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  • My BF keeps hurting me.

    Hi everyone,

    So I am looking for advice, since I am not sure what to do. I feel a lot of stress about this. Excuse me if I make any mistakes in grammar, since English isn't my first language. Thank you.

    So I have been with my BF for around a month. It's a long distance relationship, since we both live on different continents. Let's call him J. I think he's really amazing. We get along well and he makes me laugh a lot. He makes my days way better. We just have some problems and I don't know what to do to solve it.

    It starts with that he says things at the wrong timing. I am not sure how to explain that. Sometimes he makes jokes that bother me. Kind of awkward jokes. So for instance he was telling me about an experience he had and mentioned the hot ladies that were there. This upset me, but I let it slide. Then another time we had a big problem. I deal with severe depression and anxiety. So occasionally I have anxiety attacks. This time I had one and he reacted in a very defensive way. Almost like blaming me for it, when all I wanted was to be reassured. He just reacts in a very defensive way. Even when I tell him I want to be reassured, he doesn't. Instead he tells me perhaps it's better to leave the relationship or something similar. This gives me even worse anxiety and yeah.. . This one time I couldn't stop crying and he kept on going on. Or he tells me that whenever he says something I get hurt. So kind of guilt tripping me. Since I end up thinking okay well.. sorry then. When he said something that hurt me, and I tell him he doesn't try. He just says that he can't fix it. That he can't fix the issue we're having when he did something wrong. Or that he doesn't know what to do. So that makes me think okay well.. then now what? He doesn't try to get me to forgive him when we have a problem. At most he only says he's sorry and then expects me to be okay with that.

    Then this other time I was telling him about something. We talked about a spa treatment I had done. I was quite satisfied, but shocked about one thing. I said that the lady was topless, which I thought was a bit unheard of(but it's okay in her culture.) And in reference to that he responded and said that the topless lady sounds good. This was also after my anxiety attack. Right after actually. So it hit me really hard. Then I tried getting over it, but I just couldn't. So the next day he asked me how I was doing and I told him I wasn't doing well and dealing with anxiety and that his comment really hurt me. So he proceeded to turn his phone off and ignore me for an entire day. While I was in a really bad state. All I wanted was to just talk about it, vent etc. But he just ignored me. I couldn't sleep and kept thinking about what I did wrong, if I am the problem, if he wants to leave..

    His response the next day was that he turned his phone off since he was gonna write me an angry message but he didn't and left. I just don't understand. Since why do I deserve an angry message in the first place? I didn't do anything wrong, right? It's just that if this is how he is going to respond then I won't tell him anything that bothers me. If he just leaves then I definitely won't tell him anything. Or let's say if I am angry in the future, I won't tell him. Since I am guessing he will just leave or be angry about it. He says that if he thinks or feels there is any aggression he responds with aggression? Which kind of scares me to be honest. Since if there is anger, even justified anger he will respond with anger? It just isn't right. I wasn't even really angry at the time. I was just hurt and sad. I needed to get it off my chest and talk about it. He just immediately assumed I was trying to argue and that I was angry. That's sort of what he immediately thinks. He says that's just his reaction. But I guess I won't tell him the next time. It just scares me to be honest. I come from an abusive family and have a past in that, so it really scares me. I just don't feel safe or comfortable at all. He always says he's there for me, that he cares about me, loves me etc. But honestly I doubt it. Since you don't treat someone you care about in that way. He isn't there for me, since he is just there when it's convenient. He also gets upset when I tell him I doubt it.

    Another problem we had is when I was having another anxiety attack. And I wanted to talk about it, but he kept on leaving to play with his puppy. And changing to subject to himself. So when he does that I feel guilty, since now I can't talk about it because he clearly doesn't want to. He just tends to get selfish when it comes to that. He also says he can't read me. But even if I tell him I feel sad, or give him signs he just doesn't want to talk about it. If I am very quiet or something he doesn't pick up on it and thinks I am fine. And this one time he says that he just kind of doesn't talk about things. I mean that let's say something bothers him or he had a bad day or anything similar he doesn't like to talk about it. So I guess he expects me to be the same way? But I feel like you should be able to talk to someone you're with. If you want to talk, you should be able to feel safe to do so.

    Anyway yeah. I don't know what to do. I feel really unhappy and sad. I have cried so much because of him and I had terrible days because of him, but he doesn't seem to understand. It just really affects. All I ever wanted was just to be loved. Really loved and someone that would really care for me. I have tried to put my trust and faith in him, even though it was really hard because of my past. But he keeps disappointing me and making me feel unhappy. I am already going through things and this just makes it worse. He is also dealing with problems at home, so I try to be mindful of that and not bother him much. I try to help him too and be there for him. It just feels like he doesn't want to be with me at all. That I would do anything for him, but that he just doesn't feel the same way. And that hurts me a lot. I just don't know what to do. What can we do about this? Am I the one that's doing things wrong? I hope anyone can help me. Thank you.

  • #2
    Have you met him in person or is this a computer romance?
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      Are you getting therapy to help you to over come your anxiety? If not, why not. If you overcome that, you'll get off the computer and will be confident enough to meet men in real life that aren't a continent away.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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      • #4
        Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
        Are you getting therapy to help you to over come your anxiety? If not, why not. If you overcome that, you'll get off the computer and will be confident enough to meet men in real life that aren't a continent away.
        Yes I am. I am getting help for it. For quite some time actually. I don't mind he lives in another continent, since I believe that things like country don't matter. As long as you end up meeting in real life. And just finding a solution. I didn't specifically search someone that lives far away from me lol. It's actually quite the opposite. You don't need to assume something about this relationship, since you don't know all those things. Anyway it's not about that. I was asking about the specific problems we were having, not this.
        Last edited by sunshineitje; March 6th, 2018, 08:07 PM.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by sunshineitje View Post

          Yes I am. I am getting help for it. For quite some time actually. I don't mind he lives in another continent, since I believe that things like country don't matter. As long as you end up meeting in real life. And just finding a solution. I didn't specifically search someone that lives far away from me lol. It's actually quite the opposite. You don't need to assume something about this relationship, since you don't know all those things. Anyway it's not about that. I was asking about the specific problems we were having, not this.
          After one month of talking to a screen..you should be having no problems. Dump him, work on your anxiety and when you're no longer having panic attacks as a lifestyle, then find someone who is close enough for you to get to know them in real life.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

          Comment


          • #6
            Why don't you tell us about all of those things that we don't know about? Why do you think this relationship is going to work, seeing as how you don't think living on two different continents is a problem?

            Also, how old are you and how do you support yourself? I'm asking to see if there's a possibility that you could actually meet.

            You say he has been having problems 'at home.' Does that mean he's still living with parents? What does he do for a living?
            Last edited by SarahLancaster; March 6th, 2018, 09:26 PM.
            "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

            Comment


            • #7
              Your bf is not a unique snowflake. He's actually status quo. Most young men (emphasis on most not all) are thoughtless and don't have it together and these are real time relationships. I can't imagine what kind of misunderstandings are flying between you both on top of your mental health issues with depression and anxiety in a long distance relationship.

              If you're smart, you'll get off your pc and work with a therapist or get some real help and advice on how to increase your awareness regarding your own mental health and ways to find happiness through more reliable means. This means meeting or making friends in person and facing or overcoming your anxiety and learning to control it. This relationship isn't working for you. If it was you wouldn't be on a forum of strangers verbalizing how badly your bf treats you. If you have broken relationships with your family members, your parents or your friends in real life, I'd suggest working on those relationships and re-building a support network you can trust.
              Last edited by Rose Mosse; March 7th, 2018, 01:15 AM.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                Your bf is not a unique snowflake. He's actually status quo. Most young men (emphasis on most not all) are thoughtless and don't have it together and these are real time relationships. I can't imagine what kind of misunderstandings are flying between you both on top of your mental health issues with depression and anxiety in a long distance relationship.

                If you're smart, you'll get off your pc and work with a therapist or get some real help and advice on how to increase your awareness regarding your own mental health and ways to find happiness through more reliable means. This means meeting or making friends in person and facing or overcoming your anxiety and learning to control it. This relationship isn't working for you. If it was you wouldn't be on a forum of strangers verbalizing how badly your bf treats you. If you have broken relationships with your family members, your parents or your friends in real life, I'd suggest working on those relationships and re-building a support network you can trust.
                I have already been seeing therapists and I am trying to continue getting the right help. I also often meet my friends in real life, lol. You don't have to make assumptions like that, since you don't know what my life looks like. I was only trying to get different perspectives than my own.

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                • #9
                  To start with this guy you have been chatting to for only 30 days is not your bf.

                  He makes flippant comments about your massage therapist being topless etc , what guy wouldn't????
                  Its funny!

                  Its not his fault you are over the top sensitive and get hurt by silly remarks.
                  Good on him for not bowing down to that.

                  Your anxiety is your issue, not his.
                  He shouldn't have to walk on egg shells in case you cry. It's up to you to deal with your anxiety not him to allow it.

                  Poor guy!

                  You will never have a trusting successful relationship while you remain like this and expect others to tip toe around you in case you get "hurt"

                  So end the chit chat with him and change therapist because the one you are seeing is clearly not helping.

                  Goodluck!

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