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  • Separation after 7 years

    So after 7 years together and 3 1/2 years married my wife said she wanted a break, as I was been controlling. To me I don't see it as that as it was only things that shed do to me and I don't see it as that, such as laid in bed the phone goes off she asks me who's texting me, but if i do that to her I'm checking up on her, if I've been on the phone she'll ask who I was on the phone to if I do that again I'm checking up on her. Anyway that aside I agreed to disagree and held my hands up to it and apologised for it. She wants this break and basically I'm just confused and to be honest scared I've lost her for good. One minute she's saying it's over for good, then she's saying things like never say never about getting back together, she's said she's wanted some time and I'm trying to give her that without saying to much about it, I've moved out, were speaking in general about the kids ECT and she's been ok with me seeing them and stuff, thing is as time goes I feel this break is just making us drift further apart, I've tried to see if she'll just draw a line and try and move on from it but she's unwilling at the moment. I'm just lost as to how long I should leave it before I approach it, I'm guilty of pestering her a bit as I just want my wife and family back. Not only that I'm confused what she wants, she says either she doesn't know at the minute, or she's done but she only tends to say that if we've argued, but then if we're ok and say I've gone round to see the kids and I don't say anything she's ok with me we can have a laugh and a joke, I can still kiss her goodbye, she's still wearing her wedding ring, shes not told me to move my stuff out or anything all she's told the kids is I'm working away she's not told anyone we've separated . I'm just in limbo land not knowing what's happening and where I stand. How do I approach it going forward, do I give her a bit of time before saying anything? Not say anything at all and just wait for her? I'm just generally lost and devasted and all I want to do is drive round there and pick her up hold her and kiss on the forehead and tell she's mine but that probably won't go down very well.

    a bit of advice would be gratefully appreciated at the moment, do I stand a chance? Am I looking too much into the positives like still wearing the ring what she's telling the kids and other people. Is just a case of time and shell sense if I leave her to it.

    I'm just going out of my mind, and would give anything in the world right now to have my wife and family back!!

  • #2
    1ST OF ALL.....PLEASE respond using punctuation and space out your paragraphs so it makes it easier for us to read.

    You give your wife as much time as she needs, without asking her how much time she needs.

    You behaving any differently would solidify her reasons for needing to leave; you are controlling.


    Perhaps she does have some trust issues (asking who you are texting) yet throws the double standard at you by telling you that you're checking up on her if her phone goes off, but at the end of the day, she's the one that has asked for the separation.

    The reason why she keeps giving you a different answer when you ask about your future together, is because she doesn't have the answer. But hounding her and asking where you stand and "what's happening" will not give you the answer you're looking for. It's only going to set her off.

    I know this is very hard, but having once lived this myself (over 13 years ago) I can tell you with all certainty: her decision to separate did not come easy, nor did it just come overnight. She has thought long and hard about this decision......be patient with her.
    The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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    • #3
      I doubt she's asked you to leave (not sure why you did, it's your house too) for the simple reason that she finds you controlling. There must have been some things going on all along that you've either ignored or have just not noticed. Has she been going out more, coming home late, on her phone more then normal? I ask all that because she seems to be projecting mistrust onto you (by asking who is texting you) because she may be being mistrustful (calling you controlling instead of answering your question when you ask who is texting her).

      Go see a lawyer and find out what you rights and obligations are and discuss with you wife going to a couples counselor. I don't think you can work things out when you're not taking about them.

      Either you're not telling us the whole story or she's wanting space for a very menial reason. Whats she hiding is my question to her?
      Last edited by phasesofthemoon; May 15th, 2018, 03:12 PM.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

      Comment


      • #4
        Sorry was rushing typing in a break at work.

        I know what your saying about been patient, it's just hard. But guess I have no choice do I.

        can't help but thinking there's more to it, but maybe that's mind running away with myself.

        guess time will only tell :-(

        how did your situation turn out all those years ago If you don't mind me asking?

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Lukey View Post
          Sorry was rushing typing in a break at work.

          I know what your saying about been patient, it's just hard. But guess I have no choice do I.

          can't help but thinking there's more to it, but maybe that's mind running away with myself.

          guess time will only tell :-(

          how did your situation turn out all those years ago If you don't mind me asking?
          You don't want to know
          The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

          Comment


          • #6
            You can start by taking her claim that you are controlling seriously. When you dismiss it because you donít see it you are saying that sheís stupid or crazy. Go see a counselor on your own and get an objective assessment of your behaviors. Then your wife might believe you are taking her and your marriage seriously. It might turn out that you arenít controlling but to blow her evaluation off is a stupid move.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Lukey View Post
              So after 7 years together and 3 1/2 years married my wife said she wanted a break, as I was been controlling. To me I don't see it as that as it was only things that shed do to me and I don't see it as that, such as laid in bed the phone goes off she asks me who's texting me, but if i do that to her I'm checking up on her, if I've been on the phone she'll ask who I was on the phone to if I do that again I'm checking up on her. Anyway that aside I agreed to disagree and held my hands up to it and apologised for it. She wants this break and basically I'm just confused and to be honest scared I've lost her for good. One minute she's saying it's over for good, then she's saying things like never say never about getting back together, she's said she's wanted some time and I'm trying to give her that without saying to much about it, I've moved out, were speaking in general about the kids ECT and she's been ok with me seeing them and stuff, thing is as time goes I feel this break is just making us drift further apart, I've tried to see if she'll just draw a line and try and move on from it but she's unwilling at the moment. I'm just lost as to how long I should leave it before I approach it, I'm guilty of pestering her a bit as I just want my wife and family back. Not only that I'm confused what she wants, she says either she doesn't know at the minute, or she's done but she only tends to say that if we've argued, but then if we're ok and say I've gone round to see the kids and I don't say anything she's ok with me we can have a laugh and a joke, I can still kiss her goodbye, she's still wearing her wedding ring, shes not told me to move my stuff out or anything all she's told the kids is I'm working away she's not told anyone we've separated . I'm just in limbo land not knowing what's happening and where I stand. How do I approach it going forward, do I give her a bit of time before saying anything? Not say anything at all and just wait for her? I'm just generally lost and devasted and all I want to do is drive round there and pick her up hold her and kiss on the forehead and tell she's mine but that probably won't go down very well.

              a bit of advice would be gratefully appreciated at the moment, do I stand a chance? Am I looking too much into the positives like still wearing the ring what she's telling the kids and other people. Is just a case of time and shell sense if I leave her to it.

              I'm just going out of my mind, and would give anything in the world right now to have my wife and family back!!
              First professional marriage counseling. If not, then be honest and have a length conversation with her minus any distractions. No sense delaying and expressing exactly how you feel and listen to her as well. Hopefully, it will be a calm discussion without any emotional shouting. You approach by getting it over and done with. Don't continue waiting and being in limbo. If you're serious about giving it another go and healing together, then hopefully she'll cooperate and if not, she will let you know it's over. Either way, talk it out.
              "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

              Comment


              • #8
                OK I'll be that guy but it sounds like you are Pinocchio dancing on egg shells. You are letting your fear of loosing her control you. No one wants their marriage to fail but at the same time do you want to me in a marriage where neither or your are happy?

                I suggest asking her to goto countuling with you. If she refuses I suggest you start going and working on yourself.

                Sorry but there is nothing worst then having a carot dangled in front of your face but that sounds like what she is doing to you. You are a person too, you deserve an answer on where you marriage is going. It's not fair for her to not give you some answers.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Lukey - have you given any thought to what phasesofthemoon mentioned in her post ?

                  DID she say more than you're telling us ?
                  The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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