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Ending a relationship for medical issues.

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  • Ending a relationship for medical issues.

    Now before we judge. I love this guy. We started dating 5 or 6 months ago. I love him. I honestly could say that this is the guy I would want to spend my life with. He has really bad depression and anxiety and honestly when he drinks he gets mean. Like has not hit me, but he is mean. Then I found out the last 2 weeks he has cancer which they gave him a year to live. Now he said he was going to get treatment but didn't. Idk. I'm just afraid to continue much longer and it destroys me. Like the drinking is an issue, but this, this might bd to much. What do you guys think?

  • #2
    Originally posted by Jonathanp55 View Post
    Now before we judge. I love this guy. We started dating 5 or 6 months ago. I love him. I honestly could say that this is the guy I would want to spend my life with. He has really bad depression and anxiety and honestly when he drinks he gets mean. Like has not hit me, but he is mean. Then I found out the last 2 weeks he has cancer which they gave him a year to live. Now he said he was going to get treatment but didn't. Idk. I'm just afraid to continue much longer and it destroys me. Like the drinking is an issue, but this, this might bd to much. What do you guys think?
    How old are the both of you? Have you spoken to him about his decision to refuse treatment? It sounds like you both haven't spoken in awhile. You mentioned being afraid. What are you afraid of? Is it death or are you afraid of being alone?

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    • #3
      He is 24 and I am 27. And yeh I have. He seems to want to put everything else first then that last. Like his family issues or us. A d we live together. And honestly I'm afraid of loosing him.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by Jonathanp55 View Post
        He is 24 and I am 27. And yeh I have. He seems to want to put everything else first then that last. Like his family issues or us. A d we live together. And honestly I'm afraid of loosing him.
        There is loss in everything around you. Not to get too deep but as soon as you accept that, life will flow more smoothly. Death will come whether you want it to or not, now or later for some of us. The most that you can do is remain loving and kind during the time that you still have with him. One year tells me that the cancer is advanced and depending on the cancer, it may not even be a full year. Again from my experience, when the doctors say one year, it's usually a hopeful stretch. Have you both done some reading together or do you have any support from friends and family and also medical support? Is he aware of his options towards the end? If he isn't, you should be because he may be too weak later on to do or comprehend much. If you love him, you'll know what to do and your love will kick in even when your brain doesn't quite know what to do and you're a mess. Right now what you can do together is arm yourselves with enough knowledge and accept the inevitable. Make the most of your time together especially this time now where he's mobile for the most part.

        I think you should also start preparing and learning how to be self-sufficient on your own. If you have never support yourself, now's the time to look into it. I'd really encourage you to look into support groups for yourself and turn to prayer, meditation or something you feel is useful to you. Death can be very destabilizing.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post

          There is loss in everything around you. Not to get too deep but as soon as you accept that, life will flow more smoothly. Death will come whether you want it to or not, now or later for some of us. The most that you can do is remain loving and kind during the time that you still have with him. One year tells me that the cancer is advanced and depending on the cancer, it may not even be a full year. Again from my experience, when the doctors say one year, it's usually a hopeful stretch. Have you both done some reading together or do you have any support from friends and family and also medical support? Is he aware of his options towards the end? If he isn't, you should be because he may be too weak later on to do or comprehend much. If you love him, you'll know what to do and your love will kick in even when your brain doesn't quite know what to do and you're a mess. Right now what you can do together is arm yourselves with enough knowledge and accept the inevitable. Make the most of your time together especially this time now where he's mobile for the most part.

          I think you should also start preparing and learning how to be self-sufficient on your own. If you have never support yourself, now's the time to look into it. I'd really encourage you to look into support groups for yourself and turn to prayer, meditation or something you feel is useful to you. Death can be very destabilizing.
          I do get about being a loss in everything. I lost so many people in my life and it hurts. The thing is, why would at a beginning of a relationship I put myself through all this only for me to be destroyed. Im personally not emotionally stable at all.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Jonathanp55 View Post

            I do get about being a loss in everything. I lost so many people in my life and it hurts. The thing is, why would at a beginning of a relationship I put myself through all this only for me to be destroyed. Im personally not emotionally stable at all.
            Do you have an option to leave? You mentioned you're living together. Are you self-sufficient? If you're not interested in being with him at all, no, I don't think you should stay just out of pity. Everything else is a matter of logistics.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post

              Do you have an option to leave? You mentioned you're living together. Are you self-sufficient? If you're not interested in being with him at all, no, I don't think you should stay just out of pity. Everything else is a matter of logistics.
              I definitely am. Like I have my share of emotional issues but I have a good job, roommates, stuff like that. Financially I would be fine. The issue is despite everything I love him. Im just worried that id end up hurting myself in the end. The idea of staying with him and him dying, and me never being able to actually have a full life with him kills me. And im afraid if I am this upset now, how would I take it if he does in fact die.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Jonathanp55 View Post

                I definitely am. Like I have my share of emotional issues but I have a good job, roommates, stuff like that. Financially I would be fine. The issue is despite everything I love him. Im just worried that id end up hurting myself in the end. The idea of staying with him and him dying, and me never being able to actually have a full life with him kills me. And im afraid if I am this upset now, how would I take it if he does in fact die.
                Your responses are somewhat of a paradox to me and your words conflict with one another. On one hand you proclaim your love for him but on the other hand you're more concerned about hurting yourself. I'm sorry but that's not what love is. Are you sure you're not just infatuated with the idea of someone "liking" or "loving" you and are co-dependent? If you truly love someone without even asking, in times of crisis, your heart knows what to do. The fact that you're this conflicted tells me that your love isn't what you think it is.

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                • #9
                  You sound quite selfish in your posts and you're not making a lot of sense.

                  You say you're emotionally unstable so maybe you have a condition and I don't wish to make you feel bad about yourself.

                  But if you truly love this man, he would be your priority, not yourself. He's been given the worst news anyone could expect and he's so young but you're worried about how this will affect you. You've not said once that you want to be there for him or you're worried about how this terrible news is affecting him - it's only about how it affects you.

                  I think the best thing you could do for him would be to end the relationship so he can concentrate on making the final year of his young life as fulfilled as possible with people who do love him. It's making me sad to think that he might spend his final days with someone who's only worried about himself.

                  He gets mean when he's drunk? Yes, that's not nice. But things have changed. This is something that could definitely have been worked on if it was the only major problem in your relationship. But he's out of time now. For one thing, this diagnosis may change his perpective on life and he may not drink so much anyway. For another, if I was him, I wouldn't be worrying about any major soul-searching or how to improve myself etc. I would be trying to make the most of my last days and I would hope the people that love me would help me do that and just let me be.

                  I assume he's not drunk ALL THE TIME. So considering his limited time, is that not something you can accept knowing you won't have to deal with it forever? That's if you decide to stay with him. But I think it's best that you don't. For both of your sakes,
                  Last edited by DanaKnows; April 17th, 2018, 07:51 AM.

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                  • #10
                    At 27 what cancer has he been diagnosed with?
                    What do you actually know about his diagnosis? Apart from what he has told you?
                    If you love him as you claim to you will have been by his side at each and every appointment.
                    Cancer doesn't get diagnosed overnight neither does a predicted life span.
                    When was his first symptoms and when was his first Dr appointment?

                    You have been together 5 or 6 months. You are not even sure? When did you move in together and why?
                    You have flatmates so you aren't actually living together?

                    Your post is full of contradictions.
                    Start again?

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                    • #11
                      Sounds like you are just looking for someone to tell you it's OK to leave him. So yeah I'll say it. Sticking by someone going through cancer isn't something everyone can do. It might be better for him to not have you as a distraction. It might not. In the end if you don't think you can handle it I suggest you leave.

                      Will you look like a bad guy for doing it. No doubt but in the end you need to do what is best for you.

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