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confused with gut feelings - help me out

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  • confused with gut feelings - help me out

    Hi, Its been 1.5 years I got married. We both are working partners.I am a short tempered person and gets angry often. My husband doesn’t like me getting angry and his way of response is like completely ignoring me if we had a fight when I get angry. He wont talk to me for days. In the beginnings,He was the type of person who shares everything with me, his phone also. Within the first six months one fine day I took his fone without asking him and found that he used to flirt with many girls before our marriage. (Ours was a long distance love marriage after dating for three years(long distance) )and I was completely shocked seeing this in his phone. When I spoke to him he apologized and said that was just flirting and after marriage he never did anything like that. I trust what he said and things were going fine. Afterwards i never checked his fone since i felt checking and suspecting is not a good thing. Later One fine day I found that he has changed his phones password and when i asked him he said someone from office came to know his password and he changed it. Now i know his new password also. But i never intended to check his fone since I know that he didn’t like me doung that. I found earlier itslef that he used to delete the messages of his female friends after having chatting with them and when i asked he said he used to do like this long back and even he did that in case of our common female friends. Now recently also I found him changed his password while he restarted his phone. I dont know why he keeps changing this. He never makes any conversation infront of me to his female friends. But my gut feeling is that he is doing it and may be even deleting, dont knw since i never looked at his phone after that incident. My gut feelinb makes me suspect him , but i dont know whether i am right or wrong. I am scared to ask him about this because if he is not doing anything like before he may feel that i am suspecting him unnecessarily. Please advise me how to find a solution for this. I am really stucked and confused.

  • #2
    Where there's smoke, there's usually fire.

    If your gut feeling tells you something, that's because something's wrong.
    I don't know if he's actually doing something he shouldn't be doing. Maybe your gut is just telling you that you can't trust him because of his behavior in the past. He may not screw up now, but that doesn't mean he won't cross any boundaries in the future.

    It's clear that the trust between you two is gone. I think you were too fast to forgive him for his flirting behavior in the past. You've started to realise you haven't let that go and that it's really not as okay as you thought.

    You have a decision to make however, because you can't keep going on like this forever.

    1. Accept that you can't trust him and end the marriage. Be with someone who you can trust without any doubt.
    2. OR stay with him, put the past behind you and stop checking his phone. Trust him fully.

    Anything between these two is only going to damage you (and your husband) in the long run.
    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf


    • #3
      I would confront him and straight forward express my suspicions. If it is not true, he should have a reasonable explanation. You described the “phone situation”, but how are other areas of your relationship?
      "I find this a fascinating phenomenon: the ability we have to manipulate ourselves so that the foundation of our beliefs is never shaken." Muriel Barbery


      • #4
        You definitely need to talk to him about your concerns. If I were you I wouldn't want to believe he was talking to other girls but at the end of the day, his behavior couple with his history of flirting makes me think he probably is. You have to get it out in the open and talk about it.


        • #5
          HI, there--It may well be that nothing is awry but yet there could be. Love without trust and respect is incomplete, so addressing your concerns head on is important. It's understandable you have some doubt after what you'd seen and now the password changes. Please read this, if you'd like. Trust is such a huge part of a successful marriage that you'll want to keep communicating with your husband on this issue. Once you can speak again, you may be able to build that trust again and move forward.


          • #6
            Seems he would rather hide the truth than brave your anger. He isn't a unique snowflake and it's a natural response to fear. He may also be speaking to other women because he feels more comfortable with them than he does with you. I don't get the sense that you know each other very well. I'd start by unpacking the relationship and asking yourselves why you got married so early and what you can do to make it work so that it's a more comfortable relationship. He's a coward and you're a ticking time bomb. That isn't a good combination. If you're committed to the marriage, that has to change.