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What counts as long distance cheating?

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  • What counts as long distance cheating?

    I'm in his bed, wearing his shirt, blessed with thoughts of all of his adorable smiles he smiles before he goes to sleep. My shoes are next to his shoes at the door. I'm wearing his flip flops in the shower. We're going to all the places we've wanted to see together for over 5 years. He hugs me while we sleep and I feel like my heart is finally in the right place.

    He goes out by himself with his phone and it makes me uneasy. I try not to think about it but I do.

    The funny thing about this post is that if I were to post it, only him and I and one of my oldest friends I now speak to no longer know the story that still involved me...through everything, through lies and deceit and an entire year+ of the most stressful and painful mess I have ever endured in my life. All that nonsense was set to end this last summer. I could rid it from my mind and come be with him, finally, secured by his physical presence. Because everyone says this: "Would he be there with you? With you and not her if she was really where his heart wanted to be?" That isn't wrong. But it's got me standing my selfishness and pride as a person up alongside what it means to love someone for who they are, and your own personal inextinguishable values in a relationship with someone. Is it wrong of me, really? To want him to cut someone out of his life to give me what should be unnecessary peace of mind? Could I really actually let go of this burning for the sake of love? Because I wonder if love would be letting him keep this person in his life, no matter how sickening and messed up that seems to me. In short there were two girls, both in love with an idiot, both long distance. He decided to pretend to date one where everyone could see, and keep the one he was spending all his time with and had decided to spend his future with, in the dark from everyone. The idea behind pretending to date one was to aid in shielding her from her own young and wild decisions he didn't approve of personally. These weren't decisions I was making, so there was no need to rub it into the face of the world that I was his. He wanted to keep the wilder one from other males. Very unsuccessfully. But time after time he kept it going, determined to fix it for good in the summer. Which apparently happened, although I was given no explanation of those events at all, as of course, that couldn't possibly be my business. I let it go.

    And here I am. With him. He falls asleep and a notification from her lights up his phone. I'm not surprised, or even disappointed in my decisions because I made them always prepared for the worst. But I don't know what's right in this situation. If they're really only talking after all this, and as it always was going to be, the one he ended up with was me. And if him talking to her still bothers me, I don't know if it's okay for me to express that. He's told me he wouldn't mind me doing these things if the situation were reversed. My friends would tell me to ditch him the second he laid eyes on another person, but that's not how the world works. Everyone is involved with a circle of people in their life. You can never just be the only person someone has, and I would know, after pushing away literally every person in my life out of it that wasn't him. I wish it could be just the two of us, even if that's twisted of me; but that will never be how things are. My question is does this particular situation deem cutting her out of his life, this girl he fake dated and led on and basically cheated on me with over a long stretch of years, an exception enough to justify it?

  • #2
    You can talk with him about it. Ask him how he feels about this girl. Does he feel love for her or is ir just excitement? What does he want as a future? Maybe he is not monogamous and likes to date other wonen. Doesn't mean that he loves you less. But honesty is so important here. Try to talk about it with hom, give him the opportunity to be completely honest with you. Try to listen to what he says, and not to take things too personal.
    If he wants to keep in touch with this girl, maybe you can be okay with it, see if there is a nice guy around you can date with. Not for love, just for fun.

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    • #3
      I certainly would not allow a man i was sleeping with mess around with another female like he is doing. casual friends are fine but surely not someone he supposedly "fake" dated. you need him to break off all connections to this other woman immediately. he is definitely cheating on you by loving this other woman as you described.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Universeeyes View Post
        I'm in his bed, wearing his shirt, blessed with thoughts of all of his adorable smiles he smiles before he goes to sleep. My shoes are next to his shoes at the door. I'm wearing his flip flops in the shower. We're going to all the places we've wanted to see together for over 5 years. He hugs me while we sleep and I feel like my heart is finally in the right place.

        He goes out by himself with his phone and it makes me uneasy. I try not to think about it but I do.

        The funny thing about this post is that if I were to post it, only him and I and one of my oldest friends I now speak to no longer know the story that still involved me...through everything, through lies and deceit and an entire year+ of the most stressful and painful mess I have ever endured in my life. All that nonsense was set to end this last summer. I could rid it from my mind and come be with him, finally, secured by his physical presence. Because everyone says this: "Would he be there with you? With you and not her if she was really where his heart wanted to be?" That isn't wrong. But it's got me standing my selfishness and pride as a person up alongside what it means to love someone for who they are, and your own personal inextinguishable values in a relationship with someone. Is it wrong of me, really? To want him to cut someone out of his life to give me what should be unnecessary peace of mind? Could I really actually let go of this burning for the sake of love? Because I wonder if love would be letting him keep this person in his life, no matter how sickening and messed up that seems to me. In short there were two girls, both in love with an idiot, both long distance. He decided to pretend to date one where everyone could see, and keep the one he was spending all his time with and had decided to spend his future with, in the dark from everyone. The idea behind pretending to date one was to aid in shielding her from her own young and wild decisions he didn't approve of personally. These weren't decisions I was making, so there was no need to rub it into the face of the world that I was his. He wanted to keep the wilder one from other males. Very unsuccessfully. But time after time he kept it going, determined to fix it for good in the summer. Which apparently happened, although I was given no explanation of those events at all, as of course, that couldn't possibly be my business. I let it go.

        And here I am. With him. He falls asleep and a notification from her lights up his phone. I'm not surprised, or even disappointed in my decisions because I made them always prepared for the worst. But I don't know what's right in this situation. If they're really only talking after all this, and as it always was going to be, the one he ended up with was me. And if him talking to her still bothers me, I don't know if it's okay for me to express that. He's told me he wouldn't mind me doing these things if the situation were reversed. My friends would tell me to ditch him the second he laid eyes on another person, but that's not how the world works. Everyone is involved with a circle of people in their life. You can never just be the only person someone has, and I would know, after pushing away literally every person in my life out of it that wasn't him. I wish it could be just the two of us, even if that's twisted of me; but that will never be how things are. My question is does this particular situation deem cutting her out of his life, this girl he fake dated and led on and basically cheated on me with over a long stretch of years, an exception enough to justify it?
        What exactly are you wanting to hear, here from this forum? He's playing you like a fool and instead of dumping him and taking back your personal power from him, or at the very least getting your own self into a lover that fills in for him when he's with her, you lament and talk as if you're some faery tale princess that has been arranged to marry a knight in tainted armor.

        If you want a monogamous union then you are with the wrong man. In one paragraph you talk as if he's a wild monkey trying to tame the high jinx of an unruly offspring the way you describe why he is with a girl that he openly dates while he keeps you a secret. You are in total denial about your place in his life and I hope that you have good people in your life still that can help you over your addiction to him once you wizen up and get the strength to leave the player-man you are addicted to.

        The idea behind pretending to date one was to aid in shielding her from her own young and wild decisions he didn't approve of personally. These weren't decisions I was making, so there was no need to rub it into the face of the world that I was his. He wanted to keep the wilder one from other males. Very unsuccessfully
        Ridiculous BS.

        Now, I may have gotten who was being hidden and who wasn't being hidden mixed up because of the way you have kept it vague but either way, you're being played.
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

        Comment


        • #5
          I need to go to the dentist after reading all that sappy text.

          This guy brings a whole new meaning to the term player........and you are his BEST pick yet !
          I think it's laughable that you think you're 'IT'. How do you know that YOU'RE not the one being fake dated ? Now, right now.
          The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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