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  • What do I want?

    Hi all,

    I had another discussion about having a problem with my girlfriend's tattoos, but I figured this question belonged in a new thread because I no longer have a problem with the tattoos. Obviously, as you could have guessed, that anxiety wasn't actually about the tattoos, it was a general relationship anxiety. Here is what has happened since:

    After my lexapro finally kicked back in fully, the anxiety went away, and I was really happy with her again, like I had been in the first two months.

    However, then this nagging feeling came up that I just haven't had enough experiences with other women, and that there's just no way I can confidently go forward with her long term, that I have this insatiable desire to pursue and experience other women, and it began to feel like something that could never be satiated, just like I'm someone who can never do monogamy, who always wants to go through life waking up each morning not knowing who I might get intimate with that week.

    She could tell that there was a shift in feeling for me, I began to say things like "If we're together in the future.." rather than "When we do this and this in the future..."

    Eventually she made me tell her what was going on, and I basically said "Look, I'm not someone who can do long term monogamy, I need to have that constant excitement and mystery in my life, to see pretty women around and to know that I could end up sleeping with one of them potentially. Monogamy feels like a trap."

    She said that a lot of people feel that way nowadays, and that it could very well be just who I am, but that she cannot do any kind of an open relationship.. and so we basically broke up, and she cried, a lot. It was devastating. She had wanted to live her life with me, to have kids with me... she had never before felt a desire for children in her future, before meeting me.

    Initially I felt relieved, and I immediately began texting other girls, pursuing leads for casual encounters. But I really really love my girlfriend, and a lot of the time I felt extremely torn and conflicted, and in the moment I just kept telling her "let's just keep being together the way we were, we're too good together," and she'd say that she can't do that if she's just wasting time and there's no future.

    She told me to take a few days and see how I feel, to talk to people on Tinder, etc. I woke up the first morning after breaking up with a feeling of being free, and excited to get on Tinder. But when my ex texted me, that feeling immediately changed, and I was back in touch with how much I love her and how much there is to lose there. My heart was aching with sadness and desire to be with her again. We texted for hours and hours, and finally we came upon what feels like a huge revelation... here are the core pieces:

    1. My whole life I've had this concept of romantic relationships that holds that your romantic partner should be able to meet all of your needs, including all your social needs, etc. That if you have the right partner, you'll never need anything else, never want anything else, that life will just feel perfect all the time because you have your soul mate.

    2. I had an extremely sheltered upbringing, and I have no friends. I have no close guy friends, no close circle of friends. She does, and she said she wouldn't be able to be happy and fulfilled in her life without them, regardless of how amazing she and I are together. And I love that!

    After several hours of texting (and me not getting out of bed during this time, until like 4 or 5 pm, because of how miserable I felt), I felt joy wash through me and I laughed out loud, when I came upon what feels like this really clear revelation.... that prior to meeting her, I had been using Tinder and dating encounters as my ONLY source of social fulfillment, in lieu of having an actual friend circle. It was actually an idea she suggested in the midst of our breakup on Friday night... she said that what I was saying made no sense, that given how happy we were together, how well fit, how compatible, and how wonderful everything was, the fact that I was saying "I just need sexual experiences with other women" just wasn't adding up, especially since I've been with 14 people in my life, and she's been with 13, and Especially since I kept saying that a large part of that desire is not necessarily even the sex, but the deep emotional bond with a variety of people. So she ended up suggesting that I'm just lonely and isolated and need a base of friends in my life.

    Currently we are back together, but have not seen each other in person again yet. We love each other so, so much, and really are like soul mates. We love doing all the same things together, we are super attracted to each other, the sex was still getting better and better... and suddenly I freaked out and pushed her away, and we now believe that the reasons for that were simple:

    1. I had gotten so used to using Tinder and dating as my only form of social fulfillment, that I felt that my social needs could never be met while in a monogamous relationship.

    2. We were spending all of our time together, and I was letting myself get absorbed into the relationship and lose myself. One example is that I was enthusiastically lifting 3x a week when we met, and two months into the relationship it just petered out because I was spending so much time with her I didn't have time for it anymore. I thought that if she truly is the right partner, then she should be 100% of everything I need in my life, and when that turned out not to be the case, I concluded that she's the wrong partner, rather than taking the necessary actions to fulfill my social needs and build a fulfilling life in all the other areas.

    Currently we're both still a little worried that who I am is simply someone who wants to sleep with an endless variety of women, and that there's nothing we can do about it. But we are a match made in heaven, and it's not like I've had a shortage of romantic experiences compared to the average person! I don't want to lose something so good just because I get hung up on the "magic" of the chemistry/sexual connection with new women.

    The idea that I simply need a richer social life and a circle of close friends, as well as the idea that there needs to be more balance, that it makes sense not to be fulfilled just staring into each other's eyes and cuddling all day, makes a lot of sense to both of us. She believes that that's what the problem was, and she is cautiously optimistic about us having a real long term future together.

    Does this make sense? Or does it seem like I really am just someone who is fulfilled only by experiencing a sexual connection with a different woman each month for eternity?

  • #2
    Other than wanting lots of sex and a romantic partner, are there other goals or values you are pursuing?

    If your life is only about your desires and wants, then you won’t be satisfied with just one woman and you should let her go.

    If you are interested in family, commitment, honor, serving others, integrity, and otherwise making a positive impact on the world, then You’ll find the motivation to give up all the sex you could have with other women for the benefit of achieving your greater goals.

    Comment


    • #3
      To me, it just doesn't sound like you're intellectually stimulated and you're also physically inhibited! Get back to the gym! I have a lot of time on my hands and I've started going to group meditation circles. Also both my partner and I lift and work out every week. I go to the gym 6/7 days of the week. I do it with him and I do it without him. You can't always force your partner to be there when they obviously have other commitments. Try to incorporate each other. She's obviously not going to be as enthusiastic about certain things as you and vice versa. That's normal. Unless you're actively deceiving each other or doing anything that makes the other person uncomfortable, you both should be growing independently (parallel).

      Be very careful about ever mentioning dating outside your relationship or requesting for an open relationship if you really don't have a clue about the lifestyle and especially if you're discussing it with someone who is strictly monogamous. It's painful for anyone who doesn't understand that or for someone who doesn't understand where you're coming from. These are traumatic over the long term and cause ruptures in a relationship.
      Last edited by Rose Mosse; March 13th, 2018, 06:34 PM.

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      • #4
        Thank you for the excellent and insightful replies.

        Additionally, my mom is as narcissistic as they come (at various points me and my siblings all wanted to move out of our house, at startlingly young ages!), and I learned growing up that to be in relationship with a woman is to lose yourself and lose your autonomy.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by anonymous5 View Post
          Thank you for the excellent and insightful replies.

          Additionally, my mom is as narcissistic as they come (at various points me and my siblings all wanted to move out of our house, at startlingly young ages!), and I learned growing up that to be in relationship with a woman is to lose yourself and lose your autonomy.
          Some autonomy is good. It depends on your dynamic but let's be realistic here: regardless of any issues during childhood, relationships take a tremendous amount of dedication and work, day in and day out, night in and night out. When times are good, people look at each other and laugh and say it doesn't take work at all (it comes naturally). In times of difficulty, things may get out of hand and one or the other may want to check out.

          The times that are most difficult are when you are tested and you will yourself to be consistent and respectful to your partner even when you feel the furthest from it. There may be something bothering you (hypothetical "you) like in-laws, bad habits, disagreements on upcoming events or past events. You both still will yourselves into remaining respectful of each other's time, views and individual commitment to the relationship. A committed relationship also means keeping in tune or in sync with your partner even though there are days where you are so mad or hurt that you don't know how. In that sense, there IS some loss of autonomy. Until you really love someone, this won't make sense. There is a disclaimer here however that these relationships don't involve abuse of any kind nor have any semblance of manipulation or ill will. I don't think it's realistic to think that the autonomy you have when you're single is the same as when you're in a committed relationship. That's why not everyone is ready for serious relationships which is perfectly fine in itself.

          My suggestion is to ask yourself what you see in a healthy (and committed) relationship with your girlfriend and be realistic about your expectations regarding autonomy. Every relationship is different and people are different. You both should design your relationship exactly the way that you both want it to be.

          Comment


          • #6
            Well we were seeing each other every single night, I was driving her to class every single morning. And we don't live together! So it was a lot, I naturally began to feel like I need some more time to myself, I let myself get completely enmeshed and lost in the relationship.

            After getting back together, we went four days without seeing each other in person, and then when I saw her again, I laughed with joy, uncontrollably, for several minutes. The last time that happened to me was with my first girlfriend, when I was 17, when I reunited with her after not seeing her for a week or two. I'm 27 now.

            I continued to have some fear that there was a part of me that actually wanted to break up with her and that I was just dragging it out, but that quickly gave way to a love and joy and aliveness that I had scarcely known before in my life. For the past week and a half it's just been heaven, absolute heaven. I feel like when I'm in touch with myself and my feelings, I just feel nothing but overwhelming love, and I feel like she's my whole world and I could never want anything else.

            Then, a couple days ago, my cousin came to town with a couple friends, and they had all visited my mom's house, where I don't ever visit anymore. And somehow during that day I began to feel anxious, it seemed as a result of hearing their stories about my family. I became dissociated again and began to have thoughts about wanting experiences with other women. I don't know what it is that I think I'd get out of having experiences with these attractive women I see around. What am I looking for? What am I missing that I think that those experiences would satisfy?

            For the first time in my life I do not feel as though a breakup would mean the opportunity to go and find my "true" soulmate, or a "better" partner for me. My girlfriend is beyond amazing and I adore everything about her. So being with her has forced me to realize that my tendency to push girlfriends away isn't strictly about wanting to find someone "even better." Because I don't feel like I would find someone better in this case!

            And yet, when I get anxious and dissociated, and I see an attractive woman, I just imagine being naked with her and having sex with her, and about how that connection would be different than the one with my girlfriend, and it would be different chemistry, etc, and a part of me feels like I can't go the rest of my life without experiencing a variety of women. Make no mistake, what I have with my girlfriend sexually is everything I could ever want! It's indescribably perfect and amazing, and it keeps getting better.

            And when I feel grounded in myself, and in touch with my feelings and with what me and my girlfriend share, all that other stuff just fades away completely, I just feel bliss and love. That's what I want! I want love and authenticity and real connection to guide me. What is it in me that causes that dissociation and the fixation on what other experiences would be like? Why is it a challenge for me to stay in touch with the reality of my love for my girlfriend and the amazing connection we share, and always let that just fill my emotions and my psyche, and just lose that curiosity about what other experiences would have been like? Am I just noticing other attractive people in a normal way, but freaking out about it for some reason? Does a part of me feel like the experiences with other women would be a way to exercise control and mastery of my feelings and of women, since I'd never get super emotionally entangled? And it would be a way of compensating for the lack of control and loss of self I felt in relation to my mother growing up?

            There has to be a way to get over this, right?

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by anonymous5 View Post
              Well we were seeing each other every single night, I was driving her to class every single morning. And we don't live together! So it was a lot, I naturally began to feel like I need some more time to myself, I let myself get completely enmeshed and lost in the relationship.

              After getting back together, we went four days without seeing each other in person, and then when I saw her again, I laughed with joy, uncontrollably, for several minutes. The last time that happened to me was with my first girlfriend, when I was 17, when I reunited with her after not seeing her for a week or two. I'm 27 now.

              I continued to have some fear that there was a part of me that actually wanted to break up with her and that I was just dragging it out, but that quickly gave way to a love and joy and aliveness that I had scarcely known before in my life. For the past week and a half it's just been heaven, absolute heaven. I feel like when I'm in touch with myself and my feelings, I just feel nothing but overwhelming love, and I feel like she's my whole world and I could never want anything else.

              Then, a couple days ago, my cousin came to town with a couple friends, and they had all visited my mom's house, where I don't ever visit anymore. And somehow during that day I began to feel anxious, it seemed as a result of hearing their stories about my family. I became dissociated again and began to have thoughts about wanting experiences with other women. I don't know what it is that I think I'd get out of having experiences with these attractive women I see around. What am I looking for? What am I missing that I think that those experiences would satisfy?

              For the first time in my life I do not feel as though a breakup would mean the opportunity to go and find my "true" soulmate, or a "better" partner for me. My girlfriend is beyond amazing and I adore everything about her. So being with her has forced me to realize that my tendency to push girlfriends away isn't strictly about wanting to find someone "even better." Because I don't feel like I would find someone better in this case!

              And yet, when I get anxious and dissociated, and I see an attractive woman, I just imagine being naked with her and having sex with her, and about how that connection would be different than the one with my girlfriend, and it would be different chemistry, etc, and a part of me feels like I can't go the rest of my life without experiencing a variety of women. Make no mistake, what I have with my girlfriend sexually is everything I could ever want! It's indescribably perfect and amazing, and it keeps getting better.

              And when I feel grounded in myself, and in touch with my feelings and with what me and my girlfriend share, all that other stuff just fades away completely, I just feel bliss and love. That's what I want! I want love and authenticity and real connection to guide me. What is it in me that causes that dissociation and the fixation on what other experiences would be like? Why is it a challenge for me to stay in touch with the reality of my love for my girlfriend and the amazing connection we share, and always let that just fill my emotions and my psyche, and just lose that curiosity about what other experiences would have been like? Am I just noticing other attractive people in a normal way, but freaking out about it for some reason? Does a part of me feel like the experiences with other women would be a way to exercise control and mastery of my feelings and of women, since I'd never get super emotionally entangled? And it would be a way of compensating for the lack of control and loss of self I felt in relation to my mother growing up?

              There has to be a way to get over this, right?
              Yea, there is. In essence, grow up. I don't mean this condescendingly as that terms is often used that way. I'm saying grow up as in move forward and stop getting stuck in your heebie jeebie psyche and feelings aura. Or whatever you've got going there that seems very unstable. I understand you're describing your emotions and that's the crux of your entire expression here but in reality, honestly, what good are those thoughts? Responsible adults in a relationship respond to commitment as a daily choice. It's not a floaty, effervescent, extreme utopic high that justifies the commitment you ought to have with your partner. I think you're using your emotions to justify commitment and while that's fine at the start, when you actually commit to someone, that becomes a daily choice. Making that choice to commit even your thoughts and your most romantic feelings and thoughts to just your partner is also a choice. You just sound like a young boy who doesn't know where the gear shift is and is roaming around wackadoodle through the cornfields and nobody knows when you'll show up next (emotionally).

              If you wanted to "get over it", you would have by now.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post

                Yea, there is. In essence, grow up. I don't mean this condescendingly as that terms is often used that way. I'm saying grow up as in move forward and stop getting stuck in your heebie jeebie psyche and feelings aura. Or whatever you've got going there that seems very unstable. I understand you're describing your emotions and that's the crux of your entire expression here but in reality, honestly, what good are those thoughts? Responsible adults in a relationship respond to commitment as a daily choice. It's not a floaty, effervescent, extreme utopic high that justifies the commitment you ought to have with your partner. I think you're using your emotions to justify commitment and while that's fine at the start, when you actually commit to someone, that becomes a daily choice. Making that choice to commit even your thoughts and your most romantic feelings and thoughts to just your partner is also a choice. You just sound like a young boy who doesn't know where the gear shift is and is roaming around wackadoodle through the cornfields and nobody knows when you'll show up next (emotionally).

                If you wanted to "get over it", you would have by now.
                There have been extended periods of time where I've felt so stable, so in love with her, never a moments hesitation, doubt, anxiety, etc. Why doesn't that sustain? How do I make it sustain? How do I choose her and not look back? What compels people to make that daily choice to commit? How do I do that? How do I say to myself "this is how I want my life to be, I'm happy with this" and make peace with the fact that we can only live one life? That's what I get hung up on. There are so many possibilities, and making choices kills innumerable of them. But in the periods where I've lived in that space of making that choice, it feels amazing, the world opens up, because there's an entire world in forming a bond with a partner and growing that over time. I want to do that. And I can't think of anyone I'd rather do it with than her. I do want to get over this. What's the first step? What do you mean by "heebie jeebie psyche and feelings aura"?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by anonymous5 View Post

                  There have been extended periods of time where I've felt so stable, so in love with her, never a moments hesitation, doubt, anxiety, etc. Why doesn't that sustain? How do I make it sustain? How do I choose her and not look back? What compels people to make that daily choice to commit? How do I do that? How do I say to myself "this is how I want my life to be, I'm happy with this" and make peace with the fact that we can only live one life? That's what I get hung up on. There are so many possibilities, and making choices kills innumerable of them. But in the periods where I've lived in that space of making that choice, it feels amazing, the world opens up, because there's an entire world in forming a bond with a partner and growing that over time. I want to do that. And I can't think of anyone I'd rather do it with than her. I do want to get over this. What's the first step? What do you mean by "heebie jeebie psyche and feelings aura"?
                  I meant that your thoughts and emotions seem extremely effervescent and prone to evaporate with no rhyme or reason. You also seem easily affected by what those around you experience - your story about hanging out with your cousin inspiring anxiety within you and propelling your thoughts towards other women. Come on. You either have real shit company for family (bad influence) or you're not committed to any one way of living. Instead of drifting around like a tumbleweed, observe the world a bit more and make stabbing choices at who you want to be. Decisions are part and parcel of growing. Deciding whom to associate with, what goals to set before you or what projects to set out on (and finish), and the general person you want to be. Do you want to be known as a perma-drifter? Or an anxious wandering-eye? Are you working towards anything in your life or are you basing your identity on your relationship status/es?

                  You do seem extremely sheltered or young. If you have never had to survive on your own and have the luxury of a comfortable and well-knit family, I think you should take some steps forward and start breaking away from that umbrella or cocoon. Also get rid of the idiotic Tinder app. Have you noticed the caliber of people logged on there?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    #2 Was alarming. Hope you will seek professional help because you are psychologically damaged. I'm sorry that you didn't have friends during your childhood. This explains why you're so messed up to no fault of your own. It just happened and unfortunately, isolation during childhood and even more isolation during adulthood especially during this Information Age has lasting harm to you physically, emotionally and mentally. Those who have a healthy social life with friends and family, tend to be physically and mentally healthier or at least mentally sound and healthier!

                    As long as your girlfriend is willing to engage in a relationship with you, it's her choice but don't manipulate the relationship by stringing her along with your pity party because she ultimately wants what you don't want. If you truly care for her, cut her loose. She desires a committed, monogamous relationship with children in her future whereas you want a playboy lifestyle. There is a fork in the road and divide. You should be with those who want your same lifestyle. She should be with a man who wants monogamy and someday, children.
                    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post

                      I meant that your thoughts and emotions seem extremely effervescent and prone to evaporate with no rhyme or reason. You also seem easily affected by what those around you experience - your story about hanging out with your cousin inspiring anxiety within you and propelling your thoughts towards other women. Come on. You either have real shit company for family (bad influence) or you're not committed to any one way of living. Instead of drifting around like a tumbleweed, observe the world a bit more and make stabbing choices at who you want to be. Decisions are part and parcel of growing. Deciding whom to associate with, what goals to set before you or what projects to set out on (and finish), and the general person you want to be. Do you want to be known as a perma-drifter? Or an anxious wandering-eye? Are you working towards anything in your life or are you basing your identity on your relationship status/es?

                      You do seem extremely sheltered or young. If you have never had to survive on your own and have the luxury of a comfortable and well-knit family, I think you should take some steps forward and start breaking away from that umbrella or cocoon. Also get rid of the idiotic Tinder app. Have you noticed the caliber of people logged on there?
                      Yeah, that sounds about right. I get really lost in my head and unable to commit to anything. I tend to see everything in a very superficial, objectified way, and have difficulty making real choices and committing to anything. I don't want to be a perma-drifter, or an anxious wandering-eye. When I feel connected to my girlfriend I do not experience a wandering eye problem. And she is the person I want as a partner, without a doubt. The only reason I would leave her is if I end up discovering that I really am just not a monogamous person, but I don't believe that that's what the problem is. Most of my life I have always felt like a very monogamous person, and on some level I feel like it's Because things have such serious potential with her, that I get anxious about it sometimes. The less I worry, the better the relationship feels. And by "better," I mean, the most amazing bond and romantic connection I've ever had. She's my dream girl in every way. She doesn't lack anything that I want in a partner. The more I read about relationship anxiety, the more it seems that that's what I suffer from when I feel dissociated and feel something in me push her away.

                      I've been trying to take steps away from the cocoon I grew up in for a while now.... I feel like being with this amazing woman I found is a key part of growing apart from all of that. Also, we met on Tinder. I was only the third person she'd ever met up with in person from the app though, it was something she resorted to reluctantly. There are a number of quality people on there coming from a similar place, in my experience.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by chanelle View Post
                        #2 Was alarming. Hope you will seek professional help because you are psychologically damaged. I'm sorry that you didn't have friends during your childhood. This explains why you're so messed up to no fault of your own. It just happened and unfortunately, isolation during childhood and even more isolation during adulthood especially during this Information Age has lasting harm to you physically, emotionally and mentally. Those who have a healthy social life with friends and family, tend to be physically and mentally healthier or at least mentally sound and healthier!

                        As long as your girlfriend is willing to engage in a relationship with you, it's her choice but don't manipulate the relationship by stringing her along with your pity party because she ultimately wants what you don't want. If you truly care for her, cut her loose. She desires a committed, monogamous relationship with children in her future whereas you want a playboy lifestyle. There is a fork in the road and divide. You should be with those who want your same lifestyle. She should be with a man who wants monogamy and someday, children.
                        Well, I had some friends, I guess I might have made it sound more extreme than it was. I was very sheltered in many ways, but I also did stuff with other kids and had some friends here and there along the way. But I don't think I'm as damaged as I would have been had I been truly 100% isolated and never interacted with other people, obviously. It wasn't nearly that bad. But I do really want to develop a circle of friends now and make myself part of a community.

                        My girlfriend actually doesn't necessarily want children. If I definitely didn't want any, it wouldn't be a deal breaker for her. But she does want to find something monogamous and marriage-bound ultimately. And if it's with her, I could see myself wanting the same thing. I suspect I ended up going crazy on Tinder and getting kind of addicted to the casual dating thing, because I was using that to fill the void left by my secluded upbringing, but I do ultimately want a deep lasting partnership, and being with her has forced me to really get serious about growing and healing myself, because I suspect she's the one for me, I admire and adore everything about her, we have insane chemistry, and she's just the coolest, most beautiful, badass, spunky, firecracker of a woman I've ever met.

                        I think there are logical reasons that I feel hollow and empty sometimes, afraid of commitment (afraid that letting go in a relationship means getting enmeshed and losing myself like it did with my mom), and that I need to work on those things and stop dumping them on the relationship and assuming that those feelings mean I'm not with the right person. I can't imagine anyone better suited for me. After a month or two of being with her, I told her that it feels difficult not to just go ahead and propose right now, and I meant it, and I felt it, and I had never felt anything like that before in my life. And she felt the same way. Then it seems I freaked out, and I go back and forth between feeling close to her and blissful, and pushing her away out of fear and anxiety. But at the end of the day I can see myself proposing to her and living a life with her, because she's pretty damn near as perfect as they come, and I don't want to lose that because of some childish urge to impress or seduce lots of women and have the "mystery of not knowing who you're gonna sleep with next" a constant part of my life. I want something deeper than that, and a part of me is just terrified of it.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by anonymous5 View Post

                          Well, I had some friends, I guess I might have made it sound more extreme than it was. I was very sheltered in many ways, but I also did stuff with other kids and had some friends here and there along the way. But I don't think I'm as damaged as I would have been had I been truly 100% isolated and never interacted with other people, obviously. It wasn't nearly that bad. But I do really want to develop a circle of friends now and make myself part of a community.

                          My girlfriend actually doesn't necessarily want children. If I definitely didn't want any, it wouldn't be a deal breaker for her. But she does want to find something monogamous and marriage-bound ultimately. And if it's with her, I could see myself wanting the same thing. I suspect I ended up going crazy on Tinder and getting kind of addicted to the casual dating thing, because I was using that to fill the void left by my secluded upbringing, but I do ultimately want a deep lasting partnership, and being with her has forced me to really get serious about growing and healing myself, because I suspect she's the one for me, I admire and adore everything about her, we have insane chemistry, and she's just the coolest, most beautiful, badass, spunky, firecracker of a woman I've ever met.

                          I think there are logical reasons that I feel hollow and empty sometimes, afraid of commitment (afraid that letting go in a relationship means getting enmeshed and losing myself like it did with my mom), and that I need to work on those things and stop dumping them on the relationship and assuming that those feelings mean I'm not with the right person. I can't imagine anyone better suited for me. After a month or two of being with her, I told her that it feels difficult not to just go ahead and propose right now, and I meant it, and I felt it, and I had never felt anything like that before in my life. And she felt the same way. Then it seems I freaked out, and I go back and forth between feeling close to her and blissful, and pushing her away out of fear and anxiety. But at the end of the day I can see myself proposing to her and living a life with her, because she's pretty damn near as perfect as they come, and I don't want to lose that because of some childish urge to impress or seduce lots of women and have the "mystery of not knowing who you're gonna sleep with next" a constant part of my life. I want something deeper than that, and a part of me is just terrified of it.
                          It's good that you had some friends in your past and hope you find friends in your community. Isolation creates depression and other mental illness. It's mentally and ultimately physically unhealthy .

                          Hope you can work on monogamy with your girlfriend especially if you don't want to lose her. Try your best to avoid Tinder since you'll get yourself into trouble. Hope you can heal from your secluded upbringing and change the way you think. You will heal and grow. Give yourself time but not too much time. Try to be a quick study and learn fast. You don't want regrets such as losing quality people in your life because they can't wait around for you forever, they grow impatient and move on.

                          Commitment is not bad. Commitment makes you feel secure. The playboy mentality is lonely. Sure, it's exciting, there's a rush but eventually it's a lonely feeling because there is no commitment and there is no LOVE. It's everyone using each other for a cheap, temporary thrill. The playboy lifestyle makes you feel cheap, used for yourself and others, shallow, superficial and hollow. Empty. Commitment will make you happy because you have something to look forward to everyday such as a reciprocation of your love. There is balance to the relationship whereas hopping from one woman to the next will feel senseless. Don't let a good one get away due to your foolishness. Think smart and be logical. Feel secure; not lost.
                          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by chanelle View Post

                            It's good that you had some friends in your past and hope you find friends in your community. Isolation creates depression and other mental illness. It's mentally and ultimately physically unhealthy .

                            Hope you can work on monogamy with your girlfriend especially if you don't want to lose her. Try your best to avoid Tinder since you'll get yourself into trouble. Hope you can heal from your secluded upbringing and change the way you think. You will heal and grow. Give yourself time but not too much time. Try to be a quick study and learn fast. You don't want regrets such as losing quality people in your life because they can't wait around for you forever, they grow impatient and move on.

                            Commitment is not bad. Commitment makes you feel secure. The playboy mentality is lonely. Sure, it's exciting, there's a rush but eventually it's a lonely feeling because there is no commitment and there is no LOVE. It's everyone using each other for a cheap, temporary thrill. The playboy lifestyle makes you feel cheap, used for yourself and others, shallow, superficial and hollow. Empty. Commitment will make you happy because you have something to look forward to everyday such as a reciprocation of your love. There is balance to the relationship whereas hopping from one woman to the next will feel senseless. Don't let a good one get away due to your foolishness. Think smart and be logical. Feel secure; not lost.
                            Thank you for this. I should recite your last paragraph to myself every morning, hah.

                            I am not on Tinder, I deleted it as soon as my girlfriend and I became exclusive two weeks after our first date.

                            Yeah, the funny thing is I never really had the desire for the stereotypical "playboy lifestyle," like, one night stands, etc. I would want to develop something nice and sincere with one woman, have a bunch of good sex, and then move onto someone else. And part of my fear of long term monogamy seemed to stem from the fear of missing out on a lot of really nice, intimate experiences with different people, and the fact that sex and intimacy feels different with different women. But I know that that isn't worth giving up a deep long-term partnership with someone where you have both the best chemistry and sex you could ever want, as well as shared passions, common interests, and a bond grown and deepened over time.

                            So I feel that my epiphany I described in the first post is probably pretty spot on. The fact that I wanted actual sincere connections with multiple women, and not just one night stands, is the giveaway. I was looking for human connection, that desire was a proxy for the need for more human connection, friends, and family in my life. And possibly on some level, since it manifested as a specifically romantic/sexual desire, an endless search for the mom I never had?

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by anonymous5 View Post

                              Thank you for this. I should recite your last paragraph to myself every morning, hah.

                              I am not on Tinder, I deleted it as soon as my girlfriend and I became exclusive two weeks after our first date.

                              Yeah, the funny thing is I never really had the desire for the stereotypical "playboy lifestyle," like, one night stands, etc. I would want to develop something nice and sincere with one woman, have a bunch of good sex, and then move onto someone else. And part of my fear of long term monogamy seemed to stem from the fear of missing out on a lot of really nice, intimate experiences with different people, and the fact that sex and intimacy feels different with different women. But I know that that isn't worth giving up a deep long-term partnership with someone where you have both the best chemistry and sex you could ever want, as well as shared passions, common interests, and a bond grown and deepened over time.

                              So I feel that my epiphany I described in the first post is probably pretty spot on. The fact that I wanted actual sincere connections with multiple women, and not just one night stands, is the giveaway. I was looking for human connection, that desire was a proxy for the need for more human connection, friends, and family in my life. And possibly on some level, since it manifested as a specifically romantic/sexual desire, an endless search for the mom I never had?
                              The grass always look greener on the other side. You will grow bored with multiple women and realize you have a gem to cherish preciously. If you truly love her, devote all of your heart with sincerity. Your intentions and thought process needs to be sincere. Start trusting yourself. Temptation is exciting but once you realize it wasn't that great, it's a lesson learned that what you have already is priceless which is the love of your life. It's just like Christmas. Oh boy, you have a lot of gifts to open up. It's exciting and thrilling at first and then you'll grow bored quickly because they're just things just like people can be objects but there's nothing more to them. Both you and other women are shells and empty inside. Hang onto the one you have already because most people are terribly lonely in this world. You're so fortunate to have found "thee one." Change the way you think. Be an honorable, respectable man of integrity. You'll like yourself better. You'll respect yourself and you can look yourself in the mirror knowing you're doing the right thing. Change your heart and the way your brain thinks. Even if you're not religious, try praying for strength to change your heart and your mindset. Your girlfriend will appreciate the new you and your permanent change for the better for the rest of your life. You'll feel more secure knowing that you will give your girlfriend your loyalty and devotion. It's a win-win.
                              "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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