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Is it worth Fighting For?

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  • Is it worth Fighting For?

    I've been in a long distance relationship with my "girlfriend" for the past 5+ years (we live 4 hours apart). Like every relationship we have had our good days and bad days but throughout it all we had some how managed to survive and grow together.

    Late last year my girlfriend's dad died suddenly and that's where some huge issues began. She got distant, shut down emotionally and even upset at little stuff which is understandable. I've tried to be there for her emotionally but she completely shut me out. Then she started saying stuff that really cut like a knife that the relationship is boring, that it has become predictable etc. Things totally out of her character. I told her 2-days ago that if its not fulfilling to your needs I don't want to force her to be with me and that started a huge argument and we stopped talking.

    Her birthday is this next Monday coming and so I basically decided I would show her how "predictable" I am. I reached out to her best friend and planned a secret surprise at a hotel for a overnight stay this coming weekend. The friend would bring my "girlfriend" to the location and I would surprise her and we would all spend a nice weekend together (me, girlfriend, her friend and the girls boyfriend). It's risky but I know it would have worked.

    Everything was going according to plan until last night I decided to again reach out to my girlfriend and talk, to "fix things". I was met with some curse words and told we're not together and that she's seeing someone else. I was so pissed I was ready to just cut things off and cancel the reservation. I ended up blowing the surprise and letting her know what I had planned with her friend. I told her I won't be coming and I'll just put the reservation in her friends name so they can still take advantage of it then I blocked her.

    She felt remorseful and texting how sorry she was and that her depression is the cause of her behaviour and if I wont be there she doesn't want to go etc. And said she made up the "I'm dating someone" because she was still very pissed and angry. I felt really messed up. Her mom ended up calling me and asking whats up and I had to tell her some of the stuff about how she has been behaving lately.

    On one end I feel like the cause of her behaviour is related to her dad's passing and I am trying to sympathize with that but on the other hand I'm wondering if this is going to be the new her. We've had big arguements before but probably not as big as this. I keep replaying some of her words in my head (there was other stuff) and it still cuts deep.

    What are your thoughts? Anyone been in a similar type of situation? Hoping for some advice.

  • #2
    I think you're both very immature. Why is her mother calling you and asking about your relationship? That seems very inappropriate.

    You've been carrying on this 'relationship' for over 5 years. Why are you still living 4 hours apart? At this point you should either shit or get off the pot.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      Thank you for the reply. I work in one town and she attends school in the other. Her mom and her is close and just wanted to follow up with whats been going on. They both seem to have been super depressed since the sudden death. But i guess you're right there's some level of immaturity on both our parts.
      Last edited by miker; February 28th, 2018, 09:09 AM.


      • #4
        Are you telling me that she has been in school for over 5 years? Are you talking about post-secondary or are you both still in high school?
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


        • #5
          High school (secondary) and now university. She has 1 year left in university and the plan was to move in together afterwards. I'm finished with university and now working. We meet when we're able to as much as we can.


          • #6
            Sarah is spot on with the immaturity.
            Adults don't say random shit just to hurt each other. They constructively work though their differences, and even when they argue they try to minimise the damage as much as possible.
            You two are not a team, taking on the world together. You are fighting against each other, making a life filled with challenges even harder. That's not the kind of relationship that survives in the long run.

            I think you should have a serious conversation with your "girlfriend" (why you keep using quotation marks is beyond me), and figure out if you're going to start working towards common goals together, or whether you're going to keep hurting each other. The latter option isn't even worth it if you ask me.


            • #7
              I would impale myself on a bloody stick if my mother had reached out to any of my partners. Thankfully the apple did not fall far from the tree. She's grieving right now. Her father died, for goodness sake. Things will never be the same in her life. If you've never dealt with the death of a parent or relative you are close to, pray you'll have half her presence of mind. You should try looking into stages of grief: anger is one of them, irritability and mood swings.

              I think the hotel booking/double date monstrosity was the worst possible idea anyone could come up with. Who on earth wants to double date on their birthday. I don't even want to double date. Ever. In my entire life. Is this also the first birthday without her father? If it is you just showed her not how predictable you are but how thoughtless and classless. What she needs right now more than ever is consistency and emotional stability.


              • #8
                The booking/double date thing is something she had always wanted to do and she loved the idea because it would help her get her mind free hence the reason why it was done. It is the first birthday without her father and before the booking she had been saying she wants us to do something like that to get her mind free it was just a tough time financially to get it in place. I managed to get the funding together last minute to do all that and thought to surprise her. So yeah......


                • #9
                  I think the hotel booking was a super thoughtful and sweet idea. Good job !

                  Although I think that perhaps your girlfriend is still making her way through her grieving process, I also think she's using it as a crutch to behave very unfairly. (assuming we're getting the whole story from you)

                  There's no question that immaturity is playing a large role in all this too, but if you're hoping for things to get better between you two, she's going to need to get some help from someone OTHER than her mommy.
                  The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.


                  • #10
                    Thanks for replying pistol. Yeah I have noticed she joined grief support groups to connect with others going through the same thing. So on one hand I understand where the new her is coming from and how the recent changes are impacting her significantly. I just wish it was a case where she realized I'm not the bad guy and I'm just trying to help her through this.

                    Immaturity exists on both our parts and it's something we need to address to go forward. Hopefully we both can have a serious talk and fix things.


                    • #11
                      My thoughts are she's a no go. No bueno. Time for you to dissolve this dysfunctional relationship with your girlfriend soon to be ex. She's too messed up. Be with a mentally stable woman.


                      • #12
                        I feel sorry for her loss and I understand it can change a persons behavior and in some ways even personality. However, it's taking a toll on your relationship and it seems like you guys need to figure out what you want and need from each other. My advice would be to take a short break from each other, then meet up in person and have a heart to heart discussion on where you see your relationship going. Does she still feel like she's committed to you and that she's willing to work on your problems? Do you still feel the same way towards her? Best of luck x