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Our love language is completely different. I miss physical intimacy.

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  • #16
    but A) she would see no reason for it because she doesn't see the importance,
    Then isn't it your job to explain to her YOUR feelings on the subject and how important it is to you? If she "B's" you then carry on explaining your feelings and how her doing that makes you feel as well. Use your *I* words and refrain from using *you* words that will put her on the defensive.

    *Too bad poster *Pollon* didn't come into your thread with some of his great dialogues. He's proficient in matters like this.

    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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    • #17
      Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
      Then isn't it your job to explain to her YOUR feelings on the subject and how important it is to you? If she "B's" you then carry on explaining your feelings and how her doing that makes you feel as well. Use your *I* words and refrain from using *you* words that will put her on the defensive.

      *Too bad poster *Pollon* didn't come into your thread with some of his great dialogues. He's proficient in matters like this.
      Yes, it's my job, but I'm afraid of making things worse. I realize having thought about it extensively for the past week or so that it must be done. I really appreciate all the kind words of encouragement. I think I neglected making this decision before because I did feel a bit pathetic and needy which is how I'm afraid I'll come across. I feel from your responses that I might not be the problem, that I am justified in my frustration where before I was confused. Thank-you all for your kind support.

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      • #18
        I don't know if it is better to continue (necro) on this thread or to create a new one, but you ladies have had some really great and valuable insight in the past so, I'd like to continue our previous conversation if I may. Just a quick update, I'm a coward and haven't really properly addressed the issue. I have tried a couple of times but it comes across to her as if I'm attacking - being negative, and that starts horribleness. I know she feels like we're fine, we still have our once a month 15 min lession, which she feels is adequate (sex).

        OK so - new part of the question, I had a massage today... er, massage clinic, therapeutic not... anyway, my arm was sore so she worked on it, and while she did she held my hand - professionally obviously, but the gesture made me so emotional, like, I'm embarrassed to say but I came very close to tears, pretty ridiculous I know. My wife and I hold hands occasionally, but I don't know whats different, like, we hold hands to walk to the same place together ... feels... whats the word, practical not organic. I don't know, I'm pretty confused. I feel like if I bring this up my wife will be negative about me going to the massage therapist. I've read about touch therapy, where basically the massage therapist or touch therapist focuses on contact rather than muscles etc. Seems like a weird solution to my problem, but I'm out of solutions and grasping at straws here... Thoughts please and thank-you?

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        • #19
          What I'm reading is that you have a wife you're afraid of. She has a man she doesn't respect because he isn't her equal. You mentioned a good relationship otherwise. It's good because you don't challenge her. Were you a pushover when you two were dating? She probably wants a man she can't walk all over. Let her know how you feel. She might get upset and be very aggressive but she will know in no uncertain terms exactly how you feel if you don't back down. Just be sure you are telling her how you feel, not what she is doing to you or feeling. You can be as upset as you want to be and as long as you are telling her how YOU feel she will listen even though it might not seem like it at the time. People usually treat you how you allow them to. Define your boundaries. And I'm not saying don't cry if you feel like crying. Crying and strength are not mutually exclusive. Right now you are being weak. And she knows it and she is using it. This will creep to other parts of the relationship if you don't address it.

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          • #20
            Thanks for replying GS300, you have a valid point, but it's not quite so black and white as that. I do challenge her on some things, things she doesn't necessarily feel very strongly about. When it is something personal about her however, no amount of fighting helps. If she feels at all threatened she fights, very hard. Also she is extremely intelligent so she knows right away if I try to come at a problem sideways. You are correct in that I do need to challenge her more, I just don't know how as she gets her back up pretty quick. Funny you ask about dating, no I was less of a push-over. In fact, I was ... a bit of a jerk honestly. I had a very bad experience several months before, so I was a bit indifferent to my wife, ok, not a jerk, not mean at all, just indifferent. She would insist on her way and if I felt strongly I'd just say, ok, have fun with that and go home. She loved it. She career dated real jerks her whole life, I guess although they were really horrible people, she did like the challenge. She is insanely challenge oriented - marathons etc.

            Thanks, that gives me something to think about Appreciate your thoughts.

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            • #21
              Originally posted by ImOnAQuest View Post
              OK so - new part of the question, I had a massage today... er, massage clinic, therapeutic not... anyway, my arm was sore so she worked on it, and while she did she held my hand - professionally obviously, but the gesture made me so emotional, like, I'm embarrassed to say but I came very close to tears, pretty ridiculous I know. My wife and I hold hands occasionally, but I don't know whats different, like, we hold hands to walk to the same place together ... feels... whats the word, practical not organic. I don't know, I'm pretty confused. I feel like if I bring this up my wife will be negative about me going to the massage therapist. I've read about touch therapy, where basically the massage therapist or touch therapist focuses on contact rather than muscles etc. Seems like a weird solution to my problem, but I'm out of solutions and grasping at straws here... Thoughts please and thank-you?
              Sure, why not. Why not initiate and touch your wife in more meaningful ways also? She may be wondering why you're not making much of an effort. The way you speak of your 15 minute lovemaking makes me wonder if you've desensitized towards your wife because your language is very cold.

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              • #22
                Hello Rose! Thanks for the comment, but I think you might misunderstand my situation, or you didn't perhaps read the rest of the thread. I really like physical touch etc - hugging to intimacy, everything in between. My wife's love language is very different, she very much doesn't like physical contact, or at least minimal contact. You hug quickly then back away. It's not just me its our kids as well, she just doesn't equate touch with love etc. My love language isn't cold at all, and I wouldn't say hers is either. She really enjoys acts of kindness, thoughtful gestures, chores around the house, that kind of thing. I try to do my best, though admittedly I'm naturally a horrible cleaner. I'm great at making supper and putting kids to bed, getting them ready for school, errands... you know. We do what we can! Thanks for commenting anyway

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by ImOnAQuest View Post
                  Hello Rose! Thanks for the comment, but I think you might misunderstand my situation, or you didn't perhaps read the rest of the thread. I really like physical touch etc - hugging to intimacy, everything in between. My wife's love language is very different, she very much doesn't like physical contact, or at least minimal contact. You hug quickly then back away. It's not just me its our kids as well, she just doesn't equate touch with love etc. My love language isn't cold at all, and I wouldn't say hers is either. She really enjoys acts of kindness, thoughtful gestures, chores around the house, that kind of thing. I try to do my best, though admittedly I'm naturally a horrible cleaner. I'm great at making supper and putting kids to bed, getting them ready for school, errands... you know. We do what we can! Thanks for commenting anyway
                  To be honest with you I don't know what you're upset about in your marriage. Be patient with her as she is being patient with you. You both seem to have a good understanding of each other. I think you're looking for problems when there aren't any. I'd be careful if I were you - she may just get fed up of the constant drama one day.

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                  • #24
                    Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post

                    To be honest with you I don't know what you're upset about in your marriage. Be patient with her as she is being patient with you. You both seem to have a good understanding of each other. I think you're looking for problems when there aren't any. I'd be careful if I were you - she may just get fed up of the constant drama one day.
                    I'm a little confused, I think it's possible you're projecting your own frustrations/experience here. I'm asking for help to cope with my particular situation. Your comments seem somewhat off-topic, and a bit aggressive.

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                    • #25
                      Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post

                      To be honest with you I don't know what you're upset about in your marriage. Be patient with her as she is being patient with you. You both seem to have a good understanding of each other. I think you're looking for problems when there aren't any. I'd be careful if I were you - she may just get fed up of the constant drama one day.
                      Just an observation, when trying to be helpful, I don't think it's ever helpful to tell someone they don't have a problem. I realize mine might not be as big as some others, but a marriage without physical intimacy isn't exactly a small thing, and it's just one of the things I'm trying to cope with. It's hurtful to hear you don't have a problem and you should just get over it. I struggle with this issue everyday, and I am having a hard time seeing my way forward. Invalidation of someone's problems is reckless and honestly a bit mean. If you don't think someone's problems are worthy of your time, maybe just leave without commenting.

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                      • #26
                        Sex is important in a relationship. Being on different wave lengths sexwise is challenging. It's something that can be overcome, but only if both people are willing to listen and work at it. I think I understand your situation and your frustration and concern. You don't feel like you receive love the way you need it. Every couple is different, but in my opinion sex once a week to two weeks doesn't seem like much to expect. Not like your asking for it daily. So, I don't think you are being dramatic- every 6 weeks is a long time, especially for someone who desires physical touch. But as you said, your problem isn't just the sex per se, it's the lack of overall intimacy. The small gestures that make you feel loved (flirty touching, intimate hugs, snuggling, romantic eye contact). And you'd like for some of your sexual interactions to feel more meaningful. Obviously, I'm sure you understand that not all sex can be "love making." Sometimes it's just carnal sex. But you'd appreciate if sex between you and your wife was sometimes more romantic, filled with feeling, emotion and connection. Am I correct to say that if there was more of those intimate dealings you'd be happier. And possibly even better able to cope with less sex?

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                        • #27
                          Originally posted by Oleander View Post
                          Sex is important in a relationship. Being on different wave lengths sexwise is challenging. It's something that can be overcome, but only if both people are willing to listen and work at it. I think I understand your situation and your frustration and concern. You don't feel like you receive love the way you need it. Every couple is different, but in my opinion sex once a week to two weeks doesn't seem like much to expect. Not like your asking for it daily. So, I don't think you are being dramatic- every 6 weeks is a long time, especially for someone who desires physical touch. But as you said, your problem isn't just the sex per se, it's the lack of overall intimacy. The small gestures that make you feel loved (flirty touching, intimate hugs, snuggling, romantic eye contact). And you'd like for some of your sexual interactions to feel more meaningful. Obviously, I'm sure you understand that not all sex can be "love making." Sometimes it's just carnal sex. But you'd appreciate if sex between you and your wife was sometimes more romantic, filled with feeling, emotion and connection. Am I correct to say that if there was more of those intimate dealings you'd be happier. And possibly even better able to cope with less sex?
                          Thanks Oleander, it is nice to feel understood. Personally, I think my ideal frequency would be a couple of times a week, but I'd happily meet half way with a couple of times per month. And you're right, really, with sex only once every 6 weeks or so, if there was more intimacy I would probably be fine. Sex is very much for her about getting it done, the quickest route between a and b, the least amount of contact that will enable completion. So yeah, it is definitely not just about sex, its the connection, and just intimacy in general.

                          The think I've been thinking lately is even though I think my main love language, and my greatest desire in life is intimacy, I think I've got to look for more fulfillment in other parts of my life, and just try to do without intimacy. I hope that will some exercise, meditation, ... getting out into nature, that perhaps I will feel more fulfilled and not look for intimacy.

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                          • #28
                            Quest: Since you first posted has your wife put in ANY effort to show you displays of affection?
                            Has she read The Five Love Languages and does she even understand what you need so that you're shown you are loved and valued or is she such a narcissist that she doesn't care as long as her needs are being met?

                            Have either of you looked into therapy (professional and marriage counselling) to help you to get out of this unrewarding cycle?
                            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                            • #29
                              Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                              Quest: Since you first posted has your wife put in ANY effort to show you displays of affection?
                              Has she read The Five Love Languages and does she even understand what you need so that you're shown you are loved and valued or is she such a narcissist that she doesn't care as long as her needs are being met?

                              Have either of you looked into therapy (professional and marriage counselling) to help you to get out of this unrewarding cycle?
                              Hi Phases! Well, we had sex a month ago. She doesn't really approach me with signs of affection though. She's said she doesn't want to encourage anything further, ie. she feels like if she is affectionate to me I will take that as a sign she wants sex. She first said that several years ago, and since then I've tried not to take her affection as a sign she wants anything more. In other words, if she hugs me I just hug her back, if she kisses me, I just kiss back. I might try to rub her back or something but if she doesn't reciprocate I stop right away. Anyway, it doesn't seem to help. If we are in public, or over at someone elses house she is strangely more affectionate, she'll put her arm around me or hug me or a kiss on the cheek. I'm not sure if it's because she feels safe that I won't take that as a signal for sex, or if she just likes the appearance of normalcy. I don't really understand the problem in that I am very ... what... submissive? That's the wrong word... I don't push at all, like not at all. I might be disappointed with a rejection, but it's not like I push. We did go to a councilor, but not really for marriage, it was more because our child was having some trouble. I don't think she would go, she doesn't like being vulnerable, so I can only see it ending badly. But, what have I got to lose I suppose... I was frustrated once we took a marriage course through our church, the instructors came to the part about physical intimacy and decided to skip it because they didn't think it was important... their words. It was pretty frustrating for me.

                              Just to be clear, I don't consider my wife a narcissist. She actually does things for other people all the time, she brings food to people who are struggling, she is constantly bringing gifts or thoughtful things to people. She often organizes helpful things for people. She has several friends she is helping through horrible situations. Everywhere she gives, but its weird, where I'm concerned, like... she constantly says that she is always doing things for me. And, like she does for sure... I dunno, gosh I can't really think... She says she does things for me constantly. I am sure that that is true, but I guess they are not things that I see particularly as love language. Perhaps she means, I'm a horribly messy artist type, and she is very orderly, so I think one of the things she thinks is love language is to not get frustrated with my work area etc. So anyway, the point is that she is not a narcissist, but she does see things from her own way. In other words, she likes to be shown love by doing housework, so if she does housework then I should know I'm loved, why on earth can't I see that. That kind of thing. Speaking of giving, there is really something strong against "giving" in sex. Like, she definitely will absolutely do not do anything that is only good for me. I'm sure this means something but I don't understand what. Like the other day I told her I had a romantic dream about her where she started to... and she said: do NOT tell me. Later she said, if it was something she might normally do with me, and she found out that I liked it then she would stop doing it because I liked it. Something along the lines of, if I get too much ... satisfaction then I won't be motivated to do better... ?(better in life not in bed) Seriously I'd love some psychological advice on that one please!!!
                              Last edited by ImOnAQuest; April 21st, 2018, 07:22 PM.

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                              • #30
                                How come you didn't ask her what she meant if you didn't understand what she was meaning?

                                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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