Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Boyfriend Not Sure He Loves Me -- Should I Stay?

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Boyfriend Not Sure He Loves Me -- Should I Stay?

    I have been dating a guy for 8 months and we get along amazingly. We are in tune, like the same things, and have the best time together. I told him around the 7 month mark that I loved him- he accepted it well but did not return the statement. I was fine with this, and had not expected him to say it back.

    He told me recently that he wasn't in love with me yet, and didn't know if he would or wouldn't in the future. He was crying and offered me the chance to break it off if I felt he was 'wasting my time'. However, despite him saying this, he said there was nothing wrong, he wasn't sure why he didn't feel it yet, and that the thought of losing me 'terrified him'.

    Now, he was also under the impression that he had a one-year deadline to know how he felt (not true- not sure how he came up with this!) I explained to him that I was willing to stay in the relationship, that everyone reaches the love status at different times, and that we could reassess later. He's had some negative relationships and even told me that he wasn't quite sure what he was waiting to feel (ie, wasn't sure what love would feel like if/when it showed up).

    I would like some advice on if it's a good idea to stay in the relationship, or if I should go ahead and end it now? I really am OK with him not loving me at the moment, and I do think he's worth waiting on (for a bit), but I can't wait forever. What do you think?

    Thank you!

  • #2
    He has unresolved baggage/issues that he needs to unpack and deal with before he can be completely emotionally available in a healthy way (the way you seem to be). I would not stay for this. You have a lot more to offer and this is the wrong place, wrong time.

    Comment


    • #3
      Ya... I think after 8 months of dating he would know if he loved you or not. Is he on any medication for depression or have Aspergers or anything of the like? I ask because he says this:
      that he wasn't quite sure what he was waiting to feel (ie, wasn't sure what love would feel like if/when it showed up).
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

      Comment


      • #4
        phasesofthemoon No, he isn't on medication- he has some anxiety but not depression, and he does not have Aspergers. What we discussed was that, when you're younger, how you perceive love can be different than when you're older. He has been in love twice before- once in high school, and once in his early 20s (we're both 33). It sounds like those feelings before were more... sharp? Desperate? And now, what he feels for me is softer. I asked if he just saw me as a very good friend, and he said it has never been platonic. And, again, that the thought of losing me terrifies him. So I'm not sure if he's waiting to feel that sharpness- I'm not sure he will because from the beginning, he felt extremely comfortable with me. I'm not trying to rationalize him not loving me, I just don't want to give up before either of us are sure.

        Comment


        • #5
          Is he terrified enough to commit to you as in marriage and then having children with you?

          Do you want marriage and/or children? You're 33, what is your end dating goal and does that goal match is? If you're not compatible in end romantic goals then I'd not be waiting for him much longer.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

          Comment


          • #6
            phasesofthemoon Good question... I would assume not at this time, since I don't think he would commit in that fashion unless he was in love with me. I have always been very neutral about children- it wasn't that I didn't want them, I just didn't think about it too much. After we dated for awhile, I came to see I could definitely start a family with him. I very much want to be married. So we are compatible in that respect. It could just simply be there's something unknowable that keeps him from feeling that way for me. So I wrestle with the question, do I wait to see if it does change, or go before it gets harder?

            Comment


            • #7
              The guy is a drama king. I would end it now. He sounds complicated. I would NOT be ok with anyone NOT loving me. Let's get that straight right off the bat. He is a NO GO.
              "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

              Comment


              • #8
                It would be extremely hard, but it were me I think I would leave. I want to be (and am) with someone I know loves me and has loved me for many years. I had a goal to have children by the time I was 30, formed when we married at 23. The hubby wasn't sure he wanted children so I calmly told him that I was going to forego birth control methods at 30 and it was his choice if he wanted to be the father or not.

                He, rather soon afterwards, decided that he wanted children too and we had our daughter when we were both 30.

                When you know what you want, when you have a goal then it's easy to make tuff decisions.
                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                Comment


                • #9
                  I think you're all right- thanks so much for listening and offering your advice, it's much, much appreciated.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    8 months is a long time w/o an "I love you." He doesn't know what he feels? That sounds like a shady excuse IMHO. I would leave. Never waste your time and energy on a flaky guy.
                    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                    Comment

                    Working...
                    X