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  • She seems confused and im scared of losing her

    (Apologies for minor grammar mistakes, english is not my first language.)
    Hello everyone, this is my first post and the reason why I signed up for this forum. I met an amazing girl about 5 months ago. I'm 22 years old and she's the same age, we both have similar routines, we enjoy similar things and like to go to the same places. We really like each other's company, I believe we are compatible in almost everything, we generally think very much alike and our relationship has always been healthy, with very few conflicts.
    The problem is that we are both coming from previous relationships that had some bad emotional weight. In my case, since my last serious relationship (about 1 year and 2 months ago) I went through a series of brief relationships with several girls of whom I had almost nothing in common, one right after the other. I hurt myself in some of these brief 'relationships', in others I just did not feel anything. In her case, she comes from a troubled relationship that already lasted 3 years. I will talk more about that later, but first im going to tell how we first met.
    We followed each other on social media for a long time (about 1 year) and I always found her attractive, I always wanted to contact her, but avoided because she was still dating her ex. Sometimes checked her Instagram to see if she was single, always unsuccessful. I spent that time longing for her in silence, then the time passed, I became involved in all those relationships I mentioned earlier and I ended up 'forgetting' her. Until one day I saw her in a bar. We were both at different tables. We exchanged a few brief glances and that was all. I looked for her boyfriend at the table and he was not there but I did not approach her at the bar because she had lots of friends around and I'm a bit shy. So when I got home, the first thing I did was open her instagram again and this time I discovered that she was single. My heart even accelerated a little and I did not think twice about sending a message. She has this cute curly hair and it was the first thing i talked about. "You and your curly hair was the most beautiful thing I saw today." Bit cheesy, I know, but it worked. She responded super excited, telling me she noticed me aswell,and we started to talk and the conversation went well. During one of these conversations, we discovered a lot of things in common, then later we decided to go out together for the first time. Our first meeting was the day before my birthday. After work we went out, talked a lot, had a few beers and we were having a really good time. We were talking as if we had known each other for a long time, and I do not remember having such good connection with someone on the first date already.
    After talking a lot and getting to know each other, we went to her place. She lives alone for 4 years. We had sex for the first time on that day and it was AWESOME. Since that first meeting, we have seen each other almost every weekend and sometimes during the week. I confess that I also dated some other girls during this period, but nothing even close to what i felt to her. During our conversations, we ended up talking about past relationships and she told me that she had broke up with her ex recently and wasl a little shaken. She told me how their relationship was troubled, full of ups and downs. The guy was a jerk. He cheated, manipulated, and lied to her many times and in various ways, wanted to control her and so on. She said that she had grown tired of all the problems of that relationship and that they decided to stop, and that she wanted to be very honest with me, making it clear that she was not ready for another relationship right now, that she had many traumas and emotional instability because of that. This kinda scared me a little, but we both made it clear that we did not want anything serious, just wanted to have a good time, which was really true when i said it. I went out with other girls, but it was always her that I thought about and was always was anxious to see her in the weekend.Looking to the past now, i was obviously already in love with her. Time has passed and the relationship eventually evolved. We both said that we really liked each other, and that we had great chemistry, incredible sex, and so on. She confessed to me that she was very much in love. It made me very happy, because I felt the same way too, but I was always afraid to talk about that because of our initial agreement of only having fun together and nothing more.
    Then some time later I made the proposal that we should start to have something serious. (After going out for 4 months) At first she was afraid, said she was insecure to take steps toward a more serious relationship because she did not know if she was ready for it. She told me that she still had the traumas of her past relationship and the fear of hurting herself again, but that she would think about it because she liked me very much and that thought of having a serious relationship has crossed her mind sometimes when we were together. By that time both of us were already very much in love, she assumed her feelings for me very clearly. After a while I asked her again, in the new year's eve,and she got really happy and said 'YES YES YES' many times. Now we were officialy in a serious relationship and had a wonderful first month, until now...
    Last edited by fenrir; February 6th, 2018, 11:19 AM.

  • #2
    About a week ago things started to get weird. She was in a process of moving to a new place, close to mine, we were very excited about this, but I realized that it made her melancholic and a little shaken, because of the memories she had in the previous house.She even told me about that. I understood that. In addition, we were both going through several stressful times. Work, college, etc. She failed to gain entry to journalism college that she had always wanted, and that made her very sad. I, on the other hand, im getting ready for another test which may get me a new job, studying and working at the same time, helping her with the moving process and all, and it made me very stressed and anxious. We ended up getting in conflict about the most small things, jealousy (from both sides) and so on. I confess I became really annoying this week. I repeatedly complained about small things, started unnecessary discussions and then in a moment of stress, last Friday, I decided to go drinking with some friends instead of going to her father's birthday. I felt really bad afterwards, said i was sorry multiple times, etc. We normally fix things up pretty quicky but that day was the first time I noticed that something was really wrong, because she was very upset and didnt want to see me. We ended up talking and solving things out but everything was still strange. We didnt had sex for some time, though we've been seeing each other often. She finished the process of moving and organizing her new place yesterday and I decided to go and talk to her and try to fix things. The conversation took a totally unexpected turn: I thought we were going to settle, but she surprised me with feelings I did not know existed. She said that we skipped a lot of steps and started a relationship too fast, that she was insecure and afraid of the future and did not know if she was ready for it. I asked her why she was feeling like that, she said she was sorry, that it was not my fault and it was all about her. I asked if she was breaking up with me and she said no, then she cried, hugged me and said that she did not know exactly what she felt for me. She started talking about several things and it sounded so much like a break up, so I asked again if that was a break up and she replied "I dont know what to do."
    I was confused, I could not understand why her feelings had suddenly changed within a week, she went from "i love you and want to be with you" to "i dont know what i feel for you anymore."
    Knowing she was uncertain about her feelings was a stab in my chest. I tried to be as mature as possible and asked her not to make any decisions now in the heat of the moment. I decided to give her a space, I said it would be good if we did not talk for a few days and then we would make a more mature decision on that. She accepted that. She looked sad but at the same time looked like she just wanted me to leave her alone.
    When it was time to leave, we both held each other's hands tightly before i left. We kissed, it was passionate and i did not wanted to leave but i knew i had to go. Now is the first day without any contact with her and I am suffering from anxiety and nervousness. I'm afraid of losing her nd I do not know if I made the right decision to put a space between us. I'm avoiding social media, work and college distract me, but i think about her for many hours during the day and i dont know what to do to fix things.
    I really like her and it's only been 1 month that we're together officialy. I think we can still solve this, im feeling really bad with myself for letting her feel so insecure and scared again, and even when she says its not my fault, i cant help but blame myself that it is. Her new house is close to mine and that makes things worse, i always feel the urge to go there just to see her, but i know that this is not the right thing to do now. Im thinking about asking her out on the weekend and maybe send a few texts in a few days. But im kinda depressed and lost. Any advice?
    Last edited by fenrir; February 6th, 2018, 04:45 AM.

    Comment


    • #3
      She said that we skipped a lot of steps and started a relationship too fast,

      ^^^^This sums it up pretty well.

      You had sex on the first date, and within a month of dating you were talking about having a serious relationship. How did you think that was going to end? You barely know each other. Having sex isn't getting to know each other.

      The initial attraction phase is very powerful, full of lust and raw hormonal bliss, but when the dust settles you start seeing the reality of the other person. That's when people fall off their pedestals in the eyes of the other partners. That's what's happening with her now. She doesn't know what she feels for you. Translation: she doesn't think you are boyfriend material.

      My advice is for each of you to date other people. Try to get to know someone before you jump into bed with her if you're serious about a life partner. Let her contact YOU if she wants to. Otherwise, move on.
      "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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      • #4
        Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
        She said that we skipped a lot of steps and started a relationship too fast,

        ^^^^This sums it up pretty well.

        You had sex on the first date, and within a month of dating you were talking about having a serious relationship. How did you think that was going to end? You barely know each other. Having sex isn't getting to know each other.

        The initial attraction phase is very powerful, full of lust and raw hormonal bliss, but when the dust settles you start seeing the reality of the other person. That's when people fall off their pedestals in the eyes of the other partners. That's what's happening with her now. She doesn't know what she feels for you. Translation: she doesn't think you are boyfriend material.

        My advice is for each of you to date other people. Try to get to know someone before you jump into bed with her if you're serious about a life partner. Let her contact YOU if she wants to. Otherwise, move on.
        Is there any real problem with having sex on the first date? Is that a red flag at all?
        And we didn't broke up. She said she was confused and i gave time to her to think about everything. If i started dating other people, wouldnt that be cheating?
        ALSO i didnt talked about getting into a serious relationship after just one month. The first time i suggested it was after 4 and a half months.
        Last edited by fenrir; February 6th, 2018, 09:08 AM.

        Comment


        • #5
          Maybe for your generation it's not a problem. But then your generation is riddled with depression, insecurity, and anxiety where mine wasn't. I'm no sociologist, but I think there may be a connection there.

          By all means, give her time to think about it all. Don't contact her. Let her contact you.
          "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

          Comment


          • #6
            Maybe for your generation it's not a problem. But then your generation is riddled with depression, insecurity, and anxiety where mine wasn't.

            Lol.

            By all means, give her time to think about it all. Don't contact her. Let her contact you.

            Yeah, thats what im planning to do. I'm also focusing on improving myself, studying more, working out, etc. I think i need to keep my mind busy. Thanks, Sarah.

            Comment


            • #7
              Just wanted to give a update to anyone who is interested:
              she cheated on me with her ex-boyfriend during those 3 days we were apart. She admited it to me today. I broke up. But im broken. Guess i need to work on myself right now.

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