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  • Insecurity

    Hi All,

    Really, I feel like I just needed a place to vent as I think I've kept this built up for long enough now.

    My current partner of seven months (tomorrow) is the love of my life. She is the type of person I always thought I would end up with. But, I have some trouble from time to time. Here's my story.

    I'm 23 now, I had my first girlfriend in 2013 at the age of 18 after I left school. Call me a loser, but I just wasn't so liking the idea of having multiple relationships. I know it's a normal process you do to "find the one" but It just wasn't what I wanted to do. My first girlfriend was a real drag on my life. We dated for six months and she just took advantage of me and my money - I'd hate to think how much I spent on her while I had love googles on. She didn't look after herself at all, never looked for a job or wanted to study anything so I had to end it.
    We never had sex or anything as she had a condition where her Vagina was super small and needed medial treatment to expand it. I never pushed her to do anything, I never considered that to be a drag at all.

    Moving on to May 2017 with nothing happening in between, I met a girl at work who was in an "Open Relationship" and we started off as friends for like a month. I was cautious to get involved in her as I didn't agree with her lifestyle but one thing lead to another and one night while we were watching Billy Madison things escalated.
    Prior to this, I had been talking with the girl who would become my current partner (who we can call SL) on Tinder and Snap chat for several weeks and I decided it was time ask her out. I knew she hadn't had a boyfriend before so I wanted to not rush things - to make her feel comfortable. I was rejected, however can't recall how bad. A week later she messages me to say she is now dating a guy and that she'd like to be friends still. I was a little crushed. I guess that's why I ended up messing around with the Open Relationship girl.

    Three months pass and SL messages me to say she had been dumped. She wanted to know if I could take her out to dinner as a friend to distract her from her heartache. I agreed and took her to a very nice 30's themed restaurant and paid for our $100+ meal. I stayed with her until he caught the train home as her parents didn't want me to drive her home. I said that's 100% fine and made sure she was safe. We saw each other again three days later at the movies. The next time was at her house with her family - we were still friends. We remained friends for three months - seeing each other several times a week - I even started to go to church for her. During this time we learned much about each other - which pretty much paved the pathway for our relationship. During this time she went on several dates with average guys. One was a little touchy and put his tongue down her throat, I was left seeing red and thought to myself I have to make a move before someone else does. I did, one night when I was leaving her place after watching some TV Shows and helping her family with computer stuff, I said, "You know I have feelings for you, right?" she replied with "I know you do". I felt the time was right as we had hugged that night while watching TV and felt we may have been drawing closer to each other. Anyway, I drove away without anything more being said and got a text an hour later saying she still has feelings for her Ex and that she didn't want to start anything new. I was a little crush again and confused as she was out on dates but said she was just looking for friends. I didn't know what to feel as guys work making moves on her and I was just sitting around.

    Several days later and after another date with tongue guy I persuaded her to not keep seeing him. His intentions were not genuine and a little arrogant. She's not the type of girl he wanted.
    We met up for Church on the 17th of September - just like any other Sunday - and she wanted to go watch The Hobbit at mine. We headed to my place and after a few minutes into the movie she said "TheMonsterOfMen? I have feelings for you too."
    I was full of joy, and my reply was "Aww." So we started dating. She said she wanted to wait until she was fully over her ex before starting something new but I felt she still had some attachment.

    Cut to the 27th of November, her Birthday. I stayed up until 12am to be the first to wish her a happy birthday on Facebook. She was online too and replied back saying thank you, you're crazy for staying up etc. etc. I said I was crazy for her. She went quiet. She replied with, "Did you ever get over your first love?".
    Basically, out of this I found out that if her ex rocked up at her doorstep right then she would leave me and go back to him.
    This bastard of a guy who hid her from his friends and family, never made her feel special and took her virginity and made it a painful uncomfortable experience. (I learned all that when we were friends.)
    Needless to say I was crushed again. I was left in limbo not knowing what was going to happen with us, I cared and loved her so so much for it to come to an end.

    After the events of her birthday I was still shaken for several weeks. I didn't get an apology at first but in the end I did. Not that I wanted one, I know you can't just stop loving someone and I never wanted her to feel like it was her fault. I just want her to communicate more. Tell me how she feels and not wait until the last minute to break the news. We are meant top open up to one another.
    Jump forward to April and we were okay. A little minor hoops to jump through but it was okay. Last weekend she asked me to fix her iPad as it had run out of storage. Upon doing so I found photos of her Ex. Nothing rude, just photos of him. I proceeded to remove them with her obvious permission, until there was just one left. She wanted to keep one photo of her first boyfriend she said. I was taken back and speechless. Her parents came into the room so I wasn't able to ask anything but It did give me time to think and clam down somewhat.
    Afterwards I was able to ask her what's going on and I said that keeping a photo of your ex isn't very respectful. It shows me that you want to remember the guy who mistreated you and broke your heart and not wanting to replace his memory with me - someone who loves you to bits. Keeping a photo of your ex isn't a thing.

    Look, all in all, what I'm trying to say is that I'm so insecure about the intimacy between her and her first boyfriend. Maybe because that could have been me, and we would have experienced everything together for the first time in our lives. Instead, I lost my virginity to a slut and her to a basic bro. It hurts me to think about these things. I know I should be grateful that we're together now, but when she brings him up and a die a little each time. I have asked her to keep that stuff on the down-lo and to talk about it if she has to but I wanted her to know that it can bother me.

    My question would be if this is a normal human emotion and that I'm not crazy?
    April 16th, 2018
    April 16th, 2018
    Adelaide, South Australia

  • #2
    First off, let me tell you that calling someone you had sex with a "slut?" What does that make YOU?

    Secondly, you are either going to grow emotionally here and stop the insecurity about her ex boyfriend or leave this girl and find someone you don't know anything about.

    IMO There is nothing wrong with keeping one photo of someone who was once a big part of her life. It's not like she has built a shrine to this man, still talks to or hangs out with him.

    Jealousy is a normal human emotion however you have to ask yourself if you can live without angst while you're with this chick. If you can't then end it now and find someone who doesn't cause you to have retroactive jealousy. You don't trust her and that's a problem in any relationship.
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!