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  • Where to go from here...?

    Hi,

    Iím really hoping for some insight. Basically I have a good friend who has been with her boyfriend for almost five years. Their sex life has diminished quite a lot over the past two years. My friend finally got the courage to have an honest open conversation with her boyfriend to say that she feels like she is the one to initiate 99% of the time and she would like him to reciprocate so that she feels wanted. (They donít have kids and last year they went nine months without having sex together because neither initiated and she was tired of being the one to do it. ). She said that she really needs to finally get this out (she had already tried by email and text. She said over the phone to him that sex once per month isnít good enough for her (they werenít even meeting that number anyway but she thought it was a starting point). He acknowledged what she said...started initiating for the past couple months so she felt like there was hope and then now itís been just over a month and no initiative on his part nor acknowledgement about it!! She feels like he doesnít care enough to address it. Why does she always have to be the one to address it. She had been trying really hard to keep the spark alive but she feels that it isnít being reciprocated even still after those talks. She loves him. What the heck should she do, she is really torn about it and already finding herself attracted to other people and wondering if this is because thereís something missing from her relationship. What advice could I give her. Please? Thank you.

  • #2
    What are they like together? It might just be the way I'm reading it but it seems a bit like there just slightly different people, she's more forward and outspoken and maybe she needs someone who can just lead the way more of the time and is a bit more of... I don't wanna say an "alpha" but just a bit more confident and outspoken... I would have said to talk to him about this but considering she already has it seems to just be a case of she needs more of a man's man

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    • #3
      But then maybe he needs someone to lead the way or to show him how too... who is his father and was he in his life growing up? If she doesn't want to leave and doesn't know what to do she needs to just swallow her pride, sit the man down ( maybe somewhere nice out in nature) and just tell him that her needs aren't being met, and maybe she wants him to meet her needs but at the end of the day your tgere to help each other and he's not helping her right now
      Last edited by The try guy; January 29th, 2018, 03:23 AM.

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      • #4
        Thank you for your message !

        They are good together in so many ways...they have fun, they laugh, they travel sometimes together. Itís just there seems to be a wall between them a bit now because of this. Itís just so confusing because how could the sex life be so good for a good solid two years then change so much. I understand these things change but I would think that after sheís brought it up three times already to him that he would try harder if he really cares. Should she bring it up to him again or is she giving too much? What if all the things she loves about him are just a large list of things but the sex part is the problem. Is that worth her throwing it all away? Should she give it one more shot?

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        • #5
          I went through this for years with my ex. If it's already eating away at her this much, I can pretty much guarantee the relationship won't last much longer. Possibly because she will be inclined to cheat on him soon, the first time any man will show some genuine interest in her.
          Tell her to break up with him before she does that to him.
          You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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          • #6
            Thanks for all the comments. Does anyone else have any further insight?

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            • #7
              Professional therapy or seeing a psychologist could help. If they're incompatible, your friend isn't a good match with her boyfriend. Sounds like it's time for her to move on since it's not working out for her. Talking with her boyfriend didn't help either.
              "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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              • #8
                Is this a long distance or teenage relationship or is there some sort of physical disability? It's been 5 years and they haven't progressed to living together or getting married. Why on earth didn't she bring this up in person (not over the phone)? That seems unusually awkward and it's like ambushing your partner and yet neither can do anything about it in the moment because you're not even in the same room! You can't even poke his butt and make a joke or smile and jiggle or wear a sexy bathrobe to entice your partner. I hate to say it but your (female) friend sounds incredibly boring and uninspiring to have sex with. If she's looking for sexual validation and intimacy, she's going about it totally wrong.

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                • #9
                  Thanks for all the comments.

                  For the record, she did talk with him about it in person a couple of times. She does things to spice it up ... she was feeling like she is the only one making such efforts though so she brought it up on the phone that she needs to feel like her efforts are being reciprocated . He said okay thanks for telling her, he will, he made efforts for about two months and now it’s back to the same old and she will be bringing it up again very soon in person. She’s now feeling angry that she has told him that once a month isn’t enough for her and it’s been just over a month now again and no talk of it whatsoever. Is she being unreasonable?? I’ve advised her to say to him “how can we work this out together”, but maybe she really does need to see a therapist.

                  There’s no physical disabilities. Not tennageers. They both don’t have the desire enough to move in together no (to each their own about that one though)

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                  • #10
                    This is a relationship... not submitting a review on Yelp. I think she needs to come off her high horse and stop being so rude and demanding. She basically served him an ultimatum with performance levels expected. She's lucky he responded to her at all. Meanwhile I think the guy is probably fingering her behind her back which is the most action she's ever going to see at this rate. If she wants to work on it together, yes, you're right, start acting like a couple and enjoy life together. Stop thinking so much about the sex itself and learn to find joy in the simple things.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Warm heart View Post
                      Thanks for all the comments. Does anyone else have any further insight?
                      Can I ask why you are posting when it's your friends problem and not yours?
                      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post

                        Can I ask why you are posting when it's your friends problem and not yours?
                        FINALLY !!!!
                        Someone asked a LOGICAL fucken question !!!!!

                        Thank you, Phases
                        The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post

                          Can I ask why you are posting when it's your friends problem and not yours?
                          I was DYIN' to ask that question.

                          Thanks, Phases
                          The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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                          • #14
                            lol... I wonder if it will be answered?
                            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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