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My step kid hates me because of my husband and family.

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  • My step kid hates me because of my husband and family.

    I met my step kid when he was 1 and gladly took the role of mom. When he turned 5, his father and I would argue about money. He wanted to buy many expensive things we couldn't afford and I said not at this time. He would through a fit and start complaining to our kid about how mean I was and that I didn't love his dad. Without me knowing every argument he would go into our sons room and complain or say your mom doesnt want me to be happy she wont buy me this and she is leaving us. As years went on his dad would say I'm kicking her out I'm tired of her, then our son would say "whatever dad, you always say shes mean and you are kicking her out then the next day you guys are lovey dovey." Any fight no matter how small he would tell me "well I feel like the only one who cares about me is my son" then go talk to him about our problems. My husband did not only complain to our kid but his mom, dad and sisters. Then everyone else felt sorry for him and complained about me in front of kids too.
    now that our son is 13, my husband finally realized what he has done and now trying to get him to like me again. My husband said to our son " it is my fault that you hate your mom, most of what I complained to everyone was an exaggeration, a lie just for you to feel sorry for me and to be on my side, and the tough part is when your mom was at school trying to better our lives is when I complained the most so what can we do to fix it.?" My son said that he hates me and doesn't want to fix it, he said to his dad " how can you expect me to like her after all these years of you complaining about her?" My husband told him that he woke up and realized how much he loves me and what a great mom I am that he never wants me to leave and that he wants us to go back to the way it use to be before he started telling stories. Now my husband doesn't say anything negative.I text my son when I'm at work but he never answers, it is hard to talk to him he is so distant. The other problem is my husband's mom, she complains about everyone a lot but somehow has a really good relationship with our son, so that if my husband wants to talk to our son, his mom is very protective of our son. It feels like grandma doesn't want him to be close to me like she is afraid she will loose him. When he was younger I would take him places always positive and something fun. Grandma would complain that I was the fun parent and she never had enough money to be fun. So I think she is keeping a wedge between us to. The other thing is his real mom just got into contact with us to get back in his life 9 years later. I know he is a teenage boy and teenagers don't like their parents should I keep tying or do nothing and wait for him to come around? If i wait for him will he rather his real mom be his mom? My fear is if I try really hard and get a relationship going with him will my husband slip and start complaining again and ruin all progress? Should I take him somewhere fun with his friends as a start? What should i do?

  • #2
    First of all your entire family should grow the hell up and stop using a little child as their go-to person when they feel bad. This is downright harmful to any child.
    You need to set your foot down and demand they all (you included) stop including him in grown up matters. Nobody complains or talks bad about anyone in front of children (or preferably at all. Just fix your problems with the person you're angry at for god's sake).

    Now, for the complaining that has happened in the past - there's not much you can do about what has already been said and how it affected your relationship with your son. And at 13, he probably won't be open to having a nice heart to heart talk about your relationship.
    Just be yourself around him. Don't try too hard to gain his approval. However he feels about you, you're still his parent and you should act like it. Don't grant him favours so he'll like you again. Don't spoil him. Uphold the same household rules as always. You can't make him like you, but you can ask (demand) that certain polite rules are being followed. If you mother texts you and you're not in school, you answer. If you come home, you greet your family members. If you are spoken to, you reply respectfully.
    Be there for him, as you have been as his mother all this time. Give it time.

    In regards to his real mom, there's no predicting what will happen there. But him loving his real mom doesn't mean he has to stop loving you. He has room in his heart for both of you. As long as she has a good influence on him, you should allow and even encourage this relationship to grow if that's what he wants.
    In the end, kids always flock back to the person that educated and raised them, the one who had the biggest impact on their development and taught them the most skills. Often that's not the parent who tried to be their friend, but the one who enforced strict but fair rules.
    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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    • #3
      And stop calling him a kid.
      "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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      • #4
        I think you'd all do well to get yourself into Family Counseling. Its extremely inappropriate for a grown man to be going to a child to vent his romantic problems to. Its understandable though because I think his own mother did the same to him so now he's doing it to his son. Perpetual emotional child abuse on some scale, I'd say.

        Family therapy will help you all to get real about this. It should have taken place when the "kid" (grinz) was 5... well before puberty when he's going to be a pain due to the hormone surge alone.

        Good luck, its a shame that you've been good enough to take the child on as your own only to be made a villain.
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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        • #5
          It's between your husband and yourself. After all these years you're still with the same toxic man and ignored a dysfunctional relationship with your (informally adopted) son. It's incredulous that you're suddenly wondering all these questions. Why on earth have you taken on these relationships?

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          • #6
            How was YOUR relationship with your son all the years before he turned 13? Did you spend any time teaching him right and wrong? Did you teach him about money?

            The job of a teenager is to begin breaking away-emotionally and dependency-wise, from his parents. In your case, YOU are the only parent he's know since dad behaved more like a friend. Therefore, the breaking away process is only directed at you. Just because he's in the process doesn't mean he's permanently forgotten the 12 years you devoted to him nor the lessons you've taught him.

            Your job as his mother is to toughen up your heart to resist the barbs he throws your way and keep on teaching him, loving him, and talking to him. This will pass, and as long as you remain the parent he needs, he will love and respect you on the other side.

            His father, his birth-mother, his grandmother will all keep trying to be his friend and buy his affection. That doesn't serve him well and you can't let that keep you from doing your job.

            Hang in there mom.
            Last edited by Pollon; February 2nd, 2018, 08:23 AM.

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            • #7
              Completely agree with Pollon. Kids love discipline! His father it seems treated him like a friend through guilt?
              The fights I had with my mother in my teenage years !!!! And now in my 40's can barely go a day without talking to her even though we live opposite sides of the world! (Still couldn't live with her though lol )
              Dont worry so much. You are his primary carer and mother! Always will be!

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