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Jealousy is killing me our relationship.

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  • Jealousy is killing me our relationship.

    My wife has a serious problem. She can get jealous or insecure over anything and everything. She can turn ANYTHING into an argument. At this point we are already married and have been to 4 different counselors. She refuses to accept she has a problem. Today was the last straw and I walked out. I seriously dont know what to do. Ive been really interested in photography and was looking at good cameras this morning. Its just a hobby and something I enjoy. She gets irrational and starts asking why I want the camera and if I am going to take jobs shooting models or naked girls. This is a discussion we have had several times and I have explained over and over and over again that its just a hobby and I take pictures of our travels and I would never do anything like that. I specifically said I would not do that. Its not even my job. She just wouldnt stop and said thats what all photographers have to do and I tried having a civil disagreement with her but its impossible. I eventually had to say Im not talking about this anymore. She accused me of being upset and then started fighting about that. The insanity of all of this just mind blowing. I honestly dont know what to do. I dont know a way out. She wont listen to counselors and she doesnt seem to be able to have reasonable thought processes. Maybe I need to get a divorce but I hate the idea of that. Under no circumstances will she admit that it is wrong to do what she does. Im lost. What would you do?

  • #2
    Try persuading her to get a hobby. Have her do something with her life for example: Fitness, exercise diligently, hobbies of her own such as crafts, art, etc. Is she creative? Divorcing over your hobby isn't worth all the trouble. Also, suggest that aside from your photography hobby, perhaps both of you can do a hobby together, take an interesting class together, travel, sight see and whatnot. Or, join a club and get out more socially in-person. Isolation is unhealthy.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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    • #3
      Originally posted by chanelle View Post
      Try persuading her to get a hobby. Have her do something with her life for example: Fitness, exercise diligently, hobbies of her own such as crafts, art, etc. Is she creative? Divorcing over your hobby isn't worth all the trouble. Also, suggest that aside from your photography hobby, perhaps both of you can do a hobby together, take an interesting class together, travel, sight see and whatnot. Or, join a club and get out more socially in-person. Isolation is unhealthy.
      Its not that easy. Its not about the hobby. Its EVERYTHING. Going to work, working out, stopping to pick up food to go, answering a phone call, talking to my mom.... EVERYTHING triggers her jealousy and causes a fight. She wont get a hobby. She wont let me out of her sight unless its for work. She doesnt like the idea of me doing ANYTHING without her. Lord knows I tried. Ive spent thousands on counseling. She wont accept or take advice from me or a counselor. Its always my fault. Her feeling of jealousy is always something I HAVE DONE. She wont accept that this is not a normal level of jealousy. She thinks everyone is like that and I am wrong for telling her otherwise.

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      • #4
        And to clear up any confusion I may be asked... I have never cheated and never even came close to cheating. Never snuck around and did anything shady.

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        • #5
          She’s insecure for whatever reason(s). Has she been in past relationships that involved cheatng?

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          • #6
            This type of severe jealousy warrants some professional help. No amount of reassuring her is going to work here. Perhaps some cognitive behavior therapy with a professional?
            "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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            • #7
              Originally posted by jrharvey View Post

              Its not that easy. Its not about the hobby. Its EVERYTHING. Going to work, working out, stopping to pick up food to go, answering a phone call, talking to my mom.... EVERYTHING triggers her jealousy and causes a fight. She wont get a hobby. She wont let me out of her sight unless its for work. She doesnt like the idea of me doing ANYTHING without her. Lord knows I tried. Ive spent thousands on counseling. She wont accept or take advice from me or a counselor. Its always my fault. Her feeling of jealousy is always something I HAVE DONE. She wont accept that this is not a normal level of jealousy. She thinks everyone is like that and I am wrong for telling her otherwise.
              What made you fall in love with her in the first place? You were drawn to her for a reason. I'm sorry about her jealousy issues. I don't know why she gloms onto you so much. Does she have girlfriends whom she can hang out with every month? I'm married. I enjoy being with my husband such as accompanying him on local errands, weekend outings, we do chores together, enjoy cooking dinner together and planning surprise birthday parties for relatives. However, we don't share the same hobbies. He enjoys photography, too while I enjoy quilting, sewing, embossing greeting cards / stationary, athletics, love to workout (lost 35 pounds!), calligraphy, jewelry making, knitting, scrapbooking, etc. I get together with my girlfriends about twice a month for a few hours. Hopefully, you and your wife can find balance, too. I love being with my husband a lot but during other times, we have our own lives, too.
              "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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              • #8
                id love to have hobbies. Problem is if I want a hobby she thinks its an excuse to sleep around with girls. Its litterally next level insanity but no amount of telling her that will convince her. Even her therapist said she had an unhealthy level of jealousy and that she was driving me away. She called the therapist nuts and quit.

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                • #9
                  i fell in love with her because when she is nice she gives 250%. She is the absolute most giving person but she can flip 180 degrees and become the most disgusting and hateful person in 1 second. The worst part is she thinks its completely normal. For example.... She takes her phone into the bathroom EVERY TIME she uses the bathroom. However, if I do that she unapologetically flips out in a jealous rage and ask if I am chatting with girls or whatnot. She isnt even embarrassed by her jealousy. She is proud of it and refuses to accept its not normal,
                  Last edited by jrharvey; February 22nd, 2018, 01:05 PM.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by jrharvey View Post
                    i fell in love with her because when she is nice she gives 250%. She is the absolute most giving person but she can flip 180 degrees and become the most disgusting and hateful person in 1 second. The worst part is she thinks its completely normal. For example.... She takes her phone into the bathroom EVERY TIME she uses the bathroom. However, if I do that she unapologetically flips out in a jealous rage and ask if I am chatting with girls or whatnot. She isnt even embarrassed by her jealousy. She is proud of it and refuses to accept its not normal,
                    Has she been diagnosed by the therapist? Typically there’s at least a provisional diagnosis if there’s not any prior mental health history. It sounds like she has a depressive or mood disorder of some kind which there is treatment. The fact that she doesn’t believe her jealousy is an issue means that this has to b further evaluated. It doesn’t seem as though she’s going to allow that to happen though. Like I said in my first post, I’m wondering if she has some unresolved issues re: her past relationships that may have involved infidelity.

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                    • #11
                      I find it difficult to believe such strong comments haven't resulted in some misunderstandings between the both of you in the past or regarding your friends/other relationships. If she really is so irritated with you, surely you should know where her irritations stem from. You should know her life story by now. You may not be connecting on an intimate level and she's wondering why in an unhealthy way.

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                      • #12
                        Her father cheated many many times on her mother. Her ex cheated. I have sympathy for her. I have tried to work things out and talk to her and tell her I would never do those things. The problem is she gets emotional and angry and blows up when she has these feelings. No she won't see a counselor. I've already spent thousands and none of them have been with her long enough to say anything other than she has an unrational jealousy in our relationship. Possibly paranoid personality dissorder but nothing diagnosed. At what point is enough enough? I'm tired of being blamed for things that don't do. I'm tired of being interrogated every day and fighting every day over things that aren't happening. Usually our fights are just the two of us. This one really upset me because she started an argument right in the middle of dinner with her family. And all the family can say is "we need to love each other for the marriage to work". I'm just like... She literally thinks I want to be a porn photographer???? What can I possibly do to avoid this trap?

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                        • #13
                          I think another thing that blows my mind is her family just laughed about it. They litterally think it's hilarious that she is loosing her temper over me looking at cameras and her jumping to the conclusion that I must want to take porn pics. It's absurd. They just said... Don't worry she is just wanting to make sure our family is safe. What???? In what world does a camera cause that kinda reaction?

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                          • #14
                            Harvey, Darling...are you sure you're wanting to spend your life with this girl who is clearly unhinged? She gives 250%???? Are you kidding me. She's not even breaking even here. The highs aren't worth the lows. It's probably going to get worse, too.
                            "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                            • #15
                              If you want us to tell you it's okay to leave her, that you shouldn't feel guitly, here it is. It's okay to leave her.
                              You've looked at every option, and she seems unwilling to take responsability for her part in this.
                              You only live once, and it's a short life filled with challenges. It's okay not to want to be tied down to someone who makes your life harder tha it needs to be.
                              You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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