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Paying for his car loan and i'm stuck with the payment to save him And Verbal abuse?

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  • Paying for his car loan and i'm stuck with the payment to save him And Verbal abuse?

    I am engaged to a man who is in his 50s and when I we met he was making good money. He convinced me to move in with him and leave my career, as well. He lived 3 hours away and he told me that he would take care of me and let me do my own thing — and whatever I made was “extra”.

    It was very clear within a few months that this was a big mistake because he was trying to control everything I spent and shaming me for spending money on myself. (hair, manicure, make up)

    I QUICKLY got a job and started giving him the income - thinking he would stop hounding me over what I was spending. But it didn’t change much. He took all my paychecks and still gave me crap about what I was spending.

    We broke up and he left me with very little and I had to rebuild fast. I got an apartment and signed a lease back in my old city and my income was better — I felt very blessed that I was able to rebound.

    Well, he came back to me and we got back together and I control my own money. However, he lost his cushy income and he is struggling to meet his own bills. I pay most of everything when we go out etc. And I’m still paying the lease on my apartment. Because I got a client back in that location after he left me, I need to stay there on and off. And to be honest, I really like the apartment and having a sense of strength there. I built myself back in that apartment and it’s hard for me to just say goodbye to it.

    Well, I am losing a client who I have on contract in 2 months. I currently spend the majority of the time in his house - - his town. Like i said, I pay my own bills plus his food and entertainment and my own lease — where we both stay when we visit that town. When he travels there to be with me — I typically pay all of of his meals and his gas, as well.


    Today he suggested that I give notice on the apartment to conserve on money so I can continue paying all my own bills. (and his, i’m sure).

    I said well, in a couple of months (when I lose that contract) couldn’t you help me if I fall short with meals etc? He said NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! He said that he is doing poorly with money right now and that he is in no position to be counted on — by anyone.

    The truth is he has a very good opportunity in his market place. But, right now it’s a fairly new business and he is struggling. HOWEVER, he has a 1500 dollar car payment among other expensive habits. He says he can’t downsize the car because he has so much negative equity and he can’t roll it into a new loan —

    So he says he must continue to pay this big car loan and I know it’s because he can’t possible bare the thought of losing his precious 100k car.

    My question is what would you do? I make good money and I currently have no savings because everything I don’t pay in my own bills, I pay for us. I don’t make his house payments, or electric bills — or anything like that. But, I pay all of his food, eating out, drinks — gas.

    The other day we were arguing about this and he told me that I do NOT help him and that I’m a joke if I think that I do — and when I mentioned all the meals and eating out — he said even his ex wife would feed him — or his mother and that I am not exactly mother Theresa — and NO I don’t help in anyway.

    I do love him and I don’t want to look back with regrets — but this is tough. I’m 40 and I have no savings and when he left me with nothing —after I left my career for him — I thought I was the biggest idiot on the planet. Now that I have income coming in and I feel stronger about myself — I tend to keep giving…

    Last thing — he owns the car that I drive. I had my own but he hated that my ex husband’s name was on the lease and that I had to pay something associated with my ex. This was when he had a lot of money — so he turned in the car —used the income I made when I got my job back — paid off the car and surprised me with a NEW car in HIS name. My credit was rough, so he felt he would take out the loan in his own name and have me pay the car payment with my income.


    I have been paying on HIS car for nearly 2 years now and I have spent a ton of money on car repairs and insurance….more than a car that I would normally pick for myself. I don’t change cars because I would leave him upside down on this car and I know he bought it for me…and counted on me to pay. But, If he left me tomorrow or next month — I would have to return the car — receive no equity or any of my maintenance upkeep back.

    The car is a used car and expensive. It also requires special tires — I replaced the back 2 last month and I just saw that the front tire is about to go now too. he requires that I keep all the tires the same — so THAT tire will be at least 300 bucks. And YES, I will have to pay it.


    Am I not seeing the forest through the trees here? I have friends who are living the life and I’m paycheck to paycheck…. HOPING this will turn around…and it’s not.

    I COULD downsize my apartment and keep a smaller one, but that’s not what I want. And it sucks that I need to do this because he can’t fully support his own business.

    And -- lastly, we fight a lot. Or at least we have a history of this -- when I travel or work too much. He gets frustrated. I would end up drinking wine to deal with his yelling and stress. I would end up drinking about a bottle of wine a night. He told me several times that he blamed my alcohol for our fights. If I had ONE glass of wine he would say -- hey, look alcohol and a fight! What a concept. I said I have barely had 5 sips! He said that the alchol was the problem. He would call me an alcholic and this only made me drink more. The fights would be awful. So 2 weeks ago -- I realized it was time to quit drinking 100 percent. I needed to see full throttle what was going on.

    I have struggled but I haven't had ANY alcohol. I have really been atsy or edgy because he's been annoying. The other night he saw me kind of fidgety and asked what my problem was... I said I have given up ALL alcohol...and I need you to please udnerstnd I need to develop new habits at night...new routine.

    He said so 'alcoholism is gone ...and you are just a nightmare?" He laughed and joked but then on a seperate occasion he said "so I guess alcohol is not the reason you are a "ANGRY OLD WOMAN?" I am FORTY! I said OMG -- did you just say that? He said it was a joke...and there's clearly something wrong with me...

    Advice please? Sorry to cover so many topics..

  • #2
    I would dump the guy as in yesterday! He is some piece of work. Wow. He needs to go. Good riddance.

    Hope you're not a high funcitoning alchoholic, with all due respect and I think you should get professional help if alcohol is a temptation for you every single time life becomes too stressful to cope.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

    Comment


    • #3
      I thought I was the biggest idiot on the planet.

      No offense, really, but you ARE the biggest idiot on the planet.

      You have attached yourself to a serious loser, and you luckily got away once from him, but you allowed yourself to get sucked right back into his useless world.

      Here's my advice. Stay in your own apartment. Buy your own car and give him back the one he bought for you. He can sell and it eat the loss. First of all, it's illegal to put a car in his name if you're the main driver. Then you need to cut off all contact with this deadbeat. You must have a huge lack of self-respect to have hooked up with someone like this. Until you get your head on straight and start recognizing losers when you see one, you're never going to be happy.

      What's wrong with you?
      "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

      Comment


      • #4
        Thank you -- Well, is one bottle of wine a day an alcoholic? The GOOD news is -- I haven't had ANY WINE in 2 weeks and sure I'm working to get new habits....but, I also know that I can do this just fine.

        As for him....I keep thinking I will regret leaving him -- and will want him back like I did last time...

        BTW last time he left me over money and constant fights and he had a 24 year old by his side quite quickly. I didn't know this of course until AFTER we got back together.... he is 51! He drives the expensive car and has the big house -- and high status job -- but he's broke. He draws young women easily... because they THINK he is a rich important man...

        I am "old" for him now I suppose -- but I love his intelligence and his charming nature. But, I also hate that I am never allowed to really be myself in public because he immediately takes over every conversation that he can....

        Comment


        • #5

          What's wrong with you?[/QUOTE]

          Good question... the fact is he is a doctor and everyone LOVES him and people throw themselves at him.... obviously they don't know the 'real' him...but it's so easy to get caught up in all of it..

          He and I APPEAR to have it all... the nice cars.. he's good looking and I know that I get jealous just thinking about him being with other women... and it hurts.

          I think it keeps me a prisoner to this...

          Comment


          • #6

            Yes, one bottle a day is an alcoholic. My friend consumed one bottle a day and she admitted she was an alcoholic. She quit drinking and as for the past, she wasn't in denial. She belongs to AA. That's a lot of booze. You're working on getting new habits which is positive and great news.
            You won't regret leaving the loser. He's a bad apple.
            You're not old! You still have a life ahead of you. Make it bright by weeding out the jerks.
            In the future, beware of charmers. They are wolves in sheep's clothing and they're constantly searching for suckers (naive victims are easy targets). They are selfish, deceitful, sociopaths, phony, manipulative, controlling and dangerous. I'm not kidding. I've encountered this type of individual in my past. Run for the hills.
            Last edited by chanelle; February 5th, 2018, 05:26 PM.
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

            Comment


            • #7
              Thank you...the only thing that I feel good about here is knowing that he can't say oh she was just a drunk.... she just could't stop drinking. Yes, Yes I have and I can determine for myself that the alcohol was not the source of our fighting -- it was my coping mechanism. I am going bonkers trying to deal with his emotional outbursts and not having something to relax me. He can be very loud and tough when we argue. He's hispanic and I am not used to the high level of anger that he says is just part of his culture.
              Last edited by needingpeacefullness; February 5th, 2018, 05:44 PM.

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              • #8
                Separate yourself from this madness and abuse. Forget about loving him. You can't love someone who treats you this way. Hispanic or not, he's a world class blowhard and loser.
                "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

                Comment


                • #9
                  I think it's probably safe to say that you've never had a healthy, loving, passionate, happy, rewarding, safe, amazing, jealousy-free, non-controlling relationship with a man, otherwise you'd know the fucken difference between what that was, and what this is.

                  DO NOT give up your apartment. You love it for all the right reasons.
                  DO NOT allow him to move in with you. He'll suck everything you love about your little castle, right out of it.
                  DO NOT give him another GD dime ! What kind of 'doctor' is this shmuck anyway, that he can't pay his own bills ?
                  DO NOT allow him to talk to you one more minute, with such disrespect and ignorance.

                  DO kick his ass to the curb,
                  DO cut all contact with him, and
                  DO get your worthy self as far away from him as possible and never fall for his bullshit again !!!

                  Jesus girl, you drink because you're so unhappy. It numbs you to the point of acceptance.
                  Throw him and the bottle away.
                  The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    It's hard to absorb this, but in my gut I know you are right. He isn't helping me in any way shape or form at this point...right? I just need to get a plan together because leaving him is going to be messy -- i can count on it.

                    Comment


                    • #11


                      Good question... the fact is he is a doctor and everyone LOVES him and people throw themselves at him.... obviously they don't know the 'real' him...but it's so easy to get caught up in all of it..

                      He and I APPEAR to have it all... the nice cars.. he's good looking and I know that I get jealous just thinking about him being with other women... and it hurts.

                      I think it keeps me a prisoner to this...


                      As for him....I keep thinking I will regret leaving him -- and will want him back like I did last time...
                      Go to your own doctor and ask for a referral to a good therapist proficient in codependency issues because you are surely suffering in it.

                      You are paying for a car that you can't even take with you if you leave because it's in his name. Hike up your panties, and get yourself back to that apartment that you like so much. Do not take the car because it's not yours. Let him pay off the rest of it or buy it back from the dealer when it gets repo'd because he's a loser "doctor" who has no job? Say What?

                      You don't say one good thing about this man, you're miserable with him and you're too scared to leave him = Codependency at it's finest.

                      Adding link: Here's something to read that might resonate with you, Op.

                      https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationsh...relationship#1
                      Last edited by phasesofthemoon; February 5th, 2018, 06:27 PM.
                      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by needingpeacefullness View Post
                        It's hard to absorb this, but in my gut I know you are right. He isn't helping me in any way shape or form at this point...right? I just need to get a plan together because leaving him is going to be messy -- i can count on it.
                        How is leaving him going to be messy? Are you afraid of him? Just drop the car off at his house and write him an email. Don't answer his calls. If he arrives at your door, don't open it. Threaten a restraining order.
                        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          People drink or use drugs because they don't want to feel.

                          As in feel emotions.

                          They are too scary, much like your fright of leaving him. FEAR is False Entities Appearing Real

                          Also you may want to go pick up the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Although you could use a therapist, and an AA meeting.

                          You my dear are not old at all. You are in the prime of your life right now. DON'T WASTE IT on this loser.

                          If this was your sister coming to you and laying out this story, what would your advice be to her?

                          I agree with everything Pistol has said, and Phase, and Maggie, and Chanelle, and Sarah, you need some serious lessons on self respect and keeping your dignity intact. he uses you because he knows he can because of your fear of losing him. He projects his own insecurities and weaknesses on you, he's a gaslighting fucktard as well.

                          Dump this fucking loser. A doctor with no job? Really? SO his facade will come crashing down eventually you don't want your wagon hitched to that. A doctor, with no job SMH.
                          of course he's charming and women flock to him they think he's got stability he's a fucking doctor. Oh what a great facade he's built.

                          Dump the fucking loser, he's a manipulative narcissistic fucktard.
                          There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            He is a doctor and he opened a new practice about a year ago and he’s just not doing well. In all fairness, it’s the status of healthcare for any doctor not employed by a hospital.

                            The reason this could be messy is the fact that I started a business with an investor earlier this year. It’s a dream come true. However he forced his way into it when he heard my investors wanted a vertical in healthcare. He has been helping my developer and I asked the investor to make him a 1 thousand dollar a month contractor until he got the info he needed. A lawyer told me this would be a very good good way to protect me IF he ever tried to claim any ownership. He signed an agreement that says he is just a contractor and not an owner or entitled to it.

                            But, if I leave ASAP ...it will be messy because i would have to tell my investor that he’s out and it would look unstable. I worry that it would hurt my business ...if I stayed quiet for another month, i could get past the phase where he has ANY involvement.

                            But I am scared.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Now it just sounds your making excuses to stay mired in your situation.
                              There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

                              Comment

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