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Need Your Thoughts / Tired and Retired

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  • Need Your Thoughts / Tired and Retired

    I have been dealing with the same person for the past 4 and a half years. He is a little younger than me but I didn't think that was a big problem when we met because I fell in love with how genuine he was.

    The Long Story Short:

    - We have been through his severe gambling addiction ( he'd lose over 8 thousand dollars and not care but get mad when I would stress the importance of what that money could do).

    - He abandoned me when I was homeless 5 times in total ( without notice because he swore I was getting upset about him gambling or it would be over something small).

    - During one of the abandoned phases he set up a dating profile where he bashed me to talk to another girl, met her for coffee, then lied to me about it, only for me to find out about it later when she texted him ( which her name was under a poker name in his phone).

    - I told him I needed a car, started doing my work from home job again, he's crashed 3 cars in total ( no not one cent to help me get mine or give me one).

    - I left a few things with him for safekeeping, when we broke up for a week after I couldn't take the disrespect, he lied and said it was in storage only to find out later that he threw it all in the trash ( my journal and kids footprints. .. yes gone)

    - We tried to work it out, moved into a place together, he never cleaned up so I made him stay in the other bedroom, never washed dishes or did anything so we lived separately but together.

    - One day when we were about to watch a movie, the girl he took for coffee texted him again ( after he had me text he a few months before to leave her alone he texted her after a few weeks when we fought apparently).

    - I went out of state after we left the house to save money by staying with a friend, while gone he bought me a beautiful phone watch for V - Day.

    - We got in an argument on 4/12 , he cheated 4/12 - 4/25

    - When I got back in town he admitted that he cheated and wanted to work it out, surprise I was pregnant

    - We try to work through it, I find out she's pregnant too, he proposed to her, - I found out she was pregnant as he was sitting next to me , a private number came on his phone he acted like no one was there, I heard her, She called back and told me she was pregnant. I didn't get mad, I comforted her and wanted him to be responsible.

    - The stress caused me to have a miscarriage. She had her baby in October, I found out I was pregnant with baby number 2 ( also miscarried due to stress)

    - We tried to work it out, again.

    Now almost 4 and some change years later he states I need to forget the past because it's the past ( note the baby isn't a year old ) and let him start on a clean slate. We argue because he refuses to do simple things out of respect for me like look me in the eyes while talking or apologize when he says something offensive.

    I told him he's wrong and now we are at the point where I want to just be done but I told him I wanted to make sure he spoke with a psychologist or got guy friends with a sense of respect so he understood where he needed to be respectful to women.

    I at this point think only a friendship will end up being the result or I'll end up just tossing the whole toxic situation away. I need your thoughts.

  • #2
    Quick extra notes:

    - The beautiful V-Day watch was given to the pregnant girl as a gift with flowers, a cake and a few more things.

    - He refuses to see his daughter because he swears he doesn't want to mess us up and by acknowledgement of the child is like admitting he did something wrong.

    - Hygiene with him is 0 ( I didn't pay much attention until we were in close quarters, never brushed his teeth, over 500 pounds in weight and no care for how he looks).

    I want only the best for him through all the mess that he has done because I believe this is directly connected to his inability to " grow up"

    I know it makes me seem as naive as him but I still see that genuine heart through all of his mess but the relationship aspect of this is already scared because he assumes trust is something that just needs to regenerate with the change of the calender year ( Which it doesn't).

    All of this seems to be something weighing heavy on me because I think for some time I thought I could compromise on my worth and what I wanted out of someone. My heart and esteem was a bit on the low side because I had to fully grieve the death of my previous boyfriend before I met him. But now that it's a new year I want more out of me which means it may have to be just me, I'm only about healthy relationships with friends and families. I think there is a space and an opportunity for him to gain some perspective from this growth. I wont let this make me not trust anyone I just don't want to fall back into this type of relationship again. Please tell me I'm not crazy.


    • #3
      If you read back your own post, can you even see how messed up this all is?
      This guy is a one way ticket to disaster. Nothing you say or do will ever change him. By putting up with it, you are enabling him over and over. Grow some self respect and leave him.

      On a side note though. You mention being homeless multiple times and expecting him to help you out. Needing a car and expecting him to help you aquire one, or give you one. You have been pregnant with this loser's child twice.
      Not only he is a walking mess. You have some serious growing up to do yourself.
      Stop putting yourself in situations where you need/ depend on someone elses help for your living or financial situation. Whatever you keep doing to make yourself homeless, get a grip on it. Normal functioning people don't end up on the street over and over again unless they are making some big mistakes in life.
      Nobody is responsible for your life, except you. Nobody is going to bail you out, except you.
      And bith control isn't that hard to figure out. Getting yourself knocked up (twice!), while being recurringly homeless and in a toxic relationship is just about the worst thing you can do.
      You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf


      • #4
        I couldn't say it any better than Ayla already has.

        You choose to remain with someone who is clearly a piss-poor partner. Why?

        Get your shit together.
        Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.


        • #5
          I'm curious why you felt you had to hang on this long? I think you clearly are aware of how bizarre this situation is.