Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Need advice on new relationship that reminds me of another

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Need advice on new relationship that reminds me of another

    I should say that I'm recently divorced after 10 years of marriage but still in my 30s. My now ex wife was for definitely a "damsel in distress' when I met her having a very rough childhood but I fell in love with her and we were married after a few years. The 10 years of marriage started great but the more time that went on (years), the more she started to sabotage the marriage including one long affair. In the end of our marriage, she stated that she was lost and didn't know what she wanted anymore. I should also mention that since getting divorced and living apart, she is no closer to "finding herself" and what she wants. This is about the worst ending I could have imagined on many levels.

    I started dating again a few weeks ago and met someone that seems to be a good match as we have good chemistry, similar interests and goals in life and everything is going along well. Okay, here is the part I need advice on. This new woman does have some previous issues in relationships and has said a few things that remind me of the ex wife in being somewhat emotionally damaged from previous relationships or life experiences. So while not actively seeking another damsel in distress, that seems to be what I got. Of course this preys upon my insecurities that were created through my 10 year marriage., thus why I'm seeking this advice.

    So my question would be, is it possible to have a successful long-term relationship with a damsel in distress or a woman that is working on herself but isn't quite there yet. I'm a very strong person and very introspective. I'm not sure if a woman can truly love or commit to anyone if they are a bit lost or have issues that they haven't fixed themselves. Through working on my own thoughts and feelings after getting divorced, I realize that while you can help guide someone in the right direction, you can't fix someone. They have to fix themselves.

    The issues I'm referring to are only emotional issues. So should I end things even though everything is going great just because she is another damsel in distress?
    Last edited by alwaysgettingbetter; May 17th, 2018, 08:12 AM.

  • #2
    You know, I get increasingly weary of hearing people complain about being 'damaged' from relationships or life experiences. Everyone who breathes has difficulties, disappointments, and negative experiences. That's called LIFE. Mature people learn to deal with the hurdles that life throws at us constantly.

    If you've met someone new who is 'distressed' (whatever that means) and isn't handling life's disappointments well, you might want to consider holding off on committing to her or you're going to wind up in the same merry-go-round of dysfunctional women.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

    Comment


    • #3
      That is pretty much how I feel as well. Some people never get their life in order. Im only conflicted because things have gone pretty much perfect so far except for what I mentioned above. Just a few things she said that stuck in my mind that may be red flags. Thanks for your advice, I will proceed slowly until I learn more.

      Comment


      • #4
        I agree with Sarah. Unless she lived inside a bubble with rainbows and unicorns up until a few weeks ago, every woman you meet will have her baggage - as I'm sure you have your share of babbage as well.
        Nobody makes it to 30 without being kicked in the gut by life at least a few times.
        Is she the one that defines herself as 'damaged', or is that your own label?
        What matters is not whether she's been through some rough times or not. What matters is how she talks about having surpassed them and overcome her difficulties. If she hasn't overcome them, I'd say wrap it up and move along.
        You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

        Comment


        • #5
          3rd woman weighing in here.

          My girls are right.

          I met the most excellent man nearly 5 years ago. I would tell him all the time that I wished we had met sooner in life, and his response each time would be the same.

          "We had to go through what we've gone through, in order to be ready for one another. It wouldn't have worked for us if we hadn't met precisely when we did"

          I am the woman I am today all as a result of the life choices, experiences, heartbreak, love and life that I've lived prior to meeting my now husband......as is he.

          I don't begrudge a moment of the bad times.

          Any strong, well adjusted woman who truly likes who she is, wouldn't either.

          The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

          Comment


          • #6
            Emotional issues should be worked through for the most part before looking or starting a serious relationship. This is plain decency and courtesy. It's difficult on your partner if he or she has to wade through that chaos with you. I don't believe it's fair or kind to the other person involved. To me, this just boils down to basic courtesy. There are issues that will come up during the relationship and that is understandable. Both of you should work through that together. However to knowingly bring issues and unresolved problems to the relationship before it's even grounded or has a proper foundation is irresponsible, in my opinion. Why would someone want that added weight? The purpose of a relationship is to come together and enjoy life together. If you are dedicated to helping your fellow neighbour and sense a calling in that, volunteer or find a job/career that supports your calling. Be wise about the people you bring into your life. Their thoughts and perspectives will shape and form you and if they are not healthy, you won't be healthy in the long run.

            Keep in mind some people also exacerbate their own issues and make mountains of molehills. Maybe they believe the added mystery and intrigue will hold their partner's attention for longer and garnering sympathy is also a way to make a narcissistic person feel valued and wanted or in control. You need to figure out whether a person is genuine or not and if that person is genuine, whether that person is a healthy influence on you. Good luck.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by alwaysgettingbetter View Post
              That is pretty much how I feel as well. Some people never get their life in order. Im only conflicted because things have gone pretty much perfect so far except for what I mentioned above. Just a few things she said that stuck in my mind that may be red flags. Thanks for your advice, I will proceed slowly until I learn more.
              Well, of course things have "gone perfect" so far it's only been mere HOURS since you met for goodness sakes yet here she is already vomiting her past relationship baggage in your lap. Thank her for that and then stop seeing her ffs.

              You haven't learn one lesson from you marriage if you are even contemplating continuing on with her. Her vomitus should have raised a flight response in you.

              Don't be desperate for company to the point that you forget that she's got issues. Issues that you shouldn't want to discover whether she can get over them or not. Let her start dating when she IS over them instead of using someone as her human bandaid (that would be you).
              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                Emotional issues should be worked through for the most part before looking or starting a serious relationship. This is plain decency and courtesy. It's difficult on your partner if he or she has to wade through that chaos with you. I don't believe it's fair or kind to the other person involved. To me, this just boils down to basic courtesy. There are issues that will come up during the relationship and that is understandable. Both of you should work through that together. However to knowingly bring issues and unresolved problems to the relationship before it's even grounded or has a proper foundation is irresponsible, in my opinion.
                In my opinion as well.

                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by alwaysgettingbetter View Post
                  I should say that I'm recently divorced after 10 years of marriage but still in my 30s. My now ex wife was for definitely a "damsel in distress' when I met her having a very rough childhood but I fell in love with her and we were married after a few years. The 10 years of marriage started great but the more time that went on (years), the more she started to sabotage the marriage including one long affair. In the end of our marriage, she stated that she was lost and didn't know what she wanted anymore. I should also mention that since getting divorced and living apart, she is no closer to "finding herself" and what she wants. This is about the worst ending I could have imagined on many levels.

                  I started dating again a few weeks ago and met someone that seems to be a good match as we have good chemistry, similar interests and goals in life and everything is going along well. Okay, here is the part I need advice on. This new woman does have some previous issues in relationships and has said a few things that remind me of the ex wife in being somewhat emotionally damaged from previous relationships or life experiences. So while not actively seeking another damsel in distress, that seems to be what I got. Of course this preys upon my insecurities that were created through my 10 year marriage., thus why I'm seeking this advice.

                  So my question would be, is it possible to have a successful long-term relationship with a damsel in distress or a woman that is working on herself but isn't quite there yet. I'm a very strong person and very introspective. I'm not sure if a woman can truly love or commit to anyone if they are a bit lost or have issues that they haven't fixed themselves. Through working on my own thoughts and feelings after getting divorced, I realize that while you can help guide someone in the right direction, you can't fix someone. They have to fix themselves.

                  The issues I'm referring to are only emotional issues. So should I end things even though everything is going great just because she is another damsel in distress?
                  Not every damsel in distress will have an affair on you. As for any damsel in distresses in your life, the real question is: "Are you the type of man who is the strong and supportive type?" If you are, then be strong and supportive for those who are weak, miserable and insecure. Some people are haunted by a lot of very bad memories to no fault of their own. I am one of them (as is my mother). My husband is the strong, supportive type and he lifts me up. He encourages me and makes my life brighter. However, not every man or woman can be the supportive one for the pained one. Either you're all in and can be the uplifting man or cut the woman loose and be with someone who had a mom 'n pop 'n apple pie, squeaky clean upbringing and past. Be with a woman who has a life that is all butterflies and chirping birds.
                  "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                  Comment

                  Working...
                  X