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  • Ignored and uncomfortable

    So my wife has a child with anoither guy from years back, that's not the issue but when he drives here (about an hour away) to collect his son for visitation (the son is now a teen) she invites him in and hugs him in greeting. I asked her today, is hugging him really necessary? The reply was: aww im going to say I'm a huggy person and it's just a greeting in some classes, so you don't need to worry, I hug all types of people and you have nothing to be concerned about over him, so you need to relax.

    how should I proceed..I'm not happy with her response and while I may be being silly.. I'm just not happy about it.. it's not like hugging a friend .. this is an old lover and father of her son.. HELP!

  • #2
    I'm sure she wants to maintain a peaceful relationship with her ex and that's why she hugs him for greetings. If her true heart is with you the rest of the time, I wouldn't worry about it. Try not to let this be a hang up of yours. I wouldn't proceed with anything. It's not that big of deal. It's an hour away, not exactly convenient and infrequent. I wouldn't get too worked up over this IMHO.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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    • #3
      Thank you, conversely.. I have an ex who drops my son off fortnightly and I drop him.home a couple of days later, I want a peaceful relationship too, but I don't feel the need to hug her or any other ex.. friends are ok.. but ex partners or lovers?? Im not so sure therynsdit inn the same category.

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      • #4
        It to the benefit of the children that they see their parents are comfortable, friendly, and yes, affectionate with each other. It helps the kids be comfortable with having their parents in the same room--for life-cycle events and such. Assuming the hugs are perfectly appropriate, I would suggest you not make a deal of it. Doing so makes everyone uncomfortable and you look very insecure and/or controlling.

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        • #5
          Hugs are rather harmless as long as everyone knows there are boundaries in place. She's just trying to create a harmonious atmosphere during the kid exchange drop off / pick up. I wouldn't read into it so much and consider it harmless. She's made it clear to you, she's done with her ex had it not been for the child involved, it's just a hug and you are the one who is her boyfriend. I wouldn't sweat it.
          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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          • #6
            If you're still uncomfortable with it, tell her again. I don't like the way she brushed you off "awww...." like you're a five year old who needs consoling after someone took his playtime building block. Just as you should be respectful of the way she conducts herself, she too should be respectful of anything that makes you uncomfortable and if it continues to bother you, don't bury it.

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            • #7
              I think that if you've expressed discomfort at her hugging him, she should stop hugging him. There are other ways to demonstrate friendliness. Smiles, kind words, etc. She doesn't need to be hugging him. What if he gets married and brings his wife along to pick up the son? How would she feel about it. It needs to stop.
              "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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              • #8
                If you feel its disrespectful then she should honor that. On the other hand, it seems rather harmless as some people are naturally friendly and can come off as flirtatious, etc. I know several women personally who fit that category. I agree with you and if I were in your shoes Id address it as well. More than likely its just her personality, but an ex lover is the issue at hand.

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                • #9
                  This seems pretty innocuous to me. After all they share a child and the message it sends to the child is much more important than your insecurity over a hug.
                  I hug a lot of people including ex lovers that doesn't mean I want to do them all it's just a way of greeting that is warm and accepting without any sexual connotation.

                  Personally I think you're letting some insecurity seep into an otherwise innocuous event. Just my opinion.
                  There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Pollon View Post
                    It to the benefit of the children that they see their parents are comfortable, friendly, and yes, affectionate with each other. It helps the kids be comfortable with having their parents in the same room--for life-cycle events and such. Assuming the hugs are perfectly appropriate, I would suggest you not make a deal of it. Doing so makes everyone uncomfortable and you look very insecure and/or controlling.
                    This ^^
                    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                    • #11
                      If it's just that - a hug every few weeks as he picks up his kid, i think you're making a big deal out of nothing.
                      For the sake of the child, I agree with Pollon , foh4k and phases. It's great that there is no hostility left between them and the child can see that both parents, whether they are together or not, are still a team when it comes to childcare.
                      This trumps your insecurity
                      You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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                      • #12
                        In the same respect, Treaders, if you do feel overwhelmed by these acts of PDA or acts that may be misconstrued as PDA, it is still healthy to evaluate why you feel this way and maybe reconsider if having a relationship with someone with family ties and commitments outside of your relationship is an appropriate choice for you. You are not obligated to date someone who has those family ties.

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                        • #13
                          I reiterate that if it makes the husband uncomfortable, then she should stop it. As I said, there are many ways to demonstrate friendliness other than with touching.

                          He is not dating her. He is married to her.
                          "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                          • #14
                            Thanks for pointing the marriage out. He is not obligated to stay married to a woman who brushes off his concerns.

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                            • #15
                              Well, I don't know about anyone else but if it were me, I sure wouldn't be leaving my husband because he hugged his ex wife. If they are'nt having any inappropriate hang outs, chatting online late into the night, kissing one another on the lips then I wouldn't sweat it. If I DID sweat it, then I would be working on my (IMO) over possessiveness for the sake of peaceful, calm co-parenting or our child.
                              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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