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My boyfriend's ex will not stop messaging him

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  • My boyfriend's ex will not stop messaging him

    I just want some advice as to whether I'm overreacting or not. I have been with my boyfriend just over a year now and before he met me he not long had a baby with his ex obviously his ex hated me and did everything she could to cause trouble In our relationship. Now I know they have a daughter together but is there really any need for his ex to text him more or less everyday since we have been together and sometimes it's not about their daughter which gets me abit mad I've talked to my boyfriend about it and said that it's not normal to be having conversations with your ex on a daily basis when your in a new relationship especially things that don't involve their daughter. I just feel it's all too much, should I just let them get on with it and shut up or does it need to stop I'm confused?

  • #2
    You have to understand that this woman is going to be a part of his life forever. It's in the best intrest of their child for the two of them to have a decent relationship and to be able to discuss practical things and child-related topics peacefully and friendly.
    However messaging every single day does go too far. The ex trying to cause trouble in your relationship with him definitely crosses the border and is unacceptable, unless you would be harming her daughters wellbeing in some way.

    How did your ex respond to her trying to cause trouble in your relationship. Did he take a firm stand on the matter and tell her to get out of his business? Or did he let it slide?
    You say "obviously his ex hated me". There's nothing obvious about that. That's not a normal reaction. It's a sign that the ex hasn't moved on from the relationship and is still somehow hoping/trying to get back together with your boyfriend.

    It's up to your boyfriend to determine how much contact he wants to maintain with his ex. But it's up to you to decide whether you want to be in a relationship where a third party is constantly involved. If you can't find common ground, I suggest you leave it at this. Your frustration will only grow over time.

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    • #3
      Thanks for your reply ayla

      Yeah I understand that, I just feel she still has feelings for him and I feel that's why she messages him everyday about anything and everything. At the beginning of our relationship my boyfriend did tell his ex to mind her own business which was good but then she use to use their daughter as a weapon whenever she didn't get her own way. Lately they have only been talking about their daughter which is okay I guess, I just dont see why we have to hear from her everyday day

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      • #4
        Originally posted by Candy101 View Post
        Thanks for your reply ayla

        Yeah I understand that, I just feel she still has feelings for him and I feel that's why she messages him everyday about anything and everything. At the beginning of our relationship my boyfriend did tell his ex to mind her own business which was good but then she use to use their daughter as a weapon whenever she didn't get her own way. Lately they have only been talking about their daughter which is okay I guess, I just dont see why we have to hear from her everyday day
        Well, if it's about their daughter and they need to be in touch to give each other feedback and keep each other updated on how she's doing, then there's really nothing for you to do but accept that, or find a boyfriend who doesn't have kids.
        Like I said, she will be in his life forever. Not just until the daughter turns 18, but forever.

        You can't control how someone else feels about your boyfriend. Unfortunately, he can't control it either. It's pretty rotten when someone uses a child to manipulate the father, but I understand why he wants to keep the peace between him and his ex in the best intrest of their daughter.
        Do they have a custody agreement? Has there been a ruling about his visitation rights, or is he dependant on the goodwill of his ex? If they don't have a written agreement, I suggest he gets that in writing asap! That way he can feel a bit more secure about telling the ex to back off.

        It sounds to me like your bf doesn't have any bad intentions. He's just trying to keep the peace, for his daughter's sake. The fact that his ex messages him, is not his fault. As long as he tells her to back off when she gets too close, he's doing all he can do.
        That being said, not everyone is cut out to be a stepmom. Not everyone can handle a relationship where the ex is still somehow in the picture. Decide whether you're really up for this in the long run, and cut your boyfriend loose if you have to.

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        • #5
          What kinds of things does she message him about that are not connected with his daughter?
          "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Candy101 View Post
            ......Yeah I understand that, I just feel she still has feelings for him and I feel that's why she messages him everyday about anything and everything. ....
            Neither you or your boyfriend have control over the ex's feelings, so don't beat your boyfriend up over it. All he can do is set limits with her contact, not respond to every message she sends, and keep you informed of their contacts.


            Originally posted by Candy101 View Post
            .....Lately they have only been talking about their daughter which is okay I guess, ...
            It either is or it isn't. If it's not okay with you, then you have no business being in a relationship with this man. He has a child and he has to deal with the mother of that child FOREVER. If you can't deal, which would be perfectly understandable, then move on.

            Good luck

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            • #7
              Yeah I guess that is something I'm just going to have to accept. Like you said as long as it's about their daughter and nothing else I shouldn't really be worried.

              they don't have an agreement set up just yet, my boyfriend has his daughter on set days mainly weekends and a little bit through the week as her mum works. Would it be worth them setting up an agreement do you think?

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              • #8
                This is new for the both of them. I would reconsider a relationship with a man who doesn't have his life in order and is juggling more than he can handle. Everything you've written suggests that you don't have enough time with him as you would like and his ex and baby girl are a hindrance to your life together. This may sound harsh but it's calling a spade a spade. Agreements and communication with her aside, do you both ever have time to deepen your relationship at all? If you feel that it's stagnating or moving at a snail's pace or even devolving (moving backwards) and you're not growing in this relationship due to his other commitments, you need to ask yourself whether it's healthy for you and whether it's time to move on. This is neither the right man nor the right time.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Candy101 View Post
                  ...... Would it be worth them setting up an agreement do you think?....
                  Having a legal court ordered (or approved) agreement puts responsibilities, boundaries, and predictable structure to the visitation. As a result, you don't have the mother arbitrarily asking/demanding that your boyfriend switch days or intentionally changing up the schedule to interfere with your plans and life.

                  Obviously, emergencies can come up, but non-emergencies and manipulative "blackmail" scenarios can be avoided.

                  So, yes, having a legal agreement is useful--particularly so if you have a meddlesome parent.

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                  • #10
                    Ah Okay, thank you for all your advice people you have all been very helpful and I appreciate all the time and effort you have made to respond to me. I am going to take on board what you have all said and hopefully things will work out

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                    • #11
                      Yes having a court set the boundaries helps.
                      But why hasn't your bf done this already??
                      Maybe he doesn't want to?

                      I was with a guy for a year and he still hadn't divorced his wife nor had a court state the boundaries, custody rights etc. His kid was 15 years old.

                      He has had a year to sort it out but for some reason hasn't.

                      How long were they together? How old is the child now? How soon after they split did you get with him? Is she with a new partner?
                      Why did they split?

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