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Insecurities About Having A Bisexual Partner

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  • Insecurities About Having A Bisexual Partner

    I went to this because im going crazy thinking about it and I have no one else to talk to or relate to with this. Im a straight male and my girlfriend is bisexual. We've been together for a year and a half. Ive known about her sexuality even long before we started dating and its never been a problem for me; it's not even my first time dating a non-straight girl. We have always had pretty open conversations about sex and sexual orientation and the subject has normally been pretty comfortable between the two of us. However, I have always had fears about her preferences for girls becoming an issue in our relationship. We're both 18 years old and although she has had some female relationships in the past, it has never been anything serious and she has never had a sexual experience with another girl. We are both extremely in love and take this relationship very seriously; we both intend to stay with each other for the rest of our lives. But I constantly worry about the fact that she will always have regrets and curiosities about being with another woman and I cant help it.
    And most recently, her and I were joking around in the car when I jokingly took her phone and went through her search history. She grabbed the phone from me and I tried to take it back from her (this was all in the form of a game, we were both laughing and having fun.) She eventually threw her phone to the back of the truck, which was odd because we are used to giving each other phones without a problem. I began to playfully interrogate her about what was so bad with what she was looking at that I couldnt see it and she wouldnt pry. This went on for much longer than I was expecting to where I became genuinely curious and said I was going to go to the truck, get her phone, and see for myself. She kept saying "it was not that bad, but it would be bad once she told me," which only made me that more curious. Tired of the games, I started climb back to get her phone to where she then blurted out "It's just exclusively lesbian porn!" I was surprised. I knew that she was bisexual but most of our conversations regarding sex was geared towards male-female stuff, and she often gave off the impression she was more into guys anyways. I tried to play it off as not being that affected by it, but the rest of the car ride was extremely awkward and uncomfortable and we both sat in silence until I had to leave.
    Ever since then ive been so intensely insecure about the entire situation. I never tried to ignore the fact she liked girls but there was never reason to really address it in my mind until now. Now I cant stop thinking about how I'll never be able to fully satisfy her and it is heart crushing. I wish I could be everything my girlfriend wants but to know thats impossible is the hardest thinh to accept. And from learning about the porn I just feel so inadequate sexually. I have no problem making her orgasm, we have a great sex life, and im well endowed, but I just cant get it out my mind that I'm not entirely want she wants sexually. Its extremely disheartening and I cant get it out of my head.
    All in all, Im just feeling so inadequate and crushed now that I really have to face the fact Im not wholly what my girlfriends wants and that Ill never be able to fully satisfy her. I just really need some help with the situation from someone that understands or be able to give any amount of advice. I dont want this situation to stunt our relationship but its becoming very debilitating for me. Any and all help would be so aopreciated.

  • #2
    Well the first thing you need to do, is to stop thinking so black and white about her bisexuality. Being bisexual doesn't mean that you switch between wanting men one day and wanting women the next. It means that you can be attracted to anyone on that scale, from men to women (and everything inbetween - which seems so popular these days).

    Stop thinking that there's some kind of switch that she can flip one day and suddenly stop being attracted to men and start wanting women. It doesn't work that way. Your girlfriend is attracted to people in general. Some people will be more her type than others. Their gender just doesn't play a large factor in that.

    Your girlfriend might be curious to discover some things that she hasn't been able to experience. So what? Aren't you? Can you honestly say that since you've met her, you haven't once looked at porn and wondered what it would be like to hook up with one of those "actresses", or fantasized about it? As happy as you both may be about your sexlife, at your age it's only normal to be curious and want to explore. Should she feel threatened every time you watch porn, because you might be more attracted to one of those girls than to her?
    Stop comparing yourself to those imaginary threats you've constructed in your mind. Just pay attention to the signs she gives you. As long as she enjoys your sex life and you're happy together, you have nothing to worry about.
    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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    • #3
      I think you have serious issues regarding your self-confidence and this has very little to do with your girlfriend's sexuality. If she was looking at male porn of sexier men, would you feel the same insecurity? Being somewhere in between myself and having been in your girlfriend's shoes at one time in my life with a very resentful, low-confidence guy, was a handful. It ended up with me trying to console and placate a man who ultimately had problems with his own self-worth and ability to please a woman, period. I found that he was resentful and perhaps even jealous that I was able to find pleasure in more than one way, with different genders including transgendered or transexual-identified individuals. Your girlfriend is able to appreciate more than one type of human being and you really shouldn't be taking it out on her. Your negative thoughts are going to get the better of you if you're not able to control them and she'll see you as a very narrow-minded person. I know that was one of the most unattractive things I found with my previous partner and I knew that it was not the baggage I wanted to carry nor the life I wanted to live in association with such types.

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      • #4
        You won't be able to fully satisfy her, that's why she looks at girl on girl porn... It supplements, in her fantasies, what you can't give her. That, of course, does not mean she'd ever cheat on you or that you don't sexually satisfy her.

        Doesn't everyone look at porn that stars people that are NOTHING like our actual partners? Geesh, whats to point in looking at the same thing? Where's the fantasy in that?

        If you are going to be this insecure about her looking at lesbian porn then I suggest you leave her now and find a hetrosexual woman with whom you would be more compatible with and would be able to have a calm existence together.

        There is no sense going through life with someone that angst you out while you are thinking you're not enough for her.
        Last edited by phasesofthemoon; March 6th, 2018, 03:44 PM.
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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        • #5
          easy solution if you really can't get out of your mind have a threesome with her and a female friend. it is obvious to me by the fact she is with you for eighteen months and had no sex with a female she prefers males sexing her.

          only other solutions are lose your insecurity or find a straight girlfriend (which you already have since she only fantasies about lesbian sex) .

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          • #6
            Also to clarify, i have not in any way put any of my frustration out on my girlfriend. I am very aware that what im feeling is my issue and that none of it is to blame on anyone else. I have kept this all internally and havent given any signs of being uncomfortable since the car ride.
            Also, my main issue isn't really whether or not my girlfriend wants me or not as a partner, Im just really concerned about me not being able to satisfy her. For me, I find it extremely important in my relationship that i could always be satisfied with whom Im with fundamentally, and I wish to be the same for whomever Im dating. And of course her and i have felt insecure or upset with one another or had issues, but ive never felt like my girlfriend wasnt the one for me and through thick and thin I have always been completely satisfied with her being the girl I am with. From my point of view now, (and this is only from the way i see it currently, im not claiming this is the reality of the situation), the fact she is bisexual and has romantic and sexual preferences for women makes it feel to me that there will always be a fundamental side of my girlfriend that I could never satisfy. That is simply the way I feel at the moment and Im trying to learn how to either 1.) accept it or 2.) understand how my point of view isnt the way how the situation truly is.
            Thank you for any and all feedback that has been given/will be given; it is all extremely helpful.

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            • #7
              You both need to work on verbalizing your love for each other because I don't think you're communicating well. Instead of breaking each other down by your differences you should be uplifting each other and coming together with new appreciation. You mentioned having conversations with her but those conversations focus on her sexuality or sexuality in general. When was the last time you both looked each other in the eye and described all the things you love about each other? Things that make your relationship and you both as a couple beautiful and unique, one of a kind? You're not focusing on enough of what matters, what's right under your very nose. The way you're living is no way to live at all. You don't have to accept anything you're not comfortable with but if you don't make a promise to each other to get to know one another and express your deep love for each other, you'll never get rid of this insecurity.

              I also want to point out that she has never had a sexual experience with another girl. Her curiosity isn't tested and whether she's bisexual or not, I hate to say it but she won't really know until she finds herself with another woman. Young girls seem to think that they're bisexual but whether or not they can actually please another woman or sustain a same-sex relationship is another matter, not to mention live openly gay or bisexual which is a whole different ball game. That calls for serious commitment to one's identity and a seriousness that your girlfriend has never encountered in her life nor faced yet because discrimination is real - both in your personal lives, at work or in public.

              If she shows you or exhibits more tendencies to explore her sexuality and you're not up for something like that while being in a relationship, that's her prerogative. I don't think you should have to stick around for that in the same way a completely het woman wants to explore dating with other men. Move on with your life then and learn from this experience.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by 1rrobb View Post
                Also to clarify, i have not in any way put any of my frustration out on my girlfriend. I am very aware that what im feeling is my issue and that none of it is to blame on anyone else. I have kept this all internally and havent given any signs of being uncomfortable since the car ride.
                Also, my main issue isn't really whether or not my girlfriend wants me or not as a partner, Im just really concerned about me not being able to satisfy her. For me, I find it extremely important in my relationship that i could always be satisfied with whom Im with fundamentally, and I wish to be the same for whomever Im dating. And of course her and i have felt insecure or upset with one another or had issues, but ive never felt like my girlfriend wasnt the one for me and through thick and thin I have always been completely satisfied with her being the girl I am with. From my point of view now, (and this is only from the way i see it currently, im not claiming this is the reality of the situation), the fact she is bisexual and has romantic and sexual preferences for women makes it feel to me that there will always be a fundamental side of my girlfriend that I could never satisfy. That is simply the way I feel at the moment and Im trying to learn how to either 1.) accept it or 2.) understand how my point of view isnt the way how the situation truly is.
                Thank you for any and all feedback that has been given/will be given; it is all extremely helpful.
                I think that you have an unrealistic view about sexual satisfaction. It's not either fully there or fully absent.
                Get that notion out of your head. There is no 100% perfect match where the satisfaction is completely guaranteed every given time. Again, it's a scale that goes from hardly satisfactory to extremely satisfactory and everything inbetween.
                You can't tell me that there's not 1 single thing your girlfriend does/doesn't do that you wish were different. Maybe you have a fantasy that she's not into. Maybe there's a girl you saw on the street one day that had a feature that your girlfriend doesn't have and that you found attractive. All those things are very normal. That doesn't mean you're not sexually satisfied. That doesn't mean you'll cheat on her. And it's the same for her.

                Your girlfriend will always have to choose between being with a man or with a woman. From her perspective, given that she told you she leans more towards men, that means she's probably more satisfied by men than by women. She chooses you because you're high on the satisfcation scale. Stop being so insecure that you can't give her 100% satisfaction, because she can't do that for you either. Get your insecurity under control.
                You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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