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Love or lusting after a co-worker whilst in a 3.5 year relationship

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  • Love or lusting after a co-worker whilst in a 3.5 year relationship

    Hi all,

    First time poster here. I'll try and be as brief as possible but do let me know if more details are required.

    I've signed up here as a last resort (no disrespect to anyone of course) as the situation is getting to the point where I need to get some info out of my head and onto 'paper' and hopefully get some advice. I've not told any friends or family about this either as I don't want it to become an issue.

    I've been with my gf for 3.5 years now and we're fairly happy. However, I started a job in Nov 2016 where I met a co-worker (lets call her 'Julie'). We immediately hit it off and had great banter etc and I was extremely attracted to her but didn't think much of it. Anyway after our Xmas party that year, we shared a cab and she invited me back to hers. NOTHING happened at all, I literally just had tea and toast. She said I can stay on her sofa but I said no as I needed fresh contact lenses. She said why don't I just use hers. Again I said no I better not and I said thanks and left. Everything continues as normal but as the days pass by, I find myself thinking about her pretty much most of the day - every day. We talk a lot in the office and maybe a few texts outside but its not really flirty, just funny banter. During 2017 I tried talking to her more to get an idea how her mind was working and also totally ignored her for about 6 weeks which I thought would help me move on but it didn't. Fast forward to Xmas just gone, we share a cab again and she invites me back to hers where I had tea (no toast this time!). I was quite drunk and told her I liked her from the day I met her but I wouldn't act on it as it would be wrong. She just said 'you need to get your priorities in order', I finished my tea, we hugged and I left. The next day I text her asking how she feels about me (it was her day off) and she replied - <my name>!! 'I don't check out taken guys in the office'. I was actually hoping she would reply saying 'I don't feel the same, leave me alone' because that would help me move on. Bringing us to the present day, I still think about her an insane amount daily and have had a few dreams about her. I actually feel like I'm obsessed with her. I've never cheated on any of my previous gf's and haven't really lusted after anyone whilst in a relationship at all. So -

    1) Why couldn't she just tell me (when I told her I liked her at her house) she didn't feel the same or tell me via text when I asked her how she felt about me. Is it a way of saying she does in fact feel the same perhaps?
    2) Is this worth pursuing taking into account how much she's on my mind
    3) If not, how the heck am I meant to get her out of my head!?

    I really appreciate any advice, I certainly never expected to still be thinking about her over a year later. Slightly worrying actually.

    NB- I decided to write this post as I was sitting at home looking at my phone for about 30 minutes trying to type something like 'Hey Julie, I want to take you out next Monday - a date if you will. I've now broken up with <my gf> if you're wondering.' I deleted the text and put my phone down thinking what the hell am I doing!!!?

  • #2
    Wait, have you actually broken up with your gf or were you just going to tell that to Julie?
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      No no, my gf and I are very much together, the purpose of that text was to see what her response was - preferably 'No I don't want to go out with you'. It's so deceitful and this is why I deleted the text and jumped onto this forum.

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      • #4
        Well then, I'm going to have to be harsh with you. I think it's really disrespectful of you to be in a relationship and putting yourself into temptation with another woman. It's unmanly. If you're not totally fulfilled in your relationship, it's wrong of you to live this double life. The first thing I'd recommend is that you break up with your girlfriend. And then take some time to figure out what you want in a relationship.

        You're relying on someone else to force you to do the right thing. You think if this other woman says 'leave me alone' then you will be out of the hole. It doesn't matter one bit what she says or how she responds. What matter is what YOU are going to do with your current situation. If you want to pursue her, fine. But don't string along an innocent victim who thinks you are being faithful.

        I don't think much of the other woman, either. She can talk all she wants about not going after taken men, but she was perfectly willing to invite you in, share her contact solution with you and let you sleep on her couch. No woman who didn't want to go after a taken man would do that.
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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        • #5
          You didn't stay at her house because of contact lenses lol be honest it' because you have a long term girlfriend. I want to tell you about my own experience. I have a long term bf too but I developed a crush on an older coworker in his 40s. I'm in my 20s, and so is my bf. The maturity and stability I saw in the other guy was attractive. I decided though, that what I had with my bf was something I didn't want to lose. You have to be honest with yourself about how you feel, what you want and make a similar decision

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          • #6
            Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
            Well then, I'm going to have to be harsh with you. I think it's really disrespectful of you to be in a relationship and putting yourself into temptation with another woman. It's unmanly. If you're not totally fulfilled in your relationship, it's wrong of you to live this double life. The first thing I'd recommend is that you break up with your girlfriend. And then take some time to figure out what you want in a relationship.

            You're relying on someone else to force you to do the right thing. You think if this other woman says 'leave me alone' then you will be out of the hole. It doesn't matter one bit what she says or how she responds. What matter is what YOU are going to do with your current situation. If you want to pursue her, fine. But don't string along an innocent victim who thinks you are being faithful.

            I don't think much of the other woman, either. She can talk all she wants about not going after taken men, but she was perfectly willing to invite you in, share her contact solution with you and let you sleep on her couch. No woman who didn't want to go after a taken man would do that.
            Appreciate your honesty.

            I don't want to break up with my gf, things have been absolutely fine up until I started this new job. I'm not the type to cheat so this whole thing is new to me. I actually think changing job would solve the problem but it's an industry I've been trying to get into for many years so that would be difficult to do aswell.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Milena View Post
              You didn't stay at her house because of contact lenses lol be honest it' because you have a long term girlfriend. I want to tell you about my own experience. I have a long term bf too but I developed a crush on an older coworker in his 40s. I'm in my 20s, and so is my bf. The maturity and stability I saw in the other guy was attractive. I decided though, that what I had with my bf was something I didn't want to lose. You have to be honest with yourself about how you feel, what you want and make a similar decision
              Interesting, so did you just stop having a crush on your co worker or did you leave your job? How long did your crush last and did anything happen?

              Lol yeah I couldn't stay because of contact lenses would've been hilarious if I was single!

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              • #8
                The world is full of beautiful women. Changing jobs won't help you if you allow yourself to be tempted. You're always going to meet people who are smarter, prettier, funnier, than your current girlfriend. And don't be so naive as to say you're not the type to cheat. You came very close to it.
                "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                • #9
                  If I was the type to cheat then surely I could've cheated a few times with my co-worker, no?

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                  • #10
                    Oh please. And if she had come on to you, you would have turned her down, right?
                    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                    • #11
                      Yeah I reckon so, I'm a pretty decent guy and always have been. Strictly speaking, nothing has actually happened and I still feel guilty about the whole thing.

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                      • #12
                        You've said you're obsessed with her, you've asked if you think this is worth pursuing, you say she is still in your head after a year, and you were considering sending her a text saying you were single. Now exactly how far a step do you think this is from acting on it? If you weren't the cheating kind, and if you indeed had the willpower you suggest you have, you would have already gotten her out of your head.

                        I know you'll deny all of this. The truth is that only you can get her out of your head. There's no magic pill or exercise or mantra or prayer that will do it for you. It will take an act of the will.

                        MAYBE you need to hear her rejection before you can drop it all.
                        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                        • #13
                          All true and all of this is contained within my head and so long as I don't act on it, I don't consider it cheating. Don't get me wrong, I do feel bad about all of this but I also never asked for it - its not like I picked her up in a club or something, I just met her at work and I can't help how I feel. I did say in my original post that I tried 6 weeks of absolutely no contact meaning I didn't even say hello to her unless she said it to me (I wasn't rude). Even after that, there was no change in how I felt about her.

                          As pathetic as it sounds I just want her to tell me that she's not interested. The fact that I've given her opportunities to tell me this and she hasn't makes it really difficult to move on. In fact, the whole reason I went back to her house this Xmas was so I could put an end to this. I thought after I told her how I felt about her then she would put an end it this. Maybe my only hope is that she leaves!

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                          • #14
                            What rock did you crawl out from under. Seriously. You claim you're in love with your girlfriend and yet you're chatting up other women at work and have the gall to insist you're not cheating on your girlfriend. It's called emotional cheating. I'm not sure what prehistoric period you were born in or if it occurred in the last couple of days but emotional cheating is a fairly well known term. If you're not familiar with it, look it up. You scream poor impulse control, emotional cheater, manipulator and someone with a spine as weak as string cheese. Let me guess, you're also the type of guy who treats women like complete shit and expects them to break up with you because you don't have the balls to do it.

                            Reread everything you've written and take a good look at yourself.

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                            • #15
                              Well Drifter I can relate to a lot of what you said and ironically just posted something similar. The woman I talked to is also married and she actually gave me her ph. number and said to call her if I was bored. Oh I called her and texted mostly which those texts turned into flirtatious bantering which we coined ‘buzzed texting.’ She even called me WH, Work Hubs, and we continued this until about a month ago. Things got weird w/ us well mostly me bc I developed some feelings for her and admitted having a little crush on her. Huge mistake and unfortunately I dug a much deeper hole. By no means am I giving u advice, but what I’m trying to do is let her go and move on w/ my family life which is much more important. Do you love your girlfriend? I love my wife dearly, but I somehow got distracted by this woman and I’m still trying to figure out why or how it happened and unfortunately this will take time as will your situation.

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