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  • Am I being used??

    Been dating a guy for over a year. During that time, I have taken him to multiple family functions out of town (and paid for the hotels and gifts to go along with it). He has met my inner circle of friends and my family on numerous occasions.

    While he seemed generous and thoughtful during the first year, he has not been the same for the last 5 months. We talked about living together several months ago and he seemed in favor of it. Accordingly, I have taken steps to ready my home for sale and can list it in about a month. I've also started to look for places in between our homes (he lives 75 miles away).

    I only see him later on Saturday (because he works Monday thru Fri and Sat AM, as a doctor) to Sunday after dinner. This is one of the reasons I thought we both wanted to live together.

    He promised me during our first year, we'd go away on weekends, go on day trips, etc. The only trips we have taken have been those I've brought him on, including a cruise in Alaska (and he admitted no one has ever taken him on a vacation) and 1 night in Florida to see his son perform in a musical at school. During the first year, he would buy me little gifts and send flowers on occasion but he hasn't bothered with anything since the holidays (and bought me a discontinued piece of costume jewelry).

    He earns a good living but I feel like I'm the one always taking care of things. I have hinted that I'd like to go away on my birthday this year, since it is on a weekend and he said he is bad at planning trips so I should do the research; but if he is presumably paying for it, how am I to choose?

    He used to tell me he loved me but he doesn't anymore. But he does hold my hand and shows me some affection.

    Needless to say, I'm always the one paying not only for the trips but also all of the gifts for the various events for my family but he knows I put his name on the gift, which I'm ok with, but he has NEVER invited me to any of his family functions and I have NEVER met any of his friends. I've met his kids a few times and his sister and elderly mother only once but he sees them all of the time.

    He promised my son a dinner at a restaurant he chose for the holidays last December, but despite reminders from my son, he never takes him and despite me buying gifts for the holidays for his kids. Then he was supposed to go to NYC for the day with my son for a show and I bought the bus tickets (which were non refundable and cost $60 pp). He cancelled at the last minute and I hinted I lost the bus ticket money, but he never offered to reimburse me.

    He has been divorced for many years and his ex has been remarried for several years.

    I do have 2 adult kids like him but my son has Asperger's so he can be a bit of a handful and my bf knows it. My son is sweet but he needs some attention from me and I'm thinking that it turning him off?

    His daughter just moved out from his home, so now he has the house to himself. But he has said absolutely nothing about living together from the time I brought it up many months ago.

    He is overall a great guy and I hate to lose him and be alone (I'm already 60). Thoughts?

  • #2
    Originally posted by disappointment View Post
    I do have 2 adult kids like him but my son has Asperger's so he can be a bit of a handful and my bf knows it. My son is sweet but he needs some attention from me and I'm thinking that it turning him off?

    His daughter just moved out from his home, so now he has the house to himself. But he has said absolutely nothing about living together from the time I brought it up many months ago.

    He is overall a great guy and I hate to lose him and be alone (I'm already 60). Thoughts?
    What is it exactly that's turning him off? It sounds like you spend enough time and effort on your relationship together. Are you regularly distracted during your time together?

    He seems like a deadweight and is dragging you down. Can you imagine having to do this the rest of your life?

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by disappointment View Post
      Been dating a guy for over a year. During that time, I have taken him to multiple family functions out of town (and paid for the hotels and gifts to go along with it). He has met my inner circle of friends and my family on numerous occasions.

      While he seemed generous and thoughtful during the first year, he has not been the same for the last 5 months. We talked about living together several months ago and he seemed in favor of it. Accordingly, I have taken steps to ready my home for sale and can list it in about a month. I've also started to look for places in between our homes (he lives 75 miles away).

      I only see him later on Saturday (because he works Monday thru Fri and Sat AM, as a doctor) to Sunday after dinner. This is one of the reasons I thought we both wanted to live together.

      He promised me during our first year, we'd go away on weekends, go on day trips, etc. The only trips we have taken have been those I've brought him on, including a cruise in Alaska (and he admitted no one has ever taken him on a vacation) and 1 night in Florida to see his son perform in a musical at school. During the first year, he would buy me little gifts and send flowers on occasion but he hasn't bothered with anything since the holidays (and bought me a discontinued piece of costume jewelry).

      He earns a good living but I feel like I'm the one always taking care of things. I have hinted that I'd like to go away on my birthday this year, since it is on a weekend and he said he is bad at planning trips so I should do the research; but if he is presumably paying for it, how am I to choose?

      He used to tell me he loved me but he doesn't anymore. But he does hold my hand and shows me some affection.

      Needless to say, I'm always the one paying not only for the trips but also all of the gifts for the various events for my family but he knows I put his name on the gift, which I'm ok with, but he has NEVER invited me to any of his family functions and I have NEVER met any of his friends. I've met his kids a few times and his sister and elderly mother only once but he sees them all of the time.

      He promised my son a dinner at a restaurant he chose for the holidays last December, but despite reminders from my son, he never takes him and despite me buying gifts for the holidays for his kids. Then he was supposed to go to NYC for the day with my son for a show and I bought the bus tickets (which were non refundable and cost $60 pp). He cancelled at the last minute and I hinted I lost the bus ticket money, but he never offered to reimburse me.

      He has been divorced for many years and his ex has been remarried for several years.

      I do have 2 adult kids like him but my son has Asperger's so he can be a bit of a handful and my bf knows it. My son is sweet but he needs some attention from me and I'm thinking that it turning him off?

      His daughter just moved out from his home, so now he has the house to himself. But he has said absolutely nothing about living together from the time I brought it up many months ago.

      He is overall a great guy and I hate to lose him and be alone (I'm already 60). Thoughts?
      What is wrong with you? Why on earth would you sell your home and become dependant on a man and move in with him out of sheer convenience and zero committment?

      Dont you dare think that your sons Aspergers has anything to do with his obvious non committment and unfulfilled promises.

      If you want to go on a holiday , do it with someone who isn't freeloading.

      Book a holiday for your birthday and take your son.


      Comment


      • #4
        Hes showing you who he is.

        What are you going to do about it?
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

        Comment


        • #5
          I don't know the right thing to do here except obviously I'm not selling my home to live with him. However, should I finally just ask him if he even wants to just date me?
          thanks all for your input. As a follow up, I did not mention the sale of my home to him or anything else related but I told him I love him and he softly said he did too. I also told him it was lonely during the week not seeing him and he didn't say anything. Suppose that confirms where he stands which is confusing given that he was after me for so long and went out of his way to see me. Any further thoughts? Should I still hang in there and see where this goes or just cut it off? It would have been the right thing for him to just tell me!
          Quick reply to this message
          Old Today, 12:21 PM #8
          frustrated728
          New Member

          Join Date: May 2018
          Posts: 4


          It would have been the right thing for him to tell me his position rather than me having to guess, wonder and then be hurt. Does this tell me something about him as a person?
          Last edited by SarahLancaster; May 21st, 2018, 03:08 PM. Reason: Removed links

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          • #6
            I am not sure whether to just break it off. It really hurts. He couldn't even tell me how he felt - give me a break! And he still "acts" like normal, going out to dinner and seeing me over the weekend. Really interesting item: over the weekend, I never discussed selling my home but said told him I love him (to see his reply), which was a weak, I do too. then I said it gets lonely not seeing him all week and he didn't respond at all. Really?

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by disappointment View Post
              Been dating a guy for over a year. During that time, I have taken him to multiple family functions out of town (and paid for the hotels and gifts to go along with it). He has met my inner circle of friends and my family on numerous occasions.

              While he seemed generous and thoughtful during the first year, he has not been the same for the last 5 months. We talked about living together several months ago and he seemed in favor of it. Accordingly, I have taken steps to ready my home for sale and can list it in about a month. I've also started to look for places in between our homes (he lives 75 miles away).

              I only see him later on Saturday (because he works Monday thru Fri and Sat AM, as a doctor) to Sunday after dinner. This is one of the reasons I thought we both wanted to live together.

              He promised me during our first year, we'd go away on weekends, go on day trips, etc. The only trips we have taken have been those I've brought him on, including a cruise in Alaska (and he admitted no one has ever taken him on a vacation) and 1 night in Florida to see his son perform in a musical at school. During the first year, he would buy me little gifts and send flowers on occasion but he hasn't bothered with anything since the holidays (and bought me a discontinued piece of costume jewelry).

              He earns a good living but I feel like I'm the one always taking care of things. I have hinted that I'd like to go away on my birthday this year, since it is on a weekend and he said he is bad at planning trips so I should do the research; but if he is presumably paying for it, how am I to choose?

              He used to tell me he loved me but he doesn't anymore. But he does hold my hand and shows me some affection.

              Needless to say, I'm always the one paying not only for the trips but also all of the gifts for the various events for my family but he knows I put his name on the gift, which I'm ok with, but he has NEVER invited me to any of his family functions and I have NEVER met any of his friends. I've met his kids a few times and his sister and elderly mother only once but he sees them all of the time.

              He promised my son a dinner at a restaurant he chose for the holidays last December, but despite reminders from my son, he never takes him and despite me buying gifts for the holidays for his kids. Then he was supposed to go to NYC for the day with my son for a show and I bought the bus tickets (which were non refundable and cost $60 pp). He cancelled at the last minute and I hinted I lost the bus ticket money, but he never offered to reimburse me.

              He has been divorced for many years and his ex has been remarried for several years.

              I do have 2 adult kids like him but my son has Asperger's so he can be a bit of a handful and my bf knows it. My son is sweet but he needs some attention from me and I'm thinking that it turning him off?

              His daughter just moved out from his home, so now he has the house to himself. But he has said absolutely nothing about living together from the time I brought it up many months ago.

              He is overall a great guy and I hate to lose him and be alone (I'm already 60). Thoughts?
              He's cheap for one thing and his words do not match his actions. He says he loves you but you spend all the money in the relationship yet he does nothing. Would you call that fair? My thoughts are: He's too high-maintenance. If you can tolerate the way he is, then be with him now and in the future. If you're fed up and had enough, then get rid of him. Either accept his personality and character as is or leave the relationship. Those are your choices. You can never change a man. He is who he is.
              Last edited by chanelle; May 22nd, 2018, 10:16 PM. Reason: Typos
              "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

              Comment


              • #8
                Hi, the fact that he doesn't take you to family functions and hasn't introduced you to his friends, hasn't continued to show interest among many other things you mentioned are big red flags, and tell me he's not serious about the relationship at all. I would absolutely not think about selling your house and moving in with this guy or even continue to see him.

                Comment

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