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Please tell me Iím a door mat so I can end this (2 parts)

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  • Please tell me Iím a door mat so I can end this (2 parts)

    Right been with my wife for 3.5 years now,

    20 months




    Both 37




    When we met, Iíd been out of a long term relationship for a year, Iíd thrown myself headfirst into my own business to keep my mind off my ex.




    Along came my wife as my dog walker whilst I was out working, she was carefree and such a laugh.

    Over time we started seeing each other very slowly, all was good.

    She was the opposite of me but it worked.




    She lived in her fathers house (which was pretty much derelict) and after 6 months asked if I wanted to move in there.

    Like a fool I moved in there and gave up my rental house, thought would be cheaper to live there and help me save to buy my own house in time.

    I found out she had been living there rent and bill free for 5 years as her dad had met a new woman and married her but my wife didnít like her dads new wife and so he struggled at 60 to buy a new house for him and his wife rather than upset his daughter.

    Sheís had anorexia before and she had a failed business in the past where he was the guarantor and rather than face the problems she ran away an nearly starved herself to death ( so got daddy over a barrel).




    I offered to pay his mortgage in return to rent the derelict house and we talked and he offered me the house at a knock down price as he wanted to pay off his own mortgage and wash his hand of the house and probably the burden of his daughter!




    All great, I wanted a mortgage so needed to graft for a year get my books in order .




    Things got tight as they do and I needed help financially, I asked my wife about 3 times can you get a job for a bit to help me financially, at the school where she worked before .

    All I ever got was tearful eyes, I feel really belittled going and working there or the I didnít know you resented me, which all got pathetic, in the end it got to the stage Iíd order a takeaway for us both ďIím not hungry & canít afford itĒ guilt tripping me, when I merely asked for help buying her dads house to reduce her burden on him with financial gain for the pair of us, whilst I slogged my guts out 14 hour days.

    But Iíd have to reassure itís ok I donít think your taking the p*ss out of me and sheíd eat the takeaway every time then moan about how many calories sheíd consumed, ďI donít want a takeaway in futureĒ.........till next time.




    I work very hard I have my own roofing company which employs 6 people and itís a physical job, Iíve worked extra hard to build this business for the both of our future, but all sheís done is moan I donít show her enough attention because Iím often sat at home after work typing quotes, invoices and guarantees till 8pm,

    Iíve even been asked to choose between her and my business, whilst she earns zero and expects me to supply everything including her cannabis!




    With all the hard work Iíve started snoring-which leads to arguments because I keep her awake and I get annoyed her prodding me when I have to be up at 6am to work to keep us both whilst she just has to go to the gym.

    I get annoyed as I go to bed at 9:30 pm and she lays in bed next to me with the tv blaring till 12 and I canít sleep.

    In the end with all the arguments I now sleep at my mums in the week and have done for the last 16 months as Iím done with lack of sleep making my working life hard and have now come to prefer it there in a relaxed environment.




    This girl has played a slow mental game with my head, Iím always in the wrong and if I put up a fight she would argue for 6 hours until my brain is fried.

    Even saying she didnít say things she did until I just think sod it you can win.




    If we argue she will constantly tell me to grow up (which she says isnít patronising I should check the dictionary) yet sheís 37, smokes weed, has never had a job and has sponged off anyone including me, yet I need to grow up?




    Sheís been pretty vile over the years, assaulting me when sheís drunk etc, in pointless volatile arguments Iíve said Iím off to diffuse the situation on two occasions as Iíve opened the front door sheís ripped expensive tshirts off my back and the 3rd she threw metal and dented my car and hasnít apologised for any of




    sheís done some really nasty stuff like our wedding night she drank all the complimentary drinks pretty much and was steaming by 10pm I was ok as had paced myself, I went back to our room and after trying all of 10 seconds trying to unzip her dress she lost the plot and started punching me, I had to grab her arms to restrain her and I was made the attacker and she was shouting Iím going home in the corridor, I had to calm her down and didnít get so much as an apology the next day.




    On our honeymoon in the USA again she got drunk on wine and told me sheíd never fancied me and only got with me because of my personality.




    On my birthday we went to Belgium (her choice) she was drunk again and on her last drink decided to make a sip of cider last 30 minutes I said shall I get another drink, she went ballistic at me accusing me of drinking too much and told me to F off Iíll make my own way home in a foreign country when weíre both unsure on directions.

    I literally stood there 5 meter away crying on my own whilst she made a point of dragging this drop of drink out.

    A miserable walk back to our place and we had an argument and I told her she was a bitch as Iíd proposed to her earlier that day.

    She had a 7 day stand off to decide if marriage was right for her.




    She invited me to meet her friends at the pub at start of relationship we was both pretty tipsy but in good spirits, one of the male friends offered me a shot I said yeah go on then and as it was literally placed in my hand she snatched it out and said you ainít drinking that youíll be drunk (although she was more drunk than me)

    I felt really belittled and said to the bloke she tells me off if I put too much food in the dogs bowl (joking)

    She hit the roof!

    I said Iím going and walked out of the pub, on the way out I heard her best friend say to her itís you Karen!

    And she just let me leave alone and stayed out till late drinking and sniffing cocaine.

    Next morning told me how bad I am till I cried again and even said the cheek of my mate saying itís you wtf!

  • #2



    In the last three years Iíve rarely gone out like I used to with my own circle of friends due to working so hard and her subtle way of saying sheíd rather I didnít. yet she has actively kept her social life going out most weekends with her family and or friends, she goes to a metal festival once a year with men (although I know she doesnít cheat) this gets me down as Iím left dog sitting in a dump of a house all weekend after working all week also looking after her rescue chickens which Iíve made clear I donít want as they wreck the garden and she lets them dump in the kitchen and just sweeps into a pile!

    Iím also expected to pay and collect their food and hay.

    The house is a constant mess and the thousands of pounds Iíve spent on new bathroom and kitchen are trashed by her and all the rescue animals Iím expected to feed.

    She doesnít do any of my washing.

    I put a thousand pound in her bank every xmas and birthday and I donít even get a thankyou!

    She goes and stays away with this crowd a couple of times a year too and Iím expected to pick her up and drop her off.

    She stays in London with some other male friends to.

    Whilst I pay all the bills alone and just slave away for a mortgage I donít really want anymore.

    She should be helping as itís her dad that needs it sold.




    Thereís been many similar belittling situations but would take forever to type.










    All my friends and family say leave her even her own cousin does




    We have 2 dogs, we both each brought one into the relationship.

    My dog treated like crap and made to sleep on the floor whilst hers is allowed in the bed although itís twice the size of mine.

    Mines a nervous dog but her constant volatile personality and the fact she treats her like crap has left her a mess.

    Iíve got her at my mums now and sheís slowly getting back to normal.




    In 3.5 years she has never contributed one penny to the rent, gas, electricity, feed for her animals and Iíve paid for 95% of her vegan food shopping.




    Every Christmas is all about her family and friends my donít get a look in and Iím never really asked what Iíd prefer to do so I spend all xmas with her family listening to her going on about how great she is!




    This Christmas my best friend of 33 years who lives 100 miles away Came to visit his family and he rang about 3 times please come and have a pint, Iíd of jumped at it but made excuses I was. Working etc as a day later we were supposed to be visiting her friends up north.

    I mentioned it to her as I hadnít seen him since the wedding he was my best man, and she couldnít even say go and see your mate! Just went quite.

    The plan was she would go ahead on the train and me drive up the following day.

    She went and I seen pics of her drinking champagne on the train with friends so I thought sod this Iím going for a pint with my best mate!

    My intention was to just have a couple so I wasnít hungover to drive upto her friends but one drink at 5pm lead to our last drink at 8am the next day, was great speaking and having a laugh without her there.

    I told him everything and he was nearly crying this ainít how it should be mate.

    I told him how sheíd start arguments drunk and make out it was me a nasty drinker he reassured me I was the nicest person ever after a drink just a little stupid.

    I rang her hungover the next day and said I couldnít make the party and I was sorry.

    She was pretty arsey.

    But Iíd pick her up 120 miles away the next morning.

    I drove up there and when I got there it started I knew you wouldnít come, I was intending to, no you werenít, yes I was, no you werenít, yes I was, no you werenít! Ok no werenít then.

    How dare you be angry with me!!!!

    I said ok no I werenít defeated..

    Then a 3 hour drive home telling me how aweful I am and that it canít work if I carry on like this on and on and on I felt like driving into a bridge at 80mph.




    All we did was argue for days over nothing

    Then one night me snoring, she sighing loudly and nudges me, so I get up-to go to the toilet, when I come back in she says what did you say?

    I replied nothing, she says yes you did, you bolted up and said something!

    I said hey? LOOK HOW YOUR SPEAKING TO ME! (nudges me all night, then Iíll go downstairs, but she moans about me going downstairs as she says that keeps her awake) this night I didnít go downstairs as sheís said not to.

    She starts up your leaving me no where to go, can you go downstairs!

    Confused I got up and said your a nutter!

    And went down and sat on the sofa

    Boom sheís down the stairs in my face

    ĒI donít think I can go on like this Iíve had enough!Ē

    I said ok lucky escape itís over Iím out of here and walked out and went to my mums.




    I blanked her for a day and thought how things are and said I wanted a chat.

    I went round there and she was expecting an apology.

    She said your horrible to me you just said itís over and left

    I said ďI said that because you said youíve had enough canít go on like thisĒ

    She point blank replied no I did not you said itís over and left.

    But Iíd recorded it on my phone and blew her out.

    Ok Iím sorry she was saying.

    I said thatís it itís over Iíve had enough.

    Then as I was walking out she said but I donít want you to leave me I love you.

    The first time in 3.5 years sheís ever said it sober.




    I turned into a weak prat and took her back.




    A week went by and I thought sheís not going to change all love heart emoji texts canít fix what sheís done over the years

    And rang her and ended it on the Friday.




    She rang me Monday and begged me to go back.

    So I went like a fool and gave in again.




    Itís been another week and Iím just thinking itís gonna end anyway why not just leave now to save the Agro of buying her dads house and having a kid we have ivf booked in a week (which I think is mental yet sheís very keen for it) and it being a financial mess where she gets everything and I pay for it.

    After an argument 8 months ago she told me the mortgage I get will need to be low repayments I case we split up so she can buy me out (her mums advice).

    Cheeky cow has just drained me for 3.5 years, doesnít work yet thinks she can buy me out of a mortgage I broke my back alone to get!




    Well tomorrow is d-day folks

    Comment


    • #3
      Yes, you're a doormat. Dump her.
      "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

      Comment


      • #4
        You sunk however many thousands of dollars in three years. Think about the accumulation in 10 and 30 or more even if she had a nice personality. I'm really surprised a person like that would be a dog walker. She can't even navigate her own life. And I'm flawed that a business owner (albeit small business but business owner nonetheless) with employees and a lot to lose (ie your life if you slipped off a roof, your employees and your entire business if you went into bankruptcy) would be so careless as to associate with anyone like her. Are you sleeping at the wheel? Wake up.

        If you're doing the math about the house, forget it. You're a roofer. You should have contacts in the construction industry and even if you don't, if you put your mind to good use you probably already know someone who knows someone else who is an excellent carpenter, plumber, electrician. If you want a house so bad, buy the land and build it yourself.

        Comment


        • #5
          Yes, you are a doormat, dump her.
          There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

          Comment


          • #6
            On our honeymoon in the USA again she got drunk on wine and told me sheíd never fancied me and only got with me because of my personality.
            Uhm, I think it was because of your money.

            Yes, you are a doormat, dump her.
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

            Comment


            • #7
              Yes Iím definitely sleeping at the wheel!
              This girl is a professional manipulator and been so busy with work etc I havenít seen the wood for the trees.
              i donít want te house anymore my plan is once all over to go halves with my brother who I trust more than anyone else and buy property with him to make a profit.
              i must be mental and under her spell, itís more like sheís messed with my head so much I donít know whatís right or wrong anymore.
              i know what I have to do.
              last time I left her I felt more sorry for her, but she had already made plans to move to her mums and take that job sheíd resisted for so long!
              shes created all this not me so itís her problem

              Comment


              • #8
                She's just a brat with no discipline or focus. Good you know what to do. It's actually both your problems until you get rid of her - saying it's all her fault isn't taking accountability for your actions and what you did to let the brat in your life. You have a lot to look forward to with your brother. Good luck.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by deanlad1980 View Post
                  Yes Iím definitely sleeping at the wheel!
                  This girl is a professional manipulator and been so busy with work etc I havenít seen the wood for the trees.
                  i donít want te house anymore my plan is once all over to go halves with my brother who I trust more than anyone else and buy property with him to make a profit.
                  i must be mental and under her spell, itís more like sheís messed with my head so much I donít know whatís right or wrong anymore.
                  i know what I have to do.
                  last time I left her I felt more sorry for her, but she had already made plans to move to her mums and take that job sheíd resisted for so long!
                  shes created all this not me so itís her problem
                  Well, you've enabled her to be who she is by staying there while she used and abused you so do look inside to figure out why you would put up with that shit and the twat that she is.

                  Most men with good boundaries and self-worth would have left her a loooonnnng time ago. A long time before they married into it actually.

                  Good luck going forth. Work on yourself so that you don't fall for another mental case with personality disorder(s). I hope you can get out of this "mortgage" thing you're in with her old man.
                  "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    You sound like a nice person who has tried their best. The best thing for you to do would be to leave and look after yourself. Its not so bad being single, mental peace and happiness is more important then destructive companionship which is what you have.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I like to think Iím a nice person, been too nice with her!
                      glad to say Iíve ended it with her, she can now sort her own shit out Iím done.
                      time to Book a holiday

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        It's time to dissolve the relationship with the bad apple. You deserve a better life with better people in it! In the future, if there are any red flags, run for the hills! Associate with secure people. Glad you ended it. Live and learn.
                        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by deanlad1980 View Post
                          I like to think Iím a nice person, been too nice with her!
                          glad to say Iíve ended it with her, she can now sort her own shit out Iím done.
                          time to Book a holiday
                          Very good. Have a great time on your holiday. Let us know how she took the news of you breaking up with her when you have time. Sounds like it might be a good read.
                          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Well I rang her and told her this time as felt pointless going face to face as she just turns on te water works and I might of crumbled.
                            she again told me she loves me and that we need to talk, but I said Iím done talking thereís nothing left to say, apart from we need some time alone then we can move on with divorce.
                            she text a few times but I didnít read them just deleted them.
                            im in pain but itís the right thing to do, any more of that would crack me up.
                            i did read one and it said along the lines of I donít know whatís going on so I donít know how to fight for you, Iím not being an ice queen but if I havenít heard from you by the end of te weekend I need to move on and get over this.
                            i donít know if youíve left me for another woman or not.

                            i just need to keep my mind busy and move on now

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              DO NOT CONTACT HER. She's already gaslighting you. How to fight you? Who looks for a way to fight someone? Usually its looking for a way to compromise with someone. Not fight them. DO NOT CONTACT HER!! Delete delete delete you are on such a great path now
                              There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

                              Comment

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