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I went through her watch and found her talking to a man...AGAIN would you forgive?

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  • I went through her watch and found her talking to a man...AGAIN would you forgive?

    My fiancé and I have been arguing a lot and I admit I have been angry a lot as of late. I hate life work wise and things have been tough between us.

    Early on when we were dating I went through her computer while she was at work and I caught her having a conversation with a guy. She didn’t say anything too sexy or anything, but said she missed seeing him etc.

    I immediately told her I was leaving her and she was very angry I went through her computer and then told me she started talking to him because she saw an outburst of my anger and was feeling insecure in the relationship. I called her a lot of things…and felt she was a cheater/whore but I moved past it.

    We had a couple of other issues and she blamed them all on me being too jealous. She was angry that I wouldn’t approve of her going to happy hours with girlfriends etc with out me So she was resentful of the fact that she said she had no friends.

    Well there’s been a lot … but over the last couple of months I noticed she had been distant. She was basically always with me and agreed to share her location with me….so i knew she wasn’t sleeping with anyone. But I told her I was unhappy with the way she was acting.

    She said she was quiet at times because of my anger. I lashed out a few times out of my own insecurity and told her that if she wanted a rich man or to be like her girlfriends she should go find herself a millionaire.

    She started to cry several times and told me that she wanted a wedding date, wanted commitment and wanted to know that I would marry her. I told her that my work life was very stressful and maybe next year.

    She also found texts a few months ago that I exchanged with my mother where I said I was very depressed and she told me basically to leave her. Telling me I need to foucs on myself.

    Last night our fight was bad because I told her that I couldn’t afford to keep paying for the dog that i bought her for her birthday. She doesn’t seem to like it and she is resentful of the dog. I pay far too much and she said that she can’t handle it and it needs training and I told her I can’t afford to get the damn dog training too.

    So last night — cold as ice again. Then she said she was angry that I told her during the argument “what am I doing with you?”

    today I came home from work and I found her watch on the counter. It keeps texts. I went through it and I found that she had been talking to some guy for 2 months. She never said anything about much…but his work and business…but she asked him what his 5 love languages are….and said she liked his!

    She also said maybe she would meet him “someday” … Of course I blew up and I cried. I told her that I felt she was having an affair. She swore she never even spoke to the guy but said it was just because she felt very insecure in the relationship and she was scared I would leave her again. She said she was wrong and that she loves me and wants to work…but that she wants me to be healthy and kind. I told her that I am who I am and THIS makes the relationship that much worse….

    I told her not to come home… and to get her stuff….go date that guy….

    She came home instead…and is waiting for me and said she wants to work things out. I told her I think there’s too much damage and I don’t know what to do.

    So would you trust her? She says I need to also look at my actions inthe relationship too and I told her THIS is ending the relationship because she's a cheater and has a problem...and SHE is to blame -- ALL her.

    She told the guy maybe they would meet next week. How is that ok? SHe asked his love languages and she sent him of a picture teaching a business class.

  • #2
    I get you're probably hurt and pissed off about her talking to another guy but holy hell you sound terrible to be in a relationship with. I don't know why you'd blame her for the dog situation when you bought her the dog. Isn't that a bit rude and unfair? If neither of you can afford a dog, why even introduce it into your lifestyle? It takes two to tango. If she asked for a dog, perhaps you should have been smart enough to know she can't afford the responsibility of owning one. Keeping a location/gps tracking device on her just enables your controlling behaviour over a situation you seem to be spiraling out of control with. Do you see yourself with her long term at all (marriage etc) or are you just emotionally manipulating her? ie punishing her for whatever bad she's done

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    • #3
      The dog situation was that she told me she wanted a smaller dog and I wanted a larger dog...and she is punishing me because she didn't get the one she wanted...imo. She's mad because he's gotten too big and he pulls her at times.. So I guess she just thinks she can put all the responsibility on me? I am resentful of that and it's obviously something that causes me anger. I told her that we would get married next year....but she's mad that we never got married LAST year. She says the problem is that I am not giving her a date and that makes her insecure...so that gives her permission to go talk to a guy?

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      • #4
        I would forgive meaning moving on but never forget. If there isn't any trust in the relationship, the relationship is dead.
        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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        • #5
          She says I need to also look at my actions in the relationship too
          ^^^ This. You sir are an abusive ass and I'm surprised she would stay with you. Why get HER the type of dog YOU want? What a self-absorbed thing to have done.

          Stressed at work or not, she's a cheater or not, you don't get to verbally abuse her like you have been doing. Either the two of you get yourselves into couples therapy or just end it now because neither of you know what love actually is. People who love one another don't treat each other like you two treat each other. If anything, you're both just too codependent to end the union and you have become accustomed to disrespecting one another to the nth degree. She's an idiot if she marries you.
          Last edited by phasesofthemoon; February 21st, 2018, 09:27 PM.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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          • #6
            She says she "loves me" and wants to work it out....but I told her that I can't trust her....she's a lying whore.....she asked if she needed to leave tonight and I told her it's her choice but I can't promise anything to her...because her lies and bullshit have only made it worse. She got pissed because we were in the store and she started crying and I told her I was going to go to my parents house...and leave her in the store because I think she's trying to frame me. She was mad because I told her I was recording her bulsshit.

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            • #7
              You are the abuser in this. You are to blame.
              And it all started with her chatting to a guy in the early dating stage when by the way it was perfectly acceptable to as it was EARLY!!!!
              You had no business going through her computer and had no reason to suspect her when you did. YOUR issue, not hers.

              And from that point you have driven her mad with your uncontrollable jealousy and anger.
              Im not at all surprised she would turn to another man .
              Putting a tracker on her ffs! She is not your property.

              You have removed her identity , depleted her of self respect .
              She is only with you still because of that.
              You tell her this is who you are and she has to put up with it , yet you expect her to be your dog on a leash.

              Hopefully she wakes up soon and leaves you.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by thisishowtdoit View Post
                She says she "loves me" and wants to work it out....but I told her that I can't trust her....she's a lying whore.....she asked if she needed to leave tonight and I told her it's her choice but I can't promise anything to her...because her lies and bullshit have only made it worse. She got pissed because we were in the store and she started crying and I told her I was going to go to my parents house...and leave her in the store because I think she's trying to frame me. She was mad because I told her I was recording her bulsshit.
                Okay...this is pretty bad. If you have any good in you left, I think you should let her go peacefully and tell her that you need to work on yourself. That anger is no good. It's already turned you into a monster. If you call someone a lying whore....it makes people wonder what kind of person you are. It doesn't make people believe that she really is that.

                Why are you going to your parents' house? Is that where you go when you both don't get along? Do you live together? Is it a mortgage or rent? What do you do for work? Are you upset about anything else going on in your life? Any addictions? You mentioned previously that you are facing serious health issues- blood pressure. Have you found any solution for this?
                Last edited by Rose Mosse; February 21st, 2018, 11:45 PM.

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                • #9
                  No addictions. I'm very upset about losing my job...and starting my own business and it's not working. She still has her own place 2 hours away...for her "work" and she's not paying half he rent because of that...

                  She says because she pays all my meals etc that's enough....bullshit. It's not enough ....

                  I go to my parents' house when we are about to separate...I told her I go there because I need ot be surrounded by people who love me and cherish me and don't lie to me....like her.

                  She thows in my face that her family doesn't like me and she has completely disowned them because she chose me...i told her GO! Go be with your family....they clearly want you away from me...go make yourself happy...clearly you are not...if you are cheating and throwing yourself at other men. Sorry I am mad.


                  Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post

                  Okay...this is pretty bad. If you have any good in you left, I think you should let her go peacefully and tell her that you need to work on yourself. That anger is no good. It's already turned you into a monster. If you call someone a lying whore....it makes people wonder what kind of person you are. It doesn't make people believe that she really is that.

                  Why are you going to your parents' house? Is that where you go when you both don't get along? Do you live together? Is it a mortgage or rent? What do you do for work? Are you upset about anything else going on in your life? Any addictions?

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                  • #10
                    Well you do sound pretty mad. She's smart for keeping her place as a back up but you shouldn't be getting angry with her for being levelheaded and wise. I think you would feel a lot better if you found a day time job (full time) right now to cover the bills and you may need to work 14-16 hour days after your day job to make sure your business keeps going. Do you know where you went wrong with your business or what you can do to change things so that there's a better outcome? Is there any salvaging it? On a scale of 1-10 how important would you rate your business and getting it back up and running? And on a scale of 1-10 how important is it for you to maintain a healthy relationship with this woman? Just curious.

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                    • #11
                      She pays her rent , you pay yours. On top of that she also pays for all of YOUR meals.
                      She is more out of pocket than you!!!
                      What is wrong with you?
                      Of course her family don't like you. Would you like a man treating your mother , sister , daughter the way you do?

                      Your family love you because you likely don't treat them the way you treat her.

                      She lies to you because she has to! Why would she tell the man abusing her for simply living the truth?

                      And why is her work in inverted commas?
                      You are a disrespectful idiot.

                      Let her go before you do more damage.
                      She deserves better.

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                      • #12
                        She doesn't pay 'all' of my meals...just majority but she likes to tout that as if she's 'helping me'. She's not.

                        Getting my business up and running is a big priority to me and I think I've been so focused on that ...that I missed the fact that she was having a texting affair with another guy.

                        She wrote me an email yesterday and said that she was sorry but she felt insecure in the relationship and blamed me --painted me as a monster. It was absolutely ridiculous. If she was so unhappy she should leave...not talk to another guy and ask him his love languages!

                        She has said repeatedly that she's sorry and she wants to make everything right, but I told her I have ZERO trust now and I am not going to get better...I'm going to get worse. I am angry and I am not going to be pleasant to be around...I'm so mad at her. She thought I was so bad before? I'm only going to be worse.

                        I told her that is who I am and that's not going to change..and I sure as hell am not eager to commit to her NOW. She was so insecure before? It's only going to be worse....




                        Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
                        She pays her rent , you pay yours. On top of that she also pays for all of YOUR meals.
                        She is more out of pocket than you!!!
                        What is wrong with you?
                        Of course her family don't like you. Would you like a man treating your mother , sister , daughter the way you do?

                        Your family love you because you likely don't treat them the way you treat her.

                        She lies to you because she has to! Why would she tell the man abusing her for simply living the truth?

                        And why is her work in inverted commas?
                        You are a disrespectful idiot.

                        Let her go before you do more damage.
                        She deserves better.

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                        • #13
                          You’re beyond angry. I totally get it, but that’s bc I’m a guy and have been there, done that. Your choice of words can come across as verbally abusive though. Yet at the same time who doesn’t react angrily in the heat of passion? If the roles were reversed she would call you unpleasant names/things too. One of my exes actually punched me in the nose and another pulled a knife on me. I’m not shitting you and it’s bc I was talking to another woman. U need to b very cautious right now bc ur infuriated and it can only get worse. Please talk to a therapist to help u through this and offer to go w/ her later if she’s willing, etc. I wish u the best!

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by thisishowtdoit View Post
                            She doesn't pay 'all' of my meals...just majority but she likes to tout that as if she's 'helping me'. She's not.

                            Getting my business up and running is a big priority to me and I think I've been so focused on that ...that I missed the fact that she was having a texting affair with another guy.

                            She wrote me an email yesterday and said that she was sorry but she felt insecure in the relationship and blamed me --painted me as a monster. It was absolutely ridiculous. If she was so unhappy she should leave...not talk to another guy and ask him his love languages!

                            She has said repeatedly that she's sorry and she wants to make everything right, but I told her I have ZERO trust now and I am not going to get better...I'm going to get worse. I am angry and I am not going to be pleasant to be around...I'm so mad at her. She thought I was so bad before? I'm only going to be worse.

                            I told her that is who I am and that's not going to change..and I sure as hell am not eager to commit to her NOW. She was so insecure before? It's only going to be worse....





                            Oh!!!! My bad! She pays for the majority of your meals not all. If that is not helping you then stop accepting the meals and pay for your own. Stop your whinging.

                            You are a classic abuser. You tell her this is how I am and nothing will change. That is hardly attractive?!
                            Her painting you as a monster is correct. You are.
                            She ONLY wants to make things work because she is s victim of abuse and the abusee will always try to feel better before the wake up call.

                            She only talks to others others because they temporarily make her feel good. The reality is you make her feel like shite. And you want that. Where is the love and respect?

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                            • #15
                              She doesn't actually want to marry you.
                              You realise that don't you?
                              Because you have single handedly stripped her of her self eaten she is looking for clarification only.
                              Please please leave her alone and get help for yourself.
                              She will be fine when she meets another. You will continue to abuse others until you get help . It's too late for you and her. But you need to sort yourself out before getting involved with another.

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