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How long do you date before moving in?

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  • How long do you date before moving in?

    I know this is kind of different for everyone, but at what stage or point in your relationship do you feel comfortable moving in with someone? What are some signs that you are/are not ready? Have you ever moved in with someone and had to dump them? How hard is it to break up with someone you love with?

    I'm kind of just fishing for some general info on this. My boyfriend and I have been talking about living together for a longtime, and I'm still incredibly hesitant about the topic.

  • #2
    I've lived with two people (in a relationship) my whole life. Not at the same time obviously lol.
    One worked out (current husband) and the other didn't. The one that didn't work out was about 10 years ago and I was young(er) and I had wanted to give him a chance. I was also running away from other things in my life and it seemed like a good idea at the time. Not good, I know. It was hard to break up but it wasn't as hard as facing living together and being with that person. When being with the person is more excruciating than starting over, then you know! I wasn't ready to break up and move on for awhile (that ex 10 years ago). We moved in within about 1 year of dating. It took me about 6 months to muster up the courage and figure out the logistics of how to leave and break up. In the end it ended up being a lot easier than I'd thought and I had a lot of scenarios built up in my head that held me back for so long. It was the best thing I'd ever done and it felt good. It took me another year or so to get back on my feet mentally and emotionally. I had the help of friends and family. I think when you hit rock bottom it's humbling and it also makes you rethink what you want out of life and how hard you're willing to work to have that and maintain it.

    With my current husband we moved in together after 6 months of dating. There wasn't really any issue at all and the logistics flowed.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; June 13th, 2018, 02:06 PM.

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    • #3
      Have you thought about asking this person to marry you? Or is the co-habitation just a convenience?
      "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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      • #4
        How long have you two been dating?

        We dated three years and then moved in. I wouldn't recommend anyone move in during the honeymoon stage so wait until you know each others quirks and are certain you can live with them. After three more years (living together) we got married.
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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        • #5
          We've been dating for over two and a half years. I haven't asked him to marry me, but I do feel like we both have the same ideas about where this is going. i.e., we both consider this a serious relationship, and he isn't adverse to talking about our future. We haven't fleshed out the details, but he says things like, "when we're married," or "when we have kids." I know that's doesn't make it a sure thing, and we are still working through some stuff as a couple, but I feel like we have the same mindset. We've also discussed moving in together several times to get a feel for what it would be like and if we are ready for that step. I feel like we are definitely out of the honeymoon stage. We do fight, but we take the time to talk things out and work through whatever is bothering us. I also feel like before I am comfortable enough to marry someone, I would like to live with them for some length of time first to see how things go.

          On one hand, I feel like we are approaching a stage in our relationship where cohabitation is the next step. On the other, I am under a little bit of pressure to move. I currently live with family and am very, very, very ready to move out. I go to his house almost everyday, and splitting the time between my house and mine has become a miserable practice. It sucks to come home from work and have two hours of downtime before I have to shovel my life into a bag and head to his house so we can have dinner and spend a little quality time together. Yeah I know, we don't have to spend all of our time together, and lately I have been just opting out of spending time with him because I don't have the energy or have too much to do around my own place.

          I've talked a lot about getting my own apartment until we are sure we want to live together, but the problem with this is that I can't afford to live anywhere close to him. I would probably go from being fifteen minutes away from him to about forty or forty-five. This is kind of an issue because we do see each other almost everyday, and we've both expressed a reluctance to commute to the others home after a long day of work. We both worry about the kind of stress this would put on our relationship if we could only see each other one or two days a week, maybe even less depending on work.





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          • #6
            40-45 min isn't bad, you know, unless you live in the middle of nowhere. That's nothing where we are at (traffic-wise). I think you're both acting a bit spoiled(no offense). Seems like you both just want your way on everything. If you aren't willing to compromise something, this isn't going to work and don't rush into it especially after your other thread. You were just debating whether he's good for you and you have questions about his sexuality and lies. Moving in is not a good idea.

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            • #7
              I think 45 minutes blows, lol. We live in a highly populated area and would have to take highways and possibly toll roads to commute back and forth. Neither one of us is really raking in the cash either. I'm slumming it as a teacher and he's working full time at a local grocery store and finishing college at the same time. Maybe we are a bit spoiled and should just suck it up and pay for the additional gas and tolls and embrace the separation that will probably make both of us sad. Or... We could move in together, and enjoy each other's company as much as we do now while also reliving the financial strain we're both under, lol.

              We've definitely got our problems but it still doesn't feel right to break up with him yet. Maybe in the long run we won't work out, but right now and for the vast majority of our relationship he has made me very happy. Yeah, we've had our ups and downs, but every time I've expressed to him something that makes me unhappy (or vice versa) we've been able to work through it and find a middle ground. Maybe not overnight, but the fact that he's willing to work through our issues is an incredibly compelling reason to hang on to him, especially since so much of the advice on this forum is to pretty much dump the person and never look back. I'm probably just naive, but I like to think if you put in enough effort you can maybe grow as people and come out of a tough situation better for it.

              Again, I'm probably on the naive side, but my gut is still telling me not to cut him loose. I also don't think moving in with him would necessarily be like locking us into marriage or anything. I think if further down the road I realize it's not going to work nothing is going to stop me from breaking up with him and moving into my own place.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Witch View Post
                I think 45 minutes blows, lol. We live in a highly populated area and would have to take highways and possibly toll roads to commute back and forth. Neither one of us is really raking in the cash either. I'm slumming it as a teacher and he's working full time at a local grocery store and finishing college at the same time. Maybe we are a bit spoiled and should just suck it up and pay for the additional gas and tolls and embrace the separation that will probably make both of us sad. Or... We could move in together, and enjoy each other's company as much as we do now while also reliving the financial strain we're both under, lol.

                We've definitely got our problems but it still doesn't feel right to break up with him yet. Maybe in the long run we won't work out, but right now and for the vast majority of our relationship he has made me very happy. Yeah, we've had our ups and downs, but every time I've expressed to him something that makes me unhappy (or vice versa) we've been able to work through it and find a middle ground. Maybe not overnight, but the fact that he's willing to work through our issues is an incredibly compelling reason to hang on to him, especially since so much of the advice on this forum is to pretty much dump the person and never look back. I'm probably just naive, but I like to think if you put in enough effort you can maybe grow as people and come out of a tough situation better for it.

                Again, I'm probably on the naive side, but my gut is still telling me not to cut him loose. I also don't think moving in with him would necessarily be like locking us into marriage or anything. I think if further down the road I realize it's not going to work nothing is going to stop me from breaking up with him and moving into my own place.
                "It doesn't feel right to break up with him yet" ??? Yet?
                What does that mean? You definitely should not co habit with that mind set.

                Moving in together should never be about convenience.

                If your desire is to move out of the family home, do so, move closer to him and live with a flat mate , so you gain some independence and a feel for living with someone who is not family.

                Do that for a year and see how the relationship progresses.
                Only move in with him if you truly imagine spending your future with him.
                At this point you seem unsure.

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                • #9
                  Witch, Depends on whom. I dated my husband for 3 months, we saved money for a modest wedding, honeymoon and rent, married almost 2 years later and then moved in together. I left home and married at age 22. He was 23. I'm an old-fashioned lady. I know times have changed but I personally prefer my traditional ways. He hailed from a very normal, stable, loving background. We have 2 sons and there are no regrets. I'd do it all over again the way we did it. Not to say we didn't have our fair share of financial struggles along the way but after all these years, financially, we're finally comfortable. He has given me a good life compared to the painful childhood I came from.
                  "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                  • #10
                    It doesn't sound like you're moving in with him for the right reasons.
                    Practical issues are annoying, yes. However, they do not outweigh the difficulties of living with a person when the relationship is troubled. Getting out of a joint household is a lot of hassle (been there, done that). Even if you're not married and don't own a house together, there are a lot of things to consider. You can't just pack up and leave when you've had enough. You're tied to a lease and end up paying damages if you end that prematurely. Then there are joint assets to divide (and argue over). So if you have even the slightest shred of doubt that this won't last, don't move in!

                    Also, don't move in with someone hoping that the close proximity will fix whatever problems you have. It never does.
                    Being in each others company all the time only enlarges pre-existing issues. You need to have a solid foundation before thinking of that step.

                    If money is an issue, I agree, get a roommate.
                    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

                      "It doesn't feel right to break up with him yet" ??? Yet?
                      What does that mean? You definitely should not co habit with that mind set.

                      Moving in together should never be about convenience.

                      If your desire is to move out of the family home, do so, move closer to him and live with a flat mate , so you gain some independence and a feel for living with someone who is not family.

                      Do that for a year and see how the relationship progresses.
                      Only move in with him if you truly imagine spending your future with him.
                      At this point you seem unsure.
                      I only wrote "yet" because the advice in the other thread suggests the way he feels about lying will eventually cause problems down the line. Even if that's true, I don't want to break up with him until/if/when those problems arise, assuming they ever do. I love and trust this guy, and he's willing to hear me out and work on the issue. I feel pretty confident in our future together and am ready to move forward, but I'm not going to completely ignore the idea that there might be more serious issues we may or may not be able to work through further down the line. We're happy now, but I try to keep in mind that shit happens and things can change.

                      I don't think moving in with him will fix any of our problems, but I also don't think it's going to exacerbate them either. What will exacerbate them I think, is moving away from him and forcing us to continue splitting our time with each other over an even greater distance than we already are. I could be wrong, maybe the separation would be good for us. I just know that we both express the same distaste and reluctance to commute that far on a regular basis. It also just feels wrong to start spending less time together when we are trying to move forward in this relationship.

                      I'd also like to point out that there's not really an exact timeline for moving in. It's just something that's come up over the last several months. It could be three or six months, a year, maybe even longer before it actually happens.
                      Last edited by Witch; June 14th, 2018, 12:57 PM.

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                      • #12
                        The point of dating, IMO, is to find someone compatible as a life partner--someone who shares your life goals and your values. When you find they are incompatible, you do the adult thing and end the relationship--assuming you're not married or have children--so you can free yourself to continue the search. You don't stay with someone simply because you have invested three years or five years or whatever amount of time. I have met plenty of women who spend a decade or more with a guy who won't commit and isn't really compatible because they keep hoping he'll come around. And when they finally conclude he can't or won't meet her needs, they realize how much they've sacrificed.

                        After three years can do you honestly see a future with this man that you feel confident about. Does he share your goals (marriage, family, kids, financial, spiritual, etc)? Do you trust him? Does he treat you well? Do you see enough drive and ambition in him to provide the life you hope to have? Do his values match up with your?

                        As for living together, unless your are really confident that your relationship is headed for a commitment to a long-term future, you don't move in together. One of the reasons is that it distorts your ability to make good relationship decisions. Instead of being able to judge and act in the relationship based on a healthy level of independence, you now have to consider all the entanglements you have--- Where will I live? Will he pay the bills or ruin my credit? Who gets the TV? Etc. etc. etc. You end up overlooking important problems because confronting them will create a complicated mess.

                        My suggestion is that you really consider what kind of future you want for yourself. What your goals and values are? Then honestly look at whether he shares those goals and values AND has the desire and ability to pursue them. You can understand a lot about the man he is inclined to become by looking at his parents.

                        Of course it's important that enjoy spending time together and that he treats you well and is honest with you. However, it takes a lot more than that to make a long-term relationship.

                        Good luck

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                        • #13
                          Pollon mostly summed up what I wanted to write. Witch, I don't think him wanting to work through issues with you is enough of a reason to move in together. I understand that the distance can wear both of you thin but if you are both already not strong enough to withstand commuting 45 minutes to each others' places or control your time together meaning learning to add variety to your lives instead of living out of a bag constantly, you're both not functioning in a balanced relationship. There may be evenings and weekends where you want to yourself. Have you given yourself time or space to think about that? Is the relationship all about spending every single waking moment together? If it is, you're running the risk of smothering each other even if you do live together. As wonderful as it is to live with someone you love, it is not always fun. There are chores that need to be done and even without kids or pets there are constant maintenance and responsibilities. If you both are co-dependent and need to be with each other constantly, you may not even be happy just living together. Before you know it, one person is insisting that the other person change their job because the schedules don't coincide. Think about this carefully.

                          I'm not really sure where he's going with the grocery job. Is he trying to get into management or another position in the company? This may be close to minimum wage and it doesn't allow for the type of financial freedom that you both would need if you ever start a life together. Please think carefully about this. How does this also affect your chances of potentially taking more classes or bettering yourself in your career in teaching? Would the both of you be living pay cheque to pay cheque? With the added responsibility of a place together you're going to have bills and if you're living hand to mouth, one bounced pay cheque, one illness or just one set back in life can throw you both for a spin. This is too risky financially and I hope if you don't see the sense in all the rest of the points mentioned, you'd at least see the sense in this.

                          The members on the forum are mostly bringing up these serious subjects because moving in with someone is serious. It doesn't mean it's marriage but it also shouldn't mean that you're already leaving room for an exit plan. There are logistics involved and a lot of emotional investment when you live with someone, not to mention financial and time-wise. People run the risk of being wrapped up with someone when they live with them and it's never easy to break up in the midst of living together especially when there's financial constraints. That's why couples run the risk of getting trapped in toxic cycles and find breaking it off hard once they're living together. Tread carefully and take more time to think about it. Talk to your parents and the people closest to you who have your best interests at heart and care and love you.

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