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Partner tries to dictate when my 1 year old grandson should be dropped off for visits

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  • Partner tries to dictate when my 1 year old grandson should be dropped off for visits

    I’ve been with my partner for over 13 years we have 12 year old child together and I have 2 adult children from previous marriage. My partner has a daughter and grandchild from previous relationship that he has never had any involvement with, this wasn’t revealed to me till after I became pregnant with out child. Our relationship hasn’t always been the best as he can become quite aggressive after having a few drinks. We’ve split up on numerous occasions due to these incidents. We bought a new house a few years ago and things have been more tolerable. I work as a community mental health nurse which includes shift work but he seems to think that I don’t have a difficult job and no matter what shift I’m on his meals should be prepared for him.
    My adult children have had a somewhat strained relationship with him as at times when he was drinking he would be negative about them to me. Like I said we’ve had very difficult times throughout relationship and I won’t bore you with all the details.
    My son has been in relationship for a few years and nearly a year ago they had a baby boy. I’ve been a big part of my grandson life as my sister be partner lost her mother at an early age so he’s only got me as his gran. I enjoy spending time with my grandson and look after him on my days off and have him overnight at least once a week. I was off today and said to my son that I would take my grandson overnight and to drop him off about 4 so he could have his dinner with us. My daughter also visited today and decided to stay a bit later so she too could spend some time with her nephew. My partner came home from work I was already preparing dinner and ok my son and his partner were in as was my daughter and her husband with their puppy. My partner spoke with them all,laughed and joked so no apparent problems. Everyone left, my daughter asked me if it was ok to leave her puppy while they went to supermarket which I said was no problem. I finished preparing dinner, my partner,youngest son, grandson and myself ate our dinner again no issues. My partner decides to go out for few drinks, when he came back he tells me that my grandson shouldn’t be getting dropped off till after we’ve eaten as that’s the courteous thing to do. He said I should tell my son that it’s not acceptable to drop his child off before this, he then said he shouldn’t come home to “people in his house” and how my daughter was longer at supermarket than she said she would be. Basically he doesn’t want to come home to babies and dogs, when he comes home he should be able to relax. I feel that now he using my grandson to try to control me again, he would never dare say anything to my son or daughter but wants me to tell them what times they can visit or drop off my grandson. I don’t know how to proceed with this, I don’t want to be stressed when my grandson or any other family member visits. What should I do? Tell them I’ll visit them and just look after my grandson at their house. Is my partner right? I don’t understand his issue of having my not even one year old grandson for his dinner, I do the cooking and cleaning after it, he doesn’t even have to take my grandson while I do it, he just plays around while I do things. I really don’t want history repeating itself but this time with my grandson. Sorry about the novel but any advice would be appreciated

  • #2
    You need to stop letting him boss you around. It's your home as well as his. If you can't come to an agreement, you may need to seek alternative living arrangements. Maybe that would get his attention.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      Yes youíre right, Iím going to discuss this with him once and for all. Iíve got a good job, my mother has a large house that my child and I could live till I get things sorted out. Sometimes I think heís jealous of the relationship I have with my children as he has never had one with his daughter although that was his choice. Thanks for reply

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      • #4
        Did you ever approach the subject after that or is this the subject of one drunken tirade? Do you feel you may be over-analyzing this a bit? Maybe he's fed up with your relatives over all the time and you both not having any personal time together but he doesn't know how to verbalize it without sounding like an ogre. I think the crux of the problem is that you both aren't communicating and bonding in your romantic relationship, period. There's all this stuff and life and kids and a dog happening around you but it doesn't sound like you're looking each other in the eye when you talk.

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        • #5
          Your boyfriend may be a controlling jerk, but it is his home too and if he prefers to come home to peace and quiet with no surprise visitors, he's not being unreasonable. As a courtesy, he should be forewarned when you have company over that he wasn't expecting.

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          • #6
            Thanks for replies. I’ve not broached subject with him as this just occurred last night and he’s still asleep, but I am going to discuss it with him later. A drunken tirade probably, one of many I might add.
            My family aren’t over all the time, my daughter stays out of town and maybe visits twice a month, I have my grandson once a week overnight, any other time I have him, he’s dropped off when my partner is at work and mostly I drop him off before my partner gets home, so there’s hardly relatives in my house all the time. I pay the majority of the bills, he pays maybe 30/40% of them. My son and daughter provided childcare support when our child was younger to enable us to go to work, although my partner says it was for me to go to work not him.
            Romance? Well there is none, his choice. This was another issue that caused us to split several times. I did discuss counselling but he refused saying he didn’t need it. My partner chooses to sleep in one of the guest rooms cited work schedules as a reason.
            When he came in from work we were all in the kitchen, he seen them for approximately 10’minutes at most, they had all just finished work as well except my daughter who’d had the day off.
            I always let my partner know when my grandson will be visiting or if anyone else is likely to visit, he doesn’t give me the same courtesy his family appear whenever but that’s ok
            Am I overanalysing, yes maybe but historically he’s used my family in arguments when he’s drinking. As I said the last 3 years or so have been more tolerable and I don’t want it to go back to the way it was. I constantly walked on egg shells trying to do everything so he couldn’t find fault. My friends/family stopped visiting so he couldn’t say anything but I’d come home after a 12 hour shift and find him in with friends watching sports. I’d hoped we’d worked through things and now have a somewhat cordial relationship. I know it sounds messed up and it appears we are more like housemates than partners but that’s his choice and I’m too fed up to fight for anything more.
            All I want is to spend time with my grandson without him making remarks about it. I don’t ask him to help me with my grandson, I still prepare the meals and cleaning up. I just think he’s making remarks as he did with my older children as he sees that as my weakness and he pushes my buttons hoping I will retaliate so he can use this against me as well. He appears to have passive/aggressive tendencies. He will only argue and make negative remarks to me when he’s drinking any other time he come across as meek and mild.

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            • #7
              Quick update. I’ve talked to my partner about his behaviours when drinking. He alleges that he never meant it the way it came across, which I don’t believe. I’ve gave him an ultimatum either he stops with all the negativity surrounding my family and decides if he’s my partner or just a lodger as I’m not putting up with this anymore. I’ve also explained that his family especially his parents who have keys to the house wander in without any notice, I’ve maybe been in bed after night shift or in the shower and I’ve never said anything about that.
              I also reminded him just how much my son and daughter had done for us in regards to childcare and to just accept that they will always be a big part of my and our child’s life who FWIW has a great relationship with them and my grandson. He never said much as I stated meek and mild without a drink.
              Anyway I’ve gave him till the end of the month to decide. He still has his house which he rents out and banks in his account,I sold mine to put large down payment on house we’re in now so it’s not like he doesn’t have anywhere to go. I also mentioned his lack of relationship with his daughter and grandchild and maybe he should think about that before making remarks about my children or grandchild. I maybe shouldn’t have brought that up but hopefully I’ve given him something to think about.
              Time will tell if anything changes, thanks for taking time to read this, I actually feel a bit better getting this all out

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              • #8
                Shantimar, thanks for giving us some more background info. You sound pretty mad though in your second post when you gave him an ultimatum. Good on you for stating your case regardless and glad you're feeling better by being honest with him. It doesn't sound like you're attracted to him anymore or love him/see a life with him despite you saying that it's his choice. If you would like to repair your relationship now is the time to soften a little and tell him how much you miss the good years and that you don't think you've been paying each other any attention. There's the facts about the house and the bills and the relationships with the kids but what about the relationship and romance between the both of you?

                You also did mention that you tell everyone when your grandson will be over but shouldn't this be something you also discuss/ask your partner before it happens? I don't condone his drinking at all but I think he's grown accustomed to using it as an outlet because he feels trapped and like he has no say about his own house. Did you stop asking him how he feels about having your grandson over? I get what you mean that you love your grandson and it's impossible not to love a baby/child but your husband should feel like he has say in what goes on too. Of course it's a different matter if you believe the romance between the both of you is so far gone that you have nothing to work on anymore. I just think it's important to acknowledge him as a person too.

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                • #9
                  Hi there rose mosse I agree with some of your post but it would only be relevant if he seen me as a person too. He never discusses any of his plans with me and makes arrangements to go out for the day/night with total disregard to if I’m working meaning I then need to find childcare at the last minute for our child. Inevitably this means my son or daughter has to rearrange their plans to take responsibility for their sibling.
                  It was his choice to distance himself emotionally and physically from me, he made the decision to sleep in one of the guest rooms not me. I’ve discussed this with him, I’ve cried and begged he says he prefers sleeping on his own. Over the years I caught him viewing porn online which made me feel inadequate. I brought up couples therapy to try and mend our relationship, he didn’t want to engage with it.
                  I don’t view his drinking as an outlet to vent rather as an excuse to vent, hiding behind the “ I was drunk and didn’t mean it”. He’s been given ample opportunities to discuss things when he’s not been drinking and provide reasons for his statements not just “because I say”.
                  I only want to spend time with my grandchild without it being used in a drunken argument with me. I take my grandchild overnight to allow my son and his partner to go to work just as they do for us. My grandchild being here doesn’t affect my partners evening whatsoever, his meals are prepared, I look after all my grandchild’s needs, they sleep all night and generally my partners working the next day and my grandchild is gone before he comes home. I really don’t see the issue why he’s making a big deal about when they drop him off. Sometimes I don’t think my grandchild being there is an actual issue and my partner is just using it as an excuse to pick a fight with me.

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                  • #10
                    Hm. That does sound petty. I agree with you. Although if it's going to work out peacefully, one of you has to at least be the bigger person and just cut through all this. It doesn't make sense to be arguing who has the right because you both do. Do you think by now he's completely forgotten about what he said? Is he the type to throw out words without meaning? If so, was he always this thoughtless?

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                    • #11
                      I believe he has a need to control. When he was a teenager he developed anorexia which. He’s never discussed why he began his avoidance of food at least not with me, he has a good relationship with his parents and sister but they don’t know either. His sister who is younger than him said that he was always controlling even as a youngster and she thinks he developed the not eating to control his parents emotions basically to upset them but unfortunately the anorexia began to control him. So is he not using his drinking to control/upset me?
                      Has he forgotten what he said? Probably not as he will use it again in another drunken tirade
                      Was he always this thoughtless, no he wasn’t. We had a really good relationship before I fell pregnant. He wanted a child, I didn’t particularly want another child, my children were young adults and I’d brought them up myself since their father had died in a car accident. In the end I went along with his wishes after lots of discussions but when I fell pregnant he completely changed towards me. There was no cuddling watching a movie, no romance and definitely no sex. During this time I found out about his daughter, well she’s maybe his daughter that changes depending on his mood. I’ve said I’d support him if he wants to make contact but he says yes then does nothing. Could it be having our child made him feel guilty about have no relationship with his daughter, is having my grandson in my life perceived as a dig at him as he doesn’t have his grandchild in his life. I don’t know all I know is I’ve gave him every opportunity to make amends to everyone including his estranged daughter. I think I’m the bigger person anyway for actually offering support but then I’m still feeling a bit angry at the moment.
                      I’m going to take onboard what you’ve posted Rose Mosse, I’m going to revaluate my feelings towards him and see if I can find it again in myself to have one last go at a proper relationship with him or just let it go.
                      Thanks for listening to my rant

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                      • #12
                        No worries.. that's what we're here for. That's a lot there for you to handle. You deserve his support and he deserves your support but whether you both can do that is up to the both of you. If you feel like venting again this thread is always here.

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