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Should we break up?

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  • Should we break up?

    Hello everyone and thank you in advance for your advice.

    I've been with my girlfriend for almost 4 years now and we've recently started discussing whether we are compatible long term or not. She has said that she sometimes wishes she was with someone more spontaneous and extroverted than I am. She enjoys bars, clubs, and being around large groups and I personally prefer being in quieter places like outdoors or with a small group. We're both beginning to feel stifled in this regard. We also differ in our overall lifestyles -- I'm a very routine person and she has very little routine to her life at all. I'm also very organized while she is perfectly fine with her place being disorganized and/or cluttered. Being physically active is one of my favorite things to do while she is happy to sit and talk at a bar for hours. Furthermore, regarding our future, she is certain that she wants to be married and have a really nice wedding while I would rather save the money and have something very modest. We also don't see eye-to-eye on kids; I know that I want kids at some point and she is very ambivalent.

    I've felt for a while now that we might just be fundamentally incompatible. They say opposites attract, but are we TOO different?

  • #2
    Whether or not you are too incompatible is kind of something you have to decide for yourself. It definitely sounds like you're not as happy as you could be in this relationship. If you feel like you can't do the things you love with the person you love and it's making you unhappy, it might be time to try and break things off and move on. I'd also say to give it a lot of thought because if you guys disagree on the big things (kids is a huge deal) then you could be locking yourself into a relationship where you are going to have to give up things that are really important to you to make your partner happy. You could end up resenting them as a result. Or, vice versa, they could give things up for you and end up resenting you for them being unhappy.

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    • #3
      ddecicco767 I don't always agree about opposites attract. On the contrary, many couples who have a lot in common are attracted to each other because they can relate to one another better. Both of you are mismatched. Both of you deserve to be with someone very similar to you and very similar to her. There are plenty of men and women who would be better suited for both of you separately. Both of you don't see eye-to-eye on anything that matters in life and a future together spells a lot of strife and discord from the get-go. It's time to be realistic about this and go your separate ways.
      "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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      • #4
        If it were just one of these things you disagree on, I might encourage you to work it out and find middle ground.
        However, you seem to disconnect on far too many major subjects.

        What is it that keeps you two together at this point? What connects you?
        And more importantly, does it outweigh the many differences?
        You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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        • #5
          chanelle Yes, we've both been wondering if someone more similar would be a happier pairing for each of us.

          Ayla If I'm being honest, one reason we're connected is by sheer amount of time we've been together. It can be tough to walk away from something you've invested 4 years on. One of the things I like most about her is that she understands my weird sense of humor and she enjoys my company because of it. Whoever I end up with long term would have to have the same sense of humor as I do so we share that core value. As for the others, I'm realizing that we don't share those as much as we thought. I think in the beginning we both gave the impression that we were more like the other than we actually are.

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          • #6
            I think it is a wonderful testament to how much you truly love and respect one another, that you've been able to have the very grown up and responsible conversation about compatibility. Even to the point where you can express what you wish she was more like, and what she wishes you were more like.
            The fact that you have done so, and neither has taken offense or to the contrary, made the attempt to BE that for the other (albeit completely opposite to who you really are) reveals what an absolute catch you will each be, to someone else.

            But where do you go from here , right ?
            Do you set a 'break-up' date ?

            You're absolutely right that 4 years is a long time to put in with someone, however, how much more time are you willing to invest in a relationship that has run its course ?

            The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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            • #7
              pistol Yes, we've talked pretty extensively about how we both feel frustrated and yet we're both ambivalent. I wonder if that's just us resisting the necessary change. It seems like a lot would have to change or compromise about our personalities and temperaments for it to work.

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              • #8
                So maybe that's the next question you need to ask one another, if ending things is the very last resort for you both.
                The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by ddecicco767 View Post
                  Hello everyone and thank you in advance for your advice.

                  I've been with my girlfriend for almost 4 years now and we've recently started discussing whether we are compatible long term or not. She has said that she sometimes wishes she was with someone more spontaneous and extroverted than I am. She enjoys bars, clubs, and being around large groups and I personally prefer being in quieter places like outdoors or with a small group. We're both beginning to feel stifled in this regard. We also differ in our overall lifestyles -- I'm a very routine person and she has very little routine to her life at all. I'm also very organized while she is perfectly fine with her place being disorganized and/or cluttered. Being physically active is one of my favorite things to do while she is happy to sit and talk at a bar for hours. Furthermore, regarding our future, she is certain that she wants to be married and have a really nice wedding while I would rather save the money and have something very modest. We also don't see eye-to-eye on kids; I know that I want kids at some point and she is very ambivalent.

                  I've felt for a while now that we might just be fundamentally incompatible. They say opposites attract, but are we TOO different?
                  What I take from your post is that you are both very happy communicating your thoughts. That's such an important thing in a relationship and outweighs the minor differences you mentioned .
                  You of course can have seperate friendships that fulfill her spontaneity and your wishes to be in a closed knit group etc.

                  Outside of all that, do you enjoy each other's company ? When alone?

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