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Should I stay or should I go?

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  • Should I stay or should I go?

    Buckle up because this is going to be a long one:


    I am a 23 yo female and have been with my boyfriend (30M) for 3 years. We have a baby who will be 1 next month. Things have been rocky for us from the start. About 3 months into our relationship, while at work (I was a manager at a grocery store in a town I lived in about 45 minutes away from where he lived) a guy gave me his number and I messaged him. I then lied to my boyfriend repeatedly about who I was texting. He knew I was texting someone because he logged into my cell phone account and looked at my phone records. I acknowledge that I messed up, but I also feel that he crossed the line by using my information and looking into my phone records when 1) he did not pay my phone bill and 2) we had only been in a relationship 3 months. This should have been a major red flag. It also should have been a red flag when a month earlier he asked me if I found a certain co-worker attractive and I responded yes so he proceeded to smash my phone against the ground, pick it up and then break it in half just to make sure it was ruined. He constantly made comments about other girls, and still does to this day even though ive let it be known on multiple occasions itís a problem. I was young and dumb and very very lonely from working in a small town an hour and a half from where I grew up with nowhere to go to meet people and being told by the company I worked for I couldnít make friends at work, as it may be perceived as favoritism, so I stayed. Things went downhill from here. I let him convince me to quit my job for something closer to him without having a definite yes from the company. I left thinking I had the job only to be told they decided not to fill the position at that time. I immediately began looking for other employment, and got an offer from another company only to be told he did not want me working. So I was jobless, I also let him convince me to move in with him to save money on rent. When I first got with him, I was under the impression that he had his own house, car, and a stable, well-paying job. I did, so I donít feel itís asking too much to expect the same from him. Turns out, the vehicle was his momís she just let him use it, the mortgage was in his mothers name and she paid it (I wouldnít be surprised if she was paying the bills as well as they are all in her name) and he worked as a carpenter on and off as he pleased. Soon after he met me he stopped working. I thought it was cute at first that he would call into work to spend time with me until I realized he NEVER went in. I became isolated, I didnít go anywhere or do anything without him, yet I was being accused daily of cheating. We were drinking one night and I decided to go on a drive, I just needed some space. I was gone for maybe 20 minutes, and when I came back I was attacked with questions. Who was I with, what did I do, where did I go? Apparently my answers where not good enough because he wrestled me to the ground and started choking me. He came to and apologized profusely, swore it would never happen again, he just loved me so much and couldnít bare the thought of losing me. I believed it and of course, it happened again 2 days later when my mom asked me to go dress shopping with her and my sister and I agreed without asking him. He took my phone, hit me, smashed my face into the tile and did other things to me that are too degrading to even say here. He texted my mom pretending to be me and told her not to expect me then hid my phone. Again he snapped back and swore it wouldnít happen again. This time I waited until he passed out, got in my car and ran. I filed a police report and pressed charges. I moved back in with my parents. I felt humiliated. I felt like a failure. I felt like a loser. I let him convince me to drop the charges. I let him back in. This happened on and off for over a year. He broke my windshield on my car one night when I tried to leave, he called me a fat, ugly worthless, whore and made me believe it. I ruined my relationship with my family. I was completely isolated. Lost my car due to not having the money to repair it. He broke another phone, and didnít replace it. I had no way out yet still I was accused of cheating. I finally convinced him to let me work at a daycare. He was still convinced I was sneaking off and cheating. I eventually quit that job because of a mixture of drama with him and coming in late so my boss cut my already low pay. I was jobless again and he was totally against me going anywhere without him. I found a work from home job, I hated it but I was able to pay my bills again and try to get back on my feet. Then I found out I was pregnant. I hadnít even wanted to have sex with him, I would tell him no and he would call me names and tear me down until I gave in. He wanted me to have an abortion. I refused and it turned into physical and emotional abuse in an attempt to manipulate me into it. I stood my ground and in my 2nd trimester I left again and stayed gone. I was placed in the hospital at 28 weeks and stayed there until I had the baby. After which I went back. He had gotten a job, and seemed like he was stepping his game up. It was only part time, maybe 15 hours a week but I figured it was a stepping stone. I wanted to stay home with the baby for at least 6 months and he said he would take care of my bills until then. That didnít happen. My daughter was 2 months old and I was home alone with her with no cell phone, and no car because my dad had co signed and wouldnít give it back until I showed that payments would be made on time. My bills werenít being paid. I had to go back to work. He couldnít even make it 2 months. Yet he still wouldnít get a full time job. About a week before my first mothers day we went out, drank a little too much and he got pissed about me smoking a cigarette with an old coworker who is a guy. On the way home we were arguing and it turned violent. I had to pretend to be asleep to get him to stop, and even then he was pushing my head and laughing. When he stopped the car I took off running and screamed for help. He was taken to jail, I didnít press charges but this time the state decided to take matters into their own hands and he has court this month. The DA told me theres a plea on the table where he wouldnít serve time, just have to take anger management and do community service. Nothing like that has happened since. I feel like its because he knows heíll go to jail if he gets caught. Iíve tried to leave since the baby but he always threatens to hurt himself or heíll block my exit and talk at me until Iím so exhausted I give up and stay. I feel like Iíve been carrying the majority of the financial weight recently. Im having to pay my bills, half of the electric and water bills, all of the internet bill, buy groceries and food, and buy anything the baby needs. I paid for all of the Christmas Presents for his family, my family, and our daughter. He says heíll pay me back but its been over a month and I havent seen any money. And now im planning her birthday party and having to pay for that as well. Yet heís still asking me to pay for food and trying to get me to buy him something for his birthday. I do make a lot more money than him, but thatís because he chose to go into a profession he had no experience in because it was easier, and heís still only working part time hours, where as I work 40 hours at a salaried rate. His excuse for not looking for a full time job is that I donít want to put our daughter in daycare. As soon as I get home from work, he thinks he no longer has to watch the baby and lays on the couch on his phone the rest of the night. He might make her a bottle and hand me a diaper and wipes and thatís his idea of help. He doesnít come home and take care of any housework during the day either, he stays at his dads or his moms house all day. Therefore the house is constantly a wreck, until we clean. His idea of helping clean is cleaning off the table and picking the babys toys off the floor, everything else is left for me. I also have to cook. I have absolutely no free time while he is laying on the couch doing as he pleases for 5 hours+. And when this is brought up to him, he says he works much harder than I do and goes in earlier so hes too tired. He goes into work at 5:30ish and is usually off by 9, as a package handler for fed ex. I work an accounting job, so yes I do sit at a desk all day, but for 5 and a half to 6 and a half hours longer than he does. And to top it off he has been smoking weed at least every other day, which I told him he WILL NOT do around my child or if he is taking care of my child, yet he continues to do it. He says heís stressed about money and his court date, which I have no sympathy for. I want to leave but I donít know where to go. He hit a deer in my car going to work and I donít have the money for the deductible so I donít have a vehicle to even get back and forth to work. I have my faults, I am well aware. I have been extremely rude and bitter to him, I donít tell him sorry, I donít acknowledge anything he does. He tells me Im negative and worry too much, but how am I not supposed to be negative after all ive been through? He says that I have a short fuse and everyone knows it. Iím just so fed up with his bullshit. I put up with so much and then I blow my top. I donít know what to do anymore. Heís toxic. Heís always got some excuse for his behavior, or he manipulates me into thinking im just overreacting. On top of this, I still get questioned and accused of cheating on almost a daily basis.

  • #2
    How long do you intend to live in this ridiculous situation?
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      and why are you still there? being with someone because of a child or because of the things he says is just proving to him he has power, when he doesn't! you say you work away all day a salaried job??? take a day and go look for help, there are a lot of places that will help. you have to stop believing his excuses in which you in turn are making excuses for him. there's help for you and baby you just have to step up and look for it

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      • #4
        sorry but I'm going to sound unsympathetic but that's only because I hope it will cause you to listen: You staying in that mess is YOU abusing your daughter. Get the fuck out and stay out. Its obvious that you have zero value in yourself but surely you value your daughter enough to protect her from this waste of sperm you call your boyfriend.

        Contact the people in the link below and they will guide you into getting your wee one out of a dysfunctional circle of abuse. You certainly don't want her to end up with someone like him or like you who has zero love of self (thanks to him).

        https://www.helpguide.org/articles/a...lationship.htm

        There are telephones near the end of the page, luv. Use them and stop the cycle.
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

        Comment


        • #5
          If you're already asking, you've thought about leaving. If you've thought about leaving, then you're already one foot out the door and that's not a bad thing. Your writing doesn't strike me as someone imbalanced and your frame of mind seems very clear. I think that baby girl deserves a safe home and a mother that is free from pain or the threat of pain.

          Can I ask: do you have an exit route/plan and somewhere you can go? Something tells me you already have some ideas but are afraid of him coming after you. Are you still "alone" in that town or do you have friends/family close by? For some reason your expectations throughout the relationship and your writing style/grammar/syntax, don't lead me to believe you weren't smart in school and I think you've come from a good upbringing. Are your parents still around or siblings?

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          • #6
            Phasesofthemoon, Thank you for the resource.

            Rose Mosse, I don't have much of an exit plan. I've tried working it out in my head but there are just a few things I can't find a solution to. I've familiarized myself with the women's shelters near where I live. My problem is that we live out of city limits, 10 minutes out of city limits. My car runs still but is blocked in by his truck, which never moves. Which means I would have to take off on foot with a baby, and would be easily found. My family lives an hour away and has told me they won't help me anymore because I've gone back in the past. I've thought long and hard about the shelter, its just a matter of getting there. I can't go from the house and he has my daughter while I'm at work so I cant even have them pick me up while I'm at work. I've had women tell me about having to leave an abusive situation without their children and losing custody because the courts consider it "abandonment". I will not chance that. I know that if I got away, I would be fine. I've even looked up the domestic violence survivors support groups meeting times, that way I can build my support system this time around and stay away from his ass for good. I know that once I get there, I could get an apartment within days and get on my feet. It's just a matter of getting there.

            Sorry for the late reply, I can only respond while at work.

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            • #7
              Before thinking of an exit plan, what caused you to go back? How many times have you tried to leave?

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              • #8
                My car runs still but is blocked in by his truck, which never moves. Which means I would have to take off on foot with a baby, and would be easily found.
                Why does his truck "never move?" Have you called the numbers in the site I gave you? If so what advice did they give you? If not, why not?

                Can you not take his truck and move it so that you can get out or is it dead?
                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Call AAA and have them move it. (or whatever the equivalent in your country is)
                  "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Rose - low self-esteem, believing his lies, believing when he told me it was partly my fault, not wanting to be alone, not having anyone else to talk to. He always plays on my emotions, he's very smart, very charming, and very manipulative. And I always fall for it. I've successfully left probably 5 times, none of which have happened in the past year. I have tried to leave probably 6 times in the past year, all of which result in him threatening to or actually hurting himself, pushing me, screaming at me, blocking the door, and just talking at me for hours until I give up. In the past it was significantly easier because I had my parent's support, I did not have a child to worry about, and I didn't have a job.

                    Phasesofthemoon - His truck never moves because he has some repairs that need to be made and instead of putting the money out to fix it he started taking my car to work and then he hit a deer in it. At some point his mom and her boyfriend decided to move the car without my permission and park it in front then park his truck behind it. Moving it would require me taking his keys as well as finding where he's hidden my keys, moving it into the road and and then getting in my car. It's dangerous. He does not leave me alone at the house, and he would hear the security system in the house disarm, the door open (the bedroom is right next to the door) and the truck start. Even if i were to go to the house when he wasn't there, he takes his keys with him.
                    I have not called the numbers, because I'm at work and his mother is a driver where I work and could easily overhear and tell him. I just did an online chat with a support advocate Friday and she gave me the local resources but we were both stumped on certain problems that I've brought up.
                    Chats are the only way I feel comfortable communicating with anyone because I do not know who will overhear at work and at home I do not have a chance to talk with anyone. Leaving at this point requires a lot of planning, which I am trying to do, it's just hard to figure out all the details because once I feel like I figure it out, I realize there's something else to mull through.

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                    • #11
                      My dear.... call the police and tell them what you've told us and have them come and accompany you out to your car as you leave with your baby and please stop making excuses as to why you cannot. Its clear you are afraid to leave but I'm thinking it's not because you're afraid he'll hurt you but rather that your codependent nature is keeping you mired there.

                      I'll also advise you to call the mental health unit in your jurisdiction and tell them when you left him that he has threatened suicide before if you leave. They can have him committed if he threatens to harm himself. You could also tell his mother to watch out for him because you're gone and he has threatened... make it her responsibility and stop letting him manipulate you.

                      Last edited by phasesofthemoon; January 8th, 2018, 08:23 PM.
                      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                      Comment

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