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Been lied to twice over my wife seeing old boyfriends

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  • #31
    Originally posted by breener View Post
    .....Well I guess I don't want to come across as the jealous and controlling type and that I trust her. I know her last marriage was like that and she wasn't allowed to leave the house without taking a child with her..... and that is way over the top. I don't want to seem insecure, jealous, and controlling. ......
    There's a world of difference between controlling (telling your partner what they can do and not do) and being honest (telling your partner how their behavior makes you feel).

    And there's a world of difference between respecting your partner's feelings and relationships (by altering your behavior to demonstrate that respect) and becoming defensive and manipulative (by turning the tables on your partner with accusations of insecurity and being controlling).

    And there is a world of difference between meeting with a friend of the opposite sex (not that you should) and meeting with a former love--with whom you've crossed a BIG intimacy boundary.

    What you say is,

    "...Secretly meeting with your former lover has truly shaken my trust in you and our relationship. I feel disrespected and betrayed. For me to truly believe that you value me and our relationship, I would need to believe that you would put my feelings and the safety of our relationship above all else. Continuing to communicate with your former lover undermines my faith in us....."

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    • #32
      Originally posted by breener View Post

      Yes lying is in deed a hard thing to overcome... added to the fact that this was the second time I have been lied to about meeting an old boyfriend is unsettling to say the least.

      See.... that's my fear about lying... she is just going to get smarter and cover her tracks more.... so get this; She gets off work at 12:00 on Fridays and usually heads home. Well on this one Friday, she went to IKEA and sent me a picture of a frame asking me if I liked it. At the time it really didn't stand out.... but this past weekend when we were fighting over her FWB friend, I asked her if she sent that picture to me to prove to me that she was there.... and she said yes. She said that she wasn't sure if I believed her that she was really going to IKEA so she sent it. That caught me as a bit odd.... she is trying to prove her trustworthiness by sending me pictures of her whereabouts....

      What do you make of this?
      She's too complicated, into mind games and head trips. She's a no go. You deserve better.
      "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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      • #33
        Originally posted by chanelle View Post

        She's too complicated, into mind games and head trips. She's a no go. You deserve better.
        Thanks Chanelle! I don't like the games but I have to at least try to see if we can talk about it. Maybe counseling will solve things.

        I do agree that I deserve better.... and I hope that something comes out of this and the situation improves.

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        • #34
          So ???

          Were you able to address your concerns this weekend ?
          The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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          • #35
            Originally posted by breener View Post

            Thanks Chanelle! I don't like the games but I have to at least try to see if we can talk about it. Maybe counseling will solve things.

            I do agree that I deserve better.... and I hope that something comes out of this and the situation improves.
            Yes, try professional marriage counseling. This needs to be addressed by a pro.
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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            • #36
              Originally posted by pistol View Post
              So ???

              Were you able to address your concerns this weekend ?
              Hey Pistol,

              Yes we were able to talk.... I have been down for a couple of days ill (I think the stress took its toll).

              So we talked a lot and she seems deeply saddened at the amount of hurt this caused and said she won't engage in any communication at all with FWB buddy. She doesn't know why that relationship was so important that it led her to lie and calculate being deceitful. I think she "deep down" knows but isn't going to express why.

              We talked about counseling and we will revisit that this weekend when the house is a little more quiet.

              She's now going through a bout of insomnia so that has been tough... not too sure where that has come from.

              Not out of the words yet.,

              Thanks for checking in!!!!!

              B.

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              • #37
                Originally posted by chanelle View Post

                Yes, try professional marriage counseling. This needs to be addressed by a pro.
                Hello Chanelle,

                Yes I have mentioned it. Will talk again about it this weekend.

                Thanks for your opinion.
                b.

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                • #38
                  I wouldn't look too deeply into the insomnia. The last thing you both need right now, is anymore speculations or distrust.

                  I'm really glad to read that you aired your concerns, and that they were met with such acceptance.
                  I hope that she continues to honor her word and no longer engage in any communication with him. Trust that she will.

                  All the best
                  The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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                  • #39
                    Originally posted by breener View Post

                    Hey Pistol,

                    Yes we were able to talk.... I have been down for a couple of days ill (I think the stress took its toll).

                    So we talked a lot and she seems deeply saddened at the amount of hurt this caused and said she won't engage in any communication at all with FWB buddy. She doesn't know why that relationship was so important that it led her to lie and calculate being deceitful. I think she "deep down" knows but isn't going to express why.

                    We talked about counseling and we will revisit that this weekend when the house is a little more quiet.

                    She's now going through a bout of insomnia so that has been tough... not too sure where that has come from.

                    Not out of the words yet.,

                    Thanks for checking in!!!!!

                    B.
                    Glad you actually told her how her actions were making you feel. Too many people are far too worried about looking controlling but when it comes to romantic relationship boundaries.. you both have to be on the same page or mistrust,over thinking and other negativity will lead to marital breakdown.
                    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                    Comment

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