I'm 37 and I've been dating a woman for close to 2 years and I have it all on me to make the hardest decision I've ever faced. My track record with relationships has been minimal and brief. I've only been in 2 relationships that lasted longer than a year and the first one lasted close to 5 years and only because it was long distance for most of 4 years. I was in my early 20's back then. I knew I didn't want to marry her, we just didn't connect on a deeper level but we were close in some important ways. We helped each other through some hard times and had some good times together but I was more like fwb in retrospect with the illusion of something deeper.
This most recent relationship is the opposite. We connected on every aspect that's important. Caring, attractions, and companionship. She's changed my life. My life was mostly hollow before. We became best friends too and close like family. I look at her as family. She is the one I want to marry but the survival of our relationship has also been because of my holding back how I felt about having kids. She told me the 2nd date she couldn't have kids and I didn't put much weight in it. I knew I might want to have kids but I wasn't ready financially or emotionally and I thought I might never meet my soulmate. By not telling her this reservation she trusted me and we got closer.and closer even though that nagging craving of having my own kids was still there. My silence was dishonesty. I was scared of losing her.
We eventually discussed it about 8 months later and it was intense. She got angry and said she thought she remembered telling me that in the beginning. I reaffirmed it and apologized. I told her it was wrong of me. I didn't want to lose her. We decided we would work through it when in reality we just compartmentalized it together but it never left. We get a long so well and she is always there for me and gives me 100%. She knows I'm not giving her 100% and it's frustrating that I feel like I can't. I'm terrified of the bitterness and regret of not even trying to have kids. All I want to do is have kids with her and it is wrong to leave her because of it but it is also wrong for her to deal with a life lived with a bitter companion. I just want to erase the feeling of needing my own kid.
I have a relative that is 10 years older than me that went through this and it scares me. Her boyfriend who already has kids was older and didn't want them but he comprised for her in order to marry her. From my understanding he held out once they married and it became too late for her. I will never forget the intensity of her expression when she told me that to look at the bigger picture. I don't want to be bitter like that.
My girlfriend has already had the experience with having a child and marriage of her. I feel like I need it and so we are in 2 different stages of life. I'm still trying to grow up. My parent's marriage was tumultuous. My mom was verbally and physically abusive towards my dad and then both parents were mostly absent from my life through my teenage years. I lived in a house alone 5 days a week for years when I was a teen. I'm still traumatized by the solitude and neglect and I've had commitment issues since.
I said I'd never get married and I wouldn't have kids until I found the perfect woman. Now I've found the perfect woman and feel compelled to leave. I don't deserve her yet. I set myself up for ruin and entangled her in the process. This is all my fault and I feel guilty. I know that was long winded. Thanks for reading and any advice would be appreciated.
This most recent relationship is the opposite. We connected on every aspect that's important. Caring, attractions, and companionship. She's changed my life. My life was mostly hollow before. We became best friends too and close like family. I look at her as family. She is the one I want to marry but the survival of our relationship has also been because of my holding back how I felt about having kids. She told me the 2nd date she couldn't have kids and I didn't put much weight in it. I knew I might want to have kids but I wasn't ready financially or emotionally and I thought I might never meet my soulmate. By not telling her this reservation she trusted me and we got closer.and closer even though that nagging craving of having my own kids was still there. My silence was dishonesty. I was scared of losing her.
We eventually discussed it about 8 months later and it was intense. She got angry and said she thought she remembered telling me that in the beginning. I reaffirmed it and apologized. I told her it was wrong of me. I didn't want to lose her. We decided we would work through it when in reality we just compartmentalized it together but it never left. We get a long so well and she is always there for me and gives me 100%. She knows I'm not giving her 100% and it's frustrating that I feel like I can't. I'm terrified of the bitterness and regret of not even trying to have kids. All I want to do is have kids with her and it is wrong to leave her because of it but it is also wrong for her to deal with a life lived with a bitter companion. I just want to erase the feeling of needing my own kid.
I have a relative that is 10 years older than me that went through this and it scares me. Her boyfriend who already has kids was older and didn't want them but he comprised for her in order to marry her. From my understanding he held out once they married and it became too late for her. I will never forget the intensity of her expression when she told me that to look at the bigger picture. I don't want to be bitter like that.
My girlfriend has already had the experience with having a child and marriage of her. I feel like I need it and so we are in 2 different stages of life. I'm still trying to grow up. My parent's marriage was tumultuous. My mom was verbally and physically abusive towards my dad and then both parents were mostly absent from my life through my teenage years. I lived in a house alone 5 days a week for years when I was a teen. I'm still traumatized by the solitude and neglect and I've had commitment issues since.
I said I'd never get married and I wouldn't have kids until I found the perfect woman. Now I've found the perfect woman and feel compelled to leave. I don't deserve her yet. I set myself up for ruin and entangled her in the process. This is all my fault and I feel guilty. I know that was long winded. Thanks for reading and any advice would be appreciated.
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