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Love/hate toxic marriage

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  • Love/hate toxic marriage

    Iím in my 40ís and will have been married 20yrs this June. I have 2 great kids (11/16) but my husband drives me round the bend! Thereís love - inevitable when youíve been together so long, but at times I hate him. I dream about what it would be like without him. Even fantasise about how free Iíd feel if he died - an awful way to think as Iím a very caring person and it would be devastating for the kids.
    I think in the beginning it was lust then love then familiarity- filling the loneliness. Weíre opposites (the saying is bullshit) and Iím astounded weíve come together at all. I find so much he does or says to be annoying, negative or uncaring. We argue a lot, even in front of the kids which isnít good I know. My daughter said she doesnít want me to have to put up with arguing all the time, that itís not right - a wise, clued up girl. It made me think that staying together makes me miserable and even less likely to reciprocate affection/intimacy (which I havenít been that interested in since having kids - for various reasons physical - no libido when with him, and emotional - he was verbally abusive when drunk).
    I canít pluck up the courage to split up. The horrible confrontational argument it will result in - heíll get upset then downright nasty. Itís got close before and Iíve threatened to leave a few fines but never go through with it. I know people get divorced for less, but feel I owed it to my family to stay together.
    I wonder frequently if this toxicity between us is worse than any trauma caused by divorce (on the kids). Itís not healthy or happy and Iíve just lost any fight to make things better as my husband has just killed the empathy and love I felt with his behaviour and personality over the years. Itís never been physical, maybe slightly emotional but just a complete reversal of attraction on my part. I fail to see what brought us together any more. I want to go but itís so easy to be a chicken and stay in my nice house without the awful confrontation. Weíve been to relationship counselling and it was a waste of time (heís so immature and insensitive). Iím sure thereís lots of people are in the same boat, particularly with how theyíve been brought up.
    What would you do?
    Last edited by Gemini22; January 6th, 2018, 02:06 PM.

  • #2
    Oh my gosh, I can remember being so unhappy that I used to fantasize about someone coming to the door to tell me he had been shot and killed on the job (he was in law enforcement). I loathe myself for thinking that.

    Your kids are old enough to understand that two people who once loved each other can no longer co-exist. I've always said that kids can survive a divorce fine as long as they know that both parents love them.

    But what's really important is for your divorce to be amicable as much as possible. These things always bring out the worst in two people...I went through it. Of course there may be hurt and anger and rage on his part. You're just going to have to suck it up and get on the other side of it. You don't have to hate each other. Just try to get to the point where you can discuss it calmly and deal with the practical nature of it. You'll feel like you've been reborn when it's over.

    If you really feel that you need to stay together for the kids, then you need to come to some sort of arrangement with him. Make a list of things that are unacceptable to him and tell him that these are non-negotiable. You will leave if the issues don't cease.

    Good luck.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      Sometimes the build up in your head can be worse than the actual event. Just do it and stop overanalyzing it. If you're overthinking it, you're afraid of something - losing something. You alluded to it already: your nice house, your stable physical environment and you forgot one more thing. You probably don't want to look like the villain and the bad guy initiating the break up of a family. I think you've taken over the care and discipline of the children and your house because he doesn't have enough brain cells to juggle more than a few things on one hand. Therefore, the initiation of a break up coming from you is all the more painful... to you. The answers will come to you eventually when you're ready to do anything about it. In the meantime this is a good place to vent.


      • #4
        I like that you feelike you owe it to your kids to be with him and I get that, but I also feel like you owe it too your kids to show them how to get what you want in life to be happy! To show them that you don't have to be stuck and it doesn't have to be so much tension. I think your right in say I g it's probably better than arguing on front of the kids no kid likes to see or hear that trust me.


        • #5
          Part of your responsability as a parent is to show your children a good example of what they can expect from marriage as they get older. Your actions will greatly influence how high they set the bar for their future partner.
          You're basically teaching your daughter that she should settle for a marriage like yours, because that's what you're doing.
          You're teaching your son that it's okay to behave like his father does, because his future wife will put up with it - like you're doing.

          Yes, divorce is hard on kids. But like others have said, if you and your husband continue to show them love and affection and try to keep the divorce from turning nasty, this is much less harmful for them in the long run than witnessing your marriage as it is.
          You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf


          • #6
            If you're not happy in the marriage and both of you had already tried professionally counseling, it sounds like you want to dissolve the marriage. Divorce is expensive. Can both of you afford two separate residences? It's about money. I hope you're not stuck with him due to money. I hope you have financial choices and financial independence. Then you have more options.
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."