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  • So lost... am I being played?

    I am so exhausted, I am completely hopeless and do not know how to fix this situation or even know where to start.

    I met a man nearly 9 months ago on Tinder and unfortunately I fell in love with him. Wasn't really interested in the beginning but after a week of texting back and forth I decided to meet him and his personality won me over. I couldn't get enough of him. A week later, I was at his place and stayed the night, only time I've ever been there in 9 months because he says he has a "wall" he has to get over. Was told he had a roommate and she was moving out, after a few months, found out it was his ex and he was stuck in a lease with her and that I just had to deal with it. Never have I met her (even though I had to research to find out who she was because he never even mentioned her name, and I even contacted her to ask if they were together as I'm not a homewrecker and she never answered) or any of his friends (he says he has none) and his family lives out of state. I even contacted his mother recently over Facebook to see if there was something I was missing, whether he has aspbergers (he has many of the symptoms) or some other issue I can't figure out, no answer there either. I know I crossed boundaries on both parts, but when you have no answers, what else can you do?

    Back in November, he started coming over to my home (we live a little over an hour from each other) instead of the random restaurant dates. He's spent two nights with me since then and took off immediately the next morning (no sex on one of those nights). That's where we've been since then. Once a week he comes over for 3-5 hours to get what he wants (sometimes we have sex and sometimes not), and then that's it unless I take him to breakfast, lunch or dinner in which I usually have to pay 90% of the time. In December, he finally decided he wanted a committed relationship with me. He admitted to me he was having financial issues, I paid for his vehicle payment so that it wouldn't get repossessed. He switched jobs and went from 70+ hours a week working to 40, but seeing each other hasn't increased by any means other than when I'm paying for meals and meet him near his job on his 20 minute breaks. I did that twice a week at least for the last 3-4 months, over an hour drive each way to see him 15-20 minutes.

    Last month, I went by his place and knocked on the door, and found out he had moved out. He had told me he wasn't feeling well so I was bringing him homemade spaghetti.This was after I had went with him looking for apartments and he told me that he was denied for them because of his credit/debt ratio. Now he states he's living on his couch in a friends apartment but refuses to let me know where because he has to be "the provider". I've asked about his apartment search and he won't give me any information because I've caught him in lies about several of them, stating they weren't available when they obviously were. Tells me he's working on himself and that he's emotionally unavailable now and that I can't keep pushing or pressuring him, when honestly, I don't see how I am because I literally get absolutely nothing from him while all I do is provide for him with food, his nerdy Magic cards that he enjoys, offer to take him to places which he backs out of, etc. We talked about moving in together and it was too much for him.

    This man has been telling me he loves me every day since first of October, and I honestly feel that he doesn't. I'm head over heels in love with him, but I'm so heart broken and don't know how to give up or go on.

    He used to text me every 15 minutes minimum, but I'm lucky if I get 5-10 texts a day now and most of my texts are ignored because he states that my emotions are just too much for him because he does nothing right. He only talks about his job and doesn't listen to anything I have to say about my business or what's going on in my life. Well, it's because anything I've ever asked of him, he does the complete opposite of or ignores me and it hurts terribly and I don't know why he does this. I was married for over 10 years and never wanted to fall in love again with someone, but I don't know what he's in this for or how to approach it. I'm tired of chasing after him and gave him an ultimatum stating that I couldn't be with him anymore if things didn't change. Of course, I'm being ignored for days because he "doesn't feel well".

    I can't trust him, he's never given me anything to trust him with. Always had to meet him in public locations, even when I went to a concert that I paid for he made me meet him miles away from his home, found out it was because he had actually moved and couldn't tell me the truth. States that he's ashamed of where he's at in his life right now and needs to fix it and that he's working on it, but literally nothing has changed since I met him except I feel very used. I buy him gifts often.. I've gotten two used items he already had and flowers on V-Day that had a note that says "Because you say I don't care". He honestly just doesn't know how to show he cares at all and I'm the type of person who gives her all.

    He is dedicated to his job, and said that it's his only mistress. He has gotten back into playing Magic lately, and I've even driven to check to see if that's where he is because I've caught him in so many lies. I don't want to be that type of person, I don't want to chase someone to see if they're lying but I'm so tired of being lied to when all I ask for is truth, that's all I've ever given to him. He spends more time playing cards, than he does seeing me, and that kills me because I don't think he really wants to be with me, or if he does, it's only when he wants to because he says he has to get over his "independence".

    Am I a fool? Am I being played? Do I just need to let go? There's so much more I'm not even going to go into.. I've asked him if he's just in this for sex or if he's with someone else, married, etc because men seem to want multiple women these days and I had even gotten to the point of being willing to accept if he was with someone else, just that she would have to know. He tells me that he wants a life with me but that I have to be patient because he's broken and that he has to fix his emotional issues (I don't see where he has any empathy at all because he doesn't understand any of my feelings and never tries to fix anything that he does wrong). He knows I'm in this for the long haul and what I want. I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, but I'm totally at a loss and went from a confident woman to someone completely falling apart.
    Last edited by wheredoibelong; May 14th, 2018, 07:54 PM.

  • #2
    I literally get absolutely nothing from him while all I do is provide for him
    Tell, me. When you invest your money do you keep putting all of your extra cash into a fund that consistently loses you money as well?

    You know what you have to do. Why the hell haven't you done it?

    Leave him and get help with a professional psychologist that can help you boost your self esteem and pride. You've lost all that to him and the deplorable way he uses you. Love looks nothing like what you're been in these few short months.

    You're "giving your all" for nothing. You keep investing in a stock that's not building any equity.
    Last edited by phasesofthemoon; May 14th, 2018, 09:38 PM.
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by wheredoibelong View Post
      I am so exhausted, I am completely hopeless and do not know how to fix this situation or even know where to start.

      I met a man nearly 9 months ago on Tinder and unfortunately I fell in love with him. Wasn't really interested in the beginning but after a week of texting back and forth I decided to meet him and his personality won me over. I couldn't get enough of him. A week later, I was at his place and stayed the night, only time I've ever been there in 9 months because he says he has a "wall" he has to get over. Was told he had a roommate and she was moving out, after a few months, found out it was his ex and he was stuck in a lease with her and that I just had to deal with it. Never have I met her (even though I had to research to find out who she was because he never even mentioned her name, and I even contacted her to ask if they were together as I'm not a homewrecker and she never answered) or any of his friends (he says he has none) and his family lives out of state. I even contacted his mother recently over Facebook to see if there was something I was missing, whether he has aspbergers (he has many of the symptoms) or some other issue I can't figure out, no answer there either. I know I crossed boundaries on both parts, but when you have no answers, what else can you do?

      Back in November, he started coming over to my home (we live a little over an hour from each other) instead of the random restaurant dates. He's spent two nights with me since then and took off immediately the next morning (no sex on one of those nights). That's where we've been since then. Once a week he comes over for 3-5 hours to get what he wants (sometimes we have sex and sometimes not), and then that's it unless I take him to breakfast, lunch or dinner in which I usually have to pay 90% of the time. In December, he finally decided he wanted a committed relationship with me. He admitted to me he was having financial issues, I paid for his vehicle payment so that it wouldn't get repossessed. He switched jobs and went from 70+ hours a week working to 40, but seeing each other hasn't increased by any means other than when I'm paying for meals and meet him near his job on his 20 minute breaks. I did that twice a week at least for the last 3-4 months, over an hour drive each way to see him 15-20 minutes.

      Last month, I went by his place and knocked on the door, and found out he had moved out. He had told me he wasn't feeling well so I was bringing him homemade spaghetti.This was after I had went with him looking for apartments and he told me that he was denied for them because of his credit/debt ratio. Now he states he's living on his couch in a friends apartment but refuses to let me know where because he has to be "the provider". I've asked about his apartment search and he won't give me any information because I've caught him in lies about several of them, stating they weren't available when they obviously were. Tells me he's working on himself and that he's emotionally unavailable now and that I can't keep pushing or pressuring him, when honestly, I don't see how I am because I literally get absolutely nothing from him while all I do is provide for him with food, his nerdy Magic cards that he enjoys, offer to take him to places which he backs out of, etc. We talked about moving in together and it was too much for him.

      This man has been telling me he loves me every day since first of October, and I honestly feel that he doesn't. I'm head over heels in love with him, but I'm so heart broken and don't know how to give up or go on.

      He used to text me every 15 minutes minimum, but I'm lucky if I get 5-10 texts a day now and most of my texts are ignored because he states that my emotions are just too much for him because he does nothing right. He only talks about his job and doesn't listen to anything I have to say about my business or what's going on in my life. Well, it's because anything I've ever asked of him, he does the complete opposite of or ignores me and it hurts terribly and I don't know why he does this. I was married for over 10 years and never wanted to fall in love again with someone, but I don't know what he's in this for or how to approach it. I'm tired of chasing after him and gave him an ultimatum stating that I couldn't be with him anymore if things didn't change. Of course, I'm being ignored for days because he "doesn't feel well".

      I can't trust him, he's never given me anything to trust him with. Always had to meet him in public locations, even when I went to a concert that I paid for he made me meet him miles away from his home, found out it was because he had actually moved and couldn't tell me the truth. States that he's ashamed of where he's at in his life right now and needs to fix it and that he's working on it, but literally nothing has changed since I met him except I feel very used. I buy him gifts often.. I've gotten two used items he already had and flowers on V-Day that had a note that says "Because you say I don't care". He honestly just doesn't know how to show he cares at all and I'm the type of person who gives her all.

      He is dedicated to his job, and said that it's his only mistress. He has gotten back into playing Magic lately, and I've even driven to check to see if that's where he is because I've caught him in so many lies. I don't want to be that type of person, I don't want to chase someone to see if they're lying but I'm so tired of being lied to when all I ask for is truth, that's all I've ever given to him. He spends more time playing cards, than he does seeing me, and that kills me because I don't think he really wants to be with me, or if he does, it's only when he wants to because he says he has to get over his "independence".

      Am I a fool? Am I being played? Do I just need to let go? There's so much more I'm not even going to go into.. I've asked him if he's just in this for sex or if he's with someone else, married, etc because men seem to want multiple women these days and I had even gotten to the point of being willing to accept if he was with someone else, just that she would have to know. He tells me that he wants a life with me but that I have to be patient because he's broken and that he has to fix his emotional issues (I don't see where he has any empathy at all because he doesn't understand any of my feelings and never tries to fix anything that he does wrong). He knows I'm in this for the long haul and what I want. I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, but I'm totally at a loss and went from a confident woman to someone completely falling apart.
      Yes, you're a fool and yes, you are being played. And yes, you just need to let him GO NOW. Stop seeing this loser. You'll regain your confidence once you leave this relationship. He's a bad apple.
      "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by wheredoibelong View Post
        Am I a fool? Am I being played? Do I just need to let go? There's so much more I'm not even going to go into.. I've asked him if he's just in this for sex or if he's with someone else, married, etc because men seem to want multiple women these days and I had even gotten to the point of being willing to accept if he was with someone else, just that she would have to know. He tells me that he wants a life with me but that I have to be patient because he's broken and that he has to fix his emotional issues (I don't see where he has any empathy at all because he doesn't understand any of my feelings and never tries to fix anything that he does wrong). He knows I'm in this for the long haul and what I want. I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, but I'm totally at a loss and went from a confident woman to someone completely falling apart.
        This is not good. I think you know that. Please stop supporting him and learn to give more and take good care of yourself. This is a one-sided relationship full of pain and disappointment. I think it's more than just being played. It's manipulation but you are also unusually vulnerable (too vulnerable). I'm worried for you that you have sunk so low that it's difficult for you to see things differently, think of yourself differently and expect differently (more from another human being). You do deserve more. Don't settle for this and try to find your way out. Don't give up and demand more as in more from life, more from your relationships and more from your time that you invest anywhere or with anyone.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post

          This is not good. I think you know that. Please stop supporting him and learn to give more and take good care of yourself. This is a one-sided relationship full of pain and disappointment. I think it's more than just being played. It's manipulation but you are also unusually vulnerable (too vulnerable). I'm worried for you that you have sunk so low that it's difficult for you to see things differently, think of yourself differently and expect differently (more from another human being). You do deserve more. Don't settle for this and try to find your way out. Don't give up and demand more as in more from life, more from your relationships and more from your time that you invest anywhere or with anyone.
          This is where I ran into issues, which I hadn't listed yet. I have been demanding and telling him what the issues are and that I do not feel loved, cared for and I don't understand why he treats me this way. In turn, I'm getting nothing but ignored, resisted, told to be patient and that if I want a break so that he can work on his own issues, to take it. It's been a constant circle for months. I started doing more for myself, but there's no fulfillment whatsoever in this relationship and I'm not sure that it's ever going to change though he says it will once he gets moved into his new apartment and can focus on the issues at hand. Something tells me he's still living with his ex and is avoiding telling me, even though I've asked many times because I need to know the truth.
          Last edited by wheredoibelong; May 15th, 2018, 07:26 PM.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by wheredoibelong View Post

            This is where I ran into issues, which I hadn't listed yet. I have been demanding and telling him what the issues are and that I do not feel loved, cared for and I don't understand why he treats me this way. In turn, I'm getting nothing but ignored, resisted, told to be patient and that if I want a break so that he can work on his own issues, to take it. It's been a constant circle for months. I started doing more for myself, but there's no fulfillment whatsoever in this relationship and I'm not sure that it's ever going to change though he says it will once he gets moved into his new apartment and can focus on the issues at hand. Something tells me he's still living with his ex and is avoiding telling me, even though I've asked many times because I need to know the truth.
            You should not have to ask a grown man multiple times if he's still still his ex. Get out now and leave, and I say this because people like this will be with you, and take advantage of you no matter how long you been with them they will do it, and when you get burnt out and Finally catch on to their b.s, and when they feel they cant get anything else out of you, they will up and leave you. The fool obviously is not going to get his feelings hurt because obviously he has his ex to fall back on. Staying with this man will make you even more heartbroken than you are now if you were to go into a long term relationship. Get out. It's what happened to me and my ex. I invested time, money, and all my true love with a woman for 3 years that did not want to help themselves. We fought and fought I tried several times to make it work, now she left me, and I'm an emotional wreck. Don't end up like me. Tables do turn. Learn your lesson now while you still have some sort of composure left. If the fool really wants you that bad, he will chase you. And for future reference hun coming from a man, If you had to pay his car note, while he plays magic, you should seriously laugh at that, and have a better vision of what on earth a grown man is. I feel for you. Because that's what I wanted from my ex, was a grown woman. Don't worry you find a man that will appreciate all the things you did for him...a man like me would appreciate those things, and they're are alot guys like me out there that appreciates a determined woman like you. Take care.
            Last edited by srt92; May 15th, 2018, 08:43 PM.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by wheredoibelong View Post

              This is where I ran into issues, which I hadn't listed yet. I have been demanding and telling him what the issues are and that I do not feel loved, cared for and I don't understand why he treats me this way. In turn, I'm getting nothing but ignored, resisted, told to be patient and that if I want a break so that he can work on his own issues, to take it. It's been a constant circle for months. I started doing more for myself, but there's no fulfillment whatsoever in this relationship and I'm not sure that it's ever going to change though he says it will once he gets moved into his new apartment and can focus on the issues at hand. Something tells me he's still living with his ex and is avoiding telling me, even though I've asked many times because I need to know the truth.
              So what are you going to do about it. You know you're being used, you suspect he's still involved with his ex and he takes advantage of you.

              Break up with him for goodness sakes. You've not told us anything in that post above that we didn't already know. Get TF away from him.
              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by srt92 View Post

                You should not have to ask a grown man multiple times if he's still still his ex. Get out now and leave, and I say this because people like this will be with you, and take advantage of you no matter how long you been with them they will do it, and when you get burnt out and Finally catch on to their b.s, and when they feel they cant get anything else out of you, they will up and leave you. The fool obviously is not going to get his feelings hurt because obviously he has his ex to fall back on. Staying with this man will make you even more heartbroken than you are now if you were to go into a long term relationship. Get out. It's what happened to me and my ex. I invested time, money, and all my true love with a woman for 3 years that did not want to help themselves. We fought and fought I tried several times to make it work, now she left me, and I'm an emotional wreck. Don't end up like me. Tables do turn. Learn your lesson now while you still have some sort of composure left. If the fool really wants you that bad, he will chase you. And for future reference hun coming from a man, If you had to pay his car note, while he plays magic, you should seriously laugh at that, and have a better vision of what on earth a grown man is. I feel for you. Because that's what I wanted from my ex, was a grown woman. Don't worry you find a man that will appreciate all the things you did for him...a man like me would appreciate those things, and they're are alot guys like me out there that appreciates a determined woman like you. Take care.
                Trust me.. I know it's a joke, I fell in love with a nerd with "issues" who doesn't appreciate anything I do. When I asked about his future goals.. they revolved around cards and gaming and his independence. That was a huge red flag for me and I've been thinking a lot about it because I cannot live the type of life where the person I love chooses gaming over me. I've never been a priority in his life, not one time, whereas I've cancelled every single customer appointment I've had on his days off to see him, I've scheduled my deliveries and other jobs around going to see him for lunch on his break and so much more. I've never been one to ask for things, always have been a giver and a caregiver so to say. I always try to help anyone out that is in need and be there for them. I just wanted respect and loyalty, time and appreciation. Dated many over last summer and everyone I met was the same.. wanted to use me for whatever they could. This guy didn't seem like that in the beginning but the true colors are shining through now and I'm not the type of person that easily gives up. I had hoped it was a phase, but I seriously feel that I'm just convenient to him when he decides he needs affection or something he wants. That's no longer alright and my constant nagging because I expect some effort on his part has caused a lot of issues and he just shuts down and it does absolutely no good. I know what I have to do, it's not so easy and I have to get to the point of being completely fed up. Right now I've told him I don't want to see him until he allows me to know where he's living and allow me over as well as treat me like I'm more than an object. So far, no good. It's going to be his loss in the end. His reasoning for his wall and pushing me away makes no sense.. he says he's afraid I will leave him like every other woman has. Yet, he tells me if I need a break, to take one so he can work on himself. Logical? No. I'm tired of the victim mentality. He needs to grow up and face reality and learn how to treat a woman. Unfortunately I don't think it's possible.. I think this is truly his personality and he thinks the world is owed to him. I fell for him because he was a hard worker, had such passion for his job and enjoyed that simple game and the passion in his voice when he talked about it was such a turn on. He makes me smile and laugh because he's humorous and has the weirdest quirks. But unfortunately the negatives out weigh the positives 10 fold. He's mentioned marriage and stated that I have all the qualities in a wife that he would expect but I've asked what he has to give in return and he says he doesn't know. I'm at a loss because it can't be completely one sided and I don't understand how people can not see what they're doing to others by not giving back in some form, whether emotionally, physically, monetarily... just something. He told me he doesn't want me to do things for him anymore because he can't give back and for me to stop throwing it in his face, but the reality is, I don't ask for things that revolve around money. Time and compassion are free.
                Last edited by wheredoibelong; May 16th, 2018, 08:54 PM.

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                • #9
                  He needs to grow up and face reality
                  So do You! Stop being a schmuck.
                  "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                    So do You! Stop being a schmuck.
                    For being a caring person who has a heart? That's never going to change, it's simply the way I was raised. Yes, it's foolish to expect someone to change when they're simply not going to, but my caring soul isn't going to turn hard and black just because of a bad apple.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by wheredoibelong View Post

                      For being a caring person who has a heart? That's never going to change, it's simply the way I was raised. Yes, it's foolish to expect someone to change when they're simply not going to, but my caring soul isn't going to turn hard and black just because of a bad apple.
                      For the record, sadly yes you are being played. Your the "O'girl" -- Your just like me, you have a big heart and want to help those in need especially if it's someone you like, because it puts a smile on your face to know that you have put a smile on that person's face by helping them. Well for one, people like us unfortunately have to be more careful, and take TIME to anaylize people we meet even if we can't help how much we want to just drop the barrier and show em our awesomness. Hell no. Make them earn it first at least. People like u and me are caring people if that's makes any sense. Had my heart broken many times by women, and family, but that doesn't erase my passion and warm heartness to help to make someone happy. I will always feel that way. And as a man its quite embarrassing to come off that way , I'm not a punk or anything, I just look at things in a different perspective than how most people look at things at first hand. I noticed you mentioned something about him playing the victim card. Once again: GET OUT. my ex was the same way. That bimbo acted all calm, cool, and collect, when I first met her until I caught on to her bull****. Then we started to argue...arguing led to fighting....fighting led to abuse....let it go. Like honestly ask yourself you can't possibly see a man playing with magic that can take care of your child---God forbid if you had a child by this man...but seriously think of that first. He sounds wrapped up in his ways tight like superglue just like my ex. People like that have no ambition what's so ever. They are comfortable with where they are at in life, or just accept it whether if they're are dead or no, or living in misery. Yes you have dated people in the summer? Keep on dating. Plus you said how you can't see how people can't see what they are doing to others without giving back in some form?--Ah! It's because they simply don't care as harsh as that sounds.I kno it's hard to let go. I'm having that same problem letting go of her. I tell you what,, go to my profile and read my post called: "is it my fault this relationship ended"? When you read it you will get a taste of what you WILL go through if you dont leave this man alone. Read it, and tell me what you think. Its the true definition of getting effed over. My relationship was like yours it was one sided. READ IT. And If you decide otherwise then go ahead and keep being that vulnerable caring person. It will lead you to do something wrong. And you don't want that.
                      Last edited by srt92; May 17th, 2018, 12:01 AM.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by wheredoibelong View Post

                        For being a caring person who has a heart?
                        Yes, you give to a fault. There is such a thing as discontinuing to invest in a stock that isn't giving you anything back. If this were your money would you keep investing in a fund that gave you zero return? I would hope that you wouldn't.

                        That's never going to change, it's simply the way I was raised.
                        Then you'd do well to seek therapy to help you to undo any bad habits that are ingrained in you.

                        Yes, it's foolish to expect someone to change when they're simply not going to, but my caring soul isn't going to turn hard and black just because of a bad apple.
                        Having boundaries in place does not mean the same as you turning hard and black.
                        You would do well to learn the difference between a personal boundary that is in place to keep you from being taken advantage of like you are now (and likely have been often) and being unyielding. You can be generous without being a fool about it.

                        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                        • #13
                          I was very much being played. I finally got the guts and hired a private investigator and got the address, knocked on the door and he's with her. They've been together 6 years. She wasnt upset, didn't seem to care, while he ran like a coward and couldn't face me. Live and learn. Never will I trust someone again until they earn it.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by wheredoibelong View Post
                            ...I met a man ..... on Tinder and ......
                            What else do you need to know? Doesn't everyone know that Tinder is for hook-ups and has nothing to do with relationships?

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