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Feel Like I'm Going Crazy

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  • Feel Like I'm Going Crazy

    Hello. My girlfriend and I have been dating for 3 years.

    Basic Info -
    We generally have a healthy relationship. We argue over stupid stuff sometimes just like every other couple. We still have great sex although it's not as frequent as it has been in the past. I attributed that to some female problems she was having previously but, they have subsided and it has not returned back to normal. We have a lot of fun together. We can have the best time in the world just sitting around talking, laughing our heads off.

    Info about me -
    I am generally a paranoid person as the result of a poor long-term relationship in the past and the divorce of my parents at an early age. This caused me to not be able to trust people and/or always get random thoughts that 'something' is happening to me behind my back. I am not the controlling type whatsoever.


    I'm not really sure how to start this off. I suppose I'm not sure if it is healthy for me mentally and emotionally to continue this relationship and I need some advice. Firstly, my girlfriend has never given me a reason to not trust her. She's incredibly sweet, kind, and thoughtful. Although, she went to a NYE party one time and I wasn't feeling up to it. I wasn't feeling good that night or something. I don't remember to be quite honest. She got extremely drunk and came home later in the night. This isn't a problem for me as I love it when she can go out and have fun with her friends without me. A random guy followed me on instagram and twitter shortly after. He messaged me, "hey." I replied back out of curiosity and thought nothing of it at the time. We began talking and he said he didn't realize that my girlfriend was my SO. He said something happened at the NYE party and of course I inquired to him about what happened. He was extremely vague about literally every question I asked. The most specific answer I got was, "I showed her my truck." Which in the south means, they had sex in his truck or he performed oral on him in his truck. he would not go into detail about anything at all and that was all I was left with. I asked her about it and to make a long story short she said this, "I told him 2-3 times that I had a boyfriend and even stated your name to him. (hence how he found my instagram/twitter, I guess) He forcefully kissed me and I pushed him off. Nothing else happened." He was extremely interested in my girlfriend and I can only assume he lied about everything he said because he wanted us to break up so he can try to get with her? I don't know. Because of my paranoid nature, this is very problematic for me. I randomly think about that night a lot, which isn't healthy.

    I gave her a promise ring awhile back, nothing too fancy. She wore it from time-to-time, as long as it went with whatever outfit she was wearing(lol). I didn't think anything of this. She eventually stopped wearing it all together. I asked why and she said that's it too fancy or something along those lines. It's true that she isn't a very 'flashy' person when it comes to clothes/jewelry. This hurt my feelings though and she knows it. I'm not a controlling or possessive person but of course I like it when she goes out in public and people obviously see that she has a SO. We've recently talked about getting engaged. I am definitely in love with her and could see myself spending the rest of my life with her. But, when we talk about getting engaged, she hates the idea of it. Since we're in Uni and we wouldn't plan on being married until we've graduated, she thinks it isn't a good idea to get engaged if there will be a long period of time before the wedding. She's always screenshotted rings she liked or made sure I knew what kind of rings she liked in the past. Although, the second I seriously asked her about it she said it wasn't a good idea. Is this because something is happening behind my back, she doesn't know if she wants to be with me, etc etc?

    We have a mutual friend, Bee. Bee has a very close friend named Hue. Hue seems like a nice guy but I've only met him one time. Hue recently received a large trust fund because of a death in his family. My girlfriend, Hue, along with all my other friends have hung out together so he's not just a random guy. He recently bought my girlfriend an expensive ticket to a music festival so she could go with him and a few of my close friends. I found this out through one of my friends asking me, "Hey you know your SO is going to music festival and Hue bought her the ticket?" I'm not entirely sure why she didn't tell me in the first place. I asked her about it and she said, "I wasn't even sure if I was going to go, I didn't think he was actually going to get the ticket. I'm thinking about telling him to sell it." With the information given and known to me, I'm not sure what to think about this. While I'm not controlling, we've been to music festivals before. Without breaking any TOS or going into specifics, they aren't "sober" experiences. Is Hue just really nice and bought my SO a ticket with the large amount of newly acquired funds he received? Does he have other motives? I don't know.

    A lot of these problems are caused because of my paranoia and inability to fully trust people. While I love to say that I fully trust my SO, I can't stop thinking about the things I've listed. Am I being paranoid as I've said, or are these genuine concerns? I'm sorry for the long story but I really needed to get these thoughts out of my head and into someone else's. Thank you for your time.


  • #2
    I donít think itís paranoia as much as it is your gut feeling telling you something. Regardless whether or not your gf was sober or not that canít justify her actions. Itís great that you trust her, but all the signs are pointing at deception. Yes it is possible for men and women to be friends, but itís not okay to go on dates with them. Do you get what Iím saying?

    Comment


    • #3
      I completely disagree with CD da man's take on all this.

      I don't think that your gf has given you any reason at all to have the ludicrous thoughts that you do.
      I think her response to being engaged for longer than necessary is absolutely logical.
      I think her story about NYE is completely believable, and the guy is just a shit disturber looking to get a rise out of you. (mission accomplished)

      Your frequency of intimacy could have everything or nothing to do with the 'female problems' your girl is having, but a simple, honest conversation about it should still any 'random' thoughts you may be having.

      As far as the concert tickets are concerned, I do think it was a little rude that Bee thought to purchase a ticket for your SO and not include you in it, however, it also doesn't cause me to think that there is an ulterior motive behind it. You said that you love it when she can go out with her friends and have a good time without you, so don't renig on your own words.

      I must add, that you blaming your parents' divorce at a young age, for any insecurities you have today, is a complete cop out. Children all over the world, including my own, deal with divorce daily, and unless your parents were complete assholes and neglectful of you after, it's a travesty that you would use that a reason for your inability to sustain a healthy relationship.

      I think what REALLY needs to happen here, is that you need to seek out counseling. You're in DESPERATE need of it.
      The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

      Comment


      • #4
        She's out of line. Trust your instincts. You're not paranoid. I convinced myself thousands of times when people were not who they really were (as they demonstrated themselves for exactly what they were). The fact that you're uncomfortable with your girlfriend's behaviours is reason enough to voice your concerns. I'd be pretty pissed off myself if I heard about some female chick buying tickets for my fiance assuming that he would want to go with her anywhere, even as a group. And I'd be very irritated knowing another woman kissed my partner. The problem is your girlfriend put herself in a position where she was talking to another man in a bar. Committed and levelheaded people don't do that. You either don't go to a bar, period. Or you don't act stupid. Don't be naive.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
          She's out of line. Trust your instincts. You're not paranoid. I convinced myself thousands of times when people were not who they really were (as they demonstrated themselves for exactly what they were). The fact that you're uncomfortable with your girlfriend's behaviours is reason enough to voice your concerns. I'd be pretty pissed off myself if I heard about some female chick buying tickets for my fiance assuming that he would want to go with her anywhere, even as a group. And I'd be very irritated knowing another woman kissed my partner. The problem is your girlfriend put herself in a position where she was talking to another man in a bar. Committed and levelheaded people don't do that. You either don't go to a bar, period. Or you don't act stupid. Don't be naive.
          Thank you for your comments. I realize she put herself in those situations but I don't want to sound controlling and voice concerns about her going out to the bar with girlfriends. How would I go about this and/or where should I go from here?

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by pistol View Post
            I completely disagree with CD da man's take on all this.

            I don't think that your gf has given you any reason at all to have the ludicrous thoughts that you do.
            I think her response to being engaged for longer than necessary is absolutely logical.
            I think her story about NYE is completely believable, and the guy is just a shit disturber looking to get a rise out of you. (mission accomplished)

            Your frequency of intimacy could have everything or nothing to do with the 'female problems' your girl is having, but a simple, honest conversation about it should still any 'random' thoughts you may be having.

            As far as the concert tickets are concerned, I do think it was a little rude that Bee thought to purchase a ticket for your SO and not include you in it, however, it also doesn't cause me to think that there is an ulterior motive behind it. You said that you love it when she can go out with her friends and have a good time without you, so don't renig on your own words.

            I must add, that you blaming your parents' divorce at a young age, for any insecurities you have today, is a complete cop out. Children all over the world, including my own, deal with divorce daily, and unless your parents were complete assholes and neglectful of you after, it's a travesty that you would use that a reason for your inability to sustain a healthy relationship.

            I think what REALLY needs to happen here, is that you need to seek out counseling. You're in DESPERATE need of it.
            Engaged for longer than necessary? Can you explain? I know mountains of people who were engaged for 1-4 years before getting married. Not to say that what everyone else does isn't the correct way to do things but I thought it was completely normal to be engaged for 1-4 years. After my serious asking her about engagement it just makes me think she maybe isn't even sure if she would want to marry me.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by CD da man View Post
              I donít think itís paranoia as much as it is your gut feeling telling you something. Regardless whether or not your gf was sober or not that canít justify her actions. Itís great that you trust her, but all the signs are pointing at deception. Yes it is possible for men and women to be friends, but itís not okay to go on dates with them. Do you get what Iím saying?
              Thank you for your comment. That's what im nervous about. At what point is it my gut telling me something is wrong or am I just over-thinking?

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by PsycheTraveler View Post

                Thank you for your comments. I realize she put herself in those situations but I don't want to sound controlling and voice concerns about her going out to the bar with girlfriends. How would I go about this and/or where should I go from here?
                You worry too much about how you sound or are perceived by others. Say it like it is. You don't want this pent up years down the road. If you're walking on eggshells worried about how your partner sees you and you're engaged you're in for a lot of trouble. You can voice your opinion, not squash it into the ground and pretend it doesn't exist. How do you both ever resolve any differences at all (characteristically speaking). Do you have to muster up this much courage at every point?
                Last edited by Rose Mosse; January 31st, 2018, 02:25 PM.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post

                  You worry too much about how you sound or are perceived by others. Say it like it is. You don't want this pent up years down the road. If you're walking on eggshells worried about how your partner sees you and you're engaged you're in for a lot of trouble. You can voice your opinion, not squash it into the ground and pretend it doesn't exist. How do you both ever resolve any differences at all (characteristically speaking). Do you have to muster up this much courage at every point?
                  If we ever have a problem with each other we just sit down and have a genuine conversation about it. We want things to work and work really hard to fix any problems we have. I just don't want to be like, "Because of all the stuff that has happened, you can no longer go out with your girlfriends." I know that's not the correct thing to do. So really, I'm just clueless as what I should do now.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by PsycheTraveler View Post

                    If we ever have a problem with each other we just sit down and have a genuine conversation about it. We want things to work and work really hard to fix any problems we have. I just don't want to be like, "Because of all the stuff that has happened, you can no longer go out with your girlfriends." I know that's not the correct thing to do. So really, I'm just clueless as what I should do now.
                    That's also not what I'm suggesting. You mentioned that you have genuine conversations. These are obviously mitigated or buffered by genuine feeling and emotion. If you are feeling uncomfortable about what happened while she was at the bar, you should say that. Apologize too for speaking to and entertaining some random conversation with a sabotaging third party. He had no business approaching you and he's looking for trouble out of maliciousness. There is no good intent there and if there is, it's childish and petty. You should have seen through that.

                    Ask her what she feels about the promise ring. Is sounds heinous for some reason. Did you pick an ugly amethyst colour that doesn't match anything or is it a cheap material that causes allergic outbreaks after a few hours? A woman who pulls promise rings off and on should have warranted questions a long time ago. Yet you're here loling about it. This tells me you either don't take yourself seriously or her seriously.

                    You seem like you have a growing list of concerns that you've refused to address about your dysfunctional relationship. She may be to blame for acting like a barely legal monkey at a bar. But not addressing all these issues as they came up is not entirely her fault either if it's bothering you.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post

                      That's also not what I'm suggesting. You mentioned that you have genuine conversations. These are obviously mitigated or buffered by genuine feeling and emotion. If you are feeling uncomfortable about what happened while she was at the bar, you should say that. Apologize too for speaking to and entertaining some random conversation with a sabotaging third party. He had no business approaching you and he's looking for trouble out of maliciousness. There is no good intent there and if there is, it's childish and petty. You should have seen through that.

                      Ask her what she feels about the promise ring. Is sounds heinous for some reason. Did you pick an ugly amethyst colour that doesn't match anything or is it a cheap material that causes allergic outbreaks after a few hours? A woman who pulls promise rings off and on should have warranted questions a long time ago. Yet you're here loling about it. This tells me you either don't take yourself seriously or her seriously.

                      You seem like you have a growing list of concerns that you've refused to address about your dysfunctional relationship. She may be to blame for acting like a barely legal monkey at a bar. But not addressing all these issues as they came up is not entirely her fault either if it's bothering you.
                      Thank you very much for opening my eyes a bit. And no it's just a regular ring that she LOVED at first and wore it consistently for about a year. Then all of a sudden I noticed I never saw it on her again.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        That is very painful. I would be hurt if I bought someone a ring and not just a JC Penney boxing day afterthought and they took it off after a year. Try to talk to her. She may have a few hurts too.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                          That is very painful. I would be hurt if I bought someone a ring and not just a JC Penney boxing day afterthought and they took it off after a year. Try to talk to her. She may have a few hurts too.
                          Will do. Thanks so much.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by pistol View Post
                            I completely disagree with CD da man's take on all this.

                            I don't think that your gf has given you any reason at all to have the ludicrous thoughts that you do.
                            I think her response to being engaged for longer than necessary is absolutely logical.
                            I think her story about NYE is completely believable, and the guy is just a shit disturber looking to get a rise out of you. (mission accomplished)

                            Your frequency of intimacy could have everything or nothing to do with the 'female problems' your girl is having, but a simple, honest conversation about it should still any 'random' thoughts you may be having.

                            As far as the concert tickets are concerned, I do think it was a little rude that Bee thought to purchase a ticket for your SO and not include you in it, however, it also doesn't cause me to think that there is an ulterior motive behind it. You said that you love it when she can go out with her friends and have a good time without you, so don't renig on your own words.

                            I must add, that you blaming your parents' divorce at a young age, for any insecurities you have today, is a complete cop out. Children all over the world, including my own, deal with divorce daily, and unless your parents were complete assholes and neglectful of you after, it's a travesty that you would use that a reason for your inability to sustain a healthy relationship.

                            I think what REALLY needs to happen here, is that you need to seek out counseling. You're in DESPERATE need of it.
                            Just found out she cheated on me before. Fuck you for making me believe the opposite. You don't deserve to be giving advice on this forum anymore. Fuck. Off.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by PsycheTraveler View Post

                              Just found out she cheated on me before. Fuck you for making me believe the opposite. You don't deserve to be giving advice on this forum anymore. Fuck. Off.
                              Lol
                              K
                              The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

                              Comment

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