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How to talk to him about getting married - sooner rather than later

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  • How to talk to him about getting married - sooner rather than later

    Hi. I'm new here, because I desperately need advice.

    My boyfriend and I have been together a bit longer than 2.5 years.
    We moved in early, about 6 months in, and have been very happy. We have a dog together, want to buy a house together, have joint finances, etc etc. We have talked about marriage, but don't seem to be on the same page.
    I'd like to get married sometime within the next few years. The main reasons are that I love my boyfriend and want the legal benefits of marriage, but also that my surname has some bad memories of my father attached, and I can think of little better than changing it to the name of someone I love with all my heart, rather than carrying the name of someone I despise.

    My boyfriend, however, says that engagement and marriage would be distraction for me, and stop me pursuing my own study/career options. I have tried to convince him this is not the case, to no avail. His timeline is closer to 10-15 years, as I'm not in the right situation yet to study.

    Does anyone have any suggestions on better ways to talk to him about this? I love the idea of marrying in the next 5 or 6 years, but he doesn't seem to want to listen.

  • #2
    If HE'S not ready to settle down and marry you for the serious, legal commitment, then you cannot force him. If his intentions are not honorable and respectable to marry you for the long haul, then he's currently having his cake and eating it, too. If you don't like your maiden name, change it legally now. Don't wait until a man's surname can change it for you via a marriage license. He may be using your educational pursuits as an excuse to postpone proposing marriage to you and at least he's honest enough to inform you that he has no intentions to marry you until 10 - 15 years which is a very long time from now. At least you can bail before you waste your time with someone whose intentions are insincere within the near future. There's no telling what can change his mind between now and then. He could use you up for many years and then one day say, "Well, it's time to go our separate ways. Good luck." I don't know, if I were you and if you have marriage in mind, I wouldn't waste my time, energy and resources on a man who has no intentions of marrying you in the near future. For some guys, they think: "Why buy the cow when they can get the milk for free?"

    In some ways I agree with your boyfriend regarding your education and career ~ even without him in the picture. My grandma always told me, "Get an education first. Get a great job and have a career SO NO MAN CAN TELL YOU WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!" You'll have far more options and choices once you attain financial independence. Instead of your begging and wishing for marriage so desperately, it will be the other way around. Men will be clamoring for you as their permanent soulmate without your having to try so hard to walk down the aisle.

    Make yourself attractive by having more to offer as a strong contender as a wife, i.e. stable, high earning INCOME. And, if you're still in a relationship with your current boyfriend, he'll suddenly see you're more "marketable" and you'll have more to choose from in the men department. He'll suddenly realize, he'll have stiffer competition with other men vying for you. At that time, you can afford to become more picky and choosy and who knows? A better man could very well come along and check all the boxes and outrank your current boyfriend by far. Think about that! More doors will be open to you in the upwardly mobile set. Trust me, I've been there. I went from a desperate nobody to somebody with the pick of the litter due to focusing on my career first. After that, the world was my oyster. The question is: Do you want to wait around 10 - 15 years for your boyfriend to marry you and do you wish to risk his changing his mind between now and 10 - 15 years from now? I've heard a lot of sad stories of used women who wished their life away only for their boyfriend to show his true insincere colors in the end. Don't be one of them. Don't be naive. The worldly always take advantage of the naive and gullible. I've since learned some street smarts.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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    • #3
      And just like my grandma taught me about a woman concentrating on her education, job and career first, many women suddenly don't focus importance on marriage as much as when they were younger. Financially strong and independent women can now afford to become very picky and choosy when it comes to choosing a man for their relationship or potential husband. Success marries success. Winners marry winners. Losers marry losers. Your pool of men right now are not the cream of the crop. The cream of the crop rises to the top later after years of toil with education and career. Thing how fantastic life will be with two high incomes in one household. Or, if you decide to postpone marriage or not marry at all, you are perfectly capable of surviving financially on your own. Many strong women don't need a man to buy them anything. They can afford to buy whatever they want: a house, car, nice clothes, every surviving expense AND save every money every month.

      However, if you still want your prince charming to marry you someday, it's your decision whether or not you wish to waste your time on a boyfriend who isn't eager to marry you soon. If he's worth waiting for on a gamble, then wait 10 - 15 years at your own risk because either one of you could change your mind during that timeline. If not, then break it off and focus on your education and career because that is what will sustain you for the rest of your life. Everything else AFTER finances (education / job / career) will fall into place including more desirable men.
      "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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      • #4
        How old are you two?

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Pollon View Post
          How old are you two?
          I'm 24, he's 27.

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          • #6
            So you want to get married in 5 years. Then discuss it closer to the time when you have your education and career on track.
            You don't need a man to change your surname.
            Your reasons for getting married are flaky, his reasons for not are valid.

            You clearly have already spoken to him about it with no compromise.
            I suggest that you do not entwine your finances, do not buy a house etc until you are married.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
              So you want to get married in 5 years. Then discuss it closer to the time when you have your education and career on track.
              You don't need a man to change your surname.
              Your reasons for getting married are flaky, his reasons for not are valid.

              You clearly have already spoken to him about it with no compromise.
              I suggest that you do not entwine your finances, do not buy a house etc until you are married.
              ​So I can't study rigbt now, because we need two full time wages to pay our rent and bills. By the time my boyfriends job will let us move, and I can work part time and study, at least 2-3 will have passed, plus time to go to university will mean this is a LONG way away.
              Also changing your name is expensive and tricky, I'd like to only do that once.

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              • #8
                A bad marriage and divorce are expensive and tricky. Changing your name is not that expensive by comparison. People change their names all the time.

                What happens if you wait 10 - 15 years and by that time he tells you he had changed his mind or hell, you two have waited 10 - 15 years to get married, what's another 10 - 15 years to wait to get married? Or, after 10 - 15 years of waiting, he'll opt out and decide against marrying you after all because things are just fine the way it is minus the marriage license. Whenever a guy doesn't give you a direct, straight up "yes" or "no" answer or doesn't want the same hopes, dreams and goals within the same timeline as your vision, he is shady, tricky and deceitful not to mention dishonest. Why? Because instead of saying, "No, I don't want to marry you," he says this instead, "My timeline to marry you is closer to 10 - 15 years." What an asinine thing to say and I hope you didn't buy his bill of goods. If he doesn't have the same goals to marry you within 5 - 6 years as you wish, don't you think you're wasting your time on a guy who will not grant you what you desire and hope for? Instead, he's telling you 10 - 15 years so you'll hold out for him in the meantime? He might as well have said "never" if he gave you a 10 - 15 year timeline which is downright unrealistic. Never getting married to you is more realistic than telling you 10 - 15 years. Keep in mind, most couples never plan to marry that far in advance. His 10 - 15 year timeline is a joke. Never waste your youth on a guy who plays you for a fool by stringing you along.
                "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by GingerBear View Post

                  ​So I can't study rigbt now, because we need two full time wages to pay our rent and bills. By the time my boyfriends job will let us move, and I can work part time and study, at least 2-3 will have passed, plus time to go to university will mean this is a LONG way away.
                  Also changing your name is expensive and tricky, I'd like to only do that once.
                  Your priorities are somewhat skewed.
                  You move in with a guy prematurely which prevents you getting the education you want and all of a sudden you are playing house with someone who doesn't need to cut back on his work and spending as he does not plan to further his education.
                  If you split and moved out , all it would take is for him to get a lodger to replace you. His bills and rent are covered.

                  Where does that leave you?

                  You are relying on him and his work to help fund your education . Why is that?
                  What legal benefit of marriage is it that you seek? You mean financial?

                  Now im seeing your bfs point of view even more clearly.
                  You are talking years away from even starting third level education . At that stage you will be considered a "mature" student and when you do qualify will be competing with younger graduates for a break into a career. Do you know how hard that will be?

                  And you are asking a lot of him in my opinion.

                  Living together and owning a dog together are not commitments. I've been there done that and well after I was qualified and settled in my career, with no financial assistance required from him.

                  Why on earth do you expect him to fund you?
                  I assume it's financial security you are looking for and I'm assuming your bf also does.

                  He has agreed to marry you after 12-17 years of being with you? Has he put an engagement ring on your finger and set a date for 2033? Of course not, that's absurd. But not really anymore absurd than you expecting a ring on your finger and setting a date for 2024.

                  So, at this point there is no intent to marry. And for that reason alone you must figure out a way to fund your own education without relying on him.

                  What are your options??

                  Oh and changing your name might be tedious and expensive. Do it now and don't bother changing it whenever you get married. That way you only have to do it once.

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                  • #10
                    Hold your paddy wagons. Slow down and smell the roses. You've got a lot on your plate. What are you intending to study in university? You know that a lot of career colleges nowadays have far more relevant/hands on in-class training and internships than universities, right? If you're in Canada, many of them are also subsidized by our government and classes are cheaper. Why not take out a student loan also and go from there? Do you have any solid idea of where you're going with your degree? Studying doesn't usually just end there at the university or college level especially if you need to be licensed or go for further training. A degree is like preschool these days. Everyone's done it or got one.

                    I love animals but reconsider the dog. I think you're spreading yourself too thin and setting yourself up for failure. I don't know what you're studying but if you have time for a dog (unless it's a senior dog), even if you're a genius you'll be cutting corners on your readings and assignments. You have a very unrealistic view of a three or four year degree. I don't even want to get into your finances because I don't think there's anything there to discuss in the first place. Keep things simple and focus on one thing at a time. Ignore his 12-17 year ballpark. I think he's speaking out of anxiety because he worries for the both of you. Just see what comes. If you want to change your name so bad, go change it with the Dept of Vital Statistics. Some people don't like their nose or their hair and they still live with it without appearing like a brat or complaining that they want to go for surgery every fortnight. Learn to love yourself.

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                    • #11
                      He wants to marry you in 10 or 15 years? You'll be 34 or or 39. Does that mean you'll be having your babies while unwed as well? Surely you don't expect to wait until you're 39 before having your first?

                      I fear that you are more invested in this relationship then he is.
                      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by GingerBear View Post
                        ......My boyfriend, however, says that engagement and marriage would be distraction for me, and stop me pursuing my own study/career options. I have tried to convince him this is not the case, to no avail. His timeline is closer to 10-15 years, as I'm not in the right situation yet to study.

                        ...... I love the idea of marrying in the next 5 or 6 years, but he doesn't seem to want to listen.....
                        A 27 year-old man who tells you he is not interested in getting married until he is 37-42 is telling you he isn't interesting getting married to YOU or, possibly, ANYONE. The nonsense about it distracting you or delaying your studies is just his way of avoiding telling you the truth.

                        If you want to eventually get married, break up with this guy and start looking for a man who actually WANTS to get married.

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