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Boyfriend's ex-girlfriend is still best friends with *his* best friends.

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  • Boyfriend's ex-girlfriend is still best friends with *his* best friends.

    My boyfriend, Sam, and I have been dating almost 2 years. We're in our 30s, very much in love, live together and are committed to one another.

    His last serious relationship was 4 + years and his ex-girlfriend, Brinley, became very close with all of his friends - specifically 2 sets of married couples. The 6 of them did everything together and were all very close. Brinley moved away once they broke up but now she is back and she still sees all of his friends. They hang out often (for each others birthdays, drinks, etc). I've only met her once in a party situation and it was a very brief encounter.

    Sam describes her as being a little wild and she was very jealous in their relationship. He's given me a lot of credit for being a non-jealous type which I feel I *am* actually pretty open minded and 'cool' with stuff but the fact that his ex is still SO close with all of his friends drives me crazy. It makes my encounters with his friends now seem so hard. I feel like an outsider. I am sure his friends and her have talked about me behind my back.

    She has been a little rude on social media a couple of times (in an attempt to make me feel awkward or like an outsider).

    I am very upset by it all but I don't know what to do. My boyfriend can't do anything because he can't change the fact that she's still best friends with his best friends. But I can't stand the thought of all of them hanging out with her last weekend, and then me having to hang out with them this weekend. I constantly feel a competitive-ness and that I am being compared with her. It makes me feel very shutdown.

    My boyfriend knows I feel this way but I think he's about to start getting annoyed or frustrated that I am still so upset by it all. Not sure what to do.

    Any advice is welcome. Thank you!

  • #2
    How do you know that they're talking about you with her and making disparaging remarks? In what way do you feel you're being compared to her?

    There's not a thing that you or your boyfriend can do about whom she hangs out with. The only thing you can do is try to avoid having to go places where she will be present. Other than that, you need to unfriend her from your social media and be fantastic around your mutual friends so that they will be drawn to YOU. Be charming, clever, and confident. That's the best way to 'compete' if you feel you have to.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      Thank you for your quick response! When I have gone on vacation with everyone (the other couples) she'll comment on all of the photos (all of theirs, not mine) and 'like' everything to show her presence and to show SHE is friends with just makes me feel awkward like I've taken her place. She's also made a comment (I don't want to repeat it for privacy) that was somewhat aimed at me to make me feel like the 'new person' and not the 'original one'. We don't follow each other, which is good. I think you're right- there really is nothing I (or my boyfriend) can do. I try really hard with his friends but 2 are a little bit negative and 'difficult' - I know she is a more negative person as well and I think sometimes my positivity is seen as annoying or 'basic'. I guess I am just bummed generally that this is the situation. It also makes me not really want to hang out with his friends so I can avoid them and the general feeling. That isn't fair to him thought... But the good news is that my boyfriend is super supportive and allows me to voice my opinions, etc - i just don't want to frustrate him by feeling this way.


      • #4
        She's being a jealous little twit. Why should you care if she comments about your pictures? She is a nothing. She is irrelevant to your life and happiness. The best revenge here is to be utterly charming.
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


        • #5
          I agree with SarahLancaster on this. She "The other woman" doesn't know anything about you. So anything she's saying behind your back wouldn't be accurate. You need to do 2 things.
          1. Be charming, put your two cents into whatever is being talked about. Not in a disagreeing way but either supportive or neutral, (giving credence to both sides). Become your own person
          among his friends were they will start initiating conversations with you. That way you're not, "just his girlfriend".
          2. You two start going out to places and doing things where you can start making new friends. He doesn't have to give up his friends, just have other friends to meet up with. Just a thought.


          • #6
            Your perceptions are causing you to be unhappy when all you have to do is to mentally stop letting her have all the power. It's you that your boyfriend is with and if his friends are true friends then they are going to support you if/when the ex bad mouths you. (which you have no proof that she has been even) Take back your personal power from her and change your attitude. You are letting her ruin your zen.
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!


            • #7
              Your best friend is karma, honey. It seems silly to me that she's hanging onto his friends for comfort and good times and it reflects badly on her character. Someone with some class, would retreat peacefully and move on with her life without drawing attention and looking like a clown. I wouldn't bother competing with her because in the end, you'll look equally silly. She'll be her own demise. If your boyfriend starts to get irritated or frustrated with you, he also isn't the right person for you. I find it insensitive and quite immature that he can't see through her antics.

              Normally a grown man wouldn't even play to any of these minor issues. And grown men would most likely distance themselves from those kinds of childish behaviours even amongst his own friends. These are extremely petty in the long run. If you're both not meshing in terms of friends, values and beliefs, remember that it takes two to make a couple and you don't have to live any way you don't want to or with anyone who lacks better judgment.


              • #8
                I agree with the others! Just be yourself, be charming and happy. Everyone has a past and unfortunately sometimes it feels difficult to "replace" the ex in situations like this one. Obviously she's good friends with the other couples, but that doesn't mean you won't become close with them too.
                I also think it's important to focus on your life together with your boyfriend and maybe try to find a new group of friends that can be the new "original" one. I haven't been in your situation, but I had the same relationship with my ex's best friends and they told me that his new girlfriend can't compare to me and that they don't like spending time with her. I ended up stepping back, giving the new girl a chance to get to know my ex's life without me being present in the background (my ex and I are on good terms and want what's best for each other). Obviously I missed his friends but at the same time - that was his friends to begin with and when we ended things I knew I would probably have to stop seeing his friends too.
                Sounds to me like this Brinley girl might not be over your boyfriend completely? If she was, she wouldn't go to this length to make you feel excluded.