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  • Boyfriend is competing with me?

    Hello, first time poster here!

    My mom has recently told me that my boyfriend was discussing with her about a new job he's getting and how he'll apparently be making more money than I do at work and will be receiving more benefits. It kind of sounds like he's competing with me a little? I know things can get lost in translation so I'm not opposed to confronting him so he can give his side of what he meant but ever since my mom told me about it it really rubs me the wrong way. It's an awful thought if my boyfriend is deliberately portraying me as being unsuccessful or less than.

    Has anyone else had a significant other say something like this and how did you feel/handle it?

  • #2
    If I were you I'd consider the discomfort misplaced. It seems like you, your mother and your boyfriend don't have healthy boundaries set up in your relationship and his one on one talk sessions with your mother are getting too personal. Those kinds of conversations are best left in private within a relationship and without the family fishbowl effect. Neither of them has any business speaking about how much money you make without your consent or without you present; that's pretty basic for respect. While she may have given birth to you, fed you, clothed you and been your first idea of any kind of love in this world, that umbilical cord needs to be cut. Re-evaluate your feelings of discomfort. How would you feel if your mother was out of the picture and he had chatted with you instead frankly, openly and with candor?

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    • #3
      Have a lengthy discussion with your boyfriend and let him know how you feel. He should explain himself to you. Also, ask him not to be so chummy with your mother!
      "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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      • #4
        Oh please!!! Are you such a little snowflake that you would take offense that he told your mother his job would have more money and benefits than your job? Maybe he felt insecure about his old job and he's very proud of the fact that now he's making more money.

        The very fact that you would turn to a forum rather than talk to HIM about it tells me that your relationship is sorely lacking in communication. You see it as a competition. He sees it as moving up in the world in your eyes. Get over it, sweetie and congratulate the hell out of him. Now he'll be able to pay for more dinners.
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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        • #5
          Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
          Oh please!!! Are you such a little snowflake that you would take offense that he told your mother his job would have more money and benefits than your job? Maybe he felt insecure about his old job and he's very proud of the fact that now he's making more money.

          The very fact that you would turn to a forum rather than talk to HIM about it tells me that your relationship is sorely lacking in communication. You see it as a competition. He sees it as moving up in the world in your eyes. Get over it, sweetie and congratulate the hell out of him. Now he'll be able to pay for more dinners.
          He actually hasn't had a job before, this will be his first. But thank you for the feedback.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
            If I were you I'd consider the discomfort misplaced. It seems like you, your mother and your boyfriend don't have healthy boundaries set up in your relationship and his one on one talk sessions with your mother are getting too personal. Those kinds of conversations are best left in private within a relationship and without the family fishbowl effect. Neither of them has any business speaking about how much money you make without your consent or without you present; that's pretty basic for respect. While she may have given birth to you, fed you, clothed you and been your first idea of any kind of love in this world, that umbilical cord needs to be cut. Re-evaluate your feelings of discomfort. How would you feel if your mother was out of the picture and he had chatted with you instead frankly, openly and with candor?
            I think if my boyfriend had come to me saying the same thing, I would still feel the same way. I don't see the point in mentioning that he'll be making more money than me other than for egotistical reasons.

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            • #7
              If that's true, then I think you need to examine why you're so sensitive about what you make and why your self-worth is tied so deeply to how much money you make. Playing the he said, she said game just clouds the original words. If you are also so concerned about his character, I think you need a more concrete and mature way to assess what he's really like. You should be speaking with each other and coming together discussing major matters like job stability and career transitions.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                If that's true, then I think you need to examine why you're so sensitive about what you make and why your self-worth is tied so deeply to how much money you make. Playing the he said, she said game just clouds the original words. If you are also so concerned about his character, I think you need a more concrete and mature way to assess what he's really like. You should be speaking with each other and coming together discussing major matters like job stability and career transitions.
                My issue lies in the fact that he felt the need to make it a comparison between us and that he, by mentioning he'll making more money than me, is essentially an attempt at painting me as "less than" in this relationship. I'm failing to understand 1) what was the point of bringing up my salary and 2) how that's at all respectful. I understand he's proud of himself for landing this job and I'm proud of him too, but there's a difference between expressing excitement in one's accomplishments and bringing up a comparison between yourself and your significant other.

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                • #9
                  Sam, why exactly do you feel that he was trying to paint you as 'less than' in your relationship? Have there been other times when he has attempted to one-up you?
                  "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                  • #10
                    I did mention that neither your mother or your significant other have any business talking about how much money you make without you present or without your knowledge. The danger in going hard at it and getting over-emotional about what your mother said he said is that it's hearsay. Don't get worked up about it. Talk about it with him in a non-accusatory way and mention that while your mother did mention that to you earlier, it may be taken out of context. See what he says.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by samantha06 View Post

                      I think if my boyfriend had come to me saying the same thing, I would still feel the same way. I don't see the point in mentioning that he'll be making more money than me other than for egotistical reasons.
                      He's a man for goodness sakes and it's drilled into them from an early age that they should be able to provide for his family so he's not doing anything wrong and is subconsciously just letting your parental unit know that if you manage to stay together as life partners and you were to fall pregnant then he will be able to manage financially and do well by you. You're being a ninny, just chillax and don't make this an issue. I'd not even bring it up to him in fact because its trivial.

                      I think its YOU that is in "compete" mode and you're feeling "less then" because he will be making more then you. Try looking at the bigger picture and ignore any bullshit about him speaking to your mother about such things. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the conversation they had. I would really like to know how your mother took that news and how she relayed to you because she seems to have framed it so that you got a bee in your bonnet.
                      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post

                        There is absolutely nothing wrong with the conversation they had.
                        ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ My feelings exactly
                        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                        • #13
                          If you can't discuss your salary with your mother and your significant other, who CAN you discuss it with? The doorman?
                          "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                          • #14
                            Uhh...read the text carefully. Like I said, they have no business speaking about your salary without you present or without your consent. Talking about someone's salary behind their back is silly in the first place. What does a boyfriend and his girlfriend's mother have any business discussing your financial matters. I think there's a higher likelihood that your boyfriend's words were taken out of context (as it seems so prone to happen with many people). Why is your mother so involved in your relationship and with your boyfriend in the first place? It's not like you're married, for Christ's sake.

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                            • #15
                              There is nothing wrong with the conversation he had with her mother. Perhaps your culture is influencing your contention about such a thing?

                              If Op and his girlfriend are a solid couple then her mother is practically his family or will be if they marry. Right now we don't know how her mother related the conversation. If anything her mother had no business repeating a conversation he had with her particularly if she knew that her daughter was going to have such a stick up her ass about it.

                              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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