No announcement yet.

What do I want?

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • What do I want?

    Hi all,

    I had another discussion about having a problem with my girlfriend's tattoos, but I figured this question belonged in a new thread because I no longer have a problem with the tattoos. Obviously, as you could have guessed, that anxiety wasn't actually about the tattoos, it was a general relationship anxiety. Here is what has happened since:

    After my lexapro finally kicked back in fully, the anxiety went away, and I was really happy with her again, like I had been in the first two months.

    However, then this nagging feeling came up that I just haven't had enough experiences with other women, and that there's just no way I can confidently go forward with her long term, that I have this insatiable desire to pursue and experience other women, and it began to feel like something that could never be satiated, just like I'm someone who can never do monogamy, who always wants to go through life waking up each morning not knowing who I might get intimate with that week.

    She could tell that there was a shift in feeling for me, I began to say things like "If we're together in the future.." rather than "When we do this and this in the future..."

    Eventually she made me tell her what was going on, and I basically said "Look, I'm not someone who can do long term monogamy, I need to have that constant excitement and mystery in my life, to see pretty women around and to know that I could end up sleeping with one of them potentially. Monogamy feels like a trap."

    She said that a lot of people feel that way nowadays, and that it could very well be just who I am, but that she cannot do any kind of an open relationship.. and so we basically broke up, and she cried, a lot. It was devastating. She had wanted to live her life with me, to have kids with me... she had never before felt a desire for children in her future, before meeting me.

    Initially I felt relieved, and I immediately began texting other girls, pursuing leads for casual encounters. But I really really love my girlfriend, and a lot of the time I felt extremely torn and conflicted, and in the moment I just kept telling her "let's just keep being together the way we were, we're too good together," and she'd say that she can't do that if she's just wasting time and there's no future.

    She told me to take a few days and see how I feel, to talk to people on Tinder, etc. I woke up the first morning after breaking up with a feeling of being free, and excited to get on Tinder. But when my ex texted me, that feeling immediately changed, and I was back in touch with how much I love her and how much there is to lose there. My heart was aching with sadness and desire to be with her again. We texted for hours and hours, and finally we came upon what feels like a huge revelation... here are the core pieces:

    1. My whole life I've had this concept of romantic relationships that holds that your romantic partner should be able to meet all of your needs, including all your social needs, etc. That if you have the right partner, you'll never need anything else, never want anything else, that life will just feel perfect all the time because you have your soul mate.

    2. I had an extremely sheltered upbringing, and I have no friends. I have no close guy friends, no close circle of friends. She does, and she said she wouldn't be able to be happy and fulfilled in her life without them, regardless of how amazing she and I are together. And I love that!

    After several hours of texting (and me not getting out of bed during this time, until like 4 or 5 pm, because of how miserable I felt), I felt joy wash through me and I laughed out loud, when I came upon what feels like this really clear revelation.... that prior to meeting her, I had been using Tinder and dating encounters as my ONLY source of social fulfillment, in lieu of having an actual friend circle. It was actually an idea she suggested in the midst of our breakup on Friday night... she said that what I was saying made no sense, that given how happy we were together, how well fit, how compatible, and how wonderful everything was, the fact that I was saying "I just need sexual experiences with other women" just wasn't adding up, especially since I've been with 14 people in my life, and she's been with 13, and Especially since I kept saying that a large part of that desire is not necessarily even the sex, but the deep emotional bond with a variety of people. So she ended up suggesting that I'm just lonely and isolated and need a base of friends in my life.

    Currently we are back together, but have not seen each other in person again yet. We love each other so, so much, and really are like soul mates. We love doing all the same things together, we are super attracted to each other, the sex was still getting better and better... and suddenly I freaked out and pushed her away, and we now believe that the reasons for that were simple:

    1. I had gotten so used to using Tinder and dating as my only form of social fulfillment, that I felt that my social needs could never be met while in a monogamous relationship.

    2. We were spending all of our time together, and I was letting myself get absorbed into the relationship and lose myself. One example is that I was enthusiastically lifting 3x a week when we met, and two months into the relationship it just petered out because I was spending so much time with her I didn't have time for it anymore. I thought that if she truly is the right partner, then she should be 100% of everything I need in my life, and when that turned out not to be the case, I concluded that she's the wrong partner, rather than taking the necessary actions to fulfill my social needs and build a fulfilling life in all the other areas.

    Currently we're both still a little worried that who I am is simply someone who wants to sleep with an endless variety of women, and that there's nothing we can do about it. But we are a match made in heaven, and it's not like I've had a shortage of romantic experiences compared to the average person! I don't want to lose something so good just because I get hung up on the "magic" of the chemistry/sexual connection with new women.

    The idea that I simply need a richer social life and a circle of close friends, as well as the idea that there needs to be more balance, that it makes sense not to be fulfilled just staring into each other's eyes and cuddling all day, makes a lot of sense to both of us. She believes that that's what the problem was, and she is cautiously optimistic about us having a real long term future together.

    Does this make sense? Or does it seem like I really am just someone who is fulfilled only by experiencing a sexual connection with a different woman each month for eternity?

  • #2
    Other than wanting lots of sex and a romantic partner, are there other goals or values you are pursuing?

    If your life is only about your desires and wants, then you won’t be satisfied with just one woman and you should let her go.

    If you are interested in family, commitment, honor, serving others, integrity, and otherwise making a positive impact on the world, then You’ll find the motivation to give up all the sex you could have with other women for the benefit of achieving your greater goals.


    • #3
      To me, it just doesn't sound like you're intellectually stimulated and you're also physically inhibited! Get back to the gym! I have a lot of time on my hands and I've started going to group meditation circles. Also both my partner and I lift and work out every week. I go to the gym 6/7 days of the week. I do it with him and I do it without him. You can't always force your partner to be there when they obviously have other commitments. Try to incorporate each other. She's obviously not going to be as enthusiastic about certain things as you and vice versa. That's normal. Unless you're actively deceiving each other or doing anything that makes the other person uncomfortable, you both should be growing independently (parallel).

      Be very careful about ever mentioning dating outside your relationship or requesting for an open relationship if you really don't have a clue about the lifestyle and especially if you're discussing it with someone who is strictly monogamous. It's painful for anyone who doesn't understand that or for someone who doesn't understand where you're coming from. These are traumatic over the long term and cause ruptures in a relationship.
      Last edited by Rose Mosse; March 13th, 2018, 05:34 PM.


      • #4
        Thank you for the excellent and insightful replies.

        Additionally, my mom is as narcissistic as they come (at various points me and my siblings all wanted to move out of our house, at startlingly young ages!), and I learned growing up that to be in relationship with a woman is to lose yourself and lose your autonomy.


        • #5
          Originally posted by anonymous5 View Post
          Thank you for the excellent and insightful replies.

          Additionally, my mom is as narcissistic as they come (at various points me and my siblings all wanted to move out of our house, at startlingly young ages!), and I learned growing up that to be in relationship with a woman is to lose yourself and lose your autonomy.
          Some autonomy is good. It depends on your dynamic but let's be realistic here: regardless of any issues during childhood, relationships take a tremendous amount of dedication and work, day in and day out, night in and night out. When times are good, people look at each other and laugh and say it doesn't take work at all (it comes naturally). In times of difficulty, things may get out of hand and one or the other may want to check out.

          The times that are most difficult are when you are tested and you will yourself to be consistent and respectful to your partner even when you feel the furthest from it. There may be something bothering you (hypothetical "you) like in-laws, bad habits, disagreements on upcoming events or past events. You both still will yourselves into remaining respectful of each other's time, views and individual commitment to the relationship. A committed relationship also means keeping in tune or in sync with your partner even though there are days where you are so mad or hurt that you don't know how. In that sense, there IS some loss of autonomy. Until you really love someone, this won't make sense. There is a disclaimer here however that these relationships don't involve abuse of any kind nor have any semblance of manipulation or ill will. I don't think it's realistic to think that the autonomy you have when you're single is the same as when you're in a committed relationship. That's why not everyone is ready for serious relationships which is perfectly fine in itself.

          My suggestion is to ask yourself what you see in a healthy (and committed) relationship with your girlfriend and be realistic about your expectations regarding autonomy. Every relationship is different and people are different. You both should design your relationship exactly the way that you both want it to be.