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He's depressed & blowing up/pushing me away. Then begging me to stay.... advice?

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  • He's depressed & blowing up/pushing me away. Then begging me to stay.... advice?

    I’m engaged to a man in a very tough financial situation and he goes up and down…quite rapidly. Some days he’s fine — has high hopes and plans for the future…other days — he’s impossible.


    The relationship began amazing....he had money...success -- he felt very strong. But he spent large amounts trying to impress me and I now know he didn't have the power. He was 48 when we met and he had 500k in retirement. Now.....it's very slim. But then again...he doesn't show
    me or tell me...

    He is currently in business but it’s not doing very well. He’s living off of credit. I pay all my own bills and some of his to help. Not a tremendous amount of HIS right now…but still.

    When he gets in a bad place — he tells me that he is a disaster, that his life is in a horrible place…that I should just move on.

    He will then detail all the reasons I am the problem (usually made up shit) and then just goes from there.
    The last fight he told me that he could’t be with me anymore…that he’s sick of drama of worrying about me and how I might feel and that he just wants to be alone.

    he literally told me he wouldn’t even go with me and my child for spring break which I already planned and paid for FOR him. He said he would not go.

    He said he loves me SO much…he needs to let me go …and find happiness. He even said “you don’t even take care of yourself…” which I was VERY upset about. I absolutely do! He said that I don’t work out 5 days a week (sometimes only 3) and that’s not healthy…. so that means I don’t take care of myself?

    He also said that I leave clothes on my closet floor….because I’m so scattered because of him.

    He’s depressed…obviously. He’s a mess…clearly. I just spent 600 dollars for him to attend an educational conference so he could grow his business and it doesn’t seem that he’s done anything with it.

    He keeps saying he’s writing a blog….uhhhhh…he needs to do a lot more than that!

    The problem here? The tl/dr — he acts this way and I end up crying and he tells me that my crying makes he want to RUN from me….. (he literally grabbed his bag and headed for the door) …

    then I’ll just go to bed…he will come about 20 minutes later and wake up the next morning and he will be fine. Fairly positive…ready for sex…ready to act normal again.

    today he kept saying he loves me and wanted to know why i seemed quiet…and distant…..

    Today is a new day and he seems ok…..So what do I do with a man who is so hot and cold….. seems like he is done with me one day…then obsessive about being with me?

    He literally said that he didn’t want to be away from me at all today….he missed me so much.

    Is he mentally ill? Maybe I am for staying in this? I told him I want to be MARRIED. COMMITTED — and I don’t want to be up in the air to see what happens… if this is how life is going to be…..

    He said the fact that I wanted marriage now seemed like I was after something…inferring I wanted his 401k…which has virtually nothing in it…anyway…. INSANE.

    I need guidance. I don't want to leave...in many ways. I love him but do I? I'm tired....I think I just don't want to be alone. I'm 41 and starting over is not easy. We've been together for 4 years....

  • #2
    Don't get married. Your fiance is insecure, financially unstable, volatile, moody and if you marry him, you will regret it. It's better to be alone than lonely with a man who is a hot mess. I would dump him. You deserve better.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by thisisalwayshard View Post
      I’m engaged to a man in a very tough financial situation and he goes up and down…quite rapidly. Some days he’s fine — has high hopes and plans for the future…other days — he’s impossible.


      The relationship began amazing....he had money...success -- he felt very strong. But he spent large amounts trying to impress me and I now know he didn't have the power. He was 48 when we met and he had 500k in retirement. Now.....it's very slim. But then again...he doesn't show
      me or tell me...

      He is currently in business but it’s not doing very well. He’s living off of credit. I pay all my own bills and some of his to help. Not a tremendous amount of HIS right now…but still.

      When he gets in a bad place — he tells me that he is a disaster, that his life is in a horrible place…that I should just move on.

      He will then detail all the reasons I am the problem (usually made up shit) and then just goes from there.
      The last fight he told me that he could’t be with me anymore…that he’s sick of drama of worrying about me and how I might feel and that he just wants to be alone.

      he literally told me he wouldn’t even go with me and my child for spring break which I already planned and paid for FOR him. He said he would not go.

      He said he loves me SO much…he needs to let me go …and find happiness. He even said “you don’t even take care of yourself…” which I was VERY upset about. I absolutely do! He said that I don’t work out 5 days a week (sometimes only 3) and that’s not healthy…. so that means I don’t take care of myself?

      He also said that I leave clothes on my closet floor….because I’m so scattered because of him.

      He’s depressed…obviously. He’s a mess…clearly. I just spent 600 dollars for him to attend an educational conference so he could grow his business and it doesn’t seem that he’s done anything with it.

      He keeps saying he’s writing a blog….uhhhhh…he needs to do a lot more than that!

      The problem here? The tl/dr — he acts this way and I end up crying and he tells me that my crying makes he want to RUN from me….. (he literally grabbed his bag and headed for the door) …

      then I’ll just go to bed…he will come about 20 minutes later and wake up the next morning and he will be fine. Fairly positive…ready for sex…ready to act normal again.

      today he kept saying he loves me and wanted to know why i seemed quiet…and distant…..

      Today is a new day and he seems ok…..So what do I do with a man who is so hot and cold….. seems like he is done with me one day…then obsessive about being with me?

      He literally said that he didn’t want to be away from me at all today….he missed me so much.

      Is he mentally ill? Maybe I am for staying in this? I told him I want to be MARRIED. COMMITTED — and I don’t want to be up in the air to see what happens… if this is how life is going to be…..

      He said the fact that I wanted marriage now seemed like I was after something…inferring I wanted his 401k…which has virtually nothing in it…anyway…. INSANE.

      I need guidance. I don't want to leave...in many ways. I love him but do I? I'm tired....I think I just don't want to be alone. I'm 41 and starting over is not easy. We've been together for 4 years....
      He is right in thinking you are attracted to his apparent wealth. Look at how you described the early days "The relationship began amazing....he had money...success -- he felt very strong." No mention of compatibility, fun, passion etc. You were only impressed by his apparent wealth it seems. Which he clearly lied about.

      4 years later he has no money at 52 years old. He can no longer keep up his lie and you have started to subsidise him. He feels emasculated. Because in his eyes he should be the bread winner but he isn't.

      Leave him. Your relationship started off superficial. And it still is.

      Comment


      • #4
        Well, I don't think I was writing through my eyes.... HE was stronger and happier because he had money and status. I just loved the times we spent going out ...dancing...dinners. I truly enjoyed the energy and how I felt when I was with him. But after about 5-6 months I started to see his temper...and I started to run away-- and that's when he started traveling to visit me non-stop...and spending money he didn't have. He felt me pulling away....

        He did have decent income then...but now....no. He could again...but he just isn't focused and he is in a downward spiral. But I disagree about what attracted ME to him.... It was his status as well...but it was because he seemed so strong and secure...and had a passion for life.

        Comment


        • #5
          he tells me that he is a disaster, that his life is in a horrible place…that I should just move on.
          I agree with him.

          ... He sounds clinically depressed at the twilight of his life... Now, unless he gets help for his regret, guilt and depression, this is how the rest of your life is going to be together. Can you support him on your wage and his soon to be Old Age Security checks?

          I feel sorry for him that he was so desperate to impress you that he squandered away his life savings to do it. No wonder he's depressed and unmotivated.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

          Comment

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