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Up all night... and all morning

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  • Up all night... and all morning

    Hey everyone, I am running on fumes this morning, but this post isn’t about me it is about my BF.

    Last night he told me he was going out with a friend who came to his house. I do not particularly like this friend because, for example, last night he brought pain meds to my BF’s apartment and My BF participated. That wasn’t the only thing he brought over, he brought a friend with him who my BF did not even mention until after the fact.

    being my normal self, I didn’t jump to conclusions right away. But, my BF has to work this morning. He drank all night and still drove himself and the other 2 people home. I am suspicious that the other 2 spent the night, because they did not get back from the bar until 330am. This is so unusual for him to be out so late when he works the next morning.

    well, he never went to sleep. And for some reason, I could barely sleep at all myself. I haven’t heard from him this morning. I know that the 3rd wheel who tagged along is someone he would find attractive. I can’t help but wonder why he has been up all night. Something that really stood out to me is that he posted a picture of the 3 of them together on Snapchat. He never does that.

    we have been together for 2 Years next week, and have definitely had a few obstacles to hurdle over. We are purchasing a home together and the closing process has already begun. We are 32 days away. I can’t seem to shake this nauseous feeling that he was up all night accompanying this ‘other friend’ who came along. and I’ve never felt this way before. I did something I don’t usuall do; I checked phone logs. Lo and behold, I saw an unusual number pop up for the first time. There were 3 calls this morning. I typed the number in Facebook, and guess who’s profile pops up?

    yes, the ‘other friend’. I know this is the first and only time they have met/hung out. But I don’t feel comfortable at all.


    *********UPDATE*********

    The Friend And the girl rode together to my BF’s apartment. So I asked how they got home....

    He told me ‘ She was wasted, so I decided to let her stay’.

    i hadn’t responsed back, and he texted again saying “should I not have let her stay?”

    but, how did the other friend get home??? Am I crazy, or is this unacceptable? Now my mind is wandering even more so. And I feel like throwing up.
    Last edited by Meb22580; March 8th, 2018, 12:03 PM.

  • #2
    Has your BF of nearly 2 years ever given you a reason to feel so suspect of infidelity ?
    The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

    Comment


    • #3
      Well, you certainly need to get to the bottom of it. He's in a relationship and purchasing a home with someone...why is he calling another woman 3 times? It could be perfectly innocent or it could be disastrous.

      Has the male friend ever brought drugs to your bf's house before? If so, have you ever had a conversation with your bf about it? Have the two of you set up some boundaries and rules for the relationship? You seem to have skipped a step in all of this. You don't buy a house with someone and THEN decide on what kinds of rules should this relationship have.

      Find out what's going on. If he's cheating on you then you need to sell the house immediately or get your name off of the mortgage.
      "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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      • #4
        Why would you purchase a home with a man who has made no commitment to you and you've only dated for two years? That's just foolish. I would suggest that you shut the deal down, even if it costs you money, and wait until you 1) trust him, and 2) are committed to each other.

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        • #5
          it seems you have presented a very clear case he cheated on you last night with the "other friend" and probably not for the first time. you need to get to the bottom of this before the mortgage becomes final and you can't opp out. i would not make that investment until you were married but that is up to you as can be resold if you and him break up

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          • #6
            Originally posted by pistol View Post
            Has your BF of nearly 2 years ever given you a reason to feel so suspect of infidelity ?
            *sigh*. Unfortunately, yes. About 8 months ago, he told me we needed to talk about something....

            thats when he told old me he had cheated on me with his Ex. It was during the time period when his Grandmother (who raised him) had passed away. The news blindsided me, and I felt that him confessing was a bold move. He apologized and I believed it to be sincere. It was difficult for me, but I let go and decided to move past this news.

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            • #7
              Is he your first serious BF ?
              The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

              Comment


              • #8
                Stop the deal from closing on the house and move on from this relationship. Possibilities of cheating aside, he sounds irresponsible. If he can't make sure he's in bed and giving his body and mind enough rest to tackle a new work day, how can you be sure he will ever help out in the upkeep and maintenance of a home? What is his work ethic like or his ambition? Why is it that you have to find out about his extracurricular activities via a teenage social media medium? I hope you come to your senses and realize how juvenile this is. Are you shacking up with someone because you think you can't find any better? This person is getting to as low as you can get at the bottom of the barrel.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
                  Well, you certainly need to get to the bottom of it. He's in a relationship and purchasing a home with someone...why is he calling another woman 3 times? It could be perfectly innocent or it could be disastrous.

                  Has the male friend ever brought drugs to your bf's house before? If so, have you ever had a conversation with your bf about it? Have the two of you set up some boundaries and rules for the relationship? You seem to have skipped a step in all of this. You don't buy a house with someone and THEN decide on what kinds of rules should this relationship have.

                  Find out what's going on. If he's cheating on you then you need to sell the house immediately or get your name off of the mortgage.
                  We have never really stated any rules or boundaries. I suppose maybe we probably should discuss this. I was raised in a family where my parents have been married for 50+ years. When things get hard or when problems arise, you fix them. I believe relationships take a lot of work and effort. He on the other hand, his parents are split. His dad is on his 4th marriage and his mom is single and been divorced twice. He has a step-brother who is only 2 months older than he is (result of his dad’s infidelity)

                  maybe the environment i was I was raised in is to blame for assuming ‘this is how a relationship works’ and that your partner would never do such a thing.

                  *** also, yes, he has brought drugs before. And I talked with my bf about it, and expressed how I felt towards substance abuse. He has tried to hide that he smokes marijuana from me. Not that I have a particularly major problem with him smoking, but he smokes very frequently. The pills (and cocaine sometimes) are more of an issue for me. He states it is just recreational use
                  Last edited by Meb22580; March 8th, 2018, 10:49 AM.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by pistol View Post
                    Is he your first serious BF ?
                    No, this he is the 3rd.

                    My first serious BF cheated repeatedly. The second was pushing marriage and such WAY too soon and early (at least for me— 5 months into he relationship)

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                      Stop the deal from closing on the house and move on from this relationship. Possibilities of cheating aside, he sounds irresponsible. If he can't make sure he's in bed and giving his body and mind enough rest to tackle a new work day, how can you be sure he will ever help out in the upkeep and maintenance of a home? What is his work ethic like or his ambition? Why is it that you have to find out about his extracurricular activities via a teenage social media medium? I hope you come to your senses and realize how juvenile this is. Are you shacking up with someone because you think you can't find any better? This person is getting to as low as you can get at the bottom of the barrel.

                      I guess In a way maybe I feel like I couldn’t find anyone better. But, I am also not/haven’t been looking to find someone else.
                      as for his work ethic, he goes to work every day. He’s never had an I excused absence that I know of. He pays his bills on time. But he doesn’t really have any money saved. However, he is good with a budget. I feel like he does want to have a comfortable lifestyle and a better job, not that his job now isn’t good, but he takes calls at a call center. He graduated college with a bachelors degree. Idk...

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                      • #12
                        Don't blame this situation on your rose-colored-glasses notion of your parents' marriage. This is a different era.

                        You walked into all of this with your eyes open. You know he smokes marijuana but hides the frequency from you. He uses cocaine (probably a lot more than you think) and he engages in clandestine meetings and communications with another woman. And yet you saw fit to make a huge financial commitment with him without even being sure of his commitment to you. You have behaved foolishly and there will be hell to pay for it.

                        Also, you have no idea how many times he has met this girl or other girls. If he hides pot smoking from you, it's a logical step to hide other things as well. Can you live with all of this?

                        If you don't sit down with him and set up some rules for a relationship, the problems will escalate.
                        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                        • #13
                          Okay, so now that we some clarification about where you BOTH come from, let's look at the facts:

                          - you have been the victim of infidelity in the past, so your suspicions in this case, could be founded. But until you have a grown up conversation with him about what your snooping uncovered, this remains just a suspicion.

                          - you come from a home where your folks are still married, and believe that all problems are fixable. I read a really wonderful article about this belief the other day. The jist of it is that the divorce rate is higher now, not because couples don't have what it takes to maintain a successful and healthy marriage, it's because women have woken up, and are educated and have careers, so their partner can't be a douchebag AND expect that the woman will stay.

                          - he could just as likely follow in the steps of his parents (just as you are in yours) and have zero respect for monogamy and have little to no moral boundaries, but you would know this about him by now, wouldn't you ? And surely you wouldn't be tying yourself financially to a man who was any less than what you thought he was ?

                          - if your BF HAS done such a thing, he's proving to you that once a cheater, always a cheater.

                          He has a shitty example to live his life by, but he also had a choice. He could decide to live his existence completely opposite of his parents (because he can clearly see the effects of cheating and the unhealthy relationships it creates) or he could take the weak and cowardly way out, and blame his parents for who he's become. If the latter is the case, you need to seriously take into consideration what all my other TRF peeps have told you:

                          GET OUT BEFORE THAT HOUSE DEAL GOES THROUGH.
                          The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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                          • #14
                            Update****

                            The Friend And the girl rode together to my BF’s apartment. So I asked how they got home....

                            He told me ‘ She was wasted, so I decided to let her stay’.

                            i hadn’t responsed back, and he texted again saying “should I not have let her stay?”

                            but, how did the other friend get home??? Am I crazy, or is this unacceptable? Now my mind is wandering even more so. And I feel like throwing up.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              What about the phone calls ?
                              The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

                              Comment

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