Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

HELP am I too whipped in my relationship?

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • HELP am I too whipped in my relationship?

    Dear forum gods.

    I have been together with my boyfriend for almost a year now, we have lived together for 6 months.

    He has always been very controlling and jealous because his ex cheated on him. We have had several smaller arguments about it and he's become better, but I'm still always on my guard and every time I go our to see a friend he jokes and asks me to send a photo of that friend (or even my mother) to prove that I'm not with some guy.

    Im a university student so I spend most days at home, studying, while he's at work. When he's not at work he's either asleep or he's on his PS4 playing games. I do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping. I don't mind, but I never get a simple "thanks". The times I've mentioned that maybe he could be a little bit more appreciative for the things I do, he tells me to stop being his mom and to stop telling him how to act. "I've never asked you to do all of these things, ok?" is a phrase I've heard many times. But if I don't pick up his dirty underwear from the floor and throw them in the washing machine - who will?

    These are minor problems through in terms of what I'm here to talk about. My boyfriend has serious anger issues. He can get so upset for the tiniest thing (IM SO FUCKING DOOOOONNNEEE WITH THIS FUCKING CAT HAIR ON THE FLOOR *punches wall*). He has never hurt me physically and he never would, but still. I have to be so careful every single time I open my mouth, because the tiniest thing will set him off and he might not talk to me for the rest of the day. We have started fighting almost daily and he gets so unreasonably upset every time. It's not even fighting really, it's him getting upset about something and me trying to calm him down - making him even more upset.

    But when it's good it's great, and most of the time things are ok between us. He's a great guy, very loyal, very caring. But his mood is killing me and I feel like he almost resents me from the way he's acting. The real problem is that we have a contract on this apartment that's binding for another 10 months, so even if I wanted to leave him I can't because we can't afford to split up since the rent is so high and it's only one bedroom so we can't have another person moving in.

    My question is: How can I try to fix this relationship? How do I cope with his temper? How can I stop acting like his "mom" without letting the flat go to ruin? How can I demand more of him without causing him to get even more upset?

    Sigh, please help.

  • #2
    "Most of the time things are great" just isn't enough. I don't think YOU can fix the relationship. Only professional help can do any good for him. Do you want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells, afraid to set him off? That's where you are headed. Look at the reality of the situation. You are doomed to picking up his underwear unless you start having some regard for your own mental health. Anger issues like these are not 'minor problems.' And they tend to get worse with time.

    You CAN'T demand more of him without causing upset. Get a grip here, Darling.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

    Comment


    • #3
      Im a university student so I spend most days at home, studying, while he's at work. When he's not at work he's either asleep or he's on his PS4 playing games. I do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping. I don't mind, but I never get a simple "thanks". The times I've mentioned that maybe he could be a little bit more appreciative for the things I do, he tells me to stop being his mom and to stop telling him how to act. "I've never asked you to do all of these things, ok?" is a phrase I've heard many times. But if I don't pick up his dirty underwear from the floor and throw them in the washing machine - who will?
      You are a complaining enabler who has made her own bed.

      You heard him... Stop being his mom. I'm sure she was the enabler that has allowed him to be the lazy, unappreciative, shiftless gaming addict that he's turned out to be.

      Set some boundaries with him and if he has no interest in adhering to them then leave him and find yourself a man. This boy you are worth aint changing.

      Learn from this and next time take more then six mere months to learn who someone really is before you move in with them.

      I'd be skipping out on that lease if it were me and letting him worry about making the rent.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

      Comment


      • #4
        It feels like you're open to making this work because of the 10 month contract. Re-read your words and go back and reflect on the thought process a little.

        If you really are vested in this you need to recognize what his triggers are when it comes to his temper and anger. No, his behaviour is not acceptable but you're also unusually irritable and you're not getting any gratitude for the amount of housework you put in because he feels that that's your job. His job is to pay the rent. Have you taken out a student loan or are you contributing to the apartment or are you depending solely on his income? His job is to earn money for you to live on. Have you ever expressed gratitude for the shelter he's providing over your head? Or taken an interest in saving in the electrical bill or groceries? You both sound very inexperienced in living, let alone juggling a relationship inbetween, working or school. Don't take your frustrations out on each other. That's the number one rule in a long term relationship.

        My suggestion to you is to maintain your happiness and find healthy ways to occupy yourself. Take healthy breaks away from your studies because the more you become frustrated with him and your home, the more you'll be distracted from your studies and lose focus, marks and the more you'll get angry with him in a toxic cycle. Break that and take healthy breaks. Find at least one hobby and stick with it, weekly. I have no idea where you are but most neighbourhoods have local parks that you can walk to unless you're bunked out in Antartica or you're shacked up in some hoody/shady area. Have a set time to yourself that is not home or study related. Leave his clothes on the floor and let go a little. Observe him and see when he picks up after himself. Don't micromanage him. Mind you, these are suggestions to preserve your relationship. If you feel that you have far too many insurmountable differences, you know what the responsible thing to do is.

        Comment


        • #5
          [QUOTE=Rose Mosse;n558352]

          I like your ideas of finding other ways of occupying myself more and "letting go" a bit. When it comes to income: We split everything 50/50 even though he makes twice than me. And yes, I have student loans, but I get student finance support every month which means I have enough money to pay half of the rent and half of our expenses. I'd even say I pay more than he does since I'm always the one buying necessities etc.

          I will try to let go more and get out of the house. I have somewhat forgotten that I'm allowed to live my life too, because when I do he will often find ways to guilt me for it.

          Comment


          • #6
            Don't pay any heed to his guilt-tripping for now. Gain that equilibrium in your life and nurse your mental state back to health. When you're in a clearer position a short time from now, you may or may not feel differently about the relationship. At this time the anger, frustration and stress with your home and schooling is not putting you in the right frame of mind. Just get there first and then come to terms with what you can or cannot work with.

            Comment


            • #7
              Keep in mind, you should ditch this loose cannon, explosive tinderbox loser. Since your bound with the 10-month apt contract, if you can, wait it out until the 10-month contract or lease expires and bail then. No guy is great as you say even if he's loyal and caring. No guy is loyal and caring when he has major anger management issues. Your boyfriend has serious mental disorders!!!!! You need to save your life and sanity because there's no telling what he's capable of doing when all hell breaks loose in your future with him. Since there is a financial issue at stake with the 10-month apt contract limiting your options, be patient even if you must walk on eggshells to do it. Unfortunately, you are oppressed until the 10-month mark expires. Or, if you can figure out a way to get out now, I hope you do. If you cannot, then unfortunately, you have to be the "little woman" and kowtow to his mood swings and temper flares. Try not to set him off. I know it will be hard but keep your goal in mind which is to call it quits once the 10-month apt contract expires. Let this harsh lesson remind you to never throw caution to the wind for your future relationships. Listen to your gut instinct and if there are any red flags about a guy, take heed and beware; don't engage nor get involved with shady characters. Avoid future disasters by making sure your radar is up at all times. If something doesn't add up about a guy's integrity and moral character, do not go forward because remember this: YOU CAN NEVER CHANGE A MAN. Trust me, I know because I grew up observing my poor mother learn this very harsh lesson for almost 20 years. A man is supposed to treat you with honor, tenderness and utmost respect because that is what you call love. Any other behavior is unacceptable.

              My answers:

              You can't fix this relationship. You cope with his temper knowing you're counting down the days and months to your goal which is to dissolve this relationship with your boyfriend. You cope by gritting your teeth, bearing it, enduring it and reminding yourself to be patient because you have no choice. You've made your bed and now must lie in it. Unfortunately, you're going to have to do the "mom thing" with picking up his underwear, chores, cooking, errands, etc. because you must temporarily accept the poor choices you've made to live with a jerk who is a lazy, mean, explosively angry slob. Don't complain, just do it because you know in your brain this stage in your life is only temporary. Don't demand more of him, stop that otherwise you're going to set him off into a rage as usual. Do your time. Pretend this is a prison sentence and once his 10-months are up, you can say you've fled permanently.
              Last edited by chanelle; February 28th, 2018, 11:29 PM.
              "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

              Comment


              • #8
                My question is: How can I try to fix this relationship? How do I cope with his temper? How can I stop acting like his "mom" without letting the flat go to ruin? How can I demand more of him without causing him to get even more upset?
                You're trying to make a dysfunctional relationship into a functional one when only one of you is doing anything to try and make it functional.

                Don't grasp at enabling dialogue that makes you the one that should be doing everything to make things better. You might think about listening to Channel and keep a low profile while you wait out your dysfunctional 10 months but "occupying" yourself with a hobby so you don't set him off while you stick around with him and continue you're enabling won't do a damn thing to fix this mess of a union you've locked yourself into.

                Takes two to fix a relationship and it takes two to nurture and value it. He does neither.

                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                Comment


                • #9
                  I agree it takes two. I also think it's a bit unrealistic to make demands and not re-evaluate one's behaviour either no matter how unhealthy the situation. I think that is actually the essence of the phrase, "It takes two." For example, I was involved with an alcoholic (thankfully not anymore), and I had to re-evaluate where I went wrong with my decisions and completely change my way of thinking. The OP did ask specifically how she could fix this relationship. Although I don't believe the onus is entirely on her, she can still acknowledge where she can make improvements and grow from this experience even if the relationship does end. I think she'll make that decision for herself in her own time.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I've been exactly where you are. Your bf sounds exactly like my ex. That's why he's my EX.
                    Trust me, guys like that never change. They get worse.

                    Find someone who can take over your lease for the next 10 months. If not, suck up the financial loss and move on. The money isn't worth living in that kind of situation.
                    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

                    Comment

                    Working...
                    X