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  • Stick it out or end things?

    Hello all, this is my first post and the reason I signed up to this forum. I have a situation that is really affecting me mentally and emotionally. I am 21 years old and Iím currently dating someone for the first time. Weíve been dating for about a month and a half. He is an amazing person. Crosses off almost every item in my list of things I wanted from a guy. My entire family loves him and he treats me great, spoils me with gifts, listens to me and genuinely cares about everything I have to say. From every point of view I should be very happy to have found a guy like him and I should be happy in this relationship, but Iím not. Since the day he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes, I started to feel anxiety. I figured it was because I was nervous to be committing to someone and that it would go away, and it did, for a few days, but then it came back and so on. I really want to like him and I want things to work out but when Iím honest with myself, I want to break up with him. I have this problem where I will like a guy and then after a few months, i wake up one day and for no reason I donít like them anymore. And I think that happened with my current boyfriend. I did like him before and I wish I still did because he seems to be perfect for me, but now Iím not even attracted to him and I find myself trying to avoid him or even annoyed when he texts me. I know that itís my problem and not anything on his part so I would really hate to break up with him and break his heart but the thought of being with him for a long time makes me nervous and unhappy. Does anyone know why I have so much anxiety in this relationship? Or why I canít like a guy for more than a few months? Is it because Iíve never met the right person for me or should I ignore my feelings and stick with him to see if suddenly I like him again? I recently told him that I feel like we arenít on the same page with feelings and he agreed because he notices when Iím distant with him sometimes but he said we could take things slow and hopefully Iíd feel better and I agreed because he is just a great guy but no matter how much I think about his good qualities, I canít imagine a future with him. To make matters worse I keep thinking about other guys and how Iíd rather be single again to be able to meet new guys. But I also think if I break up with him Iíd be letting a good one go. Basically I have no idea what to do so anything helps. Thank you so much for reading my long post!!
    Last edited by Cassia; January 29th, 2018, 02:39 AM.

  • #2
    It seems to me you're just not ready to be in a relationship. And that's okay. 21 is young to be committing to someone, and some people take a lot longer to be ready for it than others.
    Yes, you risk losing a great guy. On the other hand, you might risk wasting your young and careless years feeling trapped in a relationship instead of enjoying the experiences you want to be having. And let's be honest, this guy seems like he deserves someone who really wants to be with him. So cut him loose and let him look for that instead.
    If you want to date and hook up, by all means do. If you notice years down the line that you still can't see yourself being with anyone long-term, maybe you should consider seeing a therapist to help you figure out why. Maybe there's a reason for it that stems from your past? But for now, just enjoy being young and let your boyfriend go after what he really wants.
    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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    • #3
      You're not with the right man. Don't second guess yourself. The longer you stick with the wrong person or stick with someone for whom you have no feelings for any longer, the greater the resentment and anger will build. It'll come out in different ways and it'll turn you into something or someone you won't recognize.

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      • #4
        If you're not sure, take a break from boyfriends. Sort your life out, figure out what you want in a guy, what makes you happy, how you can contribute to a harmonious, hopefully long term relationship and then revisit where you stand. Don't have men in your life until you can respect the relationship otherwise you're wasting your and their time, efforts and energy. No one wants a lot of drama either. Simple, lovely, happy relationships are easier! Try not to complicate your thoughts too much otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy.
        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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        • #5
          A huge thank you to everyone that responded! I finally have some clarity, I do think I need to end things with him, but I guess Iím waiting to see if I can develop those feelings for him but unfortunately I just feel like that spark is gone and I donít know If I can get it back. If anyone else has any input I greatly appreciate it and Iím thankful to have found this forum!!

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          • #6
            Hi Cassia,

            There is a very similar thread over in Down in the Dumps, titled "He has everything I wanted, so why couldn't I" ?
            I think you might get some helpful advice/encouragement there as well
            The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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            • #7
              Cassia,

              From my point of view, thinking back to when I was 21, I married the first chick that slept with me 3 times. It had to be love right?

              Your 21, and no disrespect meant but you will have a few more relationships in your life trust me. If you aren't feeling it don't push it. There WILL be others. Plus, you're at an age where experimentation and dating guys is supposed to be fun and it certainly is already in your mind.
              I think what you are keenly aware of though and you may not even realize it but, it appears that when you phase out of limerence (the honeymoon period) you become keenly aware of your gut. That is something that if you stick around on this forum, you will see people do continually. Then come in here with questions about their own motivations because they didn't listen to their gut.

              So in my eyes, I think you're quite bright to get this feeling when you do, and be mindful of it. It's an important time to be aware of. Trust the gut. Many of us, including me, have not and that's what brought us here in the first place. Stick around, post, become part of the community I think you may have something to offer.
              There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

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              • #8
                foh4k Thank you so much that means a lot and helps a lot!!

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Cassia View Post
                  .....I have this problem where I will like a guy and then after a few months, i wake up one day and for no reason I donít like them anymore. ....
                  You're not ready to settle into a "relationship". Rather, you enjoy the very early stages of interest-attraction-flirt-first date-getting to know each other.

                  Would it be fair to say that you like romantic movies? You'll notice they always end at about the stage that you get to with your boyfriends.

                  That's not a crime, but it could hurt guys and get you into trouble if you're not honest with yourself and the guys.

                  Some day you'll be ready for a longer term relationship. Today isn't that day.





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                  • #10
                    Pollon Do you think that one day I will be ok with a long term relationship or do you think that my issues donít have to do with age or maturity and are problems that require a therapist possibly? I know itís hard to say based off this small context but I was wondering if maybe itís normal to be like this is your early 20s?

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Cassia View Post
                      Pollon Do you think that one day I will be ok with a long term relationship or do you think that my issues donít have to do with age or maturity and are problems that require a therapist possibly? I know itís hard to say based off this small context but I was wondering if maybe itís normal to be like this is your early 20s?
                      Some are like this in their 30's, 40's and 50's.
                      There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Cassia View Post
                        Pollon Do you think that one day I will be ok with a long term relationship or do you think that my issues donít have to do with age or maturity and are problems that require a therapist possibly? I know itís hard to say based off this small context but I was wondering if maybe itís normal to be like this is your early 20s?
                        Totally within the normal range. However, when you do, one day, decide that you want to settle into a long-term relationship you have to accept that the warm fuzzies which seem to be ever-present at early stages of a relationship become more periodic and inconsistent in a more mature relationship. That doesn't mean the relationship is not good. It, too, is normal.

                        Good luck

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                        • #13
                          Pollon Thank you so much!! You have no idea how much I really appreciate your help!

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                          • #14
                            So, what happened? You broke up with him?

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                            • #15
                              fenrir Yeah I did, I was honest but tried to be very nice and listened to him too. Thankfully he took it well and we are trying to maintain a friendship.
                              Last edited by Cassia; February 7th, 2018, 02:06 PM.

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