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Jealousy/insecurity in a relationship - advice needed please

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  • Jealousy/insecurity in a relationship - advice needed please

    I have an amazing boyfriend, we've been together for a little over 2 years now and it has been amazing. We have had our ups and our downs, nobody's perfet, but all in all our relationship is solid and every day I tell myself how lucky I am to have this man... I almost feel 'too' lucky, because the thing is I have low self-esteem and I have been hurt in the past so I have trust issues. It is unfair that he be the one to pay for my exes' mistakes, but my scars haven't healed and too often I doubt him, his intentions, his love, etc... when deep down I know this guy is the most caring and loving human being there is. So from time to time I will have little 'insecurity crisis' for the dumbest little things/reasons and he will take it like a champ': he'll reassure me, love me, hug me, buy me flowers or whatnot until I feel better and until he knows for sur that I have no doubts left for the time being. But another crisis is always around the corner, I have about one or two of these a week :/ He'll even let me go through his phone or messenger if I feel the need to. He is so sweet and patient and I always end up feeling guilty for having had these doubts in the first place, but sometimes my insecurities just get the better of me and even if I try to fight it it feels overwhelming. my heart starts to pound and I want to cry and then the shitshow starts...

    So now that you have a general idea of how unfairly doubtful and maybe even cruel I can be with this amazing man who deserves my trust at all times, there is a specific story I would like to have your opinion on. This just happened yesterday night. I have a friend who is so beautiful, kind, sweet, funny, smart, well-read,... you get the picture, and who knows how amazing she is and likes to flaunt it. She has talked to me many times about her need to know she has an effect on men, and even sometimes on her women friends. She likes to flirt, though she has a boyfriend and never will act on it. And my boyfriend being the handsome and amazing guy that she is, I know she likes him a lot and yesterday she went a little too far... She came in drenched because she got caught by the rain by surprise on her way to our place, and when I gave her a shirt to change and get dry she purposely took off hers in front of my boyfriend, even though I had just shown her where the bathroom wa. My boyfriend didn't really pay attention as he was on his phone and usually doesn't have eyes for anyone but me, so when she noticed he wasn't looking her way she sat in the chair next to him while closing the buttons of the shirt I had just lent her saying something along the lines of 'I'm a little bit of an exhibitionnist, don't mind me. I might even take my bra off !' My boyfriend took a quick glance, later explaining to me that it was just because he wanted to check if she really had dared to go 'that far'... he was shocked. All three of us then had diner but she didn't let me talk, she kept interrupting, making jokes when I got into any serious subject, giving my boyfriend nudges when he made jokes, talking about what books she had just read and how she started having a passion for culture at an early age,... my boyfriend seemed to be very impressed, later telling me how great she was, 'sweet, smart, beautiful...' I felt like I didn't exist. At one point, she said she loved joking about how the jewish value money, to which I responded something like 'Actually I love their values, which to me are family first and tradition !' There was an awkward silence. My boyfriend then said I had just sort of ruined the moment, that he and my friend were laughing and kidding around and he asked me why I was being so serious all of a sudden. I felt like I was bothering them, keeping them from having a great time.

    Then at the end of the night she proposed we play 'Never have I ever'. By that point we had drank three bottles of wine, my boyfriend and my friend both seemed to be in the same playful/cheerful mood. So we played 'Never have I ever', and all her questions were so sexual and so were her answers... Like, graphically sexual, as in saying how she loves role play, masturbating in front of a mirror, dirty talk, taking it from behind, etc etc... I could tell she was trying to excite my boyfriend, she was insistant. One of her questions was even : "Would you guys be down for a threesome". Wtf ? I couldn't wait for her to leave. By that point I was steaming with jalousy and anger. Keep in mind this is the third time she has seen my boyfriend, and she kept saying : "I love you guys, you two are so amazing I can't wait to do this again !" When she left, I broke down and told my boyfriend how I had felt all night long. He was so kind but also told me that yes, this girl is out of all of my friends probably the one he prefers, that she is genuinely nice and very interesting, and listing all of her qualities. I felt like shit in comparison to her, he used the adjective 'radiant' to talk about her, and kept repeating what an amazing night he had just spent... I wanted to disappear. Today I feel slightly over it because, as always, we have talked about it and he was so reassuring and kind and loving, and this morning he got me breakfast, he tried to make me laugh, he sent me cute texts when he left the appartment... He's too amazing for me to stay 'insecure' for too long, but still I'm so afraid he's going to start thinking more and more about this girl now... I feel like she is the sun and I am the moon, I feel like she was a breath of fresh air to him, like she is everything I am not : spontaneous, carefree, bubbly, sexy, flirtatious...

    I know this girl loves to flirt all the time, and boy is she good at it, so I'm not angry at her because that is her nature and she didn't want to do anything to hurt me, but I'm scared this night has 'planted' some bad seeds in my boyfriend's mind. He's even told me he would love to see her again but since the aftermath was so sour (i.e my jalousy crisis when she left), he won't accept drinks with her and I anymore so that this sort of situation doesn't happen again. But now I feel like the 'vilain' in the story, keeping my boyfriend and my friend, who clearly truly enjoy each other's company, from hanging out with each other again, being the jalous/annoying/insecure/overly attached girlfriend which is in complete contrast with how lovely my friend is/was last night,... basically I'm not doing too good. To top it all of, I recieved a message from my friend this morning saying how great our diner was, that she can't wait to have another diner like this one, and that our game of 'Never have I ever' excited her and that when she got home she asked her man about having a threesome/foursome someday...

    I don't know what to make of this, I showed my boyfriend the message and he just laughed it off but I'm afraid he'll get ideas now... After she left yesterday I couldn't even have sex with my boyfriend because with all that had just happened and how charming/seductive my friend had been, I was afraid he would think of her while having sex... Don't know if I should feel threatened or trust that her 'amazingness' and beauty and insistance won't work on my boyfriend...?

  • #2
    You must be utterly exhausting to date.

    It is inevitable that this kind, patient, loving, amazing, sweet, champ of a boyfriend of yours will reach his limit with your ridiculous and unhealthy insecurities and jealousy over NOTHING, and be gone before you even know what hit you.

    GET HELP !
    WORK ON YOUR CRIPPLING INSECURITIES otherwise he won't be the last guy to run in the opposite direction of you.

    You SHOULD be worried that he compares you to women he WISHES you were like.

    Start showing this saint of a guy, that you value him and your relationship enough to get some serious therapy , before it's too late.
    In the meantime, stop hanging around your skank of a friend who would probably wrap her legs around him the minute you left the room.
    The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.


    • #3
      I agree with Pistol. Get it together.
      You're insecure. You are right to be.
      Not because this girl is so much better than you. I'm sure your boyfriend loves you for who you are.
      But your insecurity is turning you into someone that will make even the most patient man run away from.

      Be the person he deserves. Get help.

      Also, you say you're not upset with your friend, because this is who she is.
      Well she is not a friend. She's an attention whore who will be disloyal to you the first chance she gets. She will flush your friendship down the drain with pleasure just to wrap your boyfriend around her finger.
      Do not keep someone like that around.
      You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf


      • #4
        Hey Leeloulove,

        I hope you're doing better today than you were last night. I'd just like to say that although some of the advice given above might be helpful you shouldn't feel ashamed of being insecure, especially because of past relationships. It's hard to get hurt in a relationship and move on and not worry about the same thing happening again. It's easy to tell someone to just get over their insecurities and get it together, but that's just not something that happens overnight. The good news is, if you're boyfriend has stuck around for two years and has been as supportive as you've been saying then he probably really loves you for who you are. That being said, you really have to work hard to put more of your trust in him and not go through his phone and not break down several times a week over things which make you feel insecure. You've got to remind yourself that this guy has been with you for two years. You are a wonderful person that he loves and wants to be with. He isn't with your slut friend, he's with you. Remember that and try and let go of some of those securities and give your partner the trust it sounds like he deserves.

        You also really, really, really, need to cut ties with this chick you call your friend. You say she's wonderful and amazing, but any woman who comes into your apartment and takes their shirt off in front of your boyfriend is bad news. That's downright disrespectful, and I think you maybe need to tell her that the way she behaves around you and your boyfriend is not okay. It's not cool, funny, cute or charming. I don't think that HER boyfriend would think it's any of those things if he knew she did them in front of another guy. Seriously, cut ties with this girl. She is bad news.


        • #5
          Originally posted by Witch View Post

          I don't think that HER boyfriend would think it's any of those things if he knew she did them in front of another guy. Seriously, cut ties with this girl. She is bad news.
          You mean the girl that went home and asked said boyfriend if they could have a threesome/foursome one day ?
          Yeah, I think he knows EXACTLY what she's all about.

          The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.


          • #6
            You could use some help with your trust and self-esteem issues but, as the others have said, your “friend” is an attention whore with no respect for you and your relationship. It’s time for you to stand up for yourself and tell her that you won’t tolerate her intentionally trying to titilate your boyfriend and next time she does it in your house you’ll throw her out.

            Good luck


            • #7
              I agree with "some" of the feedback that you have already received. It might be helpful for you to work through some of your issues related to insecurity with a counselor or therapist, not so much for your boyfriend, but for yourself. Your friend is not a friend and I encourage you to spend some time learning what qualities you should look for in friends, and create distance with this person. I am concerned that your boyfriend did not see anything wrong with her behavior. He doesn't seem to understand healthy boundaries or respect your feelings in this situation. I am wondering if this lack of boundaries and respect for your feelings has ever come up in the past. Perhaps you did not notice it or was unwilling to see it. This is something that you may need to reflect on and explore with him. If it is a new thing, it is certainly something to watch for in the future. I am wondering if some of your weekly insecurity episodes are related to this in some way.


              • #8
                I wish it was your bf that posted this thread , because I would tell him to stop enabling your insecurities.
                Allowing you to invade his privacy by checking his phone etc.

                He does not deserve this ongoing punishment and invasion of privacy because YOU can't trust him . I understand your past partners were not trustworthy , but why get in another relationship before coming to terms with that and that not all men are the same?

                So, 2 years in and with his enabling , you still have not learned to trust.
                His fault as much as yours. IMO.

                You clearly are not being rational about scenarios. Rather than logically reason things out in your own mind, you want proof, because you are not trusting your own reasoning. Next time you get jealous. Imagine it's a friend and ask that friend "what proof do You have for thinking such and such?" And "what's stopping you from imagining an alternative innocent scenario?" "Why are you assuming the worst?" "Are you creating the worst possible scenario without evidence to back it up?" "Could there be another explanation?"

                In 2 years , your bf has only met this girl friend of yours 3 times. So, she's clearly not a good friend. You for some bizarre reason hold her on a pedestal. Why? What do YOU get from that friendship? All friendships are based on what we get from them. It's actually a selfish thing. And what does she benefit from her friendship with you?

                I , in my forties, have ditched many "friends" when I realised I was not benefitting from them . That's perfectly acceptable imo.
                Maybe there is something you benefit from her, but being the attention seeking whore that she is , keep the friendship seperate from your bf.

                She is not all that! And likely doesn't have a great relationship with her own bf and might be the very reason she seeks attention elsewhere. Even suggesting to him a threesome or foursome to make him happy.
                Why didn't he join you for dinner? I'm guessing he likes her superficial self for now.
                You should not be comparing yourself to her unless you realise you are above her, morally, which is what your bf admires.

                Please never ever ask your bf again to check his messages etc. Use reason in your own mind.