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Standing up for your partner

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  • Standing up for your partner


    I'm having problems with showing my fiancť that I will stick up for him. Throughout our relationship I have never stood up for him to other people or had his back when it has come to the decisions that he has made for us, particularly to my family. This has been because I was of the opinion that things were said to him as a Joke and he was being to over sensitive but I realise now thatís not acceptable and I should have chimed in as it made him feel unwanted and hatred towards my family. He wants to be shown I can and will stand up for him and I told him I would next time something happens but he doesn't believe me and says there is a million ways to 'make it happen' so prove it and I just don't know how to?

  • #2
    Instead of standing up for him, he'll earn more respect from your family (and / or friends) if he stands up for himself, speaks up and clears his name. Perhaps you can coach him and teach him that. My dad taught me that in this life you need to defend yourself otherwise you'll get mowed down and no one can fight your battles for you. Sure, it's good to be supportive but you gain more respect and you silence others when you're strong and tough on your own.
    Last edited by chanelle; February 4th, 2018, 08:47 PM.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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    • #3
      Thanks! While I agree to an extent, he has always done that but I have never had his back so he feels very alone especially when itís my family, there is only so much he can do or say without causing huge upset to the family dynamics so Iím really trying to find ways to show him he isnít alone and from now on I wonít let anyone treat him badly (wether that be sticking up for him or just having his back when he does it himself you know.) any suggestions on how? I just want to prove we are a partnership and he wonít be alone in battle.

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      • #4
        Well, just like a husband would speak up for his wife, then perhaps you can, too for your boyfriend. Just be diplomatic and peaceful about it and do the best you can. Be cordial, request that they treat him with respect and as if he matters. When jokes are at his expense, then it's not amusing and you should mention that. It's not funny to be sarcastic and cynical when it's hurtful and unkind. There is intelligent humor and then there's unintelligent humor. There is a difference. Your family should be considerate and kind and ask them to treat him that way. If they refuse to cooperate and refuse to respect and honor your and your boyfriend's wishes, then you'll need to enforce healthy boundaries with your family such as limiting contact, reduce socializing with them and know where to draw the line. In many family dynamics such as with my extended family, there are a few jerks who are an embarrassment at every family gathering or reunion. They talk too much, say something obnoxious, say something uncalled for, extremely rude, selfish, spew foul language quite easily and contribute to air pollution. They don't know when and how to shut-up. We all try to keep the peace but nowadays, I deliberately limit contact with them and despite their residing locally, my immediate family and I only see them a few times a year at best. It's not an optimal "Norman Rockwell" picture but these are my enforced healthy boundaries. It's not perfect but at least it's peaceful. When you can't alter or change people's behavior, you need to resort to 'Plan B' by changing YOUR ways, make new decisions and reduce the abuse. Interact less. If they ask why, tell them why calmly without arguing. If they're ok with not socializing as much as before, then you and your boyfriend should be satisfied with this new arrangement, too. Reduced interaction signals "Your behavior is unacceptable. I won't allow you to abuse me anymore nor will I tolerate it." That's the message by your and your boyfriend's deliberate absences and if they don't get the message, at least you and your boyfriend will feel safer. This is what I do.
        Last edited by chanelle; February 5th, 2018, 03:11 AM.
        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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        • #5
          May I please ask why your family has insider news on the decisions going on in your relationship?

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          • #6
            They shouldnít I know, and they havenít for years now since we moved away about 6 years ago but I was 18 when we got together and still very much doing what my parents told me and taking their advice on board. This is all residue from things that happened years ago and really all Iím asking here is for some quick ways to show him I will stick up for him. For example he said if it were him that had that to prove he would take me out and bump me into someone so when they reacted he could show me he will stick up for me so Iím trying to think of ways I can make things happen to prove Iíll have his back! I have addressed some stuff with my dad but my execution verbally wasnít great because I was so nervous so that pretty much was pointless in my partners eyes.

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            • #7
              This seems a bit juvenile (his suggestion). I think he's manipulating you emotionally. That is no way to justify anything. You stand up for him when there's an issue worth standing for. You're not a circus walrus who's supposed to clap on cue. Of course you're nervous.

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              • #8
                gs that happened years ago and really all Iím asking here is for some quick ways to show him I will stick up for him. For example he said if it were him that had that to prove he would take me out and bump me into someone so when they reacted he could show me he will stick up for me
                That is extremely immature and to do something like that is putting you and him at risk of injury or worse.

                Tell him that you will have his back next time you need to but to cause something is just not a good idea.

                Why is he holding a grudge now after many years? What other ways is he looking to cause trouble in your relationship when there needn't be any?

                Adding: What kinds of things did your family say or do that he thought you should have had his back on? Lets see if he IS actually being overly sensitive and immature about that.
                Last edited by phasesofthemoon; February 6th, 2018, 02:33 PM.
                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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