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Very strange relationship...

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  • Very strange relationship...

    Ok, first of all this might get long, I apologize. 5 years ago I had a "1 night stand" with a married guy that is still going. We kept on doing this while each time claiming it was the last time for over a year. Then I got pregnant 14 months after it started. He did eventually tell his wife what was up and things got heated, as you'd expect, for a while. I went through most of the pregnancy alone while they were working out their issues, occasional contact here and there. Fast forward, I had our baby, we did visitations etc and a few months later we were right back where we were. At one point they separated, got back together. Eventually I told him that he had to tell her what was still going on (this was about a year ago). They split up, he moved in with his mom etc. Keep in mind, this is not at all as peaceful for the 2 of us as it may sound. Things got extremely volatile (mostly on my end, I have a fast tongue and apparently slow brain) on and off. Anyway, after he'd been living with his mom for a few months I fell on some very hard times and me and my kids have been staying with them for a while. We share a room, share a bed etc. Well, about a week ago he went out for the night after we had been arguing, (I was arguing, he was being his normal closed off self) and eventually I guess he went back to his house and slept with his wife again. (I can hear you all now, this is what I deserve, right?) Anyway, I was mad about it, a bit hurt, but to be honest I understand it. He was drunk, huge history there, it makes sense. I did the same with my ex when we were divorcing, I think most couples do. Anyway, things are back to normal, but of course I don't trust him. We have talked and we aren't seeing or sleeping with other people, but it's the phone...the bane of our existences in this world...he's so secretive with it. I have caught glimpses here and there and most of the time it's just family stuff, but he's so quick to hide the screen when really mostly it's mundane stuff, that it makes me incredibly nervous. Add on to that that he is a very closed man, very hard to talk to, not a great communicator at all, how do we proceed from here? We have 5 years into this (most of that time after the first 2 years he was separated or close to it). We have been a couple of sorts on and off, but I never ever know where I stand with him. Wow...simplified into one paragraph. Obviously there's so much more, but let's keep it "simple" for now.

    I would love your advice, but let's save the judgments. I am well aware of where the first wrong steps in my this part of my life were, we're past that now. I am trying to figure out if it's time to throw in the towel, or if it's worth staying and hanging on. Maybe just distance and time? Maybe done altogether? I don't know and my friends who I talk to about this have heard so much about the nitty gritty parts that I am sure they are tired of advising me to leave him. (Also, keep in mind the difficulty in that between the living arrangements and our child, now 3 years old!)

  • #2
    Wow is probably right. The advice is move on. You've ridden the drama train for awhile now and unless you have the unique ability to take a measurable amount of nourishment, mentally, from this brain drain, keep your legs closed and your mind way beyond this. I feel so bad for your children. I hope they never grow up to realize that this is okay.

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    • #3
      My children are just fine and very accepting of the relationship. I did specifically mention that judgments were not necessary.

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      • #4
        I apologize if I have offended you - not my intention. Would you please explain what exactly you're looking for in terms of an answer? Your friends are tired of repeating the answer back to you and you won't listen to them. It is amazing that this situation has gotten this far and I am worried for you. I hope you don't believe that you deserve to live this way, in consternation and pain. There's a better life than this. I'm an outsider and I am genuinely worried for you and your children.

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        • #5
          How many children do you have, and how many fathers are involved ?

          What are you referring to when you say that you have '5 years into this' ? Is 'this' the toxic, unhealthy, dead end interaction you speak of with your mutual cheater ?

          Your 'relationship' began out of lust and infidelity, and then to make matters worse, you got knocked up and bring a baby into the mix !?

          One of you needs to grow the hell up and make some adult decisions about your futures.
          I can only imagine how exhausted your friends must be with this conversation.

          And for the record, no, most people don't go and fuck their exes when they're drunk and arguing with their current piece of ass, and if they do, the current piece of ass kicks them to the curb. (well, those with self-worth do, anyway)
          Depending on how many children you have and with how many different daddies, this guy may be the best you're gonna get, so welcome to your future. Make it work
          The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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          • #6
            I agree totally with Pistol. You need to grow up and make adult decisions. You can't trust him, but you've made a baby with him, and so you're kind of stuck with him for the next several years. Are you employed? How do you support all of your children?

            My best advice to you is to stop being a victim and be an advocate for yourself and your children. Stop making stupid mistakes with men.
            "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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            • #7
              So I guess I picked a good username. You guys are making a lot of assumptions based on one paragraph of information. First of all, let me clarify something. My kids with the exception of the three-year-old are all over the age of 16. There are a total of four of them. Three of them are from my first marriage, the man I was with for 16 years. That ended numerous years ago. Second of all, as for growing up? We are both between the ages of 40 and 50. Both of us have gone through a lot of stuff and keep going back to each other for some reason. As for me being called a piece of ass? I know I am more than that. So, if anyone is willing to give an opinion, I can certainly handle it, however, I would suggest that maybe they be useful and not destructive. I know very well the infidelity is a horrible topic. Unfortunately it happens every day and I am not proud of my part in it. I have found in the past that when discussing infidelity the people who are the most hate-filled are typically the ones who have experienced it. I totally understand that. However, There's no reason for you to attempt to tear me or anyone else down when someone is seeking advice.

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              • #8
                One other thing...."mutual cheater" is highly inaccurate as I was single all throughout. As for the supposition that seems to be being made that I'm a.c. whore of some sort, I hate to break it to you but I've been with exactly 2 men in the last 20 some years

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                • #9
                  Assumptions get made when the picture that the OP paints for us, is grossly devoid of pertinent facts.

                  Having shared that your other 3 children are over the age of 16, changes nothing IMO. I think it's even MORE prudent that you live your life as a better example than you have. Do THEY know that their 3 old sibling is the result of a marital affair ?

                  Just because you are 40 and 50, it doesn't mean that there isn't room to grow up....clearly. You live in his mother's home for cryin' out loud ????!!!

                  You can’t say that you don’t know where you stand with him, unless you’re a COMPLETE fool. You know EXACTLY where you stand with him, and you’re accepting it.

                  Have you ever had a healthy relationship with a man in your life ? If you have, you’d know without QUESTION, that this isn’t one.

                  (for the record, to my knowledge, I have never had a partner cheat one me. My 'hate-filled' responses are based on your actions, which are inexcusable and selfish, nothing more)
                  It's laughable that you're coming to a forum for advice on whether you should stick it out with this guy, and chastising us for having opinions of your story of promiscuity.

                  You admittedly have a fast tongue and apparently a slow brain, so if you’re sure that we have ALL the facts now, maybe you could bite your tongue, and give a ‘listen’ to the great advice that’s going to come your way from this forum.
                  The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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                  • #10
                    So what would happen if you did decide to move on?

                    Are there minor children and where would they house?
                    is there separate bank accounts that you both have your own source of revenue?
                    Are you both (at your age) still living with Mom?
                    Is he still struggling with alcohol?
                    Do you really want to wait until you're in your 50's to figure out or wait for a change in circumstances?
                    Have you taken any steps to curb your sharp tongue and slow mind? Developed any kind of filter that makes for better communication styles?
                    have you seen a therapist of marriage counselor type for your relational issues?

                    There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

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                    • #11
                      Look, when it's all broken down you're a woman who's been seeing a man for five years on the sly. It's still a little shady because it's not completely out in the open with his wife. I think people are just expressing utmost concern for the series of events you've just recounted. Sure, you've lived it day in and day out and maybe that fact itself has normalized this most painful way of living but I just don't think anyone deserves the scraps you're getting from such a man. People don't end up with a baby and a five year relationship because they just fell into it or didn't mean for it to happen. If you've been sleeping this whole time, now's a good time to wake up. I don't blame you if you're so deep in this that you've completely convinced yourself everything about it is all right and acceptable. I really don't know if someone like you will ever be able to get out of such a situation until you hit even further rock bottom than this.

                      if you're searching for stability... you're grasping at straws because you're neck deep in the barn. Step outside for some fresh air. Again, you don't deserve to live like this feeling insecure and living in the shadows. Whatever you've been through with your ex husband is in the past. I think you're carrying it with you and it's drowning you.

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                      • #12
                        Rose thats called not being able to see the forest for the trees.
                        There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

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                        • #13
                          I know... and I agree with you. There are a few ways to put it. I just hope she doesn't believe she has to live this way forever or that she deserves to live like this.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Wow!! View Post
                            So I guess I picked a good username. You guys are making a lot of assumptions based on one paragraph of information..
                            Well, of COURSE we are making assumptions based on one paragraph. That's like asking someone to review a movie after seeing only 10 minutes of it and then getting pissed that they didn't get it right.

                            What you label as being 'judgmental' is simply stating our observations. If you want rainbows and unicorns, perhaps another forum might fit you better. The people on this forum tell it like it is.

                            At your age, you're living with the mother of a man who cheated on his wife for a long time, made a baby with you and now goes off with his buddies and ignores you and is very likely communicating with some new girlfriends on his heavily protected phone. Now who is to blame for this mess? No one forced you to sleep with a married man. What kind of hard times did you fall on that made you have to move in with him? Why couldn't you just get a roommate? I asked you before if you worked and you didn't answer. Is the government supporting you?

                            You have created all of your problems. We have already given you good advice....leave him, get gainfully employed and stop playing the victim.

                            Why are you shocked that the man who cheated on his wife for over a year to be with you is now probably cheating on you with someone else?

                            "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Wow!! View Post
                              My children are just fine and very accepting of the relationship. I did specifically mention that judgments were not necessary.
                              I would love your advice, but let's save the judgments.
                              What do you want us to tell you? You're going to get judged because what you did is judge-worthy.

                              So... what can we tell you that you don't already know yourself? You're swimming in a toilet with a cheating turd. There is nothing else to tell you that will make you feel like you have chosen a worthy life partner because you haven't. You either learn to deal with your mistrust of him or you leave him, I guess. Maybe get yourself into therapy to figure out how to keep yourself away from married twats and to save said married wives the heartbreak that the two of you put her through??? *shrugs*
                              Last edited by phasesofthemoon; January 29th, 2018, 02:10 PM.
                              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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