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He is obsessive about about my past relationships

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  • He is obsessive about about my past relationships

    My partner and I have been together for about 18 months and are in the process of moving in together with a view to buying a house this year. We are both in our late 50s/early 60s. Things have been moving pretty fast but he has recently become totally obsessive about my past relationships, saying that if we want to spend the rest of our lives together he has the right to know all the ins and out of my previous relationship including details of our sex life and reading emails/text threads I had with my ex's. Although I feel it is important to be open about previous relationships to an extent, in particular why things went wrong, this to me is totally over the top! I feel that any text exchange is a private matter between two people who were close at the time, and which happened in the past, in my case more than 4 years ago or more. And as for the sex life - I'd rather keep that private too. My partner has not had any relationship since his wife left him more than 10 years until he met me, but I had three since my husband passed away around the same time, hoping they would work out but sadly they didn't. He makes me feel really bad about it, and the fact that I entered into a relationship with these men without being fully committed to them on a long-term basis, and keeps questioning me why I did so, and why I carried on with them for that long.... it's a real inquisition on a daily basis. This is all putting a total strain onto our relationship and I feel completely drained from all this. He says he does too but can't stop thinking about my past. What would you advise, does he have the right to know everything?

  • #2
    I feel like he's insecure about his personal space now that your relationship is becoming more serious - more specifically, now that you are moving in together and sharing that personal and very sacred (home) space. I also think that he's begun to fixate on your past as a way of coping with these changes because he is nervous deep down about the changes to your living arrangement but it's an unhealthy way to start your life together. He also seems a little weakened and lost as in lost sight of what matters in the long run.

    You might want to sit down together and unpack what's eating at him because I don't think it's your past relationships. The more you express any kind of defensiveness about your privacy, the greater the friction as he will see it as a direct attack on his personal space and peace of mind (as if you are not cooperating with him as a couple to expose your past). I'd suggest continuing to be firm but gentle confirming and reaffirming that you would like to focus on your relationship together and that you love him. But the going back into the past is not helpful to being together in the future. Don't make any references to your previous relationships or that you feel he is being unreasonable. Keep your eye on the future. If he devolves further and is disrespectful, you might want to speak to a third party counselor. His sudden fixation on the past is a manifestation of nervousness and anxiety regarding changes in your own relationship. He may also not be a conscious person and is genuinely (suddenly) very concerned about issues that you both have never talked about before. It doesn't sound like the case however because you have been upfront about your past and he should know you /type of person you are by now.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; February 7th, 2018, 11:50 AM.

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    • #3
      I'd sit his late 50s/early 60s ass down and tell him that the fine details of any relationship you had prior to him, are none of his business.

      Perhaps you should be asking HIM why he hasn't dated in over 10 years ? Is it because he tried to pull this shit with women in the past and they didn't stand for it ? Why did his wife leave him ??

      My suggestion would be to hold off on moving in together and MOST DEFINITELY put buying a house together, on the back burner. (like, indefinitely)

      Who the hell is he to say that you "entered into a relationship with these men without being fully committed to them on a long-term basis" ? What a horribly judgmental comment to make ! If after 18 months of dating you, he doesn't know how you roll, and that your intent going in was for it to develop into a long or lifetime commitment, then why is he with you ?.

      That and the inquisition on a daily basis, should be a MAJOR RED FLAG that he has HUGE insecurities and is bringing some pretty nasty baggage into your relationship, from his 1st wife leaving him.

      He's an absolute fool if he thinks he'll find any woman in your age bracket, who doesn't have 'a past' - cripes, so does HE !! We ALL do !

      You do not want to encourage a relationship with someone who is out to control you like this. I suggest some intense therapy for him particularly, and as a couple wouldn't be a bad idea either.
      The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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      • #4
        ! I feel that any text exchange is a private matter between two people who were close at the time, and which happened in the past, in my case more than 4 years ago or more.
        ... and I feel I need to question why you would keep messages/texts/emails from anyone, never mind a past lover of four years ago?

        Why do you feel you need to keep old messages or texts or email for that long?

        As for his NEED to invade your privacy. Tell him you've deleted old shit like that and there is nothing to see and if you haven't deleted it then do so. Its weird that you would still have stuff from past lovers for over our years that were only texts and messages. If its sexting stuff then its totally inappropriate to be keeping that kind of thing when you're in a new relationship.

        Him not being able to accept that you'e not a nun is a good reason to reevaluate being in a relationship with him. His persistence and obsession to know all details is a red flag.
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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        • #5
          Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
          ... and I feel I need to question why you would keep messages/texts/emails from anyone, never mind a past lover of four years ago?

          Why do you feel you need to keep old messages or texts or email for that long?
          I was going to bring that up as well, Phases.
          I decided not to because I thought "surely she wouldn't still be holding onto any dialogue with old lovers"
          The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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          • #6
            I agree with Pistol and Phases
            How much information you feel like sharing about your past relationships is up to you.
            He's crossing some major privacy borders here.
            Don't put up with it!

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            • #7
              I agree with the ladies. Do NOT move in with someone like this and most definitely do NOT get yourself into any financial arrangements that will make if more difficult to disengage from him when it all falls apart.

              If you simply cannot walk away from this, then insist that HE gets some professional help for his insecurities, jealousy, and obsessions BEFORE you cohabitate.

              Good luck

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              • #8
                I'd say this guy would be a problem not just now but later. He's too high-maintenance IMHO. You deserve better. He's not for you.
                "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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