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Having friends of the opposite sex whilst in a relationship

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  • Having friends of the opposite sex whilst in a relationship


  • #2
    Interesting topic for sure. I for one am running into this issue right now.

    So it "may" be possible but things have to be treated carefully. First off, the friendship cannot be a secret. If there is a lack of transparency, that will lead to a perception that the friendship is not on the up and up. If possible, ask your significant other to get to know your opposite sex friend (go for coffee, supper etc.). This way, that shroud of mystery is removed. I am in this situation right now, where my wife has been lying to me and has been seeing an old FWB behind my back for months. When I asked if I could tag along, I was shot down.

    Respect the feelings of your significant other. If they are not comfortable with your friend, respect that (if you are wanting your relationship to continue). By no means should you put your friend first and your significant other second. You may not agree with the feelings of your significant other, but you have to respect them. Take the time to understand why they are not comfortable with it and see if you can come to a solution where you keep your friend. If your significant other is the most important people in your life, then treat them that way.

    Not sure what anyone else things though., That's my "slightly biased" view of it.

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    • #3
      You were not exactly shot down. She just said she would feel uncomfortable because you knew that they had sex. If you had of explained to her that what happened in the past is no reason for her to feel uncomfortable because you don't care but you DO care about what is going on with them now, she probably would have let the meet happen. If she didn't let it happen, then I'd say she actually did shoot you down.

      As for the topic: When in a romantic, committed relationship the dynamics of any opposite sex friendship should change (IMO). No one-on-one date like activities, no leaving your S.O. to go hang alone with your friend, no lying to one another about meeting up, the OSF should be introduced to the S.O. and they too become friends. No spewing your emotional self all over your friend and discussing yours and your partners problems. Those are to be kept in house and if either of you have a problem you want to discuss with a friend, make it a same sex one. We all need friends after all to run things by... doing so with an OSF is how infatuation begins due to becoming emotionally vulnerable to that person.

      This bullshit of keeping an OSF to yourself while excluding your partner to hang out with them is what causes problems, doubts, insecurities in romantic relationships.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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      • #4
        ^^^^^This^^^^^

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        • #5
          I'm sure other people are comfortable with it but for me, I don't get together with male friends socially unless my husband is with me because that's what we prefer. I have nothing against other people who have friends of the opposite gender though. The only male person I meet for lunch or dinner is my brother. When there are males involved, it's generally couples and couples enjoying dinner out once in a while. My girlfriends have husbands so we go out as couples and it's fun. During other social occasions, I get together with my girlfriends every month for a walk and lunch. I would not approve of my husband meeting a woman socially and he doesn't because it's not done. That's not what we do, my mom never fraternized with men friends, my dad never met any women socially, neither did my in-laws. I guess it's how we are and we're more old school when it comes to that. Perhaps times are changing but it's not our way.
          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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          • #6
            The transparency is indeed key.
            I have a long-time friend who I consider one of my best friends. I've known him a lot longer than I've known my SO and I wouldn't like my friendship with him to be jeopardized because I'm now in a relationship.
            In order to avoid misunderstandings and to assure my SO doesn't feel insecure about the dynamics between us, I've mentioned my friend from the very beginning of the relationship, just as I'd mention my female friends.

            When I receive a text from him, I just open the chat while sitting next to my SO on the sofa. I don't explicitly show him the chats, but he could read along if he'd like. I tell him about conversations I've had with my friend in a casual way. Not because I have to justify myself, but just because I share most things I talk to my friends about with my SO.
            When I make plans with my friend, my SO knows he's always welcome to tag along without any specific reason. I've introduced the them and even though they are too different to become friends, they do get along.
            I do sometimes do things with my friend one-on-one, mostly because that's what we've always done and it would be strange to suddenly stop doing that. If there has never been a spark between us in all this time, I don't think it will suddenly appear.
            For example: my friend and I both play musical instruments. We've been playing music together for years, just random improv jam sessions, usually in my living room because we have the best set-up and accoustics. We still do that from time to time. Sometimes my SO is around and listens to us play. Other times we're home alone, but my roommates walk in and out of the house whenever they feel like it.

            Bottom line is, it's all about the vibe you give off to your SO. Being secretive is a recipe for disaster.

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            • #7
              Ayla, is your friend someone you slept with at one time? Because I think that's a whole different dynamic. There's no way I would accept my husband being friends with an old girlfriend or anyone he had been intimate with.
              Last edited by SarahLancaster; February 1st, 2018, 10:07 AM.
              "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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              • #8
                Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
                Ayla, is your friend someone you slept with at one time? Because I think that's a whole different dynamic. There's no way I would accept my husband being friends with an old girlfriend or anyone he had been intimate with.
                Obviously, that would indeed change the whole dynamic. It seems a bit disrespectful to your SO to continue those relationships.
                I wouldn't appreciate my SO staying in touch and being friendly with a former sexual partner, so I don't think I'd do that either.

                I guess there might be exceptions in some relationships, if both partners feel comfortable with it and set very clear boundaries.
                My parents have been divorced for 18 years, but have remained business partners. Although they are both remarried, they still stay in close contact every day to discuss business and topics related to their children. I suppose anyone who sees them together knows that there's no chance of them ever reconciling. My mom's husband is perfectly fine with the situation, but my dad's wife was suspicious for years.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
                  Ayla, is your friend someone you slept with at one time? Because I think that's a whole different dynamic. There's no way I would accept my husband being friends with an old girlfriend or anyone he had been intimate with.
                  Sarah, I have to say I agree completely with this statement. I am living that one right now.

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                  • #10
                    breener, why do you put up with it?
                    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
                      breener, why do you put up with it?
                      I am having the convo this weekend about it.

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                      • #12
                        Well, good luck, but you need to have a Plan B for when he refuses to change.
                        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
                          Well, good luck, but you need to have a Plan B for when he refuses to change.
                          Thanks. This is the second time she has done something like this and I told her that there will not be a third... so I know what I have to do if it doesn't change.

                          Cheers!

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                          • #14
                            I d9 bot believe married couples should hang out with the opposite sex unless the significant other is present. Foir sure you can have friends but temptation and misunderstanding need to be avoided

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