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Been lied to twice over my wife seeing old boyfriends

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  • #16
    Originally posted by breener View Post

    Well the fact that she wanted more and he didn't want to be the responsibility with her having kids is pretty shallow. I mentioned that to her that he seems shallow that he was Ok using her for sex but not wanting a relationship with her.
    ... and she responded with?

    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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    • #17
      Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post

      ... and she responded with?
      Oh he's not like that.... he's a nice guy and we have a lot in common. We were at different places back then and we wanted different things.
      Last edited by breener; January 30th, 2018, 04:54 PM.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by breener View Post

        So this is the thing that gets me and my mind cramped.... we talk about having no kids around often.... and talk about retirement. We talk about buying a retirement property in Hawaii.... We have made vacation plans for June, August and October. We still have great sex, we joke to the kids about playing naked Rock Band..... so things "seem" to be Ok..... but then this gets thrown into the mix.

        I am going to suggest that we see a counsellor, especially since on Saturday she said that she is worried/insecure that I will dump her and get together with my "extremely hot friend" friend Andrea.... yet she thinks I should be OK with her having coffee with a former FWB and lying about it..... major disconnect there.

        THANKS FOR THE LEVITY AS WELL...... *chuckle*
        I'll be honest, I was a little surprised to read this response from you.
        It sounds like, for the most part, that you guys have a healthy, viable and 'fun' relationship with one another.
        Maybe she thinks that because you DO share this kind of relationship, that her lying and wanting to have coffee dates with her old fuck buddy, should be okay (?)

        I'm being entirely facetious there.

        However, if your relationship IS as you describe, it should be absolutely nothing at all for you to request all we've suggested, and how it makes you feel, because it SHOULD be received very well by her. And stopped immediately.


        BTW, her throwing that comment out about your hot friend, is revealing something about her. Not necessarily an insecurity, and although there may be nothing behind it, it almost sounds to me like she's saying "If you can have a hot friend, than I can have coffee and secret texts with an old FWB"

        Anyway, let us know how things progress.
        We'd like to hear back that it all went well, but will be here for future venting and advice if needed
        The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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        • #19
          Originally posted by breener View Post

          Oh he's not like that.... he's a nice guy and we have a lot in common.
          O.M.G. What does she have in common with him other then a sexual history for goodness sakes. It's not like they've known one another since childhood. It's not like they actually dated. All they did was have sex.

          She is getting some sort of validation by knowing that he'd still do her (if he's not already).

          I suggest you let her know how her continuing contact with him (by any means) is making you feel, that if the situation were reversed you would give up any contact so that she would know how you value her. Then leave that information with her and if she starts making any excuses (at all) why she should still continue to see him and chat with him electronically then you just tell her "I've told you how it makes me feel already" and say nothing more. Just keep repeating.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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          • #20
            Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post

            O.M.G. What does she have in common with him other then a sexual history for goodness sakes. It's not like they've known one another since childhood. It's not like they actually dated. All they did was have sex.

            She is getting some sort of validation by knowing that he'd still do her (if he's not already).

            I suggest you let her know how her continuing contact with him (by any means) is making you feel, that if the situation were reversed you would give up any contact so that she would know how you value her. Then leave that information with her and if she starts making any excuses (at all) why she should still continue to see him and chat with him electronically then you just tell her "I've told you how it makes me feel already" and say nothing more. Just keep repeating.
            According to her, it started off as a friendship, turned to FWB, she wanted a relationship, he said no, reverted back for friends......

            So I wonder what FWB thinks when she presents herself back in the picture? Sure he's supposedly married with kids but you don't know what his intentions are.... and if they (him and her) are closely aligned (she is looking for attention and he is game to provide it), things could turn ugly.

            I think you nailed it when you said "She is getting some sort of validation by knowing that he'd still do her (if he's not already)."

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            • #21
              Originally posted by pistol View Post
              BTW, her throwing that comment out about your hot friend, is revealing something about her. Not necessarily an insecurity, and although there may be nothing behind it, it almost sounds to me like she's saying "If you can have a hot friend, than I can have coffee and secret texts with an old FWB"
              Well I told her that she has NOTHING to fear with "Andrea" as that's the furthest from my intention, interest, or desire. I reassured my wife that I am with her and that is the only person that matters.

              Will broach the subject of her FWB again. Do you suggest to do it now or when he reaches out to her again? It was supposedly 5 months since his last test. Maybe after our talk this weekend she will stop as she knows how I feel.

              I am gonna assume that your answer will be "do it now."

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              • #22
                Excellent assumption
                The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by pistol View Post
                  Excellent assumption
                  Well I might not be THAT stupid after all......

                  Thank you once again.

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                  • #24
                    No, you're not off your rocker. Lying is a real deal breaker in my book. You can never trust liars because they either get smarter by covering their tracks better in the future or they continue to lie chronically and habitually. It becomes a sickness. If there isn't full trust in any relationship, the relationship is dead.
                    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                    • #25
                      To me it sounds like you need to have a discussion with her to end all other discussions. Does this bother you? Yes! Should it? YES! Itís not ok. Iím not for ultimatums usually but at this point if it were me, Iíd say never see/talk to him again or itís over. Your relationship otherwise sounds great therefore the trust should be there for both of you to have this open conversation and not have it be the end hopefully but right now it sounds like sheís choosing her ex FWB over her current husband and thatís obviously not ok. You should be her priority and you have a right to feel that way too.

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                      • #26
                        Originally posted by chanelle View Post
                        No, you're not off your rocker. Lying is a real deal breaker in my book. You can never trust liars because they either get smarter by covering their tracks better in the future or they continue to lie chronically and habitually. It becomes a sickness. If there isn't full trust in any relationship, the relationship is dead.
                        Yes lying is in deed a hard thing to overcome... added to the fact that this was the second time I have been lied to about meeting an old boyfriend is unsettling to say the least.

                        See.... that's my fear about lying... she is just going to get smarter and cover her tracks more.... so get this; She gets off work at 12:00 on Fridays and usually heads home. Well on this one Friday, she went to IKEA and sent me a picture of a frame asking me if I liked it. At the time it really didn't stand out.... but this past weekend when we were fighting over her FWB friend, I asked her if she sent that picture to me to prove to me that she was there.... and she said yes. She said that she wasn't sure if I believed her that she was really going to IKEA so she sent it. That caught me as a bit odd.... she is trying to prove her trustworthiness by sending me pictures of her whereabouts....

                        What do you make of this?

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                        • #27
                          Originally posted by Cassia View Post
                          To me it sounds like you need to have a discussion with her to end all other discussions. Does this bother you? Yes! Should it? YES! Itís not ok. Iím not for ultimatums usually but at this point if it were me, Iíd say never see/talk to him again or itís over. Your relationship otherwise sounds great therefore the trust should be there for both of you to have this open conversation and not have it be the end hopefully but right now it sounds like sheís choosing her ex FWB over her current husband and thatís obviously not ok. You should be her priority and you have a right to feel that way too.
                          What really confuses me is that since she is insecure and jealous, how it wouldn't dawn on her to reflect and realize how would she feel if the tables were turned..... well, I guess she sort of did because that was her excuse for lying. She told me that if she were me, she'd be hurt so she lied about it. How's that for convoluted thinking? So, if I did it to her, she'd be hurt so..... she said that she is going to do it anyway and lie about it. That was the point that she put FWB ahead of me and is almost the smoking gun that it was not as innocent as she has made it out to be. Now I am not one that thinks I have to be the centre of attention (far from that), but I believe her husband should be more important than a friendship. This is why I have stopped communicating with my friend that I had that hour long conversation with. I know how that made my wife feel so I stopped all forms of communication.

                          She has turned out to be someone that I am having a very hard time understanding and respecting to a point. I am completely baffled that someone would willingly lie and cover up tracks multiple times, especially if she knew deep down what she was doing was wrong. It was a conscious choice to lie, be deceitful and calculated in her actions. I mean she would have had to plan meetings, delete communications, meet and lie to cover it up. THAT SCARES ME A LOT.

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                          • #28
                            Did you have a conversation with her last night ?
                            The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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                            • #29
                              Originally posted by pistol View Post
                              Did you have a conversation with her last night ?
                              Nope, that will be Friday or Saturday night. I was out last night and so was she.... and I didn't get home until after 10:00.

                              I really don't want to do it when my kids are around (we get them every other week and Friday is the start of the week back with us) but this can't wait...... I had a very hard time even looking at her today and I hardly slept.

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                              • #30
                                Originally posted by breener View Post

                                What really confuses me is that since she is insecure and jealous, how it wouldn't dawn on her to reflect and realize how would she feel if the tables were turned.....
                                She's not thinking that way because of you not telling her you don't want her hanging out with him... You asked her what she would like to do so she told you. Had you told her that you didn't want her hanging out with him, she would have stopped hanging out with him. People who don't want to hear an answer they might not like, do NOT ask the question. She asked you and you were to proud to tell her to cut out the crap. That's on you, not her.

                                well, I guess she sort of did because that was her excuse for lying. She told me that if she were me, she'd be hurt so she lied about it.
                                Which very well could be the truth. She DID however, when confronted asked you if you wanted her to stop seeing him but you didn't tell her that you wanted that.

                                How's that for convoluted thinking?
                                Right back at you, Breener. You're just being passive and expecting her to do what you would do.... well, people are not the same and clearly she needs to be INFORMED of your romantic relationship boundary. So do it this weekend and tell her what you would like to see happen. Let the chips fall where they may.

                                So, if I did it to her, she'd be hurt so..... she said that she is going to do it anyway and lie about it. That was the point that she put FWB ahead of me and is almost the smoking gun that it was not as innocent as she has made it out to be.
                                Ya, you keep saying that over and over again. How about you try to put an end to this THING that has you all consumed and instead of expecting her to think like you do, you tell her outright to do what you would do? Please don't come back with something like "I shouldn't have to tell her" It's obvious that she does need to be told.

                                Now I am not one that thinks I have to be the centre of attention (far from that), but I believe her husband should be more important than a friendship.
                                Yes, well in her mind you are more important and this is just coffee so spell it out to her for christ sakes.

                                This is why I have stopped communicating with my friend that I had that hour long conversation with. I know how that made my wife feel so I stopped all forms of communication.
                                Ya well, your wife doesn't know how you feel because you haven't been honest with her.

                                She has turned out to be someone that I am having a very hard time understanding and respecting to a point. I am completely baffled that someone would willingly lie and cover up tracks multiple times, especially if she knew deep down what she was doing was wrong.
                                So she's naive (dare I say stupid) Fix it by being honest with her and let her know that you want it stopped.

                                It was a conscious choice to lie, be deceitful and calculated in her actions. I mean she would have had to plan meetings, delete communications, meet and lie to cover it up. THAT SCARES ME A LOT.
                                So What? If you're so scared then make sure she knows you are and if she won't give him up and go zero contact after that then you have reason to be scared because then you'll have to stop all of this talking and actually have to make a decision as to whether or not your wife is just stupid or she values you enough to stop seeing her fuck buddy.

                                Let us know what she says when you finally be honest and open with her. Your unvoiced expectations of her aren't doing anything to alleviate your fears.
                                Last edited by phasesofthemoon; January 31st, 2018, 04:00 PM.
                                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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