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  • Been lied to twice over my wife seeing old boyfriends

    I have been with my wife for over 10 years (7 of them married) and she has lied to me two times about seeing old boyfriends. This last time, she made up this huge lie on what she was doing after work and it ended up that she was having coffee with an old "friend with benefits." I caught her in the lie (had a gut feeling something wasn't right) and we seem to have worked it out. The fact that this sort of thing has happened two times makes me leery. The other time I found out that she was meeting an old boyfriend conveniently when I was out of town.

    The last time, I was devastated because I pour everything into our marriage and am not the controlling type at all. She told me that she lied to me because everything was innocent and it was just coffee (found out it was 3 or 4 times in the span of 4 months) and she didn't want to hurt me or make me feel jealous. They would text a few times a month but she told me that she deleted all their texts (she thought I go through her phone, where as I had no reason to and completely trusted her). So she says that it is all innocent, yet she took the time to delete the texts (no proof of innocence) and lied to me about what she was doing on more than one occasion.

    She told me that she loves me (deep down I believe that) and that she would tell me if he contacts her again. She promised me that she wouldn't initiate but if he contacted her, she wouldn't be rude and blow him off (they have known each other for 17 + years). So the other day, she gets a "hi how are you" text from him and she tells me. Well, those devastated feelings I had when I caught her all came rushing back. We have fought over this over the last couple of days. I told her that I am putting my trust in her (she was pretty devastated as well that she hurt me so badly) because I see and feel how she feels.... so it is an interesting situation. Plus she has way more free time than I do and I can't spend time and energy always wondering or worrying where she is and what she is doing.

    She said that ultimately she doesn't want to give up her friendship with him (supposedly he is married with young kids) but it makes me uncomfortable. She says that she married me and that she loves me and doesn't want anyone else (I 99.9% believe that). But why does she want to continue with this friendship and why did she go through all this deception to keep it hidden? Her answer was as I said above, that she didn't want to hurt me and make me jealous (not the jealous type anyway).

    So.... what are some of your perspectives? Should this make me feel uncomfortable? Would you allow it? I for one have never been the "do as I tell" type of person..... but the thought of her having coffee with an old "friend with benefits" that she kept very well hidden and covered up with lies, makes me uncomfortable.

    Am I off my rocker?

  • #2
    Originally posted by breener View Post
    I have been with my wife for over 10 years (7 of them married) and she has lied to me two times about seeing old boyfriends. This last time, she made up this huge lie on what she was doing after work and it ended up that she was having coffee with an old "friend with benefits." I caught her in the lie (had a gut feeling something wasn't right) and we seem to have worked it out.

    I beg to differ on that.


    The last time, I was devastated because I pour everything into our marriage and am not the controlling type at all. She told me that she lied to me because everything was innocent and it was just coffee (found out it was 3 or 4 times in the span of 4 months)

    If it was 'just coffee', then why lie ?? Strike 1

    and she didn't want to hurt me or make me feel jealous. They would text a few times a month but she told me that she deleted all their texts (she thought I go through her phone, where as I had no reason to and completely trusted her). So she says that it is all innocent, yet she took the time to delete the texts (no proof of innocence) and lied to me about what she was doing on more than one occasion.

    Aside from surprise party plans, or anything meant to be a loving gesture for your significant other, there shouldn't ever be a thread of texts on your spouse's phone that you shouldn't (if you asked) be privy to. Strike 2

    She told me that she loves me (deep down I believe that) and that she would tell me if he contacts her again. She promised me that she wouldn't initiate but if he contacted her, she wouldn't be rude and blow him off (they have known each other for 17 + years). So the other day, she gets a "hi how are you" text from him and she tells me. Well, those devastated feelings I had when I caught her all came rushing back. We have fought over this over the last couple of days. I told her that I am putting my trust in her (she was pretty devastated as well that she hurt me so badly) because I see and feel how she feels.... so it is an interesting situation. Plus she has way more free time than I do and I can't spend time and energy always wondering or worrying where she is and what she is doing.

    "She wouldn't be rude and blow him off" ???? I don't give a flying fuck if they've known each other for 37+ years. They were once FWB, and now SHE'S MARRIED. FWB don't hang out with each other because they connect on an emotional level. It's for the complete opposite reason of that. They get to have sex with one another with no strings attached. Hello ???? Strike 3.

    She said that ultimately she doesn't want to give up her friendship with him (supposedly he is married with young kids) but it makes me uncomfortable. She says that she married me and that she loves me and doesn't want anyone else (I 99.9% believe that). But why does she want to continue with this friendship and why did she go through all this deception to keep it hidden? Her answer was as I said above, that she didn't want to hurt me and make me jealous (not the jealous type anyway).

    She likes the attention. He brings her back to a time in her life where she could get laid and have no other commitment to him. Her attempt to keep all this hidden is a HUGE red flag ! You're not foolish to have suspicion here.

    So.... what are some of your perspectives? Should this make me feel uncomfortable? Would you allow it? I for one have never been the "do as I tell" type of person..... but the thought of her having coffee with an old "friend with benefits" that she kept very well hidden and covered up with lies, makes me uncomfortable.

    Am I off my rocker?
    No, you're not off your rocker.....SHE is.
    Yep, this should make you feel entirely uncomfortable, and that alone should deter her from acknowledging this guy any further. Period
    .
    The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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    • #3
      Thanks for the insight Pistol.

      I have even asked to tag along the next time they have coffee and I was shot down. My wife said that would make her feel uncomfortable knowing that I knew that they used to have sex......

      So her story to me (I think to justify things in her mind) is: They met at a bar and were friends that turned into a FWB situation. She wanted a relationship and he did not. His reason was that she had two young kids at home and he didn't want the responsibility of that.... so the FWB ended but they remained friends. She lost touch with him after we got together (wasn't something I asked for.... she did it on her own and I wasn't even aware she had male friends she dropped). She was out one night last year and she thought she saw him so she initiated contact with a text..... that lead to text conversations (all deleted I guess.... I never checked her phone as she thought I did). She then asked if he wanted to meet for coffee.... and then they met 3 more times in the span of 4 months. All 4 times she lied about it and what she was doing and made sure to delete all records of their meeting.

      So..... I am a bit alarmed at this all.....
      Last edited by breener; January 30th, 2018, 02:31 PM.

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      • #4
        As you SHOULD be.

        So, after not seeing or having any contact with him for years, she thinks she sees him one night and initiates a text.
        The FIRST question I would have for her is "Why do you still have/know his number ?

        So WHAT if she thought she saw him ?
        Women/men in happy, satisfying, loving and committed relationships/marriages, do not keep ex lovers phone numbers AND text them when they "think they saw them" wherever the hell she thinks she did.
        I call COMPLETE bullshit on the whole thing.

        You asking her to knock off her inappropriate behavior, is the absolute FIRST next step here.
        If there is nothing going on, and it's as innocent as she keeps insisting, there should be literally ZERO rebuttal from her.

        If she tells you that she knows she shouldn't have told you because it would make you jealous, ask her how it would make her feel if you started having secret coffee dates with an old fuck girlfriend, and didn't tell her for the same reason.
        If she tells you that she'd be okay with it, she's full of crap.

        Let's say, for the sake of argument, that this IS all innocent.
        It's a fact that most extra-marital affairs start from 'innocent' encounters.

        This is not okay, breener, and you need to nip this in the bud.....now.
        The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

        Comment


        • #5
          I have even asked to tag along the next time they have coffee and I was shot down. My wife said that would make her feel uncomfortable knowing that I knew that they used to have sex......
          I think you need to have this conversation again and if after you've told her that you don't care about the past, it's the present and what she is doing now is what is making you feel "uncomfortable" and she still doesn't let you "tag along" then I'd be having some serious doubts about what they are up to when they are having those "coffees." I'd be asking her straight out to stop having date like meetings with him without you present.

          She's crossing romantic relationship boundaries big time. (IMO)
          Last edited by phasesofthemoon; January 30th, 2018, 03:02 PM.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

          Comment


          • #6
            Completely agree with everything already said/insight. You mentioned you were with her for a small number of years before getting married and you've been together awhile. Did she just start taking an interest in her past or has she always had that play-with-fire type personality (reckless)?

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by pistol View Post
              As you SHOULD be.

              So, after not seeing or having any contact with him for years, she thinks she sees him one night and initiates a text.
              The FIRST question I would have for her is "Why do you still have/know his number ?

              Yes I have no idea who she has as contacts in her phone... and I didn't even this person existed until I caught her. I don't have any ex's numbers on my phone.

              So WHAT if she thought she saw him ?
              Women/men in happy, satisfying, loving and committed relationships/marriages, do not keep ex lovers phone numbers AND text them when they "think they saw them" wherever the hell she thinks she did.
              I call COMPLETE bullshit on the whole thing.

              Yes I agree..... she is looking for something here. Excitement? Proof that she is still desirable? A "look at what you gave up" message.... again, everything that someone in a happy and committed relationship shouldn't need.

              You asking her to knock off her inappropriate behavior, is the absolute FIRST next step here.
              If there is nothing going on, and it's as innocent as she keeps insisting, there should be literally ZERO rebuttal from her.

              So, telling her to stop? She even said that she wants to continue with it "because it is innocent" and if I tell her to stop, I can see that leading to resentment...... Saying that she needs to be transparent going forward isn't enough? I'd have to say knowing their history and the great deal of deception she went through, allowing them to have coffee with my awareness still would make me feel uncomfortable.... hate to admit it but I am really not the jealous type.

              If she tells you that she knows she shouldn't have told you because it would make you jealous, ask her how it would make her feel if you started having secret coffee dates with an old fuck girlfriend, and didn't tell her for the same reason.
              If she tells you that she'd be okay with it, she's full of crap.

              Oh I know full well what her reaction would be. I have a female friend I confided in when this all went down (I wanted a female perspective - the guy perspective I got was "kick her to the curb"). I talked to her on the phone for an hour about it. My wife went through my phone and asked who Andrea was and why did I talk to her for an hour??? So it is now my fault that I talked to a woman about something SHE started???? I also had a friend request on Facebook from Andrea that I have not accepted because I know how that would make my wife feel. 3 days ago my wife said to me that she is "scared that I will dump her and get together with Andrea because she is incredibly hot"......... so not even remotely close to reality here. I have NOOOO interest in anyone other than my wife.

              Let's say, for the sake of argument, that this IS all innocent.
              It's a fact that most extra-marital affairs start from 'innocent' encounters.

              Yes that is a fear.... if things haven't turned physical, I wouldn't doubt that my wife would want it to go that way. Why initiate contact and suggest meeting up? This was all HER actions and he is "playing along." I am curious if buddy's wife knows he is meeting women for coffee?

              This is not okay, breener, and you need to nip this in the bud.....now.
              I am so sick to my stomach over this.... I can't believe that this is happening. I feel so betrayed and I am having a really hard time trusting her and I can't be in a relationship with someone I cannot trust.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                Completely agree with everything already said/insight. You mentioned you were with her for a small number of years before getting married and you've been together awhile. Did she just start taking an interest in her past or has she always had that play-with-fire type personality (reckless)?
                No she has always been cautious and not overly reckless. She is at the point where her son is getting ready to move out (her daughter already has), so maybe it is a mid-life thing? Maybe it is that she was a single mother raising two kids all by herself and she didn't get to feel free and do what she wants..... or for years she was known as B & B's mom.... and now they are gone she is looking for an identity..... to get to her youth.... I have NO FREAKING CLUE.....

                Comment


                • #9
                  Then say those PRECISE words to her:
                  I am so sick to my stomach over this.... I can't believe that this is happening. I feel so betrayed and I am having a really hard time trusting you and I can't be in a relationship with someone I cannot trust.

                  If what she says is true, that she married you and that she loves you and doesn't want anyone else, then you asking her to no longer initiate or participate in dialogue or interaction that makes you uncomfortable (and let's be friggen honest here. It's far more than making you feel 'uncomfortable') should get you nothing more than a response from her of "Done. I would never want to do anything that jeopardizes our marriage or your trust of me in any way. I won't see or speak to him again"

                  Prepare yourself for the opposite reaction as well though. For her accusing you of being insecure, jealous or distrusting. Should she get defensive or if the argument becomes heated, especially her reaction to your 'request', it's a sure sign that her intentions are NOT innocent and perhaps, some of what you said to Rose above, is true.
                  If any of the above could be factors, as pathetic as they are, it still warrants a discussion, because her answer to not feeling that way, is NOT to seek out another man to fix it.

                  This is when she should be looking to you with excitement in her eyes that you guys will soon be able to walk naked through the house , with no kids around (just wanted to try and make you chuckle there)
                  The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by pistol View Post
                    Then say those PRECISE words to her:
                    I am so sick to my stomach over this.... I can't believe that this is happening. I feel so betrayed and I am having a really hard time trusting you and I can't be in a relationship with someone I cannot trust.
                    She is quite aware of how this has made me feel. When we talked about it on Friday, she started to cry because she hated how much she hurt me.... so keep doing it?????

                    If what she says is true, that she married you and that she loves you and doesn't want anyone else, then you asking her to no longer initiate or participate in dialogue or interaction that makes you uncomfortable (and let's be friggen honest here. It's far more than making you feel 'uncomfortable') should get you nothing more than a response from her of "Done. I would never want to do anything that jeopardizes our marriage or your trust of me in any way. I won't see or speak to him again"

                    So she said to me "do you want me to tell him to leave me alone?" I didn't want to bite (I have always thought that if you give people a choice, they will, most of the time, choose what they want and not what they "should), so I asked her what she wanted and that's when she said that she wanted to keep friends with him. I thought that was a pretty clear message sadly enough.

                    Prepare yourself for the opposite reaction as well though. For her accusing you of being insecure, jealous or distrusting. Should she get defensive or if the argument becomes heated, especially her reaction to your 'request', it's a sure sign that her intentions are NOT innocent and perhaps, some of what you said to Rose above, is true.
                    If any of the above could be factors, as pathetic as they are, it still warrants a discussion, because her answer to not feeling that way, is NOT to seek out another man to fix it.

                    If she has that reaction, I will bring up her conversation we had about how she was jealous over Andrea (not her real name) about something that was so far from reality or possibility... or desire.

                    This is when she should be looking to you with excitement in her eyes that you guys will soon be able to walk naked through the house , with no kids around (just wanted to try and make you chuckle there)
                    So this is the thing that gets me and my mind cramped.... we talk about having no kids around often.... and talk about retirement. We talk about buying a retirement property in Hawaii.... We have made vacation plans for June, August and October. We still have great sex, we joke to the kids about playing naked Rock Band..... so things "seem" to be Ok..... but then this gets thrown into the mix.

                    I am going to suggest that we see a counsellor, especially since on Saturday she said that she is worried/insecure that I will dump her and get together with my "extremely hot friend" friend Andrea.... yet she thinks I should be OK with her having coffee with a former FWB and lying about it..... major disconnect there.

                    THANKS FOR THE LEVITY AS WELL...... *chuckle*
                    Last edited by breener; January 30th, 2018, 04:17 PM.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                      I think you need to have this conversation again and if after you've told her that you don't care about the past, it's the present and what she is doing now is what is making you feel "uncomfortable" and she still doesn't let you "tag along" then I'd be having some serious doubts about what they are up to when they are having those "coffees." I'd be asking her straight out to stop having date like meetings with him without you present.

                      She's crossing romantic relationship boundaries big time. (IMO)
                      Well that is what I said about the text messages.... why delete them if that were only talking re-modelling, sports, and vacations? I mean, even if I DID look through her phone and saw that, I wouldn't be alarmed.... but the fact that she deleted them leads me to think they aren't as innocent as she is making them. Mt thinks you doth protest too much.....

                      And going through GREAT measures hiding coffee, the effort does not equal the given intent here.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        So she said to me "do you want me to tell him to leave me alone?" I didn't want to bite (I have always thought that if you give people a choice, they will, most of the time, choose what they want and not what they "should), so I asked her what she wanted and that's when she said that she wanted to keep friends with him. I thought that was a pretty clear message sadly enough.


                        Why are you so reluctant to just tell her what you're telling us. You are basically enabling her to meet up with him due to your reluctance to just tell her that you don't want her to be going on dates with her fuck buddy? Spell it out to her and if she is so resentful that she can't fathom why you would want her to do such a thing then marriage counselling isn't going to help this marriage. You must be honest with one another if you want this to be fixed. You're not communicating to her (so she gets it) how much her behaviour is hurting you. You didn't even come back with anything when she said she would feel uncomfortable with you tagging along next time.. (at least not that you've mentioned). If you didn't, why didn't you continue that conversation until she either stopped meeting him or introduced you to him? What romantic relationship boundaries does she expect you to adhere to that she herself does not is what you should be getting on board with one another about.
                        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Further my above post: This guy only wanted to be with her for sex. Surely she thinks more of herself then to be meeting up with someone that only wanted to bone her??? He is NO friend.
                          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                            [/I][/B]

                            Why are you so reluctant to just tell her what you're telling us. You are basically enabling her to meet up with him due to your reluctance to just tell her that you don't want her to be going on dates with her fuck buddy? Spell it out to her and if she is so resentful that she can't fathom why you would want her to do such a thing then marriage counselling isn't going to help this marriage. You must be honest with one another if you want this to be fixed. You're not communicating to her (so she gets it) how much her behaviour is hurting you. You didn't even come back with anything when she said she would feel uncomfortable with you tagging along next time.. (at least not that you've mentioned). If you didn't, why didn't you continue that conversation until she either stopped meeting him or introduced you to him? What romantic relationship boundaries does she expect you to adhere to that she herself does not is what you should be getting on board with one another about.
                            Well I guess I don't want to come across as the jealous and controlling type and that I trust her. I know her last marriage was like that and she wasn't allowed to leave the house without taking a child with her..... and that is way over the top. I don't want to seem insecure, jealous, and controlling. Maybe she is taking advantage of that.

                            My response to her saying it would be uncomfortable was this: I asked her why it would make her feel weird and she said that she would feel strange that I was talking with someone with the knowledge that they used to have sex. I said that it wouldn't bother me because that was in her past and I wasn't going to pretend that the earth didn't exist before I came along. The past is the past.... I can't say anything about that nor control that. I told her that the past was what shaped her as a person. The same person that I fell in love with.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                              Further my above post: This guy only wanted to be with her for sex. Surely she thinks more of herself then to be meeting up with someone that only wanted to bone her??? He is NO friend.
                              Well the fact that she wanted more and he didn't want to be the responsibility with her having kids is pretty shallow. I mentioned that to her that he seems shallow that he was Ok using her for sex but not wanting a relationship with her.

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