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Am I being unreasonable?

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  • Am I being unreasonable?

    Let me start off by saying I completely understand that Facebook isn't the "real world" as my boyfriend is so fond of reminding me. However, I do believe certain things you say and do on social media can still be hurtful or offensive to your significant other. I acknowledge that I'm a little bit of the jealous type, but in this case I really don't think my feelings are invalid. Anyway, recently I've noticed that my boyfriend heart reacts or "loves" a couple of his female friends' selfies almost every single time they post them especially one girl in particular. This one particular girl is someone he has been friends with for quite a few years, and he admitted that when he first met her he had a crush on her for a pretty long time afterwards. Nothing ever became of it, but they remained friends. I'm fine with that. What I'm not fine with is the fact that he still appears to be drooling over her.

    When confronted about this he swears up and down that he no longer has any kind of feelings for her, he just likes "showing support" for her band and her modeling endeavors. Showing support for a friend and their accomplishments is fine, but it's another story when you "like" or "love" every single thing they post on social media and treat them like a celebrity. He has "loved" or "liked" almost every status update and selfie she has posted on Facebook since we've been together. I told him how this looks to me and how it makes me feel, but he's either pretending not to understand where I'm coming from or he truly doesn't get it. His defense is always, "I just happened to agree with her on a lot of things, and I like the things she posts. There's no meaning behind it, it's just social media." I asked him why a simple "like" wouldn't do, and I also asked why he had to go the extra step of "loving" so many of her status updates and pictures. I could understand if it was actually something noteworthy, like if she was posting about accomplishments, but it's mostly just every day selfies.

    He rarely "loves" any of his male friend's status updates or selfies, and I asked him why only his female friends get "love" reactions. He got flustered and didn't really give me a response besides he just doesn't. I know for a fact that he "loves" his female friend's updates and selfies because he finds them attractive, and he doesn't react the same way to his male friend's posts because there's no attraction there. I have tried explaining that when he gives other women that kind of attention it's embarrassing to me because he's just further boosting their ego, and it also makes me feel like I'm being compared to them. His response was to continue insisting his reactions were solely based out of friendship and support, and it's my own problem if I feel that I'm being compared to other women. I understand that both men and women still find other people attractive even when they are in a serious relationship, but I don't think you should be blatant about it in front of your significant other. I don't know how to properly put into words how his actions make me feel, and I don't understand why he doesn't see the problem.

  • #2
    try commenting on one of her next posts how happy you are that she is not mad that you're boyfriend picked you over her and remained friends with him. see how both of them react to this post as will be tell tale of their true relationship now.

    if they get upset they are seeing a future relationship together

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    • #3
      First of all, social media, Facebook, Instagram, Whatsapp, all of them are actually the "real world". We spend hours online, contact each other, even do business it as real as real life. It is a part of the real life. So what people do online has meaning and they have to be responsible for it.

      Either way, I think that it is not that hard to stop "love"ing someone\s post because your SO feels a bit jealous. Tell him that you just want him to stop. It is not a big deal I guess.

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      • #4
        How is your relationship in general, apart from the love posts?
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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        • #5
          Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
          How is your relationship in general, apart from the love posts?
          In general our relationship is great. We spend a lot of time together and get along great apart from the argument about Facebook. The only other thing is we haven't had sex in over 2 weeks. It seems like when we first got together it was all the time, like every day or every other day and it just slowly started tapering off. I know that's normal and sex becomes less frequent the longer you're together, but I think 2 weeks is kind of long for people our age. I don't think he's cheating or anything because he still treats me the same as he always has and is very loving in other ways, but he just doesn't seem concerned with sex anymore. I asked him about that too, and he just said he hasn't had much of a sex drive for awhile now and doesn't know what's wrong.

          I'm trying really hard not to take it personally, but it just makes me feel like the problem is I'm not attractive enough or he's bored with me. (Especially combined with the Facebook stuff). I know sex isn't the main focus of a relationship, but I do believe it's a very important aspect of it.

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          • #6
            if he hasn't had sex with you in two weeks you should be very worried about his faithfulness to you given he is following another woman and you and him are arguing more.

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            • #7
              I agree that there are some red flags here.

              Don't worry so much about the facebook thing right now. Concentrate on figuring out why his sex drive has dropped off. He needs to be very honest with you about this.
              "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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              • #8
                Originally posted by rabbithabit View Post
                if he hasn't had sex with you in two weeks you should be very worried about his faithfulness to you given he is following another woman and you and him are arguing more.
                I'm really not sure what's up with his sex drive because I know he isn't cheating because he only goes to work and comes straight home and we go everywhere else together, so I really don't know what's going on. I don't feel that there's anything going on cheating wise and I usually have pretty good instincts when it comes to that stuff. I honestly think the problem is he just isn't as sexually attracted to me as he used to be for whatever reason. The emotional connection is still there, but the physical side of the relationship has been dead lately. I'm not sure why because I haven't changed in any way since we got together. It's like he loves me, but he's just not into me physically anymore. I will say I've caught him multiple times looking at pictures of fitness models and women like that on Instagram and Facebook, and it really screws with my self-esteem.

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                • #9
                  You probably need to visit a sex therapist. Sexual contact is very important, specially in a long term thing. Talk to him and ask him. Does he masturbate? If not, then the probably has general hypoactive sexual disorder (I'm not the one to diagnose though) because you are sure that he is not cheating.

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                  • #10
                    I don't suspect he's cheating either. But I do think he's distracted. A brain is like a cup. There is only so much before it is filled until judgment is clouded, wrong decisions are made, important details are forgotten, time is misappropriated, behaviours become inappropriate. For all our intelligence and capabilities as a human, there are limits and remarkably, the brain's limits are far less astounding that we imagine them to be. Distraction does all the above and takes away from the value and richness in a relationship. It can be hobbies, other people, habits, anything.

                    The problem is he's not recognizing his own behaviour which is a bit embarrassing for him and he probably knows that you've noticed now more than ever. Despite his immaturity and distraction in this area, does his ability to focus in other areas also annoy you outside of social media? Maybe you should be looking at his overall personality and get to know him a bit better.

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                    • #11
                      you are a very good person to accept his faulty behavior and unloving habits. i wish you a better future state than current environment with someone that deserves your love.

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