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  • Ex boyfriend best friend

    So, been seeing a new girl, Sara. We're both late 30s and she has a male best friend, Kyle. He has a gf, they all get together sometimes and sometimes it's just Kyle and Sara. This is on a weekly basis. I asked how she ended up with a male best friend and she said they dated for little over a year (a year ago). I asked what happened and he left her to see other women and decided to stay good friends with him. I wouldn't care if she is the one that left him, but that's not the case. Women in this situation could be thought of as "still in love with him" or "can't let go". Honestly she is too smart and analytical to be that way, but I can't put my finger on why she is hanging around him. I haven't asked yet. She has invited me to meet him as a double date but I told her I'm not into meeting exbfs; at the time we weren't in a relationship so it's not like I could say who she can hang out with and not. I told her I didn't care if she hangs out with him and she's cool with me not meeting him. A few weeks later we decided to be exclusive she is still meeting both of them for drinks. It would seem that I'm the one with the problem but his new gf is with the person who chose to leave the romantic relationship with Sara. Sara gives her all to me, I don't feel as though she has a hard time letting go with him but on the other hand when we're apart I just don't feel like I have all of her, emotionally. If there's a way I could see their friendship as ok then I'd be cool with it. But if she should really cut things off, I would understand that too. So I'm looking for a way to process this and keep their friendship or a way that she might see that him in the picture isn't good for us.

  • #2
    What does her ex's new girlfriend think of their friendship?
    ... and ...
    Why don't you meet him and then you may feel less threatened by their friendship if you are friends with him as well. Once you meet him, I'd be having a conversation with her about boundaries and how opposite sex friendship dynamics should change once either of the friends gets into a romantic relationship. There should, IMO, be no one-on-one hanging out any more, no going on date like activities with one another, no copious amounts of texting. The friendship should be curtailed to couples gatherings or group get togethers only.

    I'm confused as to why you would turn down a chance to meet him and resent her seeing him but instead of talking to her about it, you acted like you're cool with it??? Anyway, I think she should compromise now that she is in a relationship out of respect for you and the relationship you're in together.
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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    • #3
      Thanks for your reply. We talked about it before we were in a relationship and I was cool with it then because we were not in a relationship thus we can "hang out" with whoever we want. Now we are in a relationship. His new gf deals with it, and I would too if she was the one that left him, but rather he left her so I don't know if deep down he's the one that got away thus not totally emotionally available. I don't need to meet him because would you want to meet someone who had sex with your significant other?

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      • #4
        Originally posted by Md162 View Post
        Thanks for your reply. We talked about it before we were in a relationship and I was cool with it then because we were not in a relationship thus we can "hang out" with whoever we want. Now we are in a relationship. His new gf deals with it, and I would too if she was the one that left him, but rather he left her so I don't know if deep down he's the one that got away thus not totally emotionally available. I don't need to meet him because would you want to meet someone who had sex with your significant other?
        I don't give a shit who my husband had sex with before he and I became exclusive. I've met his prior girlfriends. It doesn't matter.

        By not meeting him, you are forming unreasonable thoughts in your head about him and about your girlfriend. You've not even talked to her about boundaries with him now that she's in a relationship with you. In fact, you've basically told her that it's okay for her to hang out with you when you didn't say your real views on the subject before you were a couple.

        Tell her how you feel, but don't tell her "would you want to meet someone your partner once had sex with" because that makes you sound far too insecure which isn't the least bit attractive. Just tell her now that you're dating, you have a different view on the subject of her hanging out one on one with him, that is crosses a romantic relationship boundary in your view and then ask her what she thinks about stopping the one-on-one hang outs. You should be prepared to compromise as well (by meeting him) and if you don't want to or you can't, then you should break up with her. You should also break up with her if she won't cut out their one on one's together. It will mean she's the wrong girl for you because she doesn't have the same relationship boundaries as you do and that's a BIG incompatibility.
        Last edited by phasesofthemoon; May 14th, 2018, 09:03 PM.
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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        • #5
          Not doing one on ones isn't that easy... best friends should be able to hang out one on one because that is what best friends do. Since we have been exclusive we haven't talked about it. This will be the first time since she just told me that the 3 of them were meeting up. It's not like I was going to ask her to be exclusive and then jump in to that topic as a precautionary angle because it could seem as an underlying reason to be exclusive with her. I would be ok with them running into each other, but planning a meetup with or without the new gf present seems to be a bit much. I want all of the planning (and yeah, texting) to be with me or a way I could see this best friend situation as ok and leave it as is.
          Last edited by Md162; May 14th, 2018, 10:07 PM.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Md162 View Post
            Not doing one on ones isn't that easy... best friends should be able to hang out one on one because that is what best friends do. Since we have been exclusive we haven't talked about it. This will be the first time since she just told me that the 3 of them were meeting up. It's not like I was going to ask her to be exclusive and then jump in to that topic as a precautionary angle because it could seem as an underlying reason to be exclusive with her. I would be ok with them running into each other, but planning a meetup with or without the new gf present seems to be a bit much. I want all of the planning (and yeah, texting) to be with me or a way I could see this best friend situation as ok and leave it as is.
            Twos company threes a crowd. Have a lengthy discussion with your gf in person, not by text regarding how you feel. If it were my boyfriend or husband, I would not approve of his friendships with the opposite gender because what am I? Chopped liver? Sure, we have friends but we're not very close to them. Ask your gf to enforce healthy boundaries with people outside her relationship with you.
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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            • #7
              Thank you.

              and Phasesofthemoon, I would be ok meeting, but me planning to have drinks with an ex of hers is a bit much as it doesn't make sense to me.
              Last edited by Md162; May 14th, 2018, 11:00 PM.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Md162 View Post
                I told her I didn't care if she hangs out with him

                A few weeks later we decided to be exclusive she is still meeting both of them for drinks.
                I guess you need to tell your girlfriend that you've changed your mind about him now that you and her are exclusive, and that you do actually care if she hangs out with him.

                Originally posted by Md162 View Post
                at the time we weren't in a relationship so it's not like I could say who she can hang out with and not.
                Now that you are in a relationship, you still don't get to say who she can hang out with and not.


                I would be confused if I were in her position. If a guy I was dating told me that he was fine with me hanging out with certain friends, and then did a 180 when we officially started going exclusive, I would be confused/annoyed. I mean, you can't start dating or going exclusive with someone if you immediately want to change something about them or their habits or their friends. You date someone as they are. You can't start making demands or changing the "rules" on who they can be friends with.

                If you aren't okay with who her friends are, you shouldn't continue a relationship with her.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Md162 View Post
                  So, been seeing a new girl, Sara. We're both late 30s and she has a male best friend, Kyle. He has a gf, they all get together sometimes and sometimes it's just Kyle and Sara. This is on a weekly basis. I asked how she ended up with a male best friend and she said they dated for little over a year (a year ago). I asked what happened and he left her to see other women and decided to stay good friends with him. I wouldn't care if she is the one that left him, but that's not the case. Women in this situation could be thought of as "still in love with him" or "can't let go". Honestly she is too smart and analytical to be that way, but I can't put my finger on why she is hanging around him. I haven't asked yet. She has invited me to meet him as a double date but I told her I'm not into meeting exbfs; at the time we weren't in a relationship so it's not like I could say who she can hang out with and not. I told her I didn't care if she hangs out with him and she's cool with me not meeting him. A few weeks later we decided to be exclusive she is still meeting both of them for drinks. It would seem that I'm the one with the problem but his new gf is with the person who chose to leave the romantic relationship with Sara. Sara gives her all to me, I don't feel as though she has a hard time letting go with him but on the other hand when we're apart I just don't feel like I have all of her, emotionally. If there's a way I could see their friendship as ok then I'd be cool with it. But if she should really cut things off, I would understand that too. So I'm looking for a way to process this and keep their friendship or a way that she might see that him in the picture isn't good for us.
                  If she's not to your taste, please end it sooner rather than later. It will save you a lot of trouble. I think this threeway is silly, in my opinion and a large red flag, especially considering their history. Ignoring it is playing with fire. Leave them alone and go about your own business. It's already ridiculous the amount of headache it's causing and you're just "seeing" each other. I wouldn't touch Sara and the entourage with a 20 ft pole.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Md162 View Post
                    Thank you.

                    and Phasesofthemoon, I would be ok meeting, but me planning to have drinks with an ex of hers is a bit much as it doesn't make sense to me.
                    Well, then you are just too incompatible to be able to keep your relationship together while being content in it. She's going to see him with his girlfriend and without his girlfriend present unless she agrees to compromise which means no one on one hang outs. Its a common and fundamental romantic relationship boundary for most serious couples to stop one-on-one hanging out and doing date like activities with an OSF.

                    You are awfully concerned with looking like a bad guy to the point that you won't even discuss basic boundaries with her. I think you're afraid she's going to tell you no and then you'll have a decision to either accept and be angst ridden when she's with him or dump her and find someone who doesn't need to keep dating an old boyfriend in the guise of it being a 'friendship.'

                    Why is someone she recently met her best friend anyway? Where are all her other friends that she's had for years? Where are her female friends?
                    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Thank you all. I'm glad I got to hear other people's thoughts before bringing it up.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        You don't need your bf's friend's approval. Ignore his friend. He doesn't matter. Focus on your boyfriend only.
                        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                        • #13
                          It would be too close for my tastes. You are 30. If he was a HS or college BF I'd be OK with it. But they were lovers a year ago. No way would I tolerate him in her life. You can't make her chose you but you don't have to stand there & be made a fool of

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