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  • Fiancee and another guy

    Hello
    I've been with my now fiancee for 4 years. We have been long distance for a while. We got engaged 6 months ago.

    So me and her have had our ups and downs but now we are really good. She met a guy around 1 year after we met, and they have slowly moved onto being best friends. (Online friend) Now i've always been jealous of this, and I'm really not sure how to handle my jealousy.

    So recently I feel like they've gotten really close. They send selfies together (he asks her, and then she actually asks him. She rarely asks me for photos which sucks), have really good fun together. It may be my insecurity, but I feel like they have a lot more fun than me and her.

    I've talked to her in the past, but I haven't really been able to talk to her in a good conversation, because she tends to get annoyed at me being jealous. She knows I get annoyed a lot. All she wants is for us to get along.

    In a way I feel like she is oblivious in her role as my fiancee. There are times when we talk on voice chat for a couple hours a day (or sometimes most of the day), then there are days where she talks to him for a few hours. For the last week, she has talked to him on voice chat every single day for a few hours. Sometimes i've been in the group call, and all I hear is him making her laugh. (My insecurity stepping in again. and getting jealous). There are times where I feel like they talk on messenger from when she wakes up to when she sleeps. She does the same to me, which is good, but I'm her fiancee. Surely they don't need to be speaking every hour of the day? I just feel like they are so close for my comfort.

    Now to the worse thing. I know that he likes her in that way. She knows that, and she has been honest to me about it. I know she loves me, she loves how I am, and she is attracted to me. I have a huge insecurity, that one day she will be bored of me, and he will be there on the side, to pick her up. I feel like one day she might grow feelings for him. But this might also be my insecurity. As you can tell I have a lot of insecurity with this. But the thing is, I do trust her 100%. I don't want to leave her. I don't want anything bad to happen to us. I don't want to ruin their friendship. (Even though I'd rather them not talk every single day, or not be as close as they are)..

    I just don't know how I can fix things. I just feel like she is oblivious in her role. But if I try to tell her, I don't want to annoy her.

  • #2
    Clear something up for me. And then I'll offer my opinion.

    How did you meet her? Why have you been 'long distance for a while'? How often do you see her in person? How old are you both?
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
      Clear something up for me. And then I'll offer my opinion.

      How did you meet her? Why have you been 'long distance for a while'? How often do you see her in person? How old are you both?
      We met in person, but we've had to live away. We visit each other every couple of weeks, and we sometimes stay months together before we are apart again. We're both 22. We actually plan on moving into a house together next month.

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      • #4
        Well, if you are truly engaged (did you get her a ring??) and she is carrying on lengthy conversations with another guy, you have reason to be unhappy. I almost never buy that 'man and woman best friend' thing. There is usually some undercurrent of romantic feelings lurking. It doesn't matter much that you trust her 100%. She is putting herself in the way of temptation by openly allowing this man intimacy in her life when she has a serious boyfriend, especially when she and you both know that his feelings for her go beyond friendship.

        You have the right to ask her to abandon constant and questionable contact with other men if you are engaged. If she gets annoyed or puts up resistance, you also have the right to end the relationship. You're going to have to decide.
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
          Well, if you are truly engaged (did you get her a ring??) and she is carrying on lengthy conversations with another guy, you have reason to be unhappy. I almost never buy that 'man and woman best friend' thing. There is usually some undercurrent of romantic feelings lurking. It doesn't matter much that you trust her 100%. She is putting herself in the way of temptation by openly allowing this man intimacy in her life when she has a serious boyfriend, especially when she and you both know that his feelings for her go beyond friendship.

          You have the right to ask her to abandon constant and questionable contact with other men if you are engaged. If she gets annoyed or puts up resistance, you also have the right to end the relationship. You're going to have to decide.
          Thank you for your opinion. I don't want this relationship to end at all. Yes we are truly engaged. I took her out for a nice lunch and dinner, and proposed to her. This relationship is as real as real can get. (Even though currently its in a long distance phase).

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          • #6
            If its a "real as it can get" then you should feel just fine in asking her to stop her interaction with him which is akin to her having an emotional affair with him. You might want to tell her that she is being inconsiderate and cruel to be carrying on with him like she has been when he has romantic feelings for her. She is leading him on and keeping him from finding a girl he can become romantic with as long as his crush on her continues. What is she expecting to happen when you two live together? Is she going to ignore you for hours on end while she fuels this guys crush on her wile disrespecting you and your relationship?

            How did they start this chatting and him ending up having feelings for her?
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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            • #7
              Her priorities are messed up. Her 100% loyalty, devotion and heart should focus on you and no one else. I would seriously reconsider walking down the aisle with her. Don't set yourself up for disaster. Always listen to your instincts. It is there for a reason.
              "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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              • #8
                Preposterous. As in WTF preposterous. You're right. She isn't taking you seriously but I doubt her cavalier attitude just sprung up into thin air like a magical spring tulip. You may have been blind to her true character due to the distance and you were willing to shove it under the rug or bag your emotions over time but you did nothing earlier...perhaps caved to her attitude but you didn't hold your ground or you wouldn't be still engaged to a half-brain. If you want to lay the blame on her now, go for it. But you have yourself to blame for not shooting straight from the hip the second you sensed something off - the fact that she was confiding and speaking to another man, period, and escalating the issue to the point of dealbreaker.

                I would not move in with this person at all. The fact that you're moving in together in just one month and it's not resolved is big. She's behaving in a way where she thinks she's set for life with you as her fiance. If you don't like it, do something about it.
                Last edited by Rose Mosse; February 18th, 2018, 09:56 PM.

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                • #9
                  Whenever she's with me, she rarely talks to him. I'm just curious if she moves in, and I keep her very busy and entertained, that she won't talk to him as much. I feel like I'd be best to confront her in person, so she knows im serious. and she can talk to me without leaving. But obviously that will be when we move in.

                  I guess if she doesn't like it here, I'll pay for her travels to go home, just to be sorry about everything not working out (I know that I shouldn't. But I should be telling her now, not later. So yeah)

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    The biggest red flag I see here is the fact that she knows this guy has feelings for her, and she's continuing their *friendship*! That's ridiculous. If she was a halfway decent person, she wouldn't feed this guy's feelings for her. She should make it easier for him to get over her, by cutting all contact. The fact that she chooses not to, means she' just loves the attention and the ego boost he provides. She's using him, and it's despicable.
                    So she's stringing this guy along like some sort of back-up. When you're not around to feed her the attention she craves, she turns to him. And indeed, when you're not offering her whatever she whimsically desires next, she will turn to her. At the first crack in your relationship, the first big argument, the first signs of boredom, she'll be running towards him.

                    It's perfectly fair to ask your fiancee not to entertain a friendship with a man who has feelings for her. If she refuses, I suggest you seriously reconsider the future you have planned with her. In the long run, you'll be better off without her.
                    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Jakey0223 View Post
                      Whenever she's with me, she rarely talks to him. I'm just curious if she moves in, and I keep her very busy and entertained, that she won't talk to him as much. I feel like I'd be best to confront her in person, so she knows im serious. and she can talk to me without leaving. But obviously that will be when we move in.

                      I guess if she doesn't like it here, I'll pay for her travels to go home, just to be sorry about everything not working out (I know that I shouldn't. But I should be telling her now, not later. So yeah)
                      You made the same mistake I did when I was 21. I moved in with someone hoping that it would solve our problems and bring us closer. Wrong. People shouldn't get pets, have children or move in together (not listed in order of any importance) if things are not going tremendously well. These additions do not solve problems in the relationship. They'll just exacerbate and increase frustrations exponentially. If it's so easy for you to box her back up with a return label, good for you. I don't know where you are getting these women from or where you're meeting them but someone who is that easily expendable or easy to get rid of seems a bit suspicious. Let this run its course. If you find yourself looking for love again, I'd up the standards a bit and search elsewhere for someone local (within one hour by car) so that you can spend at least every Friday night and weekends together without any hassle or hesitation depending on your work schedule. Use a dating service or website if you like but filter like nobody's business. Good luck.

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                      • #12
                        She is having her cake and eating it to isnít she! In some cases if not most, the emotional affair is equal or worse to the physical affair as it could have lasting ripples. All of the advice above, to me seems right on point. I would pause the relationship until I had clear proof that she had set the other emotional relationship down and has become focused on you only. My opinion based upon what it sounds like you want! Good luck!

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Dfull View Post
                          She is having her cake and eating it to isnít she! In some cases if not most, the emotional affair is equal or worse to the physical affair as it could have lasting ripples. All of the advice above, to me seems right on point. I would pause the relationship until I had clear proof that she had set the other emotional relationship down and has become focused on you only. My opinion based upon what it sounds like you want! Good luck!
                          Emotional affairs are real. Trust me as I know by experience. Sheís definitely having one and if she's serious about ur relationship sheíll cut it off w/ him. Heís most likeky developed feelings too so donít b surprised if he still tries to pursue her. Itís unfortunate, but not impossible to work out. Being that ur engaged and contemplating marr. it may not b a bad idea to get some pre-marital couns. That is if sheís up for it. Good luck!

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Jakey0223 View Post
                            Whenever she's with me, she rarely talks to him. I'm just curious if she moves in, and I keep her very busy and entertained, that she won't talk to him as much. I feel like I'd be best to confront her in person, so she knows im serious. and she can talk to me without leaving. But obviously that will be when we move in.

                            I guess if she doesn't like it here, I'll pay for her travels to go home, just to be sorry about everything not working out (I know that I shouldn't. But I should be telling her now, not later. So yeah)
                            What???? You are only going to talk to her once she moves in with you???
                            I bet she only stays a week before moving out again.

                            Dude you CANNOT move in together until she actually figures out what she wants.
                            You are entitled to request her to stop her 3 year long affair.
                            I bet she tells him about every single argument you have etc and of course he is there for her. He knows she's not fully invested in you , she clearly is attention seeking and will seek it anywhere if not from him , then another.

                            She is hardly stupid enough to not realise that what she is doing is wrong , but by somewhat loosely letting you in the loop , you are allowing her behaviour. And she has no respect for you.

                            Her emotional affairs will become physical ones eventually.
                            You are being a doormat.

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